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Thread three.

Titled in line with an earlier consensus of the regulars …

And a title style taken from the Rebuild of Evangelion

(I’ve watched the original series, series revised ending, first movie set, and the rebuild. There is so much human and metaphysical symbolism packed in there …. )

First thread:

Grief and Gratitude, Grok

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2949552&page=all

Second Thread:

Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2950131&page=all


Awaken - by Breaking Benjamin

So far away, I'm dead awoken
And I'm faded, out of breath
Life falls to grey, hope of the hopeless
And I pray without a prayer

Cut my cover down
In the hollow between, you find the venom in me
Rip my world apart
In the sorrow beneath, you find the devil in me

Life falls to grey, hope of the hopeless
And now only dust remain
Tear my head apart
A broken life has left me born to burn

Stay forever in the light
I awaken, I survive
And I still hear the call of life
I'm taken by the tide

Arise!

Stay forever in the light
I awaken, I survive
And I still hear the call of life
I'm taken by the tide!


g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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Hello g

Originally Posted by grok
To me, love and marriage is so much more than a feeling.

I see XW now and do a double take. At first it looks like my W, then does not... It's as if the W I had is seen through a smoky and distorted funhouse mirror.

Her face fades...I still recall...the dream of a girl I used to know...as she slipped/walked away

I hear you man.


Also, Boston is awesome!!

(Another excellent artist and album: Chicago and their album Chicago 17)

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Grok

Aftershocks… great way of putting it . On either end of this I find we are all in the same space . They are so random too . Just hit you out of nowhere. Music is a bit of a trigger for me . Not mine but H music . For months he was listening to random bands last year . Now if they come on awkward because I’m over in my head thinking who he likes that song about . Throws me for a bit . Any specific thing that triggers your after shocks ?

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A Birthday!

S12's birthday today! He is now officially S13. I have three teens in the house shocked

We did presents opening this morning. (Good God! that battery powered nerf gun shoots hard! ... that's why eye pro is included in the box...) D17 was primary decorator. D17 and I shopped over the last week. D19 took him to Universal theme park yesterday, just the two of them, for the whole day. I paid his half.

D17 has a friend who makes cakes so I ordered one from her. It looks great! We'll do the cake tonight when XW is over bringing D17 home.

Aftershock triggers ...

Caligirl, it's been kind of eclectic. I wonder sometimes if it isn't a combo of a trigger and an internal build up that must be released. Things that point to the void between what is and what should have been. Some recent experiences ... and writing them down now brings some tremors.


- OM related...

Not so much anymore, but just like you mentioned, things that made you wonder. See her madly messaging in her car. Hear a small airplane fly overhead ("oh, OM flies overhead to show he's thinking of me").


- In church yesterday.

D17 and I entered and saw Grandpa sitting in a pew waiting for us. We sat beside him of course.

In the sermon... Upon returning to origin, without spouse. Bitterness.

Ruth 1:20-21

“But she said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, and the LORD has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the LORD has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?”

BANG trigger. I couldn't breath. Aftershock.

I do/did feel that way. I GET how she felt. Every issue XW raised could have been straightforwardly worked through. Are they distortions due to OM? or am I such a failure that the LORD has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?

But Naomi was not yet seeing the bigger ends and the blessings…I.e. Ruth was with her. And that was not the end of the story ....


- Music does it for me also.

I am an 80's kid...(Thanks DnJ for the Chicago 17 reminder smile ) Here's one from the other day, a new release from an 80's band. Such a cheerful pop synth sound woven with a touch of Melancholia (def. a condition characterized by markedly depressed mood, bodily complaints, and sometimes hallucinations and delusions). Playing of the themes earlier discussed of death and divorce. There is a lot of overlap. Substituting in the XW for "Mum and Dad" in the lyrics and see what you think.

It got me on first listen. I like the song. I can't listen without tremors. Yet. Catch 22.

Say Goodbye To Mum And Dad - by Tears for Fears

Say goodbye to Mum and Dad
Say hello to all the ghosts of Leningrad
Everything is up for grabs
Go tell all your friends society's gone mad

God is wise and Jesus loves us all

It's no life, this island of fear
When tomorrow comes
We'll brave the wild frontier
Get out this place
Inside, outside, nowhere to hide
When tomorrow comes
We'll face the great divide

Say goodbye to Mum and Dad (Say goodbye to what we had)
It's a dusty road of faded photographs
Wipe that welcome from the mat (Walk the dog and feed the cat)
Things are broken and they're never coming back

God is wise and Jesus loves us all

It's no life, this island of fear
When tomorrow comes
We'll brave the wild frontier
Get out this place
Inside, outside, nowhere to hide
When tomorrow comes
We'll face the great divide


g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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Grok

Love the music you listen to . Many of my favorites too ! Love the 80s . Half my Spotify is all 80s . My kids randomly sing old songs too . Quite cute when people see them singing along too .

Distortion omg yes !!! Watching H slowly clearing that confusion up is utterly insane some days . They lived and continue to live a distorted life until it clears for some . I’ll give you an example . I asked H when I first found out why he cheated . H in one of his many spews said I felt like our marriage was over . I said why ? He said he felt like we co -existed and gave me a long list of everything I don’t do for him . I didn’t respond to much of it . Wasn’t wasting my breath. I waited now and re-asked the question . H - something was wrong with me I felt alone and chasing something that wasn’t real and realize now I should have just put the energy into my marriage. You are exactly the same person you have been . You just don’t ignore me as much anymore . Truth dart thrown - you are home and not cheating so I won’t ignore you . H agreed and said I don’t know how you even deal with me . I can say this was not a thing that changed in the last 6 months . This was 4-5 years of chaos to start seeing a shift that has stuck for the first time in a very long time . It is nothing you did or didn’t do . It is excuses they use to fuel their fires . H openly has said you made it easy to run when you would get upset at something . It got extremely hard to run when you started not even saying a word and got up to do your own thing like you didn’t even care . Stay your course Grok you are doing really well . I keep up with your posts and read some of the old threads .

When I went to bed last night . It was the first day that I noticed that nothing has triggered me since bomb drop . Even the few months before bomb drop when he wasn’t cheating . I still had triggers and anxiety . Day by day they get better .

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Emotional state musings and '80s music

I find my emotional state also has a long duration rise and fall, not just short term triggers as previous posts with Caligirl. This last week has been on the downside. I think ... pushed there by working all the complexities of splitting various retirement accounts and the presence of XW's parents over S13's birthday and upcoming Thanksgiving holidays. (oh yeah, and three children with coughs and sniffles again, ... and little dog reaching end of life, waking me several times a night and pooping on the floor everyday)

Queensryche has been the 80's band of the week. Something a little harder for my mood. Kids are not so sure about this band LOL. They certainly speak to some of our experiences. Here's to you Caligirl, DnJ, Mach1, and other music fans...

We question our very identity after BD. Was anything real? Doubt and Fear. Grasping at making changes to remain whole.

Someone Else? - Queensryche

When I fell from grace
I never realized
how deep the flood was around me.
A man whose life was toil
was like a kettle left to boil,
and the water left scars on me.

I know now who I am.
If only for a while,
I recognize the changes.
I feel like I did before the
magic wore thin and the “baptism
of stains” began.
...
Here I stand at the crossroads edge,
afraid to reach out for eternity,
One step, when I look down,
I see someone else not me.
...
From where I stand at the crossroads edge,
there’s a path leading out to sea.
And from somewhere
deep in my mind,
sirens sing out loud
songs of doubt
as only they know how.
But one glance back reminds, and I see,
someone else not me.

I keep looking back
at someone else… not me?



We will be tempted to stop believing in love. Betrayal from the ONE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD who you gave the ultimate TRUST. You will not EVER be the same. Will you put up those walls? Jaded?

I Don’t Believe in Love - Queensryche

I awoke on impact
Under surveillance from the camera eye
Searching high and low
The criminal mind found at the scene of the crime
Handcuffed and blind, I didn’t do it
She said she loved me
I guess I never knew
But do we ever, ever really know?
She said she’d meet me on the other side
But I knew right then, I’d never find her
...
I guess she had a way
Of making every night seem bright as day
Now I walk in shadows, never see the light
She must have lied ’cause she never said goodbye
....
No chance for contact
There’s no raison d’etre
My only hope is one day I’ll forget
The pain of knowing what can never be
With or without love it’s all the same to me`

I don’t believe in love
I never have, I never will
I don’t believe in love
I’ll just pretend she never was real
I don’t believe in love
I need to forget her face, I see it still
I don’t believe in love
It’s never worth the pain that you feel



And now? Can you change into the best man/woman that you can? Can you be who the best version of you from all you learn? Fire up that grit and determination.

Best I Can - Queensryche

A child alone in daddy’s room
The gun was hidden here
No one home to catch me when I fall
A young man now in a private chair
I’ve seen the world through a bitter stare
But my dream is still alive
I’m going to be the best I can

I want to be a busy man
I want to see a change in the future
I’m gonna make the best of what I have
I want to write for a magazine
I’m gonna be the best they’ve ever seen
I know I’ll win if I give it all I can
...
Back street hoop star you’ve got it good
You were the wonder of the crumbling neighborhood
Now taking bids on the next six digit plan
Showed me that my will survived
The tragedy that came into my life
giving me hope and the new start
that I have
...
Now I’m moving forward
And I’m never looking back
Straight ahead, focused on the big attack
On a roll and I’m never slowing down
I won’t be torn between
The man in the chair
And the man that’s in my dream
I’m going to melt the two men into one

I won’t let go, gotta make the grade I set
No, I won’t let it go
To be the best man,
the best man that I can


g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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Originally Posted by Caligirl
Half my Spotify is all 80s . My kids randomly sing old songs too . Quite cute when people see them singing along too .

Heh, one night while doing a Critical Mass nighttime bike ride through the city I rode alongside a family. They had a daughter who looked 14 or 15. She had a bluetooth speaker on her handlebars (like many of the participants) and she was blasting an 80's playlist the whole 10 mile ride. I laughed and sang along...

Originally Posted by Caligirl
H in one of his many spews said I felt like our marriage was over . I said why ? He said he felt like we co -existed and gave me a long list of everything I don’t do for him . I didn’t respond to much of it . Wasn’t wasting my breath. I waited now and re-asked the question . H - something was wrong with me I felt alone

Well, my XW did / said much the same, in the form of earnest talking, making it hard to see as spew in the moment. Even just the month after BD she used the phrase, "when we were married..." It was one of those signs I could hardly believe but meant she was emotionally completely attached to OM already. I drank the STFU smoothie. I had learned by that time the minimum of sticking to only emotional validation. Internally thinking WTF!!!?? We ARE married. Any issues with feeling we are "co-existing" can be worked on WITHIN marriage. There is some truth on disconnection there after 20 years and three kids and two careers.

Originally Posted by Caligirl
I can say this was not a thing that changed in the last 6 months . This was 4-5 years of chaos to start seeing a shift that has stuck for the first time in a very long time .

Interesting on the timeline. It took me a long time to learn about affairs and PEAs and MLC and WAS/WW. Might as well throw in perimenopause as well... Once I did, I took a hard look. ... ~3 to 5 years was my estimate. XW had hard plans to be gone by then. ... D19 once asked me something along the lines of - when mom would be normal. ... I don't know D19. Best guess is 3 to 5 years if ever. She has a lot to deal with

Originally Posted by Caligirl
It is nothing you did or didn’t do . It is excuses they use to fuel their fires . H openly has said you made it easy to run when you would get upset at something . It got extremely hard to run when you started not even saying a word and got up to do your own thing like you didn’t even care . Stay your course Grok you are doing really well . I keep up with your posts and read some of the old threads .

Thank you. I mean it. In this mess we have few if any reference points to check on ourselves.

Funny of the day

I'm sitting at home teleworking today. MS Teams meetings ongoing with headset. My cell phone security camera notifications blowing up about someone in the driveway. ... I check. It is S13 riding a wheeled desk chair down our sloped driveway repeatedly! LOL. Looks like D17 is instigating again. I have plenty of bandaids...

g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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How are things goin ???

From what I've heard, some of my weather is drunk, and in your yard... : )

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Hey Mach1,

Yep, that weather wanders down from ND sometimes. Though by the time it gets here it went from -20F in ND to +38F yesterday morning here. Still, if you want a laugh, google Florida winter or cold weather memes...

- Ya'll pray for Florida, it's 48 degrees and we don't own any pants
- It's time to break out the cold weather gear, I'll wear socks with my sandals.
- Take a look at the beach, those wearing hats and jackets are Floridians, the ones in trunks and bikinis are tourists...

Days and Holidays and ... I'm 55 today

It's been a few days since my last update... I'm constantly tired, minor/moderate stressors in multiple dimensions, tight with the children, it's been a time of consolidation of self, focusing on the close in, I check in and read here everyday, often composing partial posts in my head but ... Kids and I basically took Thanksgiving week off from anything else...

Little dog with cancer walks with difficulty, poops/pees on floor, wakes me multiple times a night to go out for 10 minutes. This may be his last week. D17 is having the hardest time with it.

D17 has two chickens surviving. We have started to let them out in the back yard, uncaged. Dogs seem afraid of them LOL.

I spend an evening a week now helping D17 with her dual enrollment college classes. Algebra and a Bible class. She doesn't seem to want mom's help.

S13 is in a bit of a funk. ... Reverting to "I don't know" whenever asked questions.

D19 is working hard still and trying to figure out how to not be tired all the time from working all day... Hahahahah... I really shouldn't laugh as the next generation discovers the toil of unsheltered adulthood. She is exploring the concept of moving out sometime and getting an apartment with a friend. I did a brief walk though of how it is possible, but not as easy as she thinks to pay for everything.

Made two, hour long runs to the store last night after getting home from work. Once with D19 and then another with D17. Sinterklaas traditions from partial Dutch ancestry. Put out shoes that get filled with goodies by the next morning. Had to go get the (secret) goods. And help D17 shop for her Secret Santa duties on her gymnastics team.

D19, "Mom is asking if it is OK if she puts Sinterklaas things in our shoes here"
Think for a moment. Is this good for my children? yes.
G, "yes D19, that is fine"

Friends

I may write out some longer bits another time... because some of this requires more contemplation.

I made a new friend at the brewpub before the dual hurricanes. I went on my usual Tuesday night but the crew I know wasn't there. So ... I got a beer and went to the long window table just me and a book. A guy comes up also solo and plunks down a space away. After a few minutes i say hello and he notices my bookmark is "The Four Agreements." It turns out he had recently read it ... Because:
      - He's a WAH
      - Two years separated, now working to finalize D
      - "Just wasn't happy" anymore
      - In therapy ... apparently not one encouraging working it out.
      - Was the second marriage
      - Had a D14 from the first, where the W used the courts to keep him from her. He kept records of all his attempts to get partial time. When she asked "why didn't you fight for me," he just handed her the records. She didn't need to read them all and they are tight now.
      - He got himself a girlfriend now, despite still being officially M, stbxw apparently went from non-hostile to ballistic when she found out last month.
      - Prior military officer, same service.

I just listened and didn't accuse. ... though I don't think I can agree with his approach or values here. Told him the outlines of my story. His eyes boggled a bit at her choices.

The first friend I made at the brewpub, F, is now getting a divorce. He talked to me about it a little bit some time ago. Apparently, his W, J, is a partial alcoholic and behaves badly the days following consumption. From his perspective...she won't work on it or change. She was welcoming and friendly to me on Tuesday nights.

A military officer who was a good friend some years ago is planning to retire and was asking me yesterday about locations around me in Florida. I'd love having him nearby as we've been out of touch for a while.

Grandparents

XW's parents still in town in their own RV. We get along well, though I think communication is awkward as they go through D19/D17 often. Interesting daughters' perception of them and mom and ... on whose home this is ... I put zero blocking between them and the kids. They are welcome to come visit or take the kids out.

"Dad, Grandpa and Grandma want to know if it's OK to come over and play games Sunday afternoon after church, they will be there and take us to lunch. "
"OK, sure, they are welcome, and it will be fun."
"Oh, they are asking if mom should come."
pause
"No."
"OK, at least they asked this time...."


Lines of authority

In line with whose home it is... I discovered S13 was planning a movie marathon day with his friends but had not talked to me. I think for him there is some internal confusion about lines of authority and areas of responsibility. Having mom in the home some hours each week ....

G, "S13, were you planning this with just your friends? Do their parents know?"
S13, "I don't know"
G, "OK, but this has to be done by parents, not just kids arranging what they want..."
S13, "Well, I talked to mom about that I wanted to do."
D19, "S13, Whose home is this?"
Both D19 and D17 point at me.
G, "S13, for things done here, you have to talk to me and I'll talk to their parents."
S13 hangs his head
G, "You have a good idea and it will be fun to plan a Minions movie marathon for you and friends."
D19, "we'll pencil in in on the calendar and work on it."

Thanksgiving

The kids and I made a spread of traditional thanksgiving stuff. Took all afternoon to make! They didn't mention mom. I didn't either. I had one question from S13 about the grandparents coming over but I deflected it. Maybe I should have been blunt. ... Best judgment at the time and all...

Kids wanted a bluetooth speaker in the kitchen to listen to music... So I did one better. I pulled out of the closet a partial tube(!) based mini-integrated amp and speaker set. Did some minor repairs on the volume control and set it up on my large kitchen island. Gloss black so it looks and sounds pretty good.

and Christmas next up

The day after Thanksgiving, D17 had most of the Fall decorations already packed up! LOL. We got out the Christmas decoration boxes. D17, S13 and I also went out to inexpensive stores to get decorations for the home. Wall stickers, bottle brush trees, nativity nesting dolls, little battery lights, and more! It really looks good!

The tree will have to wait a week. I want it to live until New Years. Starting last year, I changed out from the artificial tree XW always liked to a real tree. Traditions and patterns for the 4 of us only.

g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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Grok

Nice to see you putting the kids first with the grandparents. I did the same . When all came out I think H parents thought I wouldn’t let the kids see them . I said we may not always see eye to eye but that doesn’t involve the grandchildren. You are welcome to come in anytime. Your son is banned when he moves out . His parents surprisingly agreed .

I’m cracking up at the speaker !! It took me a week how to figure out connecting to the echo dot . I’m sure the kids love it .

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For those following along, the amp/speaker is the HTC HMS-100, an OEM version of some hobbyist audiophile stuff (google for images). Purchased for $80 on clearance one day on a whim. It's pretty in chrome and gloss black.

It came with an iPod dock... iykyk. And a brush and white gloves to take care of fingerprints! I never did replace the tubes to experiment with other versions or mess with the speakers. I've had it in the back of my mind to replace the internals of the iPod doc with a Bluetooth receiver...a hobbyist modernization. Quirky fun smile

g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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Good Morning g

Happy 55th Birthday! Hope you had a great day.


Originally Posted by grok
S13 is in a bit of a funk. ... Reverting to "I don't know" whenever asked questions.

Originally Posted by grok
S13 was planning a movie marathon day with his friends but had not talked to me.

Sounds like son is acting like a typical teenager. smile Brooding, starting to push boundaries, testing you, seeing how rock solid your convictions are, etc. Don’t worry, it’s only a phase. It only lasts until they’re about 25. LOL!

The amp looks pretty cool! I think a Bluetooth receiver would be an excellent upgrade.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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...down one dog

Well, little dog with cancer finally met his end on Monday… Peeing on his bedding I washed every day. I consulted with the children and D17 didn’t want to put him down so long as he wasn’t in pain or loosing his mind.

I was teleworking Monday. Made eggs and bacon for the kids before they woke at S13’s request. Figured out D19 didn’t have work until 10:30. OH! There is a gap here where all three kids are home together with me right now! Let’s go get our Christmas Tree! Off we went, after waking D19 (grumpy and moody after being woken with a 10 minute deadline…). We all enjoyed the hour, going and playing music, picking an eight foot White Pine, discussing where in the living room we will put it this year. Big dog’s crate got moved for it…he was so confused! LOL!

I had put the little dog outside in the sun for the afternoon like he enjoyed. In the evening it was time to go take S13 to his scout like troop…though I had little spare time to squeeze in the full work day and all the over activities. In a rush out to my vehicle, I remembered little dog outside at the last moment and rushed back to bring him inside. He had fallen asleep in the sun outside in the back yard and never woke up. About a good a way as he could go. He hadn’t been eating much at all the last week. He couldn’t walk.

I put the body in the garage and pondered… when to tell each child? How? D19 is at work. D17 is at gymnastics. I’m taking S13 to his troop meeting.

I decided to try and wait until we got back.

While at the troop meeting I get messages from D19, ”Where is little dog?!!!!”

OK, well, she will take it the best. So, I just told her…. And that I hadn’t told her siblings yet. D19 immediately grasped the dilemma. Since she was going to pick D17 up from gymnastics (XW said she couldn’t that night, please someone pick her up) and volunteered to delay D17 coming home so I could tell them together. ”I’ll take D17 out for a Boba or some other treat to delay her.”.

D19 ended up getting chicken nuggets and French fries for all. But had to tell D17 on the way home. I told S13 when we got home. Hugs to D17 and S13 ran off for a couple minutes. None wanted to go see the body.

"Why are you here?"

Around 9p, our two remaining dogs, big and little, got anxious around the door. I had an idea of what was going on and saw XW’s outline through the door window. I just unlocked the door and opened it while continuing on about my evening business. She came in the door looking around for the kids. D17 was on the couch looking at her.

D17, ”Why are you here?”[/]
XW, [I]”to give hugs…

D17, ”NO, I mean WHY are you IN THE HOUSE?”
XW tentatively, ”… I can go back outside if you want … I’ll wait in the car?”

XW, ”D19 messaged it might be good if I came in tonight.”
D17, ” … no …”

S13 got 10 minutes of hugs from mom.

D17, D19, …. Some minutes and then went their own way.

I didn’t take part. I busied myself with other things needing doing. This is between her and them.

My consoling and advice for them was before and in the hours over the next day.

g

—written at the campfire tonight on my laptop … one night campout with S13 and wreath laying tomorrow at the National Cemetery—

*Wreaths Across America*


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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Good Morning g

My condolences on the passing of your family’s pooch. A loving faithful companion. (((Hugs)))

Originally Posted by grok
He had fallen asleep in the sun outside in the back yard and never woke up. About a good a way as he could go.

I agree. Nice and peaceful. Wrapped within a warm beam of sunlight.

D


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I realized I hadn't been adding lyrics last few posts ... I guess the feels from the music has been separate from the stories I've been relating ...

from the harder rock before though new-wave/goth of The Church, The Cure, New Order, ... to being more chill of

the last few days it has been back to dance/electronica/ambient. No, I can't dance. I'm terrible at it. But I do find the complex morphing beats to be calming in a way.

I used to listen to ambient after I got home from work to help me put away the busy of the day for a while.

"Hey Spotify, play Röyksopp radio."

The Next Day - Röyksopp
...
She came to me with sincerity
She gave me all that she was
I took her in, let love begin

But in the morning next day
She had to go, she couldn't stay
I never got to know why

She gave a kiss and said goodbye
But as she walked out the door
I saw the tеars behind it all

The dying light in her еyes
A jaded heart that would keep us apart

Oh, I wanted to stay beside you

Oh, I wanted to stay beside you


well ... that struck home.

XW, shortly after saying she wanted a separation, "G, my heart is hardened now. I don't think you can reach me."

I find out LATER (from snooping) she was already fully infatuated with OM when she said this. Yeah, ... No $h1t. When you are in an A, you will not be open to me, your H.
...

A little while later in the generated playlist, tying back to the 80's music, much to my surprise was this artist combo in my playlist. I know Jean-Michel Jarre as an electronica pioneer starting in the late 70s, popularized in the 80s, and the first Western artist to perform in China after Mao. And the Pet Shop Boys? LOL. Synth-Pop stars of the 80s with many hits. Together?!

Brick England - Jean-Michel Jarre, Pet Shop Boys

Evening
When the sun begins to sink
behind the smoke
there's a burning red glow all around
Watching
as the colour starts to fade
and the darkness
seems to rise out of the ground

Walls rise and fall
and now they're building tall
in the city
Brick England
They build them up
and then they knock 'em down
to put up another

Brick England


What a catchy blend of both signature styles! and perhaps hits my melancholy streak more than I need. It doesn't pull me under anymore. Still, no need to dwell there emotionally. I was on overload far too long.

g


Ack! I let one more superbly catchy beat though! Dreams of a past gone by ... ... or a future to be

Diamond Veins (feat. Sarah Rebecca) [Kid Francescoli Remix]

Blood-filled jewel of life
Take my soul, take my sacrifice

Diamond veins running through me
You are the diamonds in my veins
Baby, you caught me


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
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Grok

I’m so jealous of the campfire . It’s been cold here so no fires . Such a peaceful thing I enjoy .

Sorry to hear about the pup . But what a way to go in the sunshine . Sounds peaceful .

Your music choices are always interesting. Hard hearts are definitely unreachable . Your posts help give me a sense of peace at times . Love reading them .

Hope you and the kids have a wonderful holiday .

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Originally Posted by Caligirl
Your posts help give me a sense of peace at times . Love reading them . .
Here’s one for you then. A "Slice of Life" bit. They help me ... withstand.

A Christmas shopping side story

So, … shopping at Walmart with D19 for a last few bits and looking for maybe a hoodie for S13. Nothing in the kids section. Check the mens section… a small might work. She finds a one with an anime character he likes … except the only ones of that style are mens 42-44 sized!

We look at each other. Thinking, well, he could wear it as a tent? …. aaarrrrggg! *sigh*

I whip out my phone and the WM app to look it up. There is one small supposedly in stock 30 minutes to the south …. I’m not driving all that way for this. Maybe I can order it delivered? I check. Yes! Delivery on the 24th. No! The app reverts to a different zip code. Aaarrrgg! I fight with the app while we walk around and finish shopping. As we walk out of the store, I’m about to do the online checkout, and I realize the total is $10+ high. ???

Ok. Next fight. With the app. Bring it on. …. “get free shipping with orders over $35. Add more to your cart!” *sigh*. Fine. I’ll figure this out as we walk out to the car.

G, ”hey D19, I have to add more to not pay shipping on the one item…what do we need?”
D19, ” Oh! Annies Mac n Cheese Please! The white cheddar kind!!!”
G, ”Ah! Good thought. Easy and reasonable healthy and D17 likes them too”

So I add 4 boxes to the online cart, as we are walking in the parking lot, … “get free shipping with orders over $35. Add more to your cart!”

*sigh*. Fine.

So I add 4 MORE boxes to the online cart, as we get in the car in the parking lot, … “get free shipping with orders over $35. Add more to your cart!”

*sigh*. Fine.

G, ”OK D19, we’ll go as soon as I can complete this. I still need more. What are those noodles long like spaghetti but flat?”
D19, ”Dunno, google it”

Hahahaha … Google autocomplete’s the question before I finish typing. I’m not the only noodle dummy out here. Fettuccini.

So I add 4 boxes of fettuccini to the online cart. “You get free shipping for your order over $35!” Finally. I mark them all to come on the same day.

$20 for the hoodie. ~$20 for noodles. We’ll eat them. Just buying ahead a little.

D19, "Lets go already! I'm hungry. I want Mac n cheese"

Annies Mac n Cheese delivered yesterday
Fettuccini delivered today
Still waiting for the hoodie

SMH. *whatever*

Wrong Side of Heaven

I’m stronger…but still … the holidays hit you sideways sometimes anyways.

The song is about PTSD. You experience. Loss of Identity. Shame. Guilt. FAILURE. Yeah. You. Me. LBS. …

An IC I talked to offered PTSD treatments. Not unusual for the LBS.

Wrong Side of Heaven - Five Finger Death Punch

I spoke to God today
And she said that she's ashamed
What have I become?
What have I done?
I spoke to the devil today
And he swears he's not to blame
And I understood
'Cause I feel the same

Arms wide open
I stand alone
I'm no hero
And I'm not made of stone
Right or wrong
I can hardly tell
I'm on the wrong side of Heaven
And the righteous side of Hell
The wrong side of Heaven
And the righteous side
The righteous side of Hell

I'm not defending
Downward descending
Falling further and further away
Getting closer every day
I'm getting closer every day
To the end



In hindsight, one of my biggest fears has been my biggest stabilizer. Single Dad. Three kids.

G’s parents, ”G. You have to do what it takes. You have three precious children who need you. RIGHT NOW.”

Yeah, that is an external locus. I know. It is an immediate hands on focal point though … while I work on the inside.

Which also helps drive a plea to the Almighty. To set myself aright, to be able to hold them in my arms in a stable home, I need my feet on solid ground. I must WITHSTAND this storm.

And I found out they have provided stability to ME in return. Filling in the gaps. Accepting and helping in reordering the household rhythms.

Withstand - MUCH MORE

I was bankin' on myself and my righteousness
Overthinking left me vacant up in my chest
Oh God, I was so upset and
Oh God, I was so obsessed with
My thoughts they were in the flesh and
My God, I was on the ledge when

You set my feet on the rock
No more sinking in sand
For much I was bought
Now much more I will withstand


g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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Originally Posted by grok
… the holidays hit you sideways sometimes anyways.

this evening

The kids left for mom and grandparents ~1+ hours ago. D19 herded the other two and said lets go. ... part of Christmas reduced to a settlement contract between XW and I. the 24th her. the 25th me. It make me want to throw up.

the rationalizing offered by XW echoing around my insides.

Wrapping a last few items while they aren't here. Little dog snoring on the bed.

Listening to Spotify radio based off all my likes... whew! that is a variety.. LOL.

Cleaning and resetting my oversized custom Amish desk. All those things needing attention when running a household... Medical, cars, bikes, ... messaging parents and sisters.

Opening and resetting connectors on the inside of my main computer monitor. Dell U2711 off ebay years ago. A 2011 model! It's gradually degrading and I should get a new one. To upgrade will need $400 plus though. *sigh*

her
Going through the little decorations, I come across a figurine of Wonder Woman I got from a vending machine ~15 years ago. I have had it in front of me at my desk under my monitor at work or at home for all these years. It represented XW to me.

My hands start shaking. I put it in a box in the closet. Things of HER have to be put away. I .... can't right now.

Spotify is playing ...

Waiting for the End - Linkin Park

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go
...
I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
...
'Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Whew! Breath.

Stop and reset

Stop it G.

Wonderful normal kids who love being here with me. Great smelling 8 ft Christmas tree and I put cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg in a pot on the stove. Presents for all under the tree. Interesting and solid job and workmates. Flex time. Solid loving parents and sisters. Hehe, even when we haven't gotten together in years, if we sit on the couch together ... suddenly we are in a pile just as if we were still kids together... LOL. Four bedroom home, with space, I can afford. And on.

Kids said they would kick in so I can get Audioengine A1 speakers at my desk for presents smile The Cambridge Soundworks FPS2000 speaker set I've been using for ~20 years will go to D19. Good quality lasts ... I'll have to get the Audioengine S6 subwoofer some other time. Yes, a budget audiophile ... Anyone know where I can get a Sony TA-N9000ES amp repaired? It's about 55 lbs so I don't want to ship! Originally worth about $2k+ 25 years ago...it still will sell for $8-900!

I digress ...

D17 messages, "Daaaad, we're gonna need help bringing in stuff when we get home. ..."

Oh my! but ... I notice ... I ... am her home.

g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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G - you're doing a great job and have a positive attitude. As you pointed out, I trust that you have harder days and that the holidays presented some challenges. Yet, all in all, you are holding the family together while healing the insides. It's a lot to be responsible for and you're rocking it. The kids see you as family and think of you as their home. There's no greater compliment if you ask me. Healing is a process, as I too am learning. The insides will catch up.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. What a peaceful way to go though.

Let's see what 2025 will bring.

Happy New Year!


H:49 W:49
M:26; T:32
D21; S23
BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD)
BD2: Sept 2023
Moved out: Dec 2023
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Happy New Year all.

Here's to new beginnings.  Some we wanted and some we didn't in 2025.

Christmas

Christmas through New Years was pretty good for us, D19, D17, S13, and me.   Not as big of a presents pile this year (Finances remain a juggling act in the short term until the remaining alimony payments are done) and we were late in shopping for each other.  Each child got something in the $100+ range as an anchor gift from "Santa" plus a small pile of wants and stocking stuffers.  S13 is now a front yard and street menace with his Arrma Granite Grom RC car.  I also decided to get something all three could share ... A countertop "soft ice" maker.  I got squeals of excitement.  

Grandparents

Kids told me Grandma and Grampa (XW's parents) were leaving Florida early.  By New Years day.  By all accounts something over a month early from previous planning.  They had been meeting us at church each week and taking the kids and I out to lunch each week.  All their own initiative.  

They have been over a number of times at the kids invitation to play games and so on.  The answer was always YES when the kids said the grandparents wanted to take them or meet them somewhere.  

Interestingly, the kids were sad briefly and expressed their feelings to me, but that was it.  Not broken-down crying for a few days like when we got back from visiting my family.  I am very careful not to bias the children toward either set of grandparents.  When the kids note differences, I simply say, that is how this set of grandparents expresses their love for you.  

XW

XW has not shown up at the house during daytimes (as allowed) during winter break. Sometimes not in the evenings for goodnights as has been her pattern.  She apparently (I'm guessing here) forgot D17's new gym schedule again on Monday.  I was teleworking that day and D17 asked if I could take her in to gym that morning... "right now so I'm not late".  I did and didn't ask why.  I received a call from D17 mid-day asking for a pickup also.  I did and didn't ask why.  

New Years

I’ve been late on a number of things as I work out how to single parent. Fireworks for New Years is another one them. Reminding myself to give myself grace …. Too late to get a discount store pack. *sigh* this will cost more…. Still, it has been important to them to light fireworks with me every year. The evening of the 31st I piled the kids in the truck to head out to a fireworks sales tent I remember a few miles away.

I let them pick out one “big” $15 thing each + a small pack with 25 or so misc. Like everything else these days prices have jumped up. $170. S13 picked a ground pack that launched 20 rockets in a row. D17 picked a pack of spin launch rockets. D19 picked a sword that spat flames and sparkles from the tip. They picked for me a “gatling gun” that spat 200 roman candle balls!

We started an hour before midnight and ended up lighting the last ones in the first minutes of 2025! And. I learned “calming music for dogs during fireworks” is an actual thing. Multiple YouTube videos. AND IT WORKED!!! Big and little dogs chilled in their crates while the music played.

-side story-

Really we started about an hour before that. After buying fireworks I headed to the nearby grocery store for a lighter from the grilling section.

S13, D17, D19, ”Daaaad, Daaaaaad, aren’t you going to get a cart? You know you never leave without a bunch of other stuff.”

G, ”OK, OK. I just don’t like making extra trips when I’m already here. S13 this bag of apples for you since that is a fruit you will eat. D17 pick a sliced meat like you wanted for sandwiches. Yes, D19 we can get some special snacks. You may get the potato chips and French dip. Yes you can all pick out a drink. Ha! D19 wanted to try Champagne. OK Lets do that too.

For those wondering, yes, I follow the approach that my kids may try things like drinks in my presence and control. They do not need to sneak. Their curiosity is satisfied. I control when, where, and how much.

By 12:30 all are in their beds. Zzzzzz. And sleep in.

2025

A lazy morning. All needed rest. House is a mess. Ugh. OK. I have to remember all over again. I’m it. No one else to share duties with. It can still be disorienting.
a wave of chemicals wash into my bloodstream
a melange of emotions roll through

Noon and we clear debris and put away Christmas stuff. Wails all around. NOPE, we are cleaning up today. Dad says. So they all settle into tasks.

Afternoon double plot twist.

S13 comes over to me and says ”Dad, can my friend M come over for the Minions movie marathon I wanted to do with him?”
G, in a snap decision, ”OK, S13, I’ll ask his dad.”

He can come over , and S13 has to double down on doing all the chores and cleanup first. He does well. They will watch the first three movies and do the other three another day.

D17 is unhappy. She wanted a peaceful day. And an outing with us four to the park or something. I explain that S13 often gets left behind in activities he wants. And we have been trying to arrange a day for the last month.

D17 gets lots more unhappy when XW messages them and asks to to out someplace with them for the afternoon/evening. Her day has been totally changed from what she wanted and she feels obligated to go with mom. Whew! Some emotions spewing!

Most chores done, D19 drives off with D17, M arrives to watch movies.

I … take the time to pack more of XWs misc stuff into boxes and put them in the garage with all the other things. Such a giant amount of *stuff* of hers … mostly handicraft or education related… most of which hasn’t been touched in many years. I feel more irritated than anything else. It is about two years after she first accepted romantic overtures from OM. If she hasn’t taken the time, I certainly don’t feel bad about dumping it all in boxes and moving it all out of the house.

I take M home with S13, and D17 and D19 arrive home ~9p. We get to bed a little early. Regular year begins tomorrow.

May God grant me (us) Mercy this year. I (we) need it.

g

Kyrie Eleison (It's Mercy We Need) - Elias Dummer feat. Citizens

Mercy
What I need is mercy
But what I want is mostly, mercy for me
Justice, yeah, we all we want justice
But is it really justice if it doesn’t cost us
Do I love mercy enough to bleed?
Will I do justly when it ain’t free?
I could walk humbly, weak on my feet
With Christ as my king, his mercy through me
Kyrie Eleison
Lord Have Mercy

Kyrie Eleison
(Lord Have Mercy)

Mercy mercy mercy for the sinner in me
Mercy mercy mercy for my friends and enemies
Mercy mercy mercy through my hands and through my feet
Lord have mercy cause it’s mercy we need


H:55 XW:50
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DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
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Good Morning g

A soft ice creamer maker! Cool!

Originally Posted by grok
I have to remember all over again. I’m it. No one else to share duties with. It can still be disorienting.

Oh, I do remember waking up like that. It is disorienting as the realizations slam back in.

Originally Posted by grok
I’ve been late on a number of things as I work out how to single parent.

Yes, give yourself some grace. It takes time to figure this stuff out.

One of the biggest lessons of single parenting. Letting things go. There is lots to do- usually too much - ensure the high priority, important stuff is taken care of and go on from there. And do carve out that so important recharge time for grok. Burning out serves no one.

You’re doing really good g!

D


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Grok

I found to help with being disoriented just selecting 2 things to accomplish. I started this few years ago when I felt like my weekends were not really days off . It has helped tremendously.

If it’s late . It’s late . Promise the world keeps spinning .

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Originally Posted by DnJ
A soft ice creamer maker! Cool!

Well, not quite! LOL. Soft ice as in the kind of ice many fast food or restaurants use. The ice chunks are made so they are filled with little air bubbles, making them crunchy to chew. Not hard and solid. One step above shaved ice.

Originally Posted by Caligirl
I found to help with being disoriented just selecting 2 things to accomplish. I started this few years ago when I felt like my weekends were not really days off . It has helped tremendously.

Solid advice. Not only do things get done... it feels less overwhelming and you get a feeling of accomplishment.

Originally Posted by Caligirl
If it’s late . It’s late . Promise the world keeps spinning .

Mostly I'm good with that ... though in some areas the engineer in me gets aggravated things are not optimized. *sigh* working on that.

Like tonight. On the way home the other night I picked up the extra ingredients to make a Fettuccini recipe I had looked up. Remember all those extra boxes I ordered to get free shipping of a Christmas gift? White sauce/Kale/Sausage. Sounds delish! I started setting out all the ingredients and found I needed more unsalted butter. OK. I’ll go out to the garage chest freezer where I have some bulk supplies stored.

Why does it smell and feel soft? OH! #$%^#&%^$%^&.

It’s plugged in but not working. Irritation rises. I throw out three family size bags of Arby’s fires, 32 sticks of butter, some lbs of ground beef, … mutter, mutter, mutter

Stop it G. … the world keeps spinning … smile

Change of plans. What else did I bring home from the previous grocery run? Start with some chicken tenders for protein. Simple with some seasoning and olive oil in the skillet. Then I have green beens to cook. About six minutes to just soft and put some feta on top. Oh yeah, I got that pack of pre-made mushroom ricotta ravioli. Four minutes in the pot.

I find this combo on my plate very satisfying. Now off to make something S13 will eat. He does NOT have adult taste buds yet.

That broken freezer is an accomplishment to achieve some other day.

g


H:55 XW:50
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ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
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Time flies.
I started this post six days ago

I think up the purpose and an outline of a post at least every day. ... S13, D17 and D19 need my attention though. S13 at 11:45 last night. "Sorry to wake you up. Dad, dad, I don't feel good. My belly hurts. I think it's sick feeling." Nyquil and vitamin C and a glass of water.

I still go through the archives and older threads. Yes, my D is final and I'm working through the aftermath and consequences. The lessons in relationships and personal growth though... Well, I'm still learning a lot from real people's stories and their attempts at applying DB lessons. Often said here, applying DB concepts becomes life long.

How do I pick threads? Well ...a variety of ways...though it really is just when something catches my interest.

The latest is from my FB alt account. I get friend suggestions there with last or first names being DB or DeeBee with the other names being their forum name. If they were involved enough to make an alt account, there is probably much to read. The latest is from rockedworld and associated threads.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2049467&page=all

The search here is ... lacking ... So hit your favorite search engine with "site:divorcebusting.com nameyouwanttofind"

Things that resonated

On the complaining WAS who is in an A....
Originally Posted by rockedworld
(He swears they are just "friends" now and only hung out together with a group of people. Whatever! )Sheesh!
Originally Posted by Nikita Belle
I am happy to give you the # to 1-800-WAAAAHHH that flowmom gave me for my H. wink The nerve of them complaining to us! I will never understand that.

You WILL go through the stages. And as you detach (lose your spouse goggles?) you will see your spouse for what they are right now.
Originally Posted by rockedworld
My H's behavior this past weekend created a turning point for me I think. It was just so unbelievably selfish and pathetic. I had been really grieving prior to that, and still have my sad moments. But, now... I almost feel repulsed when I look at him. Hard to imagine.... this man I loved so deeply and was so attracted to for over twenty years. And now, .... well, ugh!
Originally Posted by ImprovedRomeo
This is the feeling that catapults you out of the grief and mourning phase. You get to this phase when you are ready to see and accept what's in front of you and not what you thought you had in front of you.

Remember ...
Originally Posted by rockedworld
Hey Romeo... it's called Eau d' Je suis vaut la peine wink
Originally Posted by rockedworld
In case anyone is wondering... that means Essence of I am worth it! That is my attitude these days. smile

Why does it always seem to occur around 20 years together? Is there something about the human condition that makes 20 years the hump to get over?
Originally Posted by rockedworld
Next week is our 20th wedding anniversary.

Today I am sad. frown

I'm facing this now. I just don't know. Just packed things away for now...
Originally Posted by rockedworld
What have others done with wedding photos/mementos? I find this is one of the hardest things to deal with.
Originally Posted by Susan1Survivor
I worked 6 hours going through everything H had given me-keepsakes, stuffed animals, cards, love letters, the whole 9 yards as it is said. I tossed most everything out. The more beautiful love letters and cards, I placed in a box along with our wedding album and put it in H's home office. When he arrived back home, he saw the box and said "are there things in there you want me to have". I said yes, nothing more.

I felt okay about it all. I cried, got mad, cried some more when I went through everything as I don't want a D. I did feel somewhat "cleansed" of my pain after I tossed out the memorabilia. The pictures of H and I together were the hardest to deal with, these went into the round file too.......
Originally Posted by rockedworld
I think that I need to just put all of that stuff in a box and store it away for now. I am not ready to go through it all and I feel it would set me back in my progress right now. Some day I will. Just not now. And that's OK.
Originally Posted by avermont
I put all our albums in a bin, and stuck it in the garage. I think I labeled it "open upon my death"

It's there, should I ever want to look at it. If 20 years go by and I haven't opened it, I will just chuck it.

We often feel like we have to be taking action, doing something, setting things final ... Though we don't have to. Be stable and comfortable in limbo or other.
Originally Posted by Deep
Still, don't feel pressured to slam shut any doors that you don't have to. You don't have to walk through them, take your time.

This concept is connected to the poem I copied from others before -
“Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?”
-Lao tzu


Understand you can only control and work on YOU. Do the right thing. Know your values and boundaries. Own your part. Be able to sleep at night because you know it. WAS and OM/OW? That is on them.
Originally Posted by FaithnAK
We are DB'ing, not promoting Divorce, but UNTIL the interlopers are out of the picture and our Spouses focus on themselves, we really can't do much else.

But I can sleep at night. Sinclair, I want you to be able to look in the mirror and KNOW you did the right thing and can sleep at night too.
Originally Posted by Truegritter
In the end your self respect is resident in you.

And IS defined by YOUR actions and choices.

When we come here we don't see that right away. It is a process to get there.
...
Your values and your integrity. You can never go wrong when you do that because it is not dependent on the action or reaction of another person.

All the boundaries in the world will not restore that in yourself.

So choose your boundaries wisely and for YOU. And make sure you are prepared to make consequences for them and that they align with YOUR goals.

Originally Posted by Truegritter
Originally Posted by TimeHeals
Originally Posted by Truegritter
In the end your self respect is resident in you.

Umm yeah, but I have yet to meet a person with healthy self-esteem that doesn't have healthy boundaries.

And I've seen a lot of marriages get into trouble because both spouses didn't have healthy boundaries.

Time makes a good point Sinclair and one I should clarify.

I am not condoning bad behavior. What I am saying is that your boundaries are for you. To protect you.

Not to control someone's behavior or have an expectation that it will do anything but protect you from the bad behavior.

I am also saying that what your W chooses to do despite your boundary should not have a bearing on your self respect.

For instance she can choose to ignore your boundary. Does that mean she doesn't respect you? Maybe. Maybe she feels like she's being controled? Maybe because it's Tuesday.

If anyone here can give you the answer to that then have them give you the winning lottery numbers too.

Don't tie your W's choices to YOUR self respect.

The operative word is healthy. Healthy for you.


g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
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Good Morning g

Originally Posted by grok
Originally Posted by DnJ
A soft ice cream maker! Cool!

Well, not quite! LOL

lol. I see I added “cream”. Hahaha. I must have been excited.

Yes, I understand the soft ice maker. Still very cool!

Originally Posted by grok
Why does it always seem to occur around 20 years together? Is there something about the human condition that makes 20 years the hump to get over?

There is usually/typically the next stage of life around then. Both partners are advancing and changing, and need to rekindle and reconnect as these “new” people emerge. Unfortunately things can go off the rails. Especially if both people wan at the same time.

From couples that remained married and in love for 50, 60, and beyond years, they often point out a one interesting reason among the others: We both didn’t fall out of love at the same time. Everything waxes and wanes.

Personally, I also find modern society quick to jump upon feelings rather than follow beliefs. It is normal during life’s various transitions for feelings to stir and such. Decisions based upon emotion lead to regret. Hold course or make regrettable decisions, IMHO.

Originally Posted by grok
We often feel like we have to be taking action, doing something, setting things final ... Though we don't have to. Be stable and comfortable in limbo or other.

Amen. Absolutely.

Let those feelings flit.

Embrace limbo.

Hope you have a wonderful day g.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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evening snippet

torn and loose ends

I was making medical appointments with D19 today as she is still scared of Drs. Eye, ENT, Labs, Orthodontist, Dentist. XW used to do ALL of these with the kids as they were during work day hours. Things lost and late. running running

D19, "Dad, we have to do the Ortho real quick. I've about run out of all the retainers they gave me. ... They have to sign off so the Dentist can put in the other stuff."

I look at her for a moment thinking about how long that would be. I ask, "D19, was that about two years worth?"

She says with lots of sarcasm, "Yes Dad, that was when EVERYTHING was dropped."

Oh.

I'm ... still finding and picking up loose ends left ... with my children, with the home, ... and me.

"OK D19. .... ..... I'm .... a lot was .... your mother ... ... I'm ... still trying to do all the things."

small aftershock

emotions cycle

g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
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I just responded to your thoughts on my thread and as I re-read your comments from 1/15, I realize how similar our paths are. Roughly 20 years. Listening. Cycling. Drinking as many STFU smoothies as we can.

Originally Posted by G
She says with lots of sarcasm, "Yes Dad, that was when EVERYTHING was dropped."

Gotta love kids of all ages. On one front, kids are our saving grace. On another, such a fulltime job. They certainly speak their mind. I laughed when I read this comment. I can hear my D saying this to me and there would be an eyeroll with her delivery. Perhaps hands being lowered and smacking her thighs in frustration as she stomped out of the room with a SMH.

I remember my S telling me a month after BD to stop playing victim. In hindsight, he was the wise one.

They aren't shy with snarky comments. They feel safe telling us their thoughts. Consider it a compliment.

You're doing great, G.


H:49 W:49
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BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD)
BD2: Sept 2023
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Originally Posted by MamaG
Gotta love kids of all ages. On one front, kids are our saving grace. On another, such a fulltime job. They certainly speak their mind. I laughed when I read this comment. I can hear my D saying this to me and there would be an eyeroll with her delivery. Perhaps hands being lowered and smacking her thighs in frustration as she stomped out of the room with a SMH.

Yeah, similar here.

Though in this context I believe D19 was talking mostly about XW. This and the other things we had been talking about were all XW's responsibilities during our marriage.

children's perspectives
Perhaps it is just my perspective as the duties I had always done, I continued, and the things WERE XW's duties got mostly dropped. ... well, I am slow to realize sometimes that they were dropped, and I have to pick them up. From MY perspective it is clear.

From a child's perspective it might look different: Parents have always done X, Y, Z, 1, 2, and 3 for us children. We children do not have the direct knowledge of how Dad (X, Y, and Z) and Mom (1, 2, and 3) divided up the household responsibilities. Now Dad is here and Mom is over there and only X, Y, and Z are getting done. Dad, why is everything, i.e.1, 2, and 3, dropped?

I started to say something about XW dropping all the things ... Then bit my tongue. Put the wall back in place. My children are not to be vented to about XW. They are certainly not dumb. They will perceive and trust based on my ACTIONS. Often repeated here, stop talking and DO.

I validated many things were dropped and it is a problem.

I told her I'm doing my best to pick up and track all the things.

children -> adulting
I have been thinking about how to get D19 and D17 to pick up more of "all the things," i.e. "adulting" ... I was messaging with my old friend (the previously described best man) about some of this. He has older children now too. He expressed how he and his W have been asking their children to step up and take on more duties in the household. For older teens and up it is time to take on the responsibilities. Perhaps lay it on D19 that it is time to take on more things as her own responsibility. BEFORE she heads out on her own sometime.

g


H:55 XW:50
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ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
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AAR quicklook

grok is processing processing

... a bit of a low level surge of emotions and chemicals churning in the bloodstream

XW tells S13 more

XW stopped by, bringing S13 back home after a few hours out this morning. She then came upstairs to the MB where I am teleworking today at my desk. She shuts the door and says she needs to talk to me. I'm sitting at my desk. She is standing. I don't get up.

She says she HAD to tell S13 more about "the situation." Such an obfuscating word.

- He was noticing things
- Stuff disappearing, stolen, and being followed
- Like that corrupt county we used to live in
- I had to tell him something
- I'm a straight shooter
- Septic system at her RV and now at her rented biz place both having issues because sabotage
- They take stuff out of her car
- Amazon packages are stolen
- Surprised she still has a car
- D19 and D17 think I'm crazy but it's happening and S13 is noticing without me prompting
- THEY are even disconnecting the 3D printer and connecting it elsewhere!!

poker face G, "OK ... that sounds hard"

XW starts to walk out, "You're condescending. You need to work on that. I know you know more than you are letting on."

Some expression G, "I'm ... sorry you feel that way"

XW pauses and looks, "I know. I can see it on you."

poker face G, gently, "I'm listening. What is it you wanted to tell me?"

- Rambling about things she is trying to do that she wanted even before we were married
- Do you have concerns about homeschooling him
- I'll agree to put him in a school if he wants to go but he doesn't
- You have to tell me these things

poker face G, "I ... don't have a problem with homeschooling. I watch and observe and see. I will do what is right for me and my children. If he needs to go to a school I WILL talk with you."

XW emotionally, "With these cameras in/on the house everyone is recording and watching me. "

G pauses, softer face, "NO. I did not put these cameras here to watch you. "

XW emotionally, "Well if you aren't, THEY are. Through the cameras. But THEY won't do anything to the kids. And I know you will protect them. I want the kids to be safe. This is not their problem. "The situation." "

poker face G, "YES. I WILL keep them safe."

XW, wet eyes, "I'm NOT COMING BACK. I know that is what THEY want. LINES were CROSSED in our marriage. The kids have to be kept out of it."

XW exits straight out.

I'm not sure what lines were crossed that she is referring to. Right now, she feels strongly that I crossed some lines and hurt her too badly. It IS an illustration of the push/pull concepts discussed as part of DB. She quite clearly feels like THEY are pushing her. So. She resists. "I won't be told what to do or feel"

I don't think I've done ANY R talk since fall of 2023. I'm not sure why coming back was inserted. This version of her is not attractive to me. I've just left it at "The future is unwritten" while pressing on with MY life.

***BREAK - D19***

1 hour later D19 comes zooming home at ~late lunch time. It's a little unusual so I go downstairs to see. D19 is standing at the bottom of the stairs with a **LOOK** on her face. I motion for her to follow me back up to the MB and shut the door.

G with a hug, "OK ... what's going on?"

D19, with tears, "SHE TOLD HIM!!! He's 13!!! She shouldn't have done that. He DOESN"T. NEED. TO. KNOW. AT. 13. ... D17 texted me AT WORK and CONFUSED ME. You have to talk to him. Take him out for ice cream or something. He's going to bottle it all up otherwise. AND he believes everything she says about all this!!! Because it's HER. Is she crazy? Other people's packages were getting stolen too. And my wifi behaves wonky sometimes too. That's just life."

G, wet eyes, gently, holds out his hand, showing her, it is shaking a little bit, "I ... know D19. She said ... many ... things to me over the last two years. I don't know how much is true or not. I had to learn to not focus on that and spend my energy on making sure you and D17 and S13 have a safe HOME here. We only control ourselves, not her. We do not control what she says or doesn't say. S13 may believe her or not. We can only show him how we behave."

D19, "But it's not right. And she things everyone is spying on her. It's not true!"

G, "D19, I did not put up cameras to "spy" on her or you. Because I'm now alone as a parent here I believed I needed to know who is coming and going around and in my home. I wanted to make sure my kids are safe and secure."

D19, "Yeah, well, this is not the best area of the town. We probably should have had some cameras years ago...."

D19 zooms back to work.

g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
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grok,

Your post are so captivating. You articulate the hell you are going through so well. When you write about the bike rides, the ice cream trips and even the crazy that you deal with, I feel like I have read a chapter from a Nicholas Sparks book. Your kids are so blessed to have you. You are a great dad. Keep up the good work.

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Grok

You handled that perfectly. I’m still processing her coming into the MB and shutting the door . They have no boundaries .

She doesn’t live there so no say in the cameras . I don’t even know what she would be worried about . She’s there with the kids , who cares there’s cameras .

Wife telling your 13 year old more than they need to know is their way of alleviating guilt .

Just keep loving on those kids .

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Thanks Caligirl.

It is good to have some feedback on how I handle things. It is always hard to see from the inside. And I try to tell it straight as it happens. Though I pick which events I tell because they hit me somehow as ... more ... I don't know if that distorts my story some.

Originally Posted by Caligirl
You handled that perfectly. I’m still processing her coming into the MB and shutting the door . They have no boundaries .

She has not done this often. Just when something is bothering her enough to push past her normal bounds. It FEELS like she stays away from being in the home many times... *reasons* I try to stay away from trying to figure anything out.

I did legally agree to give her house access during work hours week days and if I am on business travel. Deliberate on my part to have the kids stay in ONE home. To give her assurances I was not and would not "take the kids away from her." She had expressed some sort of fears she could be attacked in the courts as a bad mom. Not for her sake, but so she didn't feel desperate to split the kids days with me and days with her.

Today is an example of staying away. She could stay there today and tonight. I'm in San Diego now and return on Friday. I checked the camera (garage/doorbell) alerts. She came by the house twice. Just over an hour in the morning (removing more of her stuff?) and 15 minutes in the afternoon (to take D17 to gym?). With D19 herding a bit they did their chores and put themselves to bed this evening.

Originally Posted by Caligirl
She doesn’t live there so no say in the cameras . I don’t even know what she would be worried about . She’s there with the kids , who cares there’s cameras .

Yeah, I don't know. I think it is a fear connected to OM and friends. She thinks they can tap into city/county/other cameras and spy on her everywhere. Apparently OMs family is a BIG THING in this county and has connections that do favors for them. And I certainly have better things to do with my time than spy through cameras. Scrolling through the alerts took two minutes to understand the flow of the day ... who came and went.

Originally Posted by Caligirl
Wife telling your 13 year old more than they need to know is their way of alleviating guilt .

Hmmmm... hadn't thought of it that way.

Originally Posted by Caligirl
Just keep loving on those kids .

Always. Keeping Faith.

Taller - Ethan C. Davis & Isla Vista Worship

[Verse 1]
I’m doing alright, I'm breathin' deep
I'm feeling taller than before
And I'm sure glad I let You in
The day You showed up at my door
The air is clear, I'm breathin' deep
I couldn't ask for too much more
'Cause when a friend is what I needed
You came running with support


[Bridge]
You got me feelin' so much younger
Livin' like it's always summer
With You I get a sense of comfort like nothing else
I'm seeing everything in color
There's beauty even in the suburbs
With You I get a sense of wonder like nothing else (Wonder like nothing…)


[Chorus]
I’m surprised, to say for sure
I love You more than I did before
And all I thought I wanted's in Your eyes
You heal my broken heart
You're making me a work of art
I feel my spirit risin' like the tides


It got late after travel. A post filling in the rest of the last 4 weeks tomorrow.

g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
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D17 => D18 Yesterday! We did our celebration last Friday…before she left for a gymnastics meet over the weekend and I left on work travel n Monday.


”Don’t wish it were easier. Wish you were better. “
Rollo Tomassi -The Rational Male-


…things further remembered from that last talk by XW

You are a GOOD man. I told the kids that. Not that I talk about you to them. I don’t.

People that know me all think this is so out of character for me. But ….. “reasons”

I know you take a while to process so I don’t need answers right now but ….

I’ve been praying for ….



XW dealings notes - Holidays through the last “talk.”

Through the holidays, XW was substantially absent except for taking the kids a few times on activities with her parents. Though still coming over most evenings for “goodnight” for 5 or 10 minutes in her car.

The grandparents gifted the kids and her with FL season tickets to Universal Studios theme parks this year. When the kids were young, they would gift our family with season Disney tickets. XW did take S13 and D17 for a half day so far. The kids are asking me to get a pass myself so they can go with me. I think I should, though budget is a concern.

On New Year’s Day, XW announced in one go in the group chat (all 5 of us) that:

- She would be picking up S13 at 9am each week day, other than the co-op school day.
- She would be keeping his school books with her
- D17 can come and go mostly when she wants
- She will be about 10 minutes away
- S13 will be returned when she picks up or drops off D17 for gymnastics
- The shop is at address *******
- She will be staying in the RV for personal reasons
- Co-op school payments are due
- Does she have my permission to take S13 to a dental procedure?
- Then it will be time for his braces
- D17 will have a college dual enrollment bill

G, ”Yes, sounds like a good plan for school and teeth. I will have S13 ready to go at 9am. I will pay the school bills.”

In the following days in the group chat (most of the messages are sendtwhile I’m at work and do not have access to my phone so D19 responds)-

XW - D17 or Dad will have to take you to this gymnastics meet (with a picture of a schedule, no other context)
D19 - Dad and I will work it out

XW - I will be taking things set aside for me in the house to my rental space (small industrial space she apparently rented for her craft business…more than half the garage and a 5x5 foot space in the house are stacked with her stuff she abandoned)

XW - I’m busy on Tuesday nights and someone else has to pick up D17
D19 - We will get her

XW - D17 and I need a hotel in **** on **** for her gymnastics meet. I am ok paying if you are uncomfortable.
G - Check your email to make sure the details are correct.
(I use points accumulated from business travel to pay for hotels needed for gymnastics meets. I’m looking at is as I’m paying for D17’s stay. It’s the same no matter who accompanies her. It turned out her coach drove her to the meet. She stayed with the coach the first night. XW drove up the next day and stayed overnight. XW was busy with her business plans.)

XW - sends videos of each event. D17 won 1st place in all around in her level!
G - Celebration and trophy emojis.

A few direct messages had to do with money. Alimony, payment of school items and medical things. I have used a simple reply referencing our legal settlement. Keeping it to business.
G, ”As agreed. Payment for ****”

preparing for this week

I had been prepping for work travel this week. I'll be gone four nights. I let XW know. No expectations. I set up the kids to handle it by themselves.

Saturday morning I went shopping with D19 after taking her to get bloodwork done at a lab. (oh, that's another story as she begins to assume responsibility for her own adult medical care…). Despite helping with a lot of things Mom used to do, she is still a child. ”Daaaaad, you have to come with me. Dr.s are SCARY!!”. She decided it would help us all if she did more meal planning and asked me to buy a set of planned meal containers. OK! We spent Sunday afternoon cooking meals for the week.

G, ”D19, you mother may stay here while I’m gone. It’s up to her. As part of our signed agreement, she can stay here when I am traveling for work.”
D19 pauses and thinks, ”That’s fine. D17 and S13 do whatever they want when she is here though. She tries to keep to your rules, she does, but those two do stuff and she doesn’t stop them.”
G, thinking, do not accuse or put XW down, ”I know D19. We can only control our own choices. I will call and talk to them each day. Your mother … She …. has made choices and behaves …. very different than …. *sigh* … many … years before.”
D19, with bitter sarcasm, ”Ya Think!?”
O! G stops talking.

It FEELS like XW mostly stopped parenting two+ years ago.

Some time back, D19 had several confrontations with XW. As told by D19, D19 would get things done with her siblings and direct them even with her mom present ... and then XW told her later to stop undercutting her authority as Mom. ”I am still their mother you know.”. D19 came to me later distressed ... "I have to do these things because Mom sure isn't doing them anymore. She just lets everything go.”

So … how’d I do?

g

The Lost Ones - Florrie

We are flawed and we're afraid
Of a past that we couldn't change
And the dreams that we didn't chase
Have been and gone
And all this weight is put on us
Expectations we couldn't touch
When the best wasn't good enough
We kept moving on, mm-mm

And all the nights that you felt alone
With the people you didn't know
And the places you didn't go faded so fast
You're escaping the memories
And making peace with the enemy
'Cause you know right where you wanna be

We're the lost ones, yeah, it's a jungle, yeah
Our thorns are buried deep, but we see beauty in our dreams
And we're broken, yeah, but we're hopeful, yeah
To find our remedy, we see beauty in our dreams

Last edited by grok; 01/29/25 02:10 PM.

H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
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Grok

I have to say sometimes I just crack up at you . The fact she thinks you got time to spy on her looking through the cameras all day . My H awhile back said he was scared I was going to follow him and plant a recorder in his car . My response everyone still laughs at . I said “ you think I’m going to waste my energy doing all that . I’ll hire someone to follow your girlfriend , not you and call it a night “. When I say my friends still crack up about me saying I’ll follow your girlfriend . They really do . Ain’t no one got time for your nonsense . Work smarter not harder .

The guilt they ensue on people . Just awful . He called so many people for sympathy even tried to get in the older kids ears . The bad wife spew . The hes just not marriage material. Very few even believed his non sense . Gig was up . They saw years of his chaos .

Hang in there . I needed the camera laugh today .

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I can so relate. W blew up at me and told me she was going to call the cops thinking i put a tracker on our car she was driving.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
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grok Offline OP
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Well Caligirl, Rock,

Maybe she's thinking of it because - I've alluded to it here a bit, it's not a secret, I just don't talk about it publicly much ... my technical day job is in departments with these words in the titles: reconnaissance, surveillance, tagging, tracking, etc.... I know a good bit about the equipment.

If I really wanted to ... she'd never know unless I wanted her to know. Like you said though.... after thinking about it ... I decided that is a LOT of work for really no purpose. I know how much effort it would take. I know that level of snooping wouldn't get me any closer to what I want.

That said, I was somewhat darkly amused that the fear of cameras might cause better behavior from her in my home. She once quipped something about she wasn't going to steal anything from the home. I drank my STFU smoothie and thought, I wouldn't have left you with a key to the house if I was afraid of that.

g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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Back from my week in San Diego. Good people. Good food on per diem allowance. Good work accomplished. Pleas from kids to hurry up and be home.

Out right now taking D18 dress shopping for graduation pictures. I have to say, Francesca’s is a great little store for tasteful female style.

Well… on the doorbell camera alerts last week I did see one thumbnail that looked like XW carrying a full laundry basket. I just paid it no mind and figured I did agree she could stay overnight there with the kids if I’m traveling. She didn’t stay but about an hour each day I think. Just before coming shopping with D18 I emptied the dryer… it was a load of XW’s clothes.

What was Caligirl saying about they don’t have boundaries? LOL

g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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Posts: 193
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grok Offline OP
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I think D18 and I did pretty good. Just for fun, since we can't post pictures -

Search Macy's: 797130204117
Search Tractor Supply: Justin Women's Starlina Tan
Some earrings from Claire's

She wanted to wear "cowboy boot" style footwear. As she is blond and fair skinned ... I cautioned her about being too washed out looking. So she adding a wide matching brown belt to the white dress so she doesn't look too pale.

D18, "Dad, lets go to Tractor Supply to look for boots."

D18, "Dad, I'll pay half for these boots since they are expensive. And these boots I can wear as shoes anytime."

Smart girl.

g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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R
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That is special no doubt


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
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Posts: 193
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grok Offline OP
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an LBS … emotional journey

Despair Shock Eden has turned to ashes. WAS, why are you not with me through it all? Is that not the covenant we joined?

Ashes of Eden - Breaking Benjamin

Is there anybody calling?
I can see the soul within
And I am not worthy
I am not worthy of this

Are you with me after all?
Why can't I hear you?
Are you with me through it all?
Then why can't I feel you?


Bargaining If I blame myself…If I remain committed …

Evacuation - Greg Puciato

Don't you and I belong?
Oh, where did I go wrong?
Don't you and I belong?
Oh, where did I go wrong?

Not gonna just leave

How could it all be?


Grief In the end, everything you try … doesn’t work. It didn’t even matter.

In The End - Mellen Gi Remix (Tommy Profitt)

It's so unreal
You didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Tryin' to hold on, they didn't even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory
Of a time when I tried so hard

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter


Acceptance Who they were doesn’t exist right now. The current me is death. I want to be in the light again.

Blackwater Remastered 2003 - Rain Tree Crow - Everything and Nothing

I see no sign
I see no place I've loved
Depending on the signs
To find the road

Blackwater take me with you
To the place that I have spoken
Come lead me through the darkness
To the light that I long to see again


Emptiness Emotional exhaustion. You are empty. Worn down to a nub left.

Highway Anxiety - William Tyler

Instrumental

Calm Decision point. Eventually, YOU become the WAS.

The Message - Still Corners

Driving 'til dawn
Call you from the station
Leaving you a message
That I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone

Gone
I'm gone
I'm gone


Contemplative Your soul wanders. What does this mean? Who are you? Where now?.

Wandering Souls - Robbie Robertson

Instrumental

Spirituality. The S in PIES. Re-centering your spiritual self. Looking for relief from a higher power.

Running - Land of Color

I can hear you calling me
Come my child and sit down at my feet

Why am I running
From the one I need the most
I keep running, running
It's just like me to fall back in my ways
Tryin' to find love in all of the wrong the places
But it's not easy to see

I can hear you calling me
Come my child and sit down at my feet


Numb Anger profound Disappointment You cycle back though stages again. This is not linear. It hits you all over again.

Red Cold River - Breaking Benjamin

I can't feel anything at all
This life has left me cold and damned
I can't feel anything at all
This love has led me to the end

Try to find a reason to live

Run, run, run
Red cold river


On Edge Of your old world. You are at the edge of the world (that was). Time to step up and out. For …

Edge of the World - Karma Fields

Instrumental

Centered Fight for ME. MY values. MY goals. To be the BEST ME. For MY reasons.

For Me - Karma Fields

Fight for me
Fight for me

Fight for me
Fight for me
Me


g

( This was pretty close to what Spotify randomly played for me
- Audio me says - best played at volume with a full range (including subwoofer) system -
Spotify 17XqKU4xRkh2VysA9Voj4Z?si=2eb6fc14fbca4688 )

Coda

Making the weeks food with D19 and Spotify on random. She recognizes “In the End” by the first few notes. She knows the lyrics. She looks at my face.

D19, ”Dad, that’s not the vibe music I said to play. I’m taking playlist control. You are not allowed.”

A couple hours later on.

D18, chattering, listening to one of the songs, ”Have you ever been so sad you can’t breathe?”

I pause.

G, ”yes… D18“

D19, ”no D18, we’re not talking about that.”


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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