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#495959 07/19/05 06:02 PM
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The drug he's taking is a relative of valium, sedating and potentially addictive. What you CAN do is talk to his doctor yourself, tell him you understand he can't tell you nything about your H (privacy) but that you want to let him know what you are seeing in terms of the excessive sleepiness.

Ellie

#495960 07/19/05 07:16 PM
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I agree with Ellie. You've spent so much effort on this, why not just find out more info on the medical side.
I'm sure the pills are putting him to sleep. Unfortunately, he'd prefer to do that than face reality for some reason.

Also, If you think he may be a narcissist then try giving him admiration, admiration and admiration. See what happens.


#495961 07/19/05 10:52 PM
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Quote:

The drug he's taking is a relative of valium, sedating and potentially addictive. What you CAN do is talk to his doctor yourself, tell him you understand he can't tell you nything about your H (privacy) but that you want to let him know what you are seeing in terms of the excessive sleepiness.

Ellie




thing is Ellie, his "sleepiness" is nothing new. Before we even married when I'd visit him he'd fall asleep...when his roomates would come home they'd sit and play jenga or cards or just chat with me while he laid there sleeping on the couch. It's only gotten worse as time has gone by. I suppose I just should have known better....maybe I was fooled into believing he would eventually change back into the person I once knew.

#495962 07/19/05 10:54 PM
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Quote:

I agree with Ellie. You've spent so much effort on this, why not just find out more info on the medical side.
I'm sure the pills are putting him to sleep. Unfortunately, he'd prefer to do that than face reality for some reason.

as I said to Ellie, it's not just the pills. and I don't care to find out...I'm tired of trying to save or rather create this r.

Also, If you think he may be a narcissist then try giving him admiration, admiration and admiration. See what happens.

I'm done being his cheerleader...all it gets me is a man who's happy while I still am left without my needs being met. I'm starved for affection and attention because he somehow thinks all he needs to be is a breadwinner.




#495963 07/19/05 10:58 PM
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Quote:

thing is Ellie, his "sleepiness" is nothing new. Before we even married when I'd visit him he'd fall asleep...when his roomates would come home they'd sit and play jenga or cards or just chat with me while he laid there sleeping on the couch. It's only gotten worse as time has gone by. I suppose I just should have known better....maybe I was fooled into believing he would eventually change back into the person I once knew.






Look - he's not falling asleep to spite you! It's either the meds, a sleep disorder, severe depression, hypothyroidism, or narcolepsy - whatever it is, he needs medical treatment!

Ellie

#495964 07/20/05 01:56 AM
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Look - he's not falling asleep to spite you! It's either the meds, a sleep disorder, severe depression, hypothyroidism, or narcolepsy - whatever it is, he needs medical treatment!

Ellie




In some sense he IS doing it to spite me. Part of it is due to the fact that he does wake early and does work hard BUT he could stay awake for a bit at least one night a week if he wanted to (did during his "courting" or returning home after seperation)...he just chooses not to.

I don't expect the man who leaves for work at 5:30 am and doesn't return til 7pm to be a party animal up all night with me but I don't see why he (as the boss after all) couldn't schedule one day light for himself so that he could stay awake and attentive with me for an hour or so after the kids have gone to bed (they're young and are both asleep by 9 during summer and 8 or earlier in winter) instead of simply going to bed at the same time or before them.

when I make this suggestion I am met with a wall "can't do it" which of course I read as "wont do it"

instead of making some (and I'm talking minimal here) time for US he's content to live in the "this is the stage we're in" meaning right now we're raising kids etc so that's it. HUH? how are we supposed to have a relationship with eachother when the house is paid off and the kids are grown if we don't foster it now?

I thought he had realized you can't just coast until some future time...he after all sought out a r with another woman...would that not show proof that simply existing to work and pay the bills isn't enough?

Did he not learn anything?

a hair pulling UGH!

LL

#495965 07/20/05 05:23 PM
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Lost Love,

I understand you not wanting to be his cheerleader anymore. i didn't mean to give him unending admiration. I just meant it as a two day experiment. Just for your own amusement to see if infact he is a narcissist, that's all.

#495966 07/27/05 08:24 PM
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Hi Lostlove,

Been a while since I have been around and I have been going through pretty much the same stuff you have. Funny how our lives just seem to run along parallel lines

H sleeps a fair bit too, when he is not sleeping he is in his den playing on the PC. He also drinks too much I mean 6 beers a night - not your lite beers either but Kronenbourg.

I too have recently come to the conclusion he is a narcissist and started reading up stuff on the web about narcissism. Trouble is nearly all of it is really negative and pretty much says they are incurable.

But wait... I ordered some books off Amazon and the first one to come through was Narcissism - a denial of the true self by Alexander Lowen. I read it over the weekend and it kind of blew my mind. For one thing it is not totally negative about a person being narcissistic there can be hope For another thing although it confirmed my belief that H is a narcissist or even borderline personality disorder I also noticed that I too have several narcissist tendencies.

To cut a long story short Lowen is one of the founders of Bioenergetic therapy and I tried a couple of the exercises he gives in the book to release pain and anger that is stored in the body. I did this while the kids were out with H. Lucky I did because you could have heard the sobs and wails that came out across the other side of town.

Since then I have been feeling so different in my skin I can't explain it - just easier. The wild thing is that the difference in feeling within me is affecting H. In the last few days our R just seems to have turned around without me feeling like I am doing anything. Not doing anything different - just being different. That is the crux it is being rather than doing. Some of what is said in the book is about being rather than doing and you can't make that happen by thinking about it, that is where the exercises come in.

The other night we were talking about the camping trip we have planned for the end of August. H seemed like he was just talking about taking S(6) and just kind of jokingly saying you and D can go and do girly things together. I was annoyed about this because it seemed like he had been planning this with S behind my back and that what he was basically saying was with my one week of vacation this year I would rather spend time with S than with you. So I said this to him and he sighed and started saying I don't really feel like having this conversation. So I said just tell me what you really think and he started saying all this stuff which before I would have had to really struggle not to throw right back at him. I just sat and listened to him, but I wasn't trying to listen I just was listening. So he said what's wrong why aren't you arguing and I just said I'm listening. So he said some more stuff and it turned into a long and fairly honest account of how he felt our marriage had gone and his part in it and how he had given up everything for me. All this stuff would have just sent me wild before with the injustice of it, but I just felt totally able to give him the space to be heard.

We have ML - good ML not just sex a couple of times since. We have had a long intimate fun-loving chat about anything and everything. I can't remember the last time that happened. We even reminisced about happy times, we could not have done that before it felt like the happy times were gone forever.

I think H will read the book too, he is saving it for when I take the kids to see my Dad.

Read the book LL, You were the first person I thought of to post to on this board. I pray you get something out of it.

take care

Fran


if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs
Erica Jong
#495967 10/10/05 08:27 PM
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Starting to really feel like h may be involved with OW again...no real proof..just that feeling. Well that feeling on top of the fact that things just aren't and haven't been right between us for some time...just an ever widening gap between us.

Hey I had that feeling for some time before but it took a fluke accident for to be proven true (h was finally seen by someone on my side vs his).

I don't know what to do...can't hire a PI...can't follow him around all day...wont bother to ask him cause that'll get me nowhere.

somethin's rotten in LL land.


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I'm at a loss.

I'm tired of the lack of relationship between h and I...what little there may have been seems to be fading fast.

H now no longer calls during the day...unless you count the call when he's on his way to tell us he's on his way and it's usually late.

when he does get home it's eat and then hit the couch to watch the news and fall asleep.

we still don't with any regularity and thinking back over the past year + during those encounters he doesn't even kiss me...always has some excuse (bad breath despite the fact that I bought those listerine strips to keep in his night stand, and when bad breath wouldn't be a factor he still doesn't and has made no attempt despite the fact that I've let him know it removes intimacy from the encounter)

I have a gut feeling (as well as having found 3 pairs of underwear spotted with manhood) that he is either involved with ow again or a new ow.

trouble is I cannot discuss my feelings about the r or my suspicions with him cause it'll get me no where.

I almost want him to be cheating so I can catch him eventually and be done with this scharade...but if I don't I'm still unhappy with the way things are and have no real way to change them.

I can put on a happy face and act as if but what does that get me? a happy husband who will still just fall asleep and ignore me.

last night he turned to son (6) and told him he's sorry for getting home so late lately that it'll be like that for another month and then he'll be around...son hadn't asked so why direct it at him unless of course he's the only reason you are here (I do feel like h only came home because he saw how much son was hurting while he was gone..the kid had just turned 3 and had a new baby sister piled onto the fact that suddenly daddy was leaving after he went to bed if he came at all) I then took the opportunity to ask him why he hadn't at least been calling us during the day..to which he replied "I do call you" "not until you're on your way home".

I'm lost...trying to recall exactly why I wanted him back...probably because I was 29 with two young kids living in a new home and didn't know what the future held. Well now I'm 33 and still not happy with my m and don't know what the future holds.

I feel very much like we both may have been better off if he just kept on his journey toward divorce.

LL

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