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#561924 11/21/05 05:04 AM
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when h first came home

thought it may be helpful to link up an old thread...this one is about 5 months into h coming home...

though some things then were worse than now...some things were clearly better and still some the same.

LL

#561925 11/21/05 04:09 PM
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LL,

I have been reading your stitch and I am so sorry that you are in such an incredible amount of pain right now. One thing I noticed is that you seem to want someone to answer why you should continue to do this. I'll give you two good reasons: your children.

However, I know you don't want to stay married just so your children have parents that are still together. You want a healthy R. Well, your children need to see what a healthy R looks like too. Think about the kind of marriage you and H are modeling for them right now (I know you are upholding your end of trying to change so I hear you). The reason for this statement is I wonder what kind of marriage your husband's folks have. Is he just playing out the role that was modeled for him? If so, is this the type of marriage you want your children to have down the line?

I was thinking it might be a good idea to edit your week in the life and even add some thoughts like, "at this point I was wishing you had done X" and show it to hubby and say, "Is this really the life you want?" Quite frankly, what you wrote was depressing and made me start to keep track of my interactions. LL, you can't keep this kind of life up anymore so now let's really get down to work and see what we can do to help. I'm game, are you?

#561926 11/21/05 04:14 PM
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this time last year

there's another link to the past...I used to post a lot more back then...so there's more to see...not much has changed since then.


#561927 11/21/05 04:21 PM
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Hi flanuer,

editing my week in the life of with footnotes for h sounds like a great idea in theory...but I'm afraid it will only send the same ole message to him "you're not doing enough".

re. his family...his parents have an odd r infact fil lived with us for almost 3 years (only moved out recently)
while mil lived everywhere (a vaca place they were intended to both move to, sils, granmils etc)
I've asked h several times if that is the kind of m he wants to have and he states NO...well then I ask "why are we acting like that now?"

fil works to pay the bills and is constantly on errand fixing or painting this or that...Mil's always off shopping or running some errand...in the 3 years that fil lived here not once did he go out with mil or have mil come over to spend time with him.

one of my old threads describes the r's of both h's parents and mine...

LL

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Forgot to mention as it was done before I was asked to keep a daily log of interactions...I did make note of it (well not the how just that I knew) on antother thread


I contacted the old OW...if h is involved with anyone it's not her...

I simply called her and stated "h is having an a I just wanted to know were you that specail or is it someone new"

she was in shock...told me a lot about her life now and then and how she regretted a lot of things etc etc. How for a long time she hated my h.

she even called me the next day and left a message for me to call her back...

she said "after talking to you I though I should feel like...I told you so..ha ha...but instead I'm really sad"

I assume that her feelings are probably different than she'd expect because she's moved on and found what she was looking for (though she did end up Ding her h she's got a bf that sounds good for her) so there's no satisfaction in the pain of another.

Knowing that it's not her is both helpful and harmful...

it's helpful because it could very well mean there's no one harmful because if there is someone it's someone new and that just means h is a repeat offender. Yes it would be a repeat if it were the same ow but more understandable...if they had something they had something.

Things aren't terrible they just aren't the way I'd like them to be.

LL

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Hi LL,
Just spent the last few days catching up on your sitch – phew!
I guess I always check your posts when I come here because I always felt like our sitches were so similar (even down to the ages of our kids) and also now you’re one of the few left of the “old gang” that was posting when I was a newbie

I really know exactly where you are coming from, you have been dbing like crazy these 2 or 3 years and where has it got you? That’s just how I feel – I’ve made changes, I’ve tried when am I going to see results? It’s like all the DBing has done is make the WA more comfortable without changing anything for us.

I feel like I have fundamental issues with this whole DB process, I don’t think it is true that you can do it on your own that you are the only one that needs to change and if you change that will change the R. The other partner has to be clear that they need to make changes too they should not be let off the hook. If they want the R to work they have to do their part, if they don’t want the R to work then it’s not going to work no matter what the DBing partner does.

Quote:

Things aren’t terrible they just aren’t the way I’d like them to be




But that IS terrible, just settling for what you don’t like is terrible. Just because he’s not beating you does not mean that you have to accept it. OK you have a nice house, food on the table blah blah, there are plenty worse off than you , quit whineing etc etc. We’ve heard it all. That’s NOT the point it’s thinking like that that has been keeping us in these unhappy Rs year in year out. YOU DESERVE BETTER and it’s because of whatever self-esteem issues you’ve had that you’ve talked yourself (and I’ve talked myself) into not believing we deserve better.

By all means keep up the good DBing but there is another necessary part of this which is to keep calling the S out on what they need to be doing. It seems like a contradiction in good DBing terms to keep calling them on stuff but I think that is the vital part of this that I and you too LL have left out. How do we DB well and still make sure the other half knows their part and knows whether they are doing it without going back to our old critical nagging ways that got us into this mess in the first place.

So now you know he’s not having an A – doesn’t really make it any better does it? I’m pretty sure H is not having another A – it doesn’t stop our R from stinking – it just means it really is about US and not about him being lured away by some floozy.

You’ve had loads of good advice, I am trying to learn from it too, but I sense that you are ready to move on. You felt like you needed an excuse, you wanted him to be having an A but you don’t need an excuse LL. Sometimes we feel when we have been in a relationship for a long time that we don’t want to throw away that long history that big investment – but ask yourself how much of the future do you want to throw away?

I know that this is a DB board I shouldn’t be encouraging you to move on. If you want to give it one more shot then by all means do that – but this time don’t let it be all on your side. Insist – I mean INSIST that he does his part. Give it a year – tell him you are giving it a year – tell him what you need from him don’t accept excuses. If he says he’s tired he works hard or whatever just say that’s just an excuse I want you to start working on this R or I’m gone. Everytime he backslides tell him he’s backsliding don’t keep feeling like it’s your fault. Men get lazy we know that TonyP told you that. If all goes well and at the end of the year you are happy, tell him you’ll give it another year


take care

Fran


if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs
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Sorry for using your thread to vent about my own situation.
You're in trouble here and I'm making it all about ME
Where have we seen that before

Take good care of yourself LL, I know you will come to the right place in the end because you are working hard on it and you have so many great DBers here helping you out.

Fran


if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs
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Hi LL, hope you had a good Thanksgiving.

As another old hand, would you mind stopping by
Not waving but drowning

Hey I just noticed I used the same word - drowning - that you did. I guess that's how it feels

Fran


if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs
Erica Jong
#561932 11/28/05 03:30 PM
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well this week it was h's turn to have the guys come here to watch football.

I had to take son to a b-day pty for one of his classmates so left dd home with him.

apparenently while I was gone someone was at my computer looking at porn sights and lots of them. some they directly typed the web address into the browser. By the time I got home (I was only gone for about 3 hours with son and no one had been at the puter before I left) only h and one buddie were left (well when I left for the pty there was only h and two buddies) I saw the two sites that were directly typed in a questioned..neither had anything to say about it.

so this am while the kids are at school I decided to check and see what else is on the puter and there's tons of sick crap. This stuff isn't usually there (I check from time to time) so I can either assume it all got there yesterday or has been piling up.

Called h and let him know I'd rather he not have the guys here for football anymore (christ my 4 year old daughter was in the house while they were looking at this stuff) H still claims to not know who did it blames one person who usally uses the puter here (in the past he's only gone to sport or cigar sites so this would be out of charector at least for here and this wasn't the first time I left the house while they were watching football just the first time I didn't take both kids with me) says he'll talk to them...that he can't babysit everyone and didn't know anything about it.

Maybe I'd be able to just laugh at it...you know a bunch of guys watching football and one clown logs onto the porn sites but my daughter was here (some of the sites they were on were videos of people having sex not just pictures. My daughter was here and I don't have a good relationship with h.

It blows!


#561933 11/30/05 06:51 PM
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Oh LL!

What can I say - The man is an ape

Ok lets back up a little - just suppose he really didn't know what they were doing:
You need to give him the benefit of the doubt ONE TIME. And let him make reparation by standing up to these so-called buddies and telling them what they can and can't do in his house. He needs to talk to them and he needs to NOT say "hey guys the wife is on my case..." he needs to say "I'm really pissed off with you guys, my little daughter was in the house don't you EVER do that again". If he can't do that then he has no self-respect and he is not protecting his family the way a real man ought to.

Maybe you can talk to him making it feel like you're in this together - We don't really know who did this but we need to sort this problem out - we need to protect our daughter. That kind of thing.

UUGGHH!

take care

Fran


if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs
Erica Jong
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