Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
#495929 06/19/05 11:23 PM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
I don't know why I'm even posting....just getting tired of feeling alone I suppose.

Things just don't seem right around here...well "right" I guess is debatable...if right is h never around unless he's asleep well then things are right...I'm left wondering why I wanted him back..did I really thing anything would be different? in fact it almost seems that things are worse now.

it's been a while and most wont remember me so...

me w 32
h 35
s 6
dd 3
m 7years

nov 2001 h "caught" taking ow to a cancer treatment moves out for 1 week but claims "just friends"

things get better..h is suddenly the man I always wanted him to be attentive, awake, affectionate etc but I'm bitter, confused and angry about ow

march 2002 h moves out doesn't want to be my h anymore

june 2002 h says "yes I want d love you not inlove with you"

Aug 2002 OW asks her h for d, my h admits to having feelings for her

Sept 2002 h makes mention of our 5year aniversary just to aknowledge it

early oct 2002 h talks of being confused and maybe wanting to come home

May 2003 h gets rid of apartment but not before I find love letters, pictures, cards jewelry etc from ow at his office

so it's been about 3 years...I'll admit I wasn't happy before h left...was confused while he was gone..felt like I should have been the one having an affair after all I was left alone all the time was rejected physically by him etc. I've done my best to let everything go and just be happy with who he is but the trouble is I don't know who he is other than the guy who goes to work and then comes home and goes to sleep.

I've asked for date nights and gotten no where with it...I've gotten my own life..started a book club, a moms night out club, joined the local volunteer ambulance co so I'm pretty busy...does it get his attention? nope!

I'm lost.

LL

#495930 06/19/05 11:26 PM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
should add when I express how I feel about how things are going his response is nothing more than "well that sux".

conversations either direct or implied don't /haven't work/ed.

letters don't/ haven't worked

threats don't/ haven't worked

in other words I'm supposed to just be happy that I have a roof over my head, a green lawn and a sweaty snoring lump in the bed every night.

I'm about ready to just go with the flow and when the time is right pack my bags and walk away.

LL

#495931 06/20/05 06:57 AM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 1,652
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 1,652
I'm not sure what to say, but I would like to help. Could you throw some details in so that maybe I could make some educated suggestions. We are all important to each other here and we want to see each other win. Let us give you some help.

Hope to hear from you soon.

#495932 06/20/05 01:52 PM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Quote:

I'm not sure what to say, but I would like to help. Could you throw some details in so that maybe I could make some educated suggestions. We are all important to each other here and we want to see each other win. Let us give you some help.

Hope to hear from you soon.




hey Phoenix_spark,

what type of details are you looking for?

LL

#495933 06/21/05 10:48 PM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
I don't know if it's him or me or just us but I'm not happy with the state of my marriage.

I am not naive and know full well that the intensity of things upon h's first return home wouldn't couldn't last but it seems as if things have not only come full circle but gotten worse than they were before he left in the first place.

If I feel the relationship is empty, lacking, fading...how can he possibly think otherwise?

we don't spend time together
we don't really talk (unless you count "did you get in touch with the septic system people", "I've got an appointment tonight so should be home @ 7 ", "goodbye" "goodnight")
We are not affectionate with eachother other than the obligatory peck hello upon returning from work

I don't know what if anything can be done to change things...it seems as if h is just happy to go with the flow...work..pay the bills and let his wife and kids do their thing but I thought that was just him before and was fooled because all the while he had himself a female friend to visit for lunch several times a week.

Lost

LL

#495934 06/21/05 11:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,681
Likes: 254
K
kml Online
Member
Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,681
Likes: 254
Some thoughts, LL -
First - have you read The Five Love Languages? Do you know your H's love languages? Are you speaking them?

Second - although snooping is usually a bad thing, in this case, it might be good to find out whether he has resumed the affair (or started another one).

Third - are you GAL in a really interesting way? Have you discovered your passions, taken up an interesting new sport, whatever?

Fourth - do you have a plan B? If you found out tomorrow H had been continuing the affair all this time, or whatever, what have you been doing to get yourself closer to a position of financial independence and strength? Seems to me, when you feel safe and secure in the sense that you could get by without H and have a fabulous life of your own, is when the WAS seems to wake up and notice.

Ellie

#495935 06/22/05 01:27 AM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Hi Ellie,

thanks for dropping in...I'm getting tired of this myself so I can imagine how others that have seen me flopping feel


Quote:

Some thoughts, LL -
First - have you read The Five Love Languages? I've read some of it Do you know your H's love languages? words of affirmation and acts of service Are you speaking them? as often as I can..which is often

Second - although snooping is usually a bad thing, in this case, it might be good to find out whether he has resumed the affair (or started another one).

there really is no way for me to snoop. h has his own office 30 miles away with a phone as well as his own cell phone..he never brought anything from, of or relating to ow here and never will...he is his own boss so can be anywhere at any given time throughout the day so I can't just drop in and check on him...heck it took over a year for him to get caught with her the first time and that was a fluke...a family friend of mine just happend to be at the hospital for an anual cancer screen the day he took ow to her apointment...otherwise who knows what would be going on now...I'd probably still be living in ignorant semi bliss trying to just be happy assuming "that's just the way he is"

Third - are you GAL in a really interesting way? Have you discovered your passions, taken up an interesting new sport, whatever?

I started a book discussion group during our seperation...I love to read, learn and talk about things with intelligent people..we meet monthly.

I started a moms night out club that meets monthly for dinner and dancing or pool or whatever.

the moms night out club has led to meeting some fun moms that I do stuff with regularly like karaoke once a week if I'm not otherwise occupied (I am the function queen of the family)

I joined the local volunteer ambulance co that has me on call one night a week and one weekend a month plus monthly training sessions

I do things regularly with the kids like...going fishing, going to the beach, planning summer outings with friends etc.

I enjoy my life and don't feel that much is lacking other than eventually (when the kids are in school full time) getting back to school to earn a masters degree


Fourth - do you have a plan B? If you found out tomorrow H had been continuing the affair all this time, or whatever, what have you been doing to get yourself closer to a position of financial independence and strength?

all set in the strength department...he'd find his bags packed before he could even attempt to explain. Financial independance? well I don't currently have a job of my own as I care for our two kids (6 and 3) and his schedule makes it hard enough to volunteer and do the other things I enjoy.

Seems to me, when you feel safe and secure in the sense that you could get by without H and have a fabulous life of your own, is when the WAS seems to wake up and notice.

Oh he notices but instead of it making him want to or attempt to engage me he just says with an attitude "must be nice to have a life" I don't get him...doesn't like when I don't have much of a life and want to do things/ spend time with him (and get annoyed that he doesn't want to/ can't spend time with me) and now that I have a life and don't bother/ count on him he's pissy.



Ellie




any ideas
LL

#495936 06/23/05 03:42 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 218
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 218
Hi Ellie,

I don't post much and when I do it's in the mid life section but your post caught my attention.

I have been going through this since may 03 myself no I am still seperated not piecing.

What struck me was even though you have activities and GAL but no finanical independence.


The qoute that struck me from you H was

Quote:

he just says with an attitude "must be nice to have a life"




It seems like there may be some resentment here on your H's part he may feel as though he is doing all the work footing the bill. Right or wrong this may be the way he is feeling.

after 2 years of reading everything I can find on MLC and such I have noticed a resentment on the WAS

If the LBS was a stay at home the WAS resent that the LBS'S don't in their minds contribute to the marriage They don't see the house chorse and the child raising as contributing even though it is they dont see it that way.

also on the other hand if the LBS was a career person the WAS resent that and see it as a lack of attention.

So the 180 idea is right.

Perhaps if you take a part-time job or even maybe take some classes towards a career even real estate classes. I tink most cities have real estate agencies that give classes either free or for a very low fee.
I know taking care of children is work but perhaps your H is not seeing this right now. I am sure that you could perhaps trade off babbysitting with other moms in your mom's group to allow you to take some classes.

It's worth a shot see how your H reacts to this and even if he dosen't you will be advancing yourself towards financial independence away from him.

Just a thought


Donna






#495937 06/23/05 11:52 AM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Hi Donna,

thanks for the reply

Quote:

It's worth a shot see how your H reacts to this and even if he dosen't you will be advancing yourself towards financial independence away from him.




When I joined the ambulance co I had to take an emt course it was 2 nights a week for 3 months and several saturdays...I had to have my mom come and stay with the kids til h got home from work and find a sitter for most of the saturdays...Didn't change his attitude..infact I often feel my obligation to the ambulance co annoys him..no matter how much advance notice I give him when I'm covering a weekend shift (sat or sun from 6am to 6am once a month) he gets an attitude and eventually I still have to find a sitter. Getting a part time job wouldn't be worth it to me or to the potential employer...h only expects his employees to put their job first and would not make it easy for me to get to work on time and paying someone to watch the kids would make the pay irrelevant.
And of course he'd expect the money I earn to go to him. The courses I want to take are not free and will take time and attention.

LL

#495938 06/25/05 12:07 AM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
Ok so it may not be the greatest solution but it's a begining and something that did work in the past...unfortunatley it didn't last as there was a falling out.

H and I need a outgoing couple to go out with or get together with...NO, not in a swinger kind of way....but in a way that I've noticed h is more receptive to plans of going out or doing things if a, we are invited by others or b, there are others involved.

before our seperation and for some time after we did have a couple that we doubled with every other week...a buddy of h's from hs and his wife whom I'm still friends with...trouble is about a year and a half ago the guys had a falling out over something trivial and neither will contact the other so that's out.

we do have the dinner club that meets monthly but that's just not enough.

when we were double dating with the other couple it got us out and therefore got us going out alone the other weekends or at least doing stuff together.

so how to find a couple that live close enough and that we both like both partners (nothing like having the wives get along but the h's not or visa versa) without sounding like swingers.

LL

Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard