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From a "cya"/legal perspective I think what you have to say is very important and you should put it in writing. If you ever do get D, it's important to have this kind of evidence.

From a DB perspective, I have to defer to the jedi masters who are not so emotionally tangled up right now.


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Good Morning MG

You are on two paths. An emotional healing path, and a business path. The bulk of your time and efforts will be on your healing and wellbeing. Of course, business stuff does come up, and when it does, deal with it in a businesslike manner.

Your present situation is H not contributing $x weekly to joint account as he stated he’d do. And therefore the account is almost depleted. My views/suggestions on how to deal with this.

Originally Posted by MamaG
Verbally, H agreed to fund acct with weekly payments of X and we agreed to not touch our other funds bc funding with X would keep us fully allocated for the year. I REALLY don't want him to suggest that we start tapping the nest egg with my drafted message. I want to be certain that the message I send is in writing, informs him of our finances and requests confirmation that H will or will not fund the acct for further expenses.

- I’d not bring up tapping the nest egg or anything else you don’t want. No point putting ideas in his head.

- Definitely needs to be dealt with in writing.

- Why are you asking if H will or will not fund? Is this optional? H stated he’d deposit $x weekly and isn’t! How are you going to support yourself? Manage the household and kids’ expenses?

On to your draft letter (Which I’d not send. More below. It is pretty good. You kept it in the business realm.)

Originally Posted by MamaG
As you know, you have not contributed to our acct to support marital expenses since Feb 2024.

In March, I asked you why you stopped funding our acct for marital expenses and you told me that you didn't know how to send money to two different banks. At the time, you agreed that you'd look into reinstating weekly payments to our acct. To date, you have not.

I later informed you in May that I forecasted our acct would no longer support our expenses after July.

Do you plan to reinstate contributions to our acct in order to fund household and family expenses? As you know, RE taxes are coming due as well as D's college tuition - both of which are large expenses that our account cannot support.

- Do not tell H what he should or should not know.

- Have a copy/proof of past agreed terms and conversations.

- Be businesslike. Present the facts. Illustrate the shortcomings. Polity demand (not ask for) restitution and compliance with the agreed terms.


So what to do.

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? If not, do so. If yes, use your lawyer.

MLCers are masters of manipulation. Folks in crisis will utilize the legal system to their advantage. It is common for “gentleman agreements” to go into arrears.

These desperate people do desperate things. They also have the attention span of a gnat. Depression really does remove one’s caring about accountability and responsibility.

A lawyer will provide information about your rights and your options. Also going through a lawyer with these agreements provides a paper trail, and not the he said / she said problems that are all to common.

You are first and foremost in all this. You are the most important person in this equation. For if not, what about kids, house, college, etc.? H is running with the unicorns and fairies. You are the one left holding the bag. And yes, it is not fair!

My advice is to leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out. However, if/when you need financial security or protection - get it! That is paramount.

As H is not honouring his agreement, seek legal counsel. Get a legally enforceable agreement in place. Have your L send H a letter and follow up with legal recourse if necessary.


Boundaries / enforcement. In this situation, the time for enforcement was back in March. As soon as H did not follow through. Hold him accountable. Do not walk on eggshells. Do not let him walk all over you.

As you can likely see, businesslike. No emotions. Just identify and resolve. Logic and reason are your tools. Remain businesslike while on the business path.

This does not negate your healing path, nor DBing. In fact, part of DBing is dealing with the financial stuff. Keep moving forward MG.

D


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Originally Posted by MamaG
If H doesn't take his belongings, do I continue to store them, do I drop them off to him, bring them to a storage unit & give him a key? What do I do with packed belongings that he'll likely not take with him? I imagine that he'll be emotionally driven to 'escape and avoid' without his belongings. And, it'll feel like he's losing control?

I would not put it in a storage unit and give him the key. Outside of that - it's up to YOU to think about what makes experience less suffering for YOU.

Your job IS NOT to worry about what he wants versus what he doesn't want. It needs to just be put into 1 category "his stuff". Let him worry about what he wants to keep or not. Stop trying to figure him out or how he respond. It's a cheeseless tunnel.

Practically speaking - If you need pack up his items in steps - that's okay. For me - when I was angry, I used it to pack up stuff or down the road - toss stuff. Emotions are strong so if I was crying, I was ruminating about the past versus living in the present. I was giving so much power to the "stuff"... but when you can detach a little bit you realize it's just physical items - the memories will always be there.

You still seemed a little too worry about how your H will respond to your taking care of yourself. I sense your hesitation to take these next steps.

It makes sense. Whether we are getting legal advice, moving out our partner's stuff, settlng boundaries.. all of these things knock down the denial of the situation. Each step makes it a little bit more real... which is painful!

However as I mentioned before... we have to look at reality. Currently your H is gone and only interested in his needs and wants. You have two choices. You can put your head in the sand and let him call the shots... financially, emotionally etc. Or you can take control of your part of the equation.

There is no way to avoid the situation (which is awful). No way to avoid the pain. However how long and how much you choose to suffer... that's entirely within your control.


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Selfish is clearly not my middle name. Thanks for the reminders to do right by me. Hope this gets easier.

I reached out to L today. Due to the holiday this week, I won't be able to talk with L until next week.

H reached out this morning and requested that we talk in response to an email from D about college pymt coming due. D took the bull by its horns despite me recommending that I handle it. For her own health, I let D know that if H doesn't make good on the payment that I would fund it so she didn't get any more anxiety and lose sleep. Be honest with me, am I compromising D and/or D and H relationship by her being involved?

And, in response to H's request to talk, I asked H what he wanted to talk about (a small part of me hoping that H wanted to talk about our R even if I had to be ready to just listen). It took H all day to respond....in which he sent me D's text. No question nor request for conversation. I wasn't completely sure how to respond or whether to respond at all, as I knew that my longer 'cya' text will likely be sent with L's input.

I ended up responding with a confirmation that I rec'd a similar message from D and I that I would pay my half of the fall semester to her. Short and factual. I didn't inquire about what H is doing or how H will fund.

Needless to say, I don't expect to receive a response nor request for conversation from H any time soon. Maybe H figures out that there will also be an invoice coming for the spring semester in a short stint. Either way, I'm glad that I'm nowhere near his emotional self tonight. Consequences must be felt.

DnJ, glad you found that the drafted boundary lacked emotion. Trying to apply readings and input!

Originally Posted by DnJ
My advice is to leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out. However, if/when you need financial security or protection - get it! That is paramount.

As H is not honouring his agreement, seek legal counsel. Get a legally enforceable agreement in place. Have your L send H a letter and follow up with legal recourse if necessary.


Boundaries / enforcement. In this situation, the time for enforcement was back in March. As soon as H did not follow through. Hold him accountable. Do not walk on eggshells. Do not let him walk all over you.

As you can likely see, businesslike. No emotions. Just identify and resolve. Logic and reason are your tools. Remain businesslike while on the business path.

What do you mean by the sentence about leaving heavy lifting to H?

Definitely did a poor job of enforcing in May and an even worse job in October as I don't have the handshake documented at all. Other than a verbal commitment, I do have bank stmts that support the activity.

Originally Posted by Valeska19
It makes sense. Whether we are getting legal advice, moving out our partner's stuff, setting boundaries.. all of these things knock down the denial of the situation. Each step makes it a little bit more real... which is painful!

Yup. Couldn't agree more. And, I can feel myself getting closer to acceptance or should I say clearing denial. I've let go quite a bit in the last few weeks. Albeit, kicking and screaming, while taking control of my own feelings. I've been dragged for far too long. It's getting easier to muddle through and saddening all at the same time. Yes, I still wonder what H's thoughts, reactions, feelings are in response to my numerous 180s. BUT, I don't wonder and get worried as much. I wonder more out of curiosity. What could H think of all this limited reaction he's getting from me? I've taken little to no interest in H....which is why for a minute, I wondered if H would be asking to talk about R. It was a stretch but I'm OK with it not happening (didn't expect it).

Happy 4th!


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Good Morning MG

Please don’t tangle/confuse selfish with self care. It’s ok to look after you too! (((Hugs))) And yes, it gets easier.

Originally Posted by MamaG
H reached out this morning and requested that we talk in response to an email from D about college pymt coming due. D took the bull by its horns despite me recommending that I handle it. For her own health, I let D know that if H doesn't make good on the payment that I would fund it so she didn't get any more anxiety and lose sleep. Be honest with me, am I compromising D and/or D and H relationship by her being involved?

You are doing fine. I agree letting daughter know she is ok for tuition, and that you’ll cover Dad’s portion if necessary.

The ideal is “this problem is between Dad and I, and not about you two kids”. Unfortunately, crisis folks are so consumed and running that kids, especially adult kids, the relationship between them and their parent gets strained. Missed appointments, birthdays, graduations, convocations, fighting about and at weddings and socials, threats, trying to force the other man/woman into the kids’ lives, not keeping their financial obligations, and so on.

Mlcers blow up their life and cause a heck of a lot of collateral damage. Sadly, they continue along their destructive path and mow down anyone and anything that gets in their way or doesn’t go along with their narrative. It’s surprising how quickly nonconforming kids, family, and friends are tossed aside.

D and H’s relationship is theirs. If they do not find a way, then there will be no way. It’s not for you to facilitate it or mend it, just not to destroy it.

Originally Posted by MamaG
I ended up responding with a confirmation that I rec'd a similar message from D and I that I would pay my half of the fall semester to her. Short and factual. I didn't inquire about what H is doing or how H will fund.

Perfect!

Originally Posted by MamaG
What do you mean by the sentence about leaving heavy lifting to H?

Heavy lifting refers specifically to formal seperation/divorce proceedings/agreements/arrangements.

Most LBS feel against seeing a lawyer. It’s pretty standard that we don’t want to push for a divorce; one of the reason we likely found this place.

So, advice is to seek legal counsel - just for information. To learn one’s rights, obligations, likely outcome, worst/best outcomes, processes/procedures if/when things turn, etc. Knowledge is power. And being fore warned or fore knowing is to be fore armed.

It’s about learning, and of course rationalizing, which helps with detaching. Just gathering information while leaving the heavy-lifting to the spouse who wants out.

However, and this is a big however, if (when?) one needs financial protection or security - get it!

I’ve seen many people go too long to their financial detriment. There is a business side of this mess we didn’t want to be dragged in to.

Your low energy wallower is likely to continue wallowing in his pit of misery. Confusion and depression twisting him about. He’ll flake on his obligations. Maybe even purposefully.

How high is the risk of H dipping in to nest egg accounts and going on some spending spree? Likely low. Yet, some do. There are situations where funds are just gone! Frittered away. On all kinds of stuff in their futile effort to feel younger/better. Cars, motorcycles, drink, drugs, clothes, trips, illegal/illicit behaviours, and so on. Do keep tabs on your accounts and be fore-armed to know what you can legally do, quickly do, if things turn sideways.

My XW was/is a high energy vanisher. There was no mistaking, she was on a rampage. She pushed for a seperation. She even demanded she get charged with adultery (although in the revised agreement I had my lawyer remove that clause, and XW didn’t notice. Boy was she mad.) We were separated/divorced in 60 days! And she had surgery during that time. Which she didn’t listen to the doctor’s recovery instructions and had to have another three weeks of rest. She pushed her seperation agreement and got it done. Against her own lawyer’s advice. He made her see two financial planner and a psychiatrist. He even had her sign a waiver that stated she was going against his legal advice.

Regardless of type, low or high energy, clinger or vanisher, the overall crisis is slow. Very very slow! Any type may push/force a divorce or drag their feet. As the LBS, we just don’t put boulders in their path, yet not pave it in gold either. Leave the heavy lifting to them.

In my case, XW definitely was all over the heavy lifting. In your case, I can see H dragging his feet. Lots do that.

So, the financial part. Do you, your kids, require financial security? From my vantage, yes. (I’m figuring H is the major breadwinner and neither of you are millionaires.) In mere weeks that joint account will be depleted. H is not keeping his “I promise to do” obligations. Again, lots do that. You require a court order and a court enforceable agreement in place.

It depends on your locale how far along the seperation/divorce road such an agreement has to go. Some jurisdictions don’t have legal separation only divorce, and others do. Some can have financial deals without any formal martial status alterations, other places won’t. It gets messy with joint ownership and assets. A lawyer knows what is and isn’t allowed, and what is usually best for you. After all, they are not emotionally invested, rationally looking at the facts - money and custody, and have expert knowledge of the legal system you are within.

Hope that makes sense. Leave whatever heavy lifting you can to H, yet get your financial security.

Originally Posted by MamaG
Definitely did a poor job of enforcing in May and an even worse job in October as I don't have the handshake documented at all. Other than a verbal commitment, I do have bank stmts that support the activity.

It’s fine. Make it better going forward.

Take your statements with you to the lawyer, along with a list of questions you have. (Maybe a few starting ones: Can I move half of the funds from joint accounts to my own accounts? Am I liable for debts H incurs going forward if we don’t change martial status? Can I change the locks? Is H considered to have moved out and not living here? Tax implications as well. Not his primary address?) Write them down by the way. We forget those questions once we are seated across from the L and information starts pouring in.

Originally Posted by MamaG
Yes, I still wonder what H's thoughts, reactions, feelings are in response to my numerous 180s.

Perfectly normal to wonder.

MLCers do watch. However, H is on his wild ride, and on his timeline. It moves glacially slow and has little to nothing to do with you.

Just ensure your 180s are for you. That way, those changes will become permanent. MamaG2.0. Best version of you!

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I read thru this thread today as a result of yesterday's reach out from H. I don't love how we interacted nor the little that was exchanged. Yet, the little exchanged may have been a 180 that I didn't even prepare for.

H texted early in the morning yesterday to tell me that H needs to stop and get some things and provided a specific time that he'd come last night. I responded with what do you need, much like I asked when he sent a like text on 6/28. Yesterday, H responded and said some clothes and tools. And ended text with "Why?"

I informed him that we don't have duplicates of tools and that I've found myself replacing items that he's taken. Six hours later, I get a 'on my way' text.

I freaked out - wasn't home because I was leaving doctor's office for the poison ivy reaction.

M: NO, I'm not home. Today is not a good night.

H: I need some clothes and that's all I'll grab. Is that ok

I didn't respond to H and had my ride bring me home rather than getting prescription filled. We pulled in at the same time. H drove into driveway and parked in garage. As I walked up, H was grabbing an empty duffle bag from the back seat and looked back at me.

M: I told you tonight wasn't a good night. (I had an emotionless face and felt nothing but anxiety, but couldn't help but notice that H was all dressed up and yanked his bucket hat from his head in the driveway. That was odd as I don't know why the bucket hat couldn't be seen. I digress.)

H: What happened, H asked? (H was looking at my arms that had been fully wrapped by the doctor and definitely left the impression of something much more serious than poison ivy. H's face was that of concern and appeared to be fighting back tears.)

M: I'm ok. What do you need to grab?

H: What happened?

M: Nothing. I'm ok.

H maintained his concerned and surprised look. H held back emotions and calmly got in his vehicle and left. Normally, I'd challenge H to stay and not leave the discussion (dismissive avoidant/anxious avoidant relationship). Yesterday, I backed out of the garage, walked towards the backyard and physically turned my back to H until he was out of the driveway. I then walked into the house and locked up. While I was less welcoming than I've been in the past, I wish I hadn't given him my physical back as H pulled away. I wasn't crying nor thinking about crying but suspect H may wonder if I was.

Originally Posted by DnJ
If/when H comes by looking for his stuff, oh it’s out in the garage. Have it neatly packed and labelled to ensure timely pick up and less room for blaming and such.

Originally Posted by Valeska19
If/when H comes by looking for his stuff, oh it’s out in the garage. Have it neatly packed and labelled to ensure timely pick up and less room for blaming and such.

I never told H that I've packed much of his stuff and have it in a spot for him to take. And, H never made it inside to see the pile. Other than behaving like children with repeated exchanges, we didn't say much in words. H rec'd an emotionless version of me and saw that I didn't reach out to him for medical support as I had in the past.

Do I reach out to H today? Do I say anything to H? Or do I wait for the next time H needs to come by and get stuff to let him see/know about his belongings being packed?

As for the poison ivy, I was prescribed an incorrect dosage of meds and as a result, I'm not seeing improvements. Doc felt that the blisters could be fully covered so that I was more comfortable and not having them burst everywhere. For this reason, both arms were fully wrapped in an Ace bandage from elbow to wrist. Imagine what H must think happened?

As for my behavior with H, I froze and we had a less than great interaction. I realize how we have both become distant from each other. No comfort to express ourselves. Altho, it's true that H wasn't ever great at sharing, I feel like I adopted his avoidance yesterday and wasn't proud. I wish I was more cheery and approachable than I was. I'm not sure I left him with any desire to come home yesterday.

Originally Posted by Valeska19
Contrary to belief - boundaries don't feel good at first when you set them. You are going to feel worse before you feel better. You are gonna experience the storm before the calm. This is a truth I wish self help books would be honest about. You were taught to not set boundaries because there was punishment attached.


Originally Posted by DnJ
The ideal is “this problem is between Dad and I, and not about you two kids”. Unfortunately, crisis folks are so consumed and running that kids, especially adult kids, the relationship between them and their parent gets strained.

Because this is a problem between H and I, do I reach out to resolve? Basically ensure he'll fund his half? Or do I leave it alone? I don't think he'll fund it to D and if she shouldn't do the following up....what do I do or say?


Originally Posted by DnJ
So, the financial part. Do you, your kids, require financial security? From my vantage, yes. (I’m figuring H is the major breadwinner and neither of you are millionaires.) In mere weeks that joint account will be depleted. H is not keeping his “I promise to do” obligations. Again, lots do that. You require a court order and a court enforceable agreement in place.

I want financial security around the nest egg. I've been the bread winner all along. H provides in many other ways and I believe that H never felt that his contributions were equitable. We would openly talk about how each of us contributed and had no issues with it. Perhaps, H had an issue with having a lower income.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Take your statements with you to the lawyer, along with a list of questions you have. (Maybe a few starting ones: Can I move half of the funds from joint accounts to my own accounts? Am I liable for debts H incurs going forward if we don’t change martial status? Can I change the locks? Is H considered to have moved out and not living here? Tax implications as well. Not his primary address?) Write them down by the way. We forget those questions once we are seated across from the L and information starts pouring in.

Great questions! This was super helpful.

On the boundaries front, I've learned that they are for me. And, I've learned that setting them doesn't feel right nor good. I can attest to this.

I feel as though yesterday's activities were divine intervention - I couldn't have planned for the doc to wrap my arms and pull into the driveway at the very same time. Wish I knew God's plan and timing.

I can't help but believe that H wants to talk but doesn't feel comfortable telling me things nor knows what/how to express thoughts/emotions; wants to figure our R out but doesn't know where I stand and is afraid. I can't kick this feeling. Is it still recommended that I remain NC and wait for H to approach me?

As many have shared on this board, I fear that my actions and words tell H that he doesn't stand a chance anymore so don't bother trying. H is so fragile and afraid (avoidant) that I don't want to risk pushing him away if he is looking to actually talk and assess our situation. I still don't know what H is thinking nor where he stands and it is so hard to get through some day.

Last edited by MamaG; 07/09/24 02:51 PM.

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Good Morning MG

You did fine on the exchange with H. You stated that that night was not a good time; you stated that him taking tools is not preferred as you then have to go and purchase replacement ones. It’s up to H whether he listens or not. You cannot control his actions.

Originally Posted by MamaG
Because this is a problem between H and I, do I reach out to resolve? Basically ensure he'll fund his half? Or do I leave it alone? I don't think he'll fund it to D and if she shouldn't do the following up....what do I do or say?

You are between a rock and a hard place. Like with the tools, or anything really, H will do as he will. You cannot make him. As such, it’s what do you, or perhaps what should you do?

Focus on you and the kids.

Give plenty of time and space to dear old confused H.

Take actions based upon your sincere, logically and rationally based, best path forward. Counterintuitive as it may be.

Have you spoken to your L yet? Knowledge is power. You will know which options you can and cannot legally move forward with. You will be better informed to make the difficult/best decision(s). By the way, that best (for the moment) decision may be to let things lay on the financial front and simply pack up H’s belonging and replace the few tools he acquires.

“Problem between you and H” reinforces to keep the kids out of it. Whatever is going on - minimize further harm as best you can. And to be clear, there will be further damages, collateral and otherwise, from H and his behaviours. Note further damages does not necessitate further harms. Minimizing further harm is best served by not trying to be a shield, rather being a role model and illustrating how to be strong and secure and basically know thy self. To be able to see through the manipulation and gaslighting and projections. To not fret over them.

“Do I reach out to resolve?” Yes. Although, not to H. And likely not in the manner you are considering. Be clear with H, as you were regarding house, items, coming over, etc. For required financial protection and security, you reach out to L. Be business-like when dealing with business stuff.

As for D’s tuition, and keeping the problem between you and H. If H doesn’t pay his half - you pay. Ensure whatever parental portion of D’s fees/tuition are planned on being paid, get paid. You then deal with H later. (If you choose to. It may be in your best interest to let his portion go.)

Originally Posted by MamaG
I want financial security around the nest egg. I've been the bread winner all along. H provides in many other ways and I believe that H never felt that his contributions were equitable. We would openly talk about how each of us contributed and had no issues with it. Perhaps, H had an issue with having a lower income.

Perhaps H does feel inadequate or some such regarding his portion of the joint income. It’s not the root cause for what’s currently going on. Merely another symptom, a distraction, a justification, something for H to point at so as to not look inward.

As breadwinner over the years, you would feel the financial brunt of a split. Get informed, gather info, and decide your best path forward. It may very well be to remain as you are, while being prepared to act if things suddenly take a sharp turn.

Originally Posted by MamaG
I still don't know what H is thinking nor where he stands and it is so hard to get through some day.

Yep. H doesn’t know what he is thinking, or wants. So how can you? Remember, he is driven by his ever changing emotions.

Originally Posted by MamaG
H is so fragile and afraid (avoidant) that I don't want to risk pushing him away if he is looking to actually talk and assess our situation.

Yes, H is broken. Is fragile. Is afraid. Is avoidant. Skirts responsibility, accountability, and so on.

The biggest pushing away you can do, is pressure.

Don’t fret. If/when H truly wants to talk about your situation, he will! And you will know!

Originally Posted by MamaG
I fear that my actions and words tell H that he doesn't stand a chance anymore so don't bother trying.

Let go that fear. (((Hugs)))

Act with sincerity. Act with love and compassion. Act with purpose.

When you walk in light, are sincere in your life, your intentions will shine through. H has a chance, and you are not a doormat.

Fear not. Sincerely standing, boundaries, focusing on you, GAL, etc., are very attractive. Do it for you. H may or may not figure his stuff out. H may or may not heal and grow. Regardless, you keep moving forward and allow H run to catch up, if he so chooses.


I do empathize MG. Grief, bargaining, withdrawal, lead to some pretty wild emotions and thoughts. Stay strong. Stick to the path. You got this.

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Don't reach out to him to resolve anything MG. Remember what I said about boundaries feeling "wrong" when you aren't used to setting them and sticking to them? That's what happening here.

You did a fine job communicating with you H. Whatever emotion he has is on him. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it. That's not cruel... just a natural consequence to actions. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR DOES.

Continue to work on tolerating that "wrong" feeling. It will get easier!


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Fear is still very real over here - step 1 is admitting it....and now to resolve it.

I've packed most of H's closet and it amounts to his truck's load. There is more stuff but I need boxes. I can figure this part out. smile

Here comes my need for help. H text today saying he's hoping to come by one day this week after work to grab clothes. I haven't responded to him just yet. I am inclined to inform him via text that 'To help him, I packed up his personal belongings for him.' in advance of (rather than then at arrival of) H coming and learning that I packed his stuff up. I recognize my desire to tell him via text comes from fear and I can feel my anxiety building just thinking about how he may react if he isn't aware prior to coming to the house.

If you feel that it's wiser/better/kinder/more personal to inform him in person, can I ask you to give me words to share my 'packing his stuff' news with him? How do I tell him that I packed up his belongings?

Also, H doesn't know about poison ivy and his last sighting of me was with my arms all wrapped up. When H comes this week, do I wear a long sleeve shirt to hide the healing but blemished arms? If H asks, do I share with him what was/is wrong? Is this a time to be mysterious?


As an observation, H generally avoids coming to the house on weekends. And, as a second observation, H tends to text on Mondays...after the weekend.

H has mentioned that he works on Sat and then does nothing on Sun. Strange? Common for MLCer? Avoiding 'time' to be around longer than a weeknight after work?

On a personal note, I had a couple proud moments - I learned to fix many a things around this house. Picked up a few things at a box store and fixed the sprinklers which were watering the street unnecessarily & fixed the running toilet. I'm still working on getting air out of the water pipes but haven't given up. Really miss my handy man but I'm stepping in and stepping up. D was so proud of me when I shared these accomplishments with her. We laughed.


H:49 W:49
M:26; T:32
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Good Morning MG

Congrats on fixing the toilet and getting the sprinklers working properly. It does take some time running water to purge the air out of the pipes.

A tip for you: When you bleed down a water line, completed whatever repair or install was required, and restored the water pressure, go around and remove the aerator on every faucet. Clean/wash off the aerator and run water to flush out the line (as well as purge the air). Do put the stopper in as sometimes the rubber gasket for the aerator unknowingly remains on the tap. The flowing water blasts it loose and the gasket goes down the drain. It’s also neat to see just how much debris is filled out.

With the water turned off, bits of scale, rust, and whatnot that is stuck to the insides of the pipes comes loose. When pressure is restored and with water flowing down stream, the junk will accumulate in the aerators. It can sometimes be so bad that a faucet will plug right up and not work at all. The washing machine inlet lines may require their filters cleaned as well, depending on where their lines are hooked up to the main supply and how much of the water system was pressured down. Those filters are just a mesh screen right at the hose connection. Turn off the valve, remove the hose, flush it into a pail, clean the screen, and reassemble.

The dishwasher can plug up too. However, flushing the kitchen sink tap usually prevents accumulation of debris in the dishwasher inlet. Cleaning/flushing the dishwasher is a more involved job (stuff to take apart), and only done when needed.

Originally Posted by MamaG
If you feel that it's wiser/better/kinder/more personal to inform him in person, can I ask you to give me words to share my 'packing his stuff' news with him? How do I tell him that I packed up his belongings?

I understand your fear regarding what H’s reaction might be. Ah, fear. It’s about something that hasn’t even happened yet, and might not.

I’d just reply to his text without the “to help him” preamble. Just stick to the facts and be short and direct. The “to help him” wording is fear based. It’s you trying to soften the blow so he won’t get upset.

Just text him something like:

H (text): I’m hoping to come by one day this week after work to grab clothes.

MG (text): Perfect! Your stuff is boxed up and in the garage.

(Or basement, or wherever you have it piled up.)

Originally Posted by MamaG
Also, H doesn't know about poison ivy and his last sighting of me was with my arms all wrapped up. When H comes this week, do I wear a long sleeve shirt to hide the healing but blemished arms? If H asks, do I share with him what was/is wrong? Is this a time to be mysterious?

Be out. Don’t even be there. That’d be mighty mysterious.

Be arm-deep in some repair. Too busy for chit chat with him. He can gather his stuff and go.

Time and space. Letting him feel what he is loosing.

Besides, you’re detached, focused on your life, and a got lots to do, and lots you want to do.

Originally Posted by MamaG
As an observation, H generally avoids coming to the house on weekends. And, as a second observation, H tends to text on Mondays...after the weekend.

H has mentioned that he works on Sat and then does nothing on Sun. Strange? Common for MLCer? Avoiding 'time' to be around longer than a weeknight after work?

Some do tend to find a manner of routine, and others are all over the map. There was a poster whose MLCer called on Fridays from work after 5:00 pm closing. Others only on weekends, others only on weekdays, and others whenever they “feel” they need to. For the latter group, the LBS, to keep their sanity, usually needs to promote a routine of returning correspondence on only a certain day. Something like, read all the texts and listen to the various voice mails. Reply to the necessary stuff by email (it is best to figure out one, and only one, method of communication for the really clinging type) one day a week. Maybe Wednesday evenings, so it doesn’t detract from your weekend plans and activities.

You H is not latched on that hard. His texting and reaching out sounds like it is contained to Mondays, and not every Monday. Remember, these folks are confused and teenager-like. They have a cauldron of rebelling, lashing out, moving out, and yet hanging on. Just like kids do when they leave the nest.

I do believe it is common for MLCers to minimize their time around us and their old life. A weekday after work is easier to make up an excuse to leave or plan a short visit than an open weekend.

H’s do nothing Sunday is also common. Not so much being Sunday, as just a down day to brood and wallow. It’s the stuff of those not burning their candle at both ends - the high energy types.

My vanisher XW hasn’t spoken to me for years. She does reach out to the kids - somewhat. Her schedule is a couple of months. XW reaches a point when she feels she needs to hear their voice, and she starts texting or calling. She cycles between texts and calls on a yearly timeframe. Presently she at the apex of reaching out and it is by actual phone calls.

The kids, well let’s stick with the youngest for one. He has over the last week received 40 calls from Mom. Son is well aware of how Mom is, and how she is just getting her fix. She never shares anything about her life (with any of the kids) and once she gets her visit in, she goes silent-running again for a while.

Son is busy with his Master Thesis and doesn’t have time for her drama. As such, son has ignored her calls.

Son took a few days off and was out visiting me, which XW knew about. (oh, MLCers still keeps tabs on their old life and going ons with LBS and tossed away kids.) She called three times one morning and then texted son, begging him to call her. Son responded to her text, asking if anything was wrong. Mom said, no, I just want to hear your voice. It’s like a starring contest with her.

The last time XW/Mom “needed” to “just hear your voice” was her birthday. And yes, it was exactly that - to just hear his voice. After days and days of her hounding him, son called her. She was too busy right then and would call him back. Nine hours later Mom got back to son, heard him say two sentences and then told him she was busy and hung up. Then nothing until the week ago calls started up again.

She’s really lost.

Son understands. And he basically doesn’t invest into her BS. Our situation is going on seven years now. Mom is just using him and his siblings. No sharing of her life. (She still has not mentioned her new riding mower to any of them. And mowing grass is her main source of income and vocation.) Like an addict, she gets her fix, they runs. Once it wears off, she desperately reaches back for another quick - not too personal, not too motherly, not too anything - hit. Sad really.

Keep moving forward you handy-woman. Good for you. And you should be proud. Excellent role model for daughter.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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