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Thanks guys

Time away from the kids does me no good at all . Causes me quite a bit of anxiety along with them asking when I’ll be home every hour or so . I do a hybrid job . It’s on ongoing joke when I have to go out for meetings . Within 5 mins of anyone being home they start . Where are you ? How long are you going to be ? I miss you . They are only small for just so long . I embrace it more than steer away from it . They for a very long time only had one truly consistent parent so maybe I am just a bit more understanding of it . “We” as in surprisingly both of us planned some things to do with the kids overnight in January . The man who begrudgingly told everyone how I spent all his money on vacations now actively has planned 3 different things in the upcoming 6 months . One is a 5 day with just me and him . I will mentally prepare the children prior . Just to chime in on vacations if anyone needs a laugh today ,his parents brought it up to me after A was dropped . How I travel and spend so much money doing it . I said I travel with our children . I invest in their childhood memories .I could have went and got a side piece like your son and blown thousands on hotels but instead I ignored his non sense and spent time with “our” children while he bedded another woman . I will say his mother cracked up and said travel as much as you want 😀. His father dropped the topic as fast as he said it . Talk about a truth dart .

This entire process is just work . I’m getting older and tired of working at something that causes me utter pain . I used to have mounds of forgiveness and positive outlooks on marriage . I know part of DB is finding the best version of yourself . I still have mounds of forgiveness and positive outlooks just not with him currently.

Just like you said grok . Commitment . I have strong values on this . I’m still here . The intrusive thoughts used to be more of that sharp pain . Now they seem to be more I look at him and see someone pitiful. One thing that keeps me a bit grounded is I can see just how wrecked he is by what he has caused . Arrogance has been gone for awhile now .I can see guilt and his ambition to make his wife his priority along with his children . I do have that soft spot . I could not imagine if the shoes were reversed coming home and looking at someone I emotionally destroyed . That would eat me alive . I do sometimes think about that . What he must be going through. Is he as solid as he appears .

I think about getting to that point of peace with him . If I make it through this . I have done counseling on a few occasions with him and without him . This round I have some very supportive friends who are just rock solid. Keep me from running far far away !

The one thing mainly I’m noticing is I am struggling still just to talk . I don’t cry often . But last night I laid in bed with tears just running down my face . H didn’t see and still doesn’t know . It was pitch black . At some point he grabbed my hand and felt me squeeze it back . H just said..I’m here. I have this awful habit of not wanting to hurt anyone or bother them . I thought it’s late he has work early not the time . I’ll just cry in silence . This is something I need to work on . It’s not that he won’t listen . I just can’t get it out to even say anything . I remember valseka when I first posted telling me to put my oxygen mask on first and breathe. I still think about that post often .

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Caligirl,

I wish that I could be there to give you a hug.

Definitely put the oxygen mask on first. You have been to "go to" person for a long time and have been super strong for your children. They are still young and don't understand what you have been through and are still going through.

Maybe I missed something along the way, but have you thought about putting down in writing how you feel? Sometimes, I would be so out of it, that pen and paper helped me get my thoughts together. You don't have to share them with him unless you want to.

We are always here for you. We do understand what you are going through. Again, I wish that I could give you a hug.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. Take it one day at a time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I could try writing . Just to organize. I’m in school for my doctorate and I dread writing . No idea how I even survived last semester and did very well . I’m very much enjoying the few week break . I refuse to give up on higher education for myself and continue to grow . It’s also nice having more financial stability if things go way south again . I never have to worry about supporting my children again . There’s so much that when you first post in the initial shock you don’t talk about . When are children were younger I stayed home to raise them . It was hard but I would never change it . It also plays a huge role in why the children are very attached . It was just me and them . All day everyday . H also was not very supportive. Almost to the point of abusive when it came to money and he felt entailment to doing what he wanted when he wanted. Not always but many times over the years I was the reason to blame for everything when it came to finances. He has apologized numerous times for mistakes when the children were younger but I saw some of that come to light again when A was dropped . Hence his parents talking about how I spend money . In my opinion it’s none of their business . Also in A partners letter it was mentioned several times .

Some of the things that run through my head and hurt are not even the physical aspects of the A. Last year for my birthday I saw this picture I really liked for the bedroom . Was a little more than I wanted to pay . I causally talked to H about it . Nothing crazy just ehhh it would look nice bla bla bla . On my birthday which I will say is usually a disaster . H consistently has ruined it for years . I walked downstairs and the picture was there . I was kinda taken back and second guessed myself . Was I going nuts thinking he’s cheating ? Maybe I was overthinking and he just really wanted to go out more with the guys . Maybe he’s been stressed . I felt so damn guilty looking at that picture . He listened to me . Maybe I’m the problem . Insert nausea the picture he bought was all in the A partners letter to me !!! In the letter it said about how I wanted it . When he bought it . Why he bought to shut me up for a few weeks and act like he cares so he can keep plotting to move out . The picture was thrown out months later in front of him when the letter came . The blank spot now on the wall he looks at often . His fault not mine . I’ll buy a picture one day while I’m out and about .

I won’t even begin to touch on the things in that letter that addressed what a bad parent I am . Because those are just unforgivable at the moment . When I read those to my father he legit spit out his coffee .

I know part of A are breaking down the other spouse to alleviate guilt but these were some serious doozies.

I try not to compare with other situations but another member posted an email he received from his wife who is asking for a divorce . Now granted she may be in a full blown A so I do know not to look so hard at it but it really spoke to me . I was and have not had an A and if I would have wrote an email to my H 6 months ago I could have cut copied and pasted that email almost identical. It made me really think about why am I still here . But my response was simple it’s a lot of work this will take considerable effort . When I look at H he is giving considerable effort so I’ll hang tight for now .

On a lighter note . I have so much vacation time I have to use up that I have a few days off and I’ll roll the rest for next year . I got loads of Christmas gifts already wrapped . H loves it . He has been active in helping which is a nice change . He really is enjoying Christmas time . Super excited to see some of my family that’s flying in and of course having all the kids together . Anxiously awaiting to kissing my nieces and nephews and of course my parents who I adore .

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Enjoy your time off. Sounds like you are going to have a pleasant holiday with family and friends. Enjoy it! Live in the moment. Put the past in a box and up on a shelf for a while.

Merry Christmas and may the New Year be a far better one for you and your family.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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job #2950844 12/27/24 03:02 PM
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Christmas success

What a fun few days I had traveling all over . Lots of love for my kids and we gave lots of love to our huge family . Was so nice just seeing all the cousins together . The younger children are enjoying the new gagets and continuing to make a mess but tis the season . Post Christmas clean up continues .

I spent Christmas Eve with the parents and my siblings . I took a bit of a different path this year and decided to not make solid plans with H . He kept asking I just didn’t commit . We both have family in our area and it’s usually hurry through and get to both families . Feels rushed . I hate it .. I decided to live in the uncomfortable and do what was best for me . Maybe an hour before we were due to leave I suggested H gather whatever children want to go with him to his families first but I would only be going to my parents . This was not mean , even though as I’m writing it seems it . Majority of the kids chose to come with me . Few older ones went with him . I explained I did not want him to rush through his family to see mine . H saw his family and appreciated not feeling rushed to leave to make dinner with mine . H arrived later on at my families in a much better mood than years prior , HAPPY ! I had to chuckle because my family asked multiple times when he was coming . I finally blurted out you all seem more worried about H being here than I am . I hadn’t even looked at my phone for hours . When I did I had a message ,on my way . No need to respond he was on his way . It worked out way better , I was happy and H was happy . Though one of the older kids regretted going with dad instead of me . My family has the better food and presents hands down . The little one even told me as she says “on the secret” she picked my parents because she didn’t want to be late for presents . Just so darn cute , the littlest one .

I learned from Christmas that even in marriage you don’t have to do everything together . We still had our time alone with our children opening gifts . We still took them alone out to dinner on Christmas Day just us . It may have appeared to others we do things separately but it’s what works best for us .

The biggest shift with this holiday is the how H has been . Usually not as involved or annoyed . This year I noticed he was very involved . Even just carrying stuff in . Helping me organize . But mainly just taking it all in . We were alone on Christmas after kids went to bed just finally alone . H said I used to fear the day there would be no kids , just alone . It took me a long time to come to a place of knowing that my wife and children will always be here , I’m not alone, I have a great family . We did have a good laugh because he said I now fear the days of when we have grandkids because I thought you spoil our kids but I can only imagine what is to come .

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I'm smiling as I read through your update. I love that you're comfortable putting your self first. You're deciding based on what you want and not concerned with others thoughts/opinions. Compromising may be necessary in marriage, but not every scenario warrants a compromise. I hear that in your update. You give me something to strive towards, as I know this direction/advice is shared here often.

You are reaping what you sowed. Happy for you!


H:49 W:49
M:26; T:32
D21; S23
BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD)
BD2: Sept 2023
Moved out: Dec 2023
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Thanks for popping in 😀.

I did as I say poke the bear beginning of last week . Still struggling with gaining trust with H . Trying to be patient . I know it’s going to take time . It may take more time than I originally thought or it may never come . Slowly coming to terms with letting go little bits at a time .

When it comes to poking the bear . I told H I’m not living with not communicating things or thoughts that I am having . He’s been asking for me to talk more so I did .

Me : why should I begin to trust you now . You have at times been a very good liar but also many times were sloppy with covering up the muck you have run

H: honey I have been running for a lot longer than I think you have realized it’s been a solid 4-5 years of this . I tried at times . I failed at times . I am just done with living like that .

Me: unblock me on everything (he over the last few years has blocked me on everything, social media , texting apps , group chats , accounts ,emails)

H: opens his phone and unblocks everything

Me : As he’s unblocking me I see another woman’s name . It’s not the A partner .

H: catches on to this . Immediately says oh that’s so and so’s friend - she posts alot and it’s annoying

Me: I don’t say anything

I know this name . About 11 years ago we were at a friends wedding he was in . H came out at the reception completely trashed all over this girl . It was so bad his friends pulled him off dance floor and said to him what is wrong with you . Your wife is here . This has been brought up by myself multiple times over the years . I was utterly embarrassed. I was a stay at home parent and had little options to leave . But the tides have changed .

Do I poke this bear ??? Because let me just say I have openly told him numerous times . I know there’s more women and he will never tell me because he’s scared that I will leave him flat on his behind .

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Hey Cali. If you have standards for restoring trust, 100% transparency (like unblocking on social media, access to his cell phone at any time, etc.), and/or a boundary about any future evidence of affairs (and usually the boundary seems to be "no more affairs or I walk") then I would further explore this issue. Otherwise, the standards and boundaries aren't meaningful. He feels no consequence from breaking it or avoiding it, especially since it sounds like you've given him more than enough room to come 100% clean so that the two of you can move forward, if possible.

MWD has a newer book on healing from infidelity. John Gottman has a chapter on it in "Making Love Last" so it might be helpful to read up on what their research has found to be effective practices for navigating affairs and restoring trust. To me, this is also hard work without a MC involved. And, partners may make mistakes (like you suggest about him being potentially afraid to tell you) because their judgment about how to make a relationship work needs rebuilding.

Stay strong!

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Thanks Mr P

You are correct he has had plenty of room to come clean. I will figure out how to buy the book . He now has access to the Amazon account ! Sometimes full access backfires. The boundary of no more cheating has been clearly laid out . It’s not even I will walk , it’s you will be walked out never to return and I will go NC with a parenting app only . I went so far as to tell him he wouldn’t even be allowed in the home to use the bathroom . If I even get a sniff of something not being right , he knows the deal . Few months before the BD from his A partner we had a lengthy conversation . I stated I knew he had been cheating for years and I chose to keep my mouth shut . He was warned if it was brought to me the fallout would not be pretty . He confided this in a friend who was also involved in an A about this conversation. Birds of a feather I must say . Two cheaters talking about what their spouses say . Then telling the affair partners . Just stupid . The affair partners of my H and his friend were friends . Hence how I ended up getting the BD. Almost like the old school telephone game how this information spread . H has also come clean and stated he was threatened numerous times that they were going to contact me . Ultimately now that H is talking more this pretty much sums up how the A ended and how self destructive it was . H started shifting towards this solid person (me ) and away from all the chaos .

H is also still doing IC. I think from what I’m gathering is the IC right now is focusing on him and has not suggested MC yet . From what I’m gathering there is some deep rooted things that go back to his childhood and even his late teen years that need to be addressed first .

As far as him being scared . I’m pretty sure he’s scared for his life after I saw that name , he’s come to terms with I’m not as stupid as he thought and know a lot more than I let out . The fact that I sat back for years and just went along (most days )is actually quite scary to him . I don’t think he ever imagined just how differently I reacted when it all came out. Reality hit him square in the face and quick . He did say a few months back I’m not as scared of you as I am your father . He will bury me finically and I won’t be able to recover . H did also mention you were absolutely quiet about what you would do if I left. I think some of that stems from he did not leave the home and overheard me sending my father all the information that was sent to me . Photos , messages , receipts and letters . The police were called to the home , he lied to them saying I attacked him . The children were questioned and obviously none of it was true . Ive never laid a hand on my children and I sure wouldn’t throw a swing at H. This was while he was having an active A , he was attempting to get me out of the home I own and on the occasion I would ask him , why are you still here ? You don’t want to be married , you want to not come home , why be here . So he called the police and told them I attacked him and jumped on him . Man I really wish I did some days . This incident when I look back is really the start to when he began to clean up his act . He attempted to mend this incident very quickly and began to stay home more frequently. It still amazes me the lengths they will go to during MLC and A to make you into a villain you are not . I’m going to add he has utterly apologized and is embarrassed about it . He has also openly admitted I tried to make you into something you just flat out are not . You had every right to ask me why I was still there , because I shouldn’t have been while acting like that . I’m very cautious when giving other members advice because of this solely . They will use whatever they can to attempt to get what they want or try to start a riot . He attempted to get me removed from a home I solely own . That he can not afford . And really if it came down to it and for some odd reason that never would happen I was forced to sell . He is very aware I would not stay in the area so he would have less access to his children and really would have been given everything he had said for years . Freedom ! Freedom to be single . Freedom to not have to be a solid parent . Freedom to not come home . Alone , just as he so thought he wanted . Now that he’s slowly clearing up that MLC fog , it’s just sad . It’s sad I’m still somehow still here . So part of me does understand the hesitation as him coming clean on more may just tip me over edge . His gig is up we all know it .

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Caligirl,

As in my latest post, I go through older threads and learn from others. For whatever reason, I clicked on Ske0187's thread and found you.

Originally Posted by Caligirl 09/28/19 09:17 PM
I went back and caught up on some of your stich . Newbie too . I like the part when you don't know what to say don't say anything. It's taken me a little bit to learn not to respond to about 50 percent of what H is saying because it's just non sense or baiting . Not making a life time decision on an emotion you are feeling is a great idea .

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2866724#Post2866724

Originally Posted by Caligirl 10/25/24 09:36 AM
It is true . For a long time I would paddle hard , address every emotion . Now I do nothing and pause . If it doesn’t pass after a few days then I will touch on it usually on here . I find this the safest place to do it as we have all been in or are in the same raft .

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2950605#Post2950605

Originally Posted by Caligirl 11/20/24 12:14 PM
I can say this was not a thing that changed in the last 6 months . This was 4-5 years of chaos to start seeing a shift that has stuck for the first time in a very long time . It is nothing you did or didn’t do . It is excuses they use to fuel their fires .

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2950711#Post2950711

Check out those dates! Sure enough, 5 years. Showing both changes in you ... and showing the truth of how long the timelines are.

Truely, "Take a huge breath because this is a marathon, not a sprint"

Hope you've had a great week!

g


H:55 XW:50
D19, D18, S13
ILYBINILWY 3/23
DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM")
Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24
Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
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