Hello everyone, I’ll just try to sum things up quickly here…
My wife asked for a separation 6 months ago. ILYBNILWY Financially we cannot live separately, so for a short time we slept in separate beds. I’ve been reading these forums for many months, and I was not surprised when I found evidence of an affair on her phone. It was extremely emotional for both of us when I found out.
So after I discovered this I asked her to stop communicating with this man and please try to work on our marriage. She has agreed. Saying that when the affair happened, she regarded our marriage as over. But now wants to work on it. I’m definitely suspicious that it took my catching her for her to decide she wants to work on us.
We have 2 young children, and both of us want to remain together for them. My wife displays many MLC traits. And a recent prescription for ADD medication has sent her deep into MLC behavior. Her drinking has become excessive, and life in general seems to be only about her right now.She used to be very selfless and nurturing. Her mood with our children has deteriorated as well. She is very stern with them now. It’s gotten better since I discovered the affair, but still present.
Our sex life has gone from minimal. (Before the discovery) To daily. (After discovering) Back to non existent. (Presently)
I’ve got a vague idea of what DB is but I’m so hurt and confused. I’m beginning to physically deteriorate. It’s quite literally killing me. I can feel it…
Why is she suddenly wanting to now work on our marriage? After I caught her? Why are we basically not separated now that I’ve discovered? We sleep in same bed. Kiss, hug. No sex right now, but we’ve had more sex recently in general. Before catching her. I have rewired my entire life in hopes of improving our relationship. I’ve stopped smoking, and drinking. Gone to counseling. (Which seems to have made things worse) The therapist told her about CoDependency, and that set us back months.
Im in pain. Everyday for 6 months has been a struggle. Some days are better than others, but it’s ever present… The infidelity, the drinking, the eye twitching. She is so angry sometimes. It’s frightening honestly. Please help.
I just feel like everything I’ve worked so hard for. My family, my career, my home…. None of it exists anymore. I’m absolutely devastated, and it’s been dragging on 6 months now.
Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread for you to read. Please continue to post and ask questions. I'm sure others will come along shortly to post to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry to hear about this. Your wife has been demonstrating typical WW behavior. It is quite likely that when you discovered her affair, her EA was already wearing out or she was on the verge of getting dumped. It is highly unlikely that she will readily agree to working on the MR without something unobvious at play. Maybe she is just bidding time until another affair materializes. Will need further observation, but most importantly you need to DB. Read the Lighthouse story asap, practice detachment and GAL like your live depends on it.
Can you tell us more about yourself and your family - ages, children, and you MR so far etc.
I am sorry you find yourself here. Bomb drop is such a gut punch.
Originally Posted by mrorange
I’ve got a vague idea of what DB is but I’m so hurt and confused. I’m beginning to physically deteriorate. It’s quite literally killing me. I can feel it…
Breathe.
You are among folks who understand. Folks who care. Folks who have walked through the fires you are currently in.
Yes, this does take a horrible physical toll upon one. Such emotional stress is reflected physically. We also do not care for ourselves as best we should when embroiled within this.
A very common thing is sleep deprivation. Restless, fitful, nightmare-filled sleeps can linger for months.
Physical activity is an excellent outlet for venting one’s pent up anxiety and to reduce stress. It also helps with sleeping patterns and sleeping more soundly.
Sweat it out. Do something physical, even exhausting. Let those feelings go into the activity. Walk, run, dig the garden, practice with the punching bag, etc. Something safe to let go your feelings.
Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy by MWD? If not, get one. Read it carefully and fully. Lots of great information in that book.
A note, do not share the book or anything you learn with W, she will see it as you attempting to manipulate her, which will be counterproductive. DR, this site, and such are your playbook, they are for you. Keep them close to the vest. And clear the browser cache on the family computer if you use it on this site.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Read the detachment thread for ideas and strategies and tools for fostering detachment. It takes time, and purposeful rational thought and activity.
Detachment, letting go, dropping the rope, is basically one no longer being uncontrollably dragged around by their situation or the words and behaviours of their spouse. Drop the rope or be dragged, is a common saying you’ve likely ran across in your months of reading here.
Originally Posted by mrorange
I’m in pain. Everyday for 6 months has been a struggle. Some days are better than others, but it’s ever present… The infidelity, the drinking, the eye twitching. She is so angry sometimes. It’s frightening honestly. Please help.
I do empathize and understand your pain. After my BD, I too languished. Ceaselessly.
The quickest way through this bog is a straight line. It is quite a slog and takes time.
We all require a certain amount of understanding before we can/will let go. Before we find detachment. Post, ask questions, listen to the kind and compassionate folks here with much hard-earned wisdom.
Originally Posted by mrorange
I just feel like everything I’ve worked so hard for. My family, my career, my home…. None of it exists anymore. I’m absolutely devastated, and it’s been dragging on 6 months now.
mro, I do understand that feeling of devastation. Have faith, you’ve not lost. The future is unknown and unwritten. This absolutely gets better. You will be better!
For right now, breathe. Take it day by day. Hour by hour when you need to. Heck, I had plenty of days I existed minute to minute. Literally. I watched the second hand go around the entire clock. Then, surviving that minute, I did another. Let me tell you, an hour/day can feel like an eternity.
Focus on you. Shift your focus off of W. Give her plenty of time and space. She needs to burn through her anger and resentment. That frightening angry side of her you’ve seen.
W’s current path is emotionally driven. She will change her mind and her trajectory many times. Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. Another reason to shift your focus off of her.
Get a life (GAL). Do activities. Pick up old forgotten hobbies. Start something new. Try something you’ve always wanted to do. This all helps with detachment and many other facets of your path.
Please do share your ages and how many kids and such. Folks can better tailor suggestions with more information. This is a safe place, and you are anonymous. Just leave names, locations, and such out.
I look forward to conversing with you.
Stay strong my friend. You’ll be alright.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I have 2 kids. 4, and 2 years old. Just typing that fills me with anguish. I’m so worried about them growing up without both my wife and I being together, and happy. My babies. They are everything to me.
I’ve been married 7 years. My relationship with my wife has obviously been strained for the past year or so. I’ve been overwhelmed at work. I was drinking too much, and so was she. Our relationship didn’t revolve around alcohol, but it was something we did together often. Drink alcohol.
My wife had pretty severe depression after both children which definitely caused resentments on my part. I couldn’t fix her, and I was getting bitter doing the majority of the housework as well as working a very stressful job. I’m definitely not blameless in this situation. If anything? Thinking of how loveless I had become is the worst type of pain I feel. I very much blame myself for my situation.
After my wife began to recover from her depression, I was left tired and angry. I had been in my mind. Slaving hand and foot through 2 pregnancies and 4 years of depression. She began to dress the children, and I just didn’t notice.
Our sex life had dwindled in this time, and I honestly didn’t think it was anything to worry about. I figured every couple with two kids under 5 barely have time or energy for sex. As my wife started to emerge from her depression, she began to want more, and I didn’t/ couldn’t fulfill her desire.
I myself had become depressed. During the time she told me things were going poorly for us, I practically gave her permission to stray. I never once thought she would. But my un caring attitude became an invitation. I myself had been thinking of infidelity.
Then around New Year’s something in me popped/snapped. I honestly think a higher power touched me. I was overwhelmed with emotions. Emotions I hadn’t felt in many years. I’m an alcoholic.
No longer was alcoholism able to stifle my emotions. God took its power away, and from that day on. I’ve lost the desire to drink. Like a switch had been hit in my mind.
I had a talk with my wife about saving our marriage. Going to counseling. Revive our sex life. She seemed willing and we began to rebuild. Or so I thought..
A few months later I saw her phone. The text messages.. It was graphic, and traumatizing. I knew from reading this blog that she was most likely having an affair. But I was still absolutely devastated. She was sorry she didn’t end it after I had quit drinking and professed my love to our marriage. But she was over our marriage before that.
Maybe I was disillusioned. But I had no idea things had gotten so bad. I thought I was generally happy. This is my worst hurt. My deepest source of pain and sorrow.
I let our marriage become so toxic. I let myself become angry and un loving. I took everything I had for granted and focused on complaining about the stupid dishes. I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed. I’m humiliated. It’s my fault this happened. If I were the only one to suffer from this. It would be tolerable. But I’ve failed my children. I’ve failed my babies. I’m so sorry.
We do tend to take things for granted. A good portion of DBing is becoming the best version of yourself. Looking at your deeds, actions, beliefs; and making changes for the better. A better husband, Dad, son, brother, friend, coworker, a better person.
You make a promise to yourself, from this day forward…
Originally Posted by mrorange
I have rewired my entire life in hopes of improving our relationship. I’ve stopped smoking, and drinking. Gone to counseling. (Which seems to have made things worse)
Any changes you make need to be permanent. And they need to be for you. Things you want to change to the better. That is the only way such changes will become permanent, they become part of you.
W knows you. And she will doubt the sincerity of your changes. She will be wary of the new and improved you. She will sense deep changes vs changes to fix a relationship. Especially when she’s looking to leave the relationship.
Stop pleading and begging. Stop mopping around. Start acting as if. Be positive. Be attractive. In time the “acting as if” becomes being. You are no longer acting, you are being.
W has years of built up resentment to get through, and needs to believe in your new self. This is going to take time. Focus on you. Give her time.
To that end, no more relationship talks. You’ve told W you don’t want a divorce. And that you want to fix things. Now live it.
There are no quick fixes. No magic words or silver bullet. It took time to get here, and it will take time to unravel and build new.
You do have the gift of time. Use it wisely.
mro, I understand the sorrow and hurt. Acknowledge it. Learn from it.
Keep moving forward. The past is immutable. The future unwritten. You can act in only this present moment. You will only fail your children, your life, if you allow it.
Stand up, dust yourself off, and move forward. It starts with a single small step. From there, each small step cumulating into your grand journey.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks. Reading that did provide some relief for me. It’s been very hard to refrain from over emotional behavior. I was/ am a functioning alcoholic which basically means any emotion I couldn’t handle subconsciously or not was diluted in alcohol. It doesn’t take heavy drinking to do that either. So now. Without my crutch. I’m struggling to process emotions. I’m smothering my wife.
I’m also having trouble with GAL. My family is my life. I work 10+ hours a day, and the moment I’m released from work I’m heading straight to my children. To cook them dinner, bath time, and bed. By then. It’s bed for me too. Then I get up and do it again. I’ve lived this way for years 4 years or more.
Since I’ve stopped drinking, I’ve become even more attached to them. I’ve tried to take on a hobby, but knowing the precious time I’m losing with my children. I’ve been unable to make any progress. It’s just a waste of money.
My wife has said this all would be much easier if I were still a drunk. Hurtful words I’ll never forget. But something I agree with. I worry I’ll decent into terrible alcoholism if I lose my family. I know how this reads.. But I am nothing without them. I had an empty life before them.
I’m 43 she is 39. She has said to me she’s afraid if she grows any older. It will be too late to start over. She’s afraid of 40. Kids are 2, and 4. She isn’t realizing that statistically. She has very little chance of “Starting Over” She says I’m her best friend, and doesn’t want to crush us financially, so she’s looking to start some sort of career. She isn’t qualified or educated. Seems like the less luck she has in the job market, the more she resents me. Meanwhile she sat in bed for 6 years while I encouraged her to get an education. That’s another source of resentment on my part. We rarely actually fight. Although we just recently had a an ugly fight after she came home so drunk she wet the bed. I cannot allow my children to see that. Her “accident” or the fight that came of it. I fear she will get hurt when she goes out drinking like that. It’s a scary place to be. Again I’m tearing up thinking of my children. I’m terrified of her being that drunk without me around. She couldn’t take care of the children that morning. I cleaned up her piss while she slept on the couch, and the girls ask whats wrong with Mommy. That hasn’t happened much, but once is too much for me. Please understand this isn’t the woman I married.
Hi Orange. Thx for the kind words in my thread. Yep, [censored] we're going through this. I'd just like to give a couple of thoughts.
As far as I know, nobody on this planet is perfect. Everybody has done things they regret, everybody has taken their marriage/spouse for granted at one point or another, etc. I think about stupid things I've said and done over the years and it makes me sick. But for every example I can think of, I can also think of 1 or 2 (or 10) examples of my W saying or doing something even worse. Again, nobody's perfect. And who would want to be with someone that is 'perfect'? So don't beat yourself up too much about stuff you regret. Guaranteed your W has her regrets too, although she may never admit them to you.
I'll drink alcohol once every week or two, although I do drink too much on some of those occassions. W could probably be considered an alkie, as she drinks literally every night. But I don't blame you for having resentments about her drinking, especially as it relates to the kids. One time when our son was around 5 or 6, I got completely hammered and couldn't get off the couch the next day. I felt so bad when my son wanted to play all day, and I just couldn't. I vowed never to let that happen again. On the other hand, W has no issues with sleeping till noon on the weekends. Fortunately our son is old enough now to entertain himself, but when he was younger, my W's drinking/sleeping was a big problem for me. Regardless of your relationship status, your W needs to realize that kind of stuff is unacceptable. Hopefully it was just a one time thing.
GAL is the most difficult thing for most of us, especially when we have kids. Every time I go out and do something, I feel like I'm abandoning my kid or something. But as others will tell you, it needs to be done. Hell, even play 9 holes of golf after work or something. Not only will that give you a break, it'll 'force' your W to handle the kids alone, perhaps thinking of what life will be without you?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
And you did not cause this. She did, for reasons that even she does not understand, let alone you.
Originally Posted by mrorange
I worry I’ll decent into terrible alcoholism if I lose my family. I know how this reads.. But I am nothing without them. I had an empty life before them.
Please get into IC asap. The IC must be skilled in issues related to alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease that can be treated.
You are differentiated from everyone else, whether you realize it or not. You have plenty to give. Even if your M does not survive, you need to be there for your children and for yourself, so you must redefine yourself - you are everything and more without your current wife. If the M survives, you will do everything to make it better. Even if it does not, become the best version of yourself because both you and your kids need that.
