It's been nearly a year since my Marriage collapsed.
On 19 August 2004, I heard the dreaded words "I love you, but I'm not in love with you...".
Flash forward to present day.
Last week, my wife came home.
After being separated for seven months, my family is once again whole, but not without first having to pay a terrible price.
Here is our story:
We were Married in January of 1998, we have a D (6) and a S (4) (both are having birthdays in the next three weeks, can you think of a better birthday present???).
The decline of a Marriage was gradual, almost imperceptible. It started when we began to have kids, the pressures of not being able to spend the quality time that ALL couples need, was pushed aside, saying we'd have lots of time later one day...but one day never came.
As the years passed, we started to go apart, on that fateful day, my Wife told me she didn't love me anymore.
I cried, I pursued, let's face it...I did it all. It wasn't just sad, it was downright pathetic.
Then, my childhood friend (who just happens to be a Marriage Counsellor) introduced me to Divorce Busting.
I flew into action, and from September through January I became a DBing machine. I changed EVERYTHING. We dated, we attended Counseling, we talked, I listened, I was the Man she remembered, the Man she knew and fell in love with but there were doubts...
She had moved so far away, so far down the path of despair that she couldn't see the changes. She moved out of our home on 1 January, 2005. Eight years to the day of the beginning of our relationship.
In February, she decided that she wanted to revisit our relationship. She was having second thoughts and I was sufficently recovered enough to give it one more try.
After the third counseling session, she'd quit again. For the third time. We were done.
Throughout this time, our friends and family were in shock. How could this happen? We had "the perfect marriage". Our childern suffered. Greatly. To have their world shattered was agonizing to behold and we will live with those painful memories in our hearts forever.
I sought comfort with some friends. As it so happends there were several of us who's wives had left us within a few short weeks of each other and we formed the "Mount Royal home for dysfunctional boys". It was a great source of encouragement and camradiere.
Then, I met her.
This is an ugly side to our story, the side that I'm both sad and ashamed of. Although my Wife had released me and I thought we would never get back together, I want you all to hear what happened and take from it what you will.
We started out as friends, talking about our kids (she is a single Mom with a S(5). We had mutual friends (another one of the dysfuntional boys club founders actually and a friend of mine for twenty years (at least he was).
One day, after our first date, we had a car accident (some of you may recall I'm an ex-policeman) and my training kicked in. As we were sliding along the road of my tipped over SUV (yes, it really does happen) I had the presence of mind to reach down and pull her away from the ground so she wouldn't get hurt. We emerged unscathed.
We talked about it many times since then, that's how she fell in love with me. That I was so calm and collected and dealt with the emergency.
over the next several months our love grew and grew. She was amazing, smart, beautiful and she had a great son. I knew we could be a blended family.
In the meantime, my Wife and I just didn't communicate at all. I was so hurt and angry with her, I just shut her out. I pretended that she didn't exist...I denied to myself that I still loved her. Big mistake.
As you can imagine, my Wife wasn't having much of a picnic either...as the months rolled by, she got her space, she began to see the changes in me were permanent she wanted to come home...but then there was thr accident and this new woman in our lives. What to do?
I'm hoping that she will come on this site to explain for herself how she felt and how she came around as we all know how important it is to hear from the ones that leave us. But in the meantime, I will do the best I can.
As I understand it, she began to think of me in a positive light. Instead of dwelling on the negative, she CHOSE to see me positively. She CHOSE to fall in love with me again...all this despite the fact I had fallen in love with someone else.
She knew she was going through an early midlife crisis (she's 34) and that it was coming to an end. One day when I was saying goodnight to the kids we talked...we really talked and she asked to come home.
I was skeptical, I was in a new relationship and was happy again.
Here's where it gets bad. I had to choose.
I had the chance to build a new life with a blended family and turn my back on the eight years I had with my Wife, or I could re-build my Marriage that I had fought for so long to preserve.
In the end, for me anyway, there wasn't really a choice. I knew what I had to do, and despite the difficulty, despite the pain, I ended my new relationship.
I broke an incredible woman's heart. I hurt my children and hers.
Oneday, perhaps she will forgive me, but I will never forgive myself.
Do I still love her? Yes.
Do I still love my Wife and family more? Yes.
Here's where I get preachy.
Don't give up.
Be patient.
Be strong.
If your Love was strong enough to marry, it will come back to you.
I know you're in the very depths of despair right now but DBing does work. It takes time...
How much time? Every case is different, but for us is was nearly a year.
