I sometimes have a tendency to over-write, so I'll keep this as short as possible. Quick background: Married going on 20 years, with kids. Marriage pronounced DOA by Walkaway Wife before and after discovery of her affair. I was turned on to Michele's book ("Divorce Remedy") and began working myself to save our marriage. We are not separated, and our marriage never disintegrated to the point where we began to argue or hate the sight of each other; we simply grew disinterested, disenchanted, and disengaged (or as I like to call it, "Absentee Me"). Anyway, within just a few days of reading "DR" and starting to make genuine, lasting changes within myself, there have been a LOT of very small -- yet very positive -- responses from my wife that would not have come had I not been following Michele's program. We've been spending a lot more time together and discovering that we really like it -- and each other. And the biggest positive sign for me so far is that my wife has over the past few days become more affectionate toward me and has begun speaking in terms of "we." While she hasn't specifically stated that she is now thinking less about divorce or dropped the idea altogether (I haven't asked her straight out -- and I don't intend to, either, because temperature-taking is destructive and I'll know for sure in its own good time), she hasn't stated specifically that she still *is* considering it. For me, every new day that goes by (with me continuing on track to make genuine, lasting changes in me that I know she has always wanted and needs to see continue) without her saying she wants a divorce or separation is one more nail in *that* beast's coffin. All I know for certain from Michele's program is that walkaway mates convinced that divorce is the best decision do NOT suddenly start voluntarily doing things out of the blue to spend more time with you.
In the meantime, I've encountered a few things that I don't recall Michele specifically mentioning in the book (or seen mentioned much by others who post on this site) that I'd like to share from time to time that might be helpful to others trying to find their way back, just like me. Here's one:
If you've begun working with the program and get to the point where your partner is starting to spend more time with you, and you find yourselves enjoying it, avoid the urge to start discussing your relationship -- especially the first few times. It's easy to feel like this time together might never come again (especially if it's taken you forever to get together in the first place), so you might as well milk it for all it's worth. Well, don't do it -- that's just introducing pressure and emotion. People like doing enjoyable things, and talking about a screwed-up relationship isn't enjoyable for most people. Nobody has *ever* argued, blamed, cried, wheedled, begged, pleaded, slammed a door, or told someone to fark off while two people were doing something enjoyable and relaxing.
While you both will have to discuss your life eventually, use your time to let it dawn on you that you both actually like spending time together. Especially if you're in a walkaway relationship like mine, this is one of the first things that is going to start providing the hope to your walkaway mate -- or even the actual, undeniable proof -- that things CAN be salvaged and that your marriage CAN be better than you ever imagined it could. Just enjoy that time and let it work its own quiet little brand of miracle -- let that good will and good feeling keep building and growing instead of first concentrating on discussing your broken relationship and who might need to do what in order to begin to mend it.
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Re: Something learned so far on The Road Back#348586 11/19/0408:44 PM11/19/0408:44 PM