Knew sooner or later you'd stop by....congrats on your administrator postion and the new job etc...lot's of great stuff going on for you!
Ya, it's a good plan but how to put it into action and how to motivate myself to do so...sure I could just use the fact that it would/could potentially be what brings us together as motivation but I just don't seem to have much gusto left to put forth the effort
OK, so bear with me as some explaining needs to be done...
h as I've stated before pretty much does nothing with us (the kids and I) he leaves for work before we wake and goes to sleep before us (sometimes 7:30) We haven't been physical in over two months etc.
I have a friend who is currently going through a D...long story...
I had a big cookout here on the 3rd to celebrate the 4th. the soon to be D'd friend came and got very drunk...so while I was lighting off fireworks for the 30+ people that made it outside to watch them..drunken friend stayed inside with another friend who was watching over her...however my h stayed inside feeding her more drinks while she flirted with him...a few of my friends (including the one who stayed inside with her and fought with her the whole time to stop it) saw and were disgusted with it.
I haven't yet said anything to the friend because I want to get all the stories straight before confronting her...
sad part is I'm more annoyed with h for staying inside with her and sucking up the flirting while I lit off the fireworks outside myself.
If my h will sit and enjoy being severly flirted with by one of my friends while I'm right outside what advances would he accept and enjoy from another women when he's not at home?
I want out but don't have enough to go on right now!
also should add that one other person stayed inside during the fireworks...h's buddie (who is married and who's wife was outside) who was heavily flirting with the friend who was inside to keep an eye on the drunken friend...she who is not married got disgusted with this married guy flirting with her that she came outside.
Quote: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore." "We got married for all the wrong reasons." "I'm not attracted to you anymore." "Why can't you admit that we just made a mistake?"
what if the above statements are true and not just some recreation of history to fit a current mood. What if some of us really did "make a mistake" in marrying our spouses...what if we really aren't "inlove" with them and perhaps never were...what if there really is too much water under that bridge for us to be attracted to eachother anymore...
Honestly, I feel like h and I were the most honest with ourselves and eachother when we were talking about NOT being together.
I don't want to work on this m...seems pretty clear that h doesn't either so the question then becomes wich one of us is going to get out first...h already tried and just couldn't stomach leaving but is now taking pills to deal with his life...I can't make him leave and I sure as hell am not going to pack myself and my kids up to leave so what now...just go on pretending all is well until one day one of us is honest again?
I know piecing or even this website is not the place for these thoughts but I suppose it should give some the lesson that you'd better make sure what your true motivation is in wanting your spouse back...if it's fear of the unkown or comfort etc then think long and hard before you reconcile if the oportunity arises...I believe if I had it to do over again knowing what I know now I would have filed myself instead of letting h come back home.
Just a thought...take your post and go the next level...what if you both WERE accurate at that time...is it true? what do you actually know to be "fact" versus an overlay of emotion on top of everything.
Here's my blunt observation...when I read your posts I often have the thought "she's trying to cram a square peg into a round hole...what if she just 'embraced' the square peg"? IOW, what if you just devoted your abundant energy to appreciating and working with who your h actually IS instead of what you want him to be?
Perhaps that could be an add on to your post...if you accept the notion that you and h are entirely TOO different to be together but you ARE together...what would it feel like to just 100% accept him?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: what would it feel like to just 100% accept him?
I tried that before and guess what...I was a fool for doing so...as I sat and defended his lack of presence in this marraige he was off having himself a fling with some other woman...so if I do it now (accept that his lack of presence in the r is just who he is) I'd be setteling, sad, lonely, pathetic, a waiste of life.
Sage,
it is not soley that h and I are incompatable...it is more that we should never have gotten married.
There is just nothing left between us anymore...we are two strangers living in the same house.
more importantly it's not about h and I being too different to be together...it's more about h being a player in the sense that he will give the r his all until he knows he's in and then poof back to mr I'll do what I want when I want even if that means acting like you don't exist.
C'mon sage, you've read enough of my stuff to know that I'm not just talking about two people being different...I'm talking about no longer being able to stand the inconsistancy with which h approaches the m. months can go by without us having a conversation that isn't "did you call the septic people" "I've got an appointment tonight" and spending time together??? forget about it.
I let him be...pretend that's "just who he is" but find it disturbing that he is attentive and alert for other things, other people etc.
Why should I once again get the sh!t end of the stick with him? why should I pretend he's a square instead of accepting that he's just a player and I'm just his wife.
Just wanted to let you know that I have noticed you are still on the SSDD plan. I have been busy as can be lately but still hope we get a chance to get that cup of coffee one of these day. The only problem is that you could tell your H you are going to see another man and he wouldn't notice!
I tried that before and guess what...I was a fool for doing so...as I sat and defended his lack of presence in this marraige he was off having himself a fling with some other woman...so if I do it now (accept that his lack of presence in the r is just who he is) I'd be setteling, sad, lonely, pathetic, a waiste of life.
I'm fairly confident that I'm not going to convey what I was really getting at without a) being confusing or b) possibly being too blunt but since I know who I'm posting to, I will err on the side of B and forego the dangers of A.
There's the behavior that your h was displaying when he was involved in his EA and there's the behavior that your h displays when he's not (some are the same and some are different, right? IOW, I'm sure you can think of some actions from "that time" that would not happen in another time and some that would) and then there's the MAN behind the behaviors. The behaviors and actions are dramatically distinct from the MAN.
Your response to me indicated that you thought I was focusing on the behaviors but what I was really focusing on the man...(and here's where the bluntness comes in)...sometimes when I read your posts I don't get the sense that you are dismayed/irked/angry with the BEHAVIOR, I get the sense that you are dismayed/irked/angry or dare I say it dismissive with the MAN. And if I can feel it, I suspect that h feels it as well (though that is an ASSumption and may be truly unfair and just plain wrong).
So, it's one thing to say "h is uninvolved in our m because he does this and that" and quite another to say "h is a XYZ man because he does this and that".
Don't get me wrong...we ALL do the latter but if we can focus on the former, well, it leaves a much better (not bitter) taste in the mouths of our spouse.
To me, evoking the "beginner's mind" is key to focusing on actions not the self...iow...my h isn't "completely uncommunicative" but he is "unwilling to talk about R topics late at night".
Quote: There is just nothing left between us anymore...we are two strangers living in the same house.
Why IS that LL? Seriously. Why do you think that you and h are two strangers in the house?
What do you think h is bringing to this table?
But, even MORE importantly...what do you think YOU are bringing?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
