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MA1970 Offline OP
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Thanks Terrapin & DnJ
Originally Posted by DnJ
e word “but”. It is concatenating multiple views together and reinforcing attachment. Detachment starts by identifying and individualizing one’s thoughts, which one then expresses/reinforces in/with one’s speech. This then influences one’s emotions and beliefs.

Untie H, his behaviour, trashy OW, and her behaviour from your big bright life, world, and future. “My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger.” Absolutely! Do not detract from, nor diminish, your accomplishments and gains.

Separate thoughts. Separate sentences and paragraphs. With such organizing, you can strengthen your positive thoughts, and let go/detach the other a little easier.

You are so very wise. I've been catching myself with the buts and need to pay more attention. I love what you're saying and will have a go straight away.

I'm going to Dubai with D for a week on hols. My first solo trip. My son is off to Greece on a lads holiday at the same time! Looking forward toy adventures


H - 52 Me -53
M - 20yrs T - 26 yrs
S 19, D 16
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Weekly check in. I hope its OK to do these? It just feels like I have some accountability & a chance to get pulled up on anything that might need tweaking. I hope at some point to have some wisdom to help others at the start of their journey too. Not quite there yet though!

GAL activity - going regularly to the gym & I've now worked out a routine for myself. Had friends round on Friday night & we agreed to book an open lake water swim when I'm back from hols. I never would have done this previously because I would have been too body conscious. I've lost a lot if weight since BD in Feb but am also of the opinion "who cares" if I want to try it then I should. I've been online chatting to an old friend (male) from many years ago. This has been nice & we facetimed last week. We live in different countries but its nice to reconnect. On Saturday, I went out with girlfriends to a cocktail bar. We stayed with the owner after hours for a lock in and I was dancing and having fun. It was nice to have some male attention. I'm definitely still of the opinion though that I need to feel comfortable in my own company before any future relationships.

Detaching- this is getting easier. H is still no contact but I had to message him last week because our video doorbell needed a code for me to use on my new phone. I asked H to transfer to me but he wouldn't & just gave me the code. Equally, he is still avoiding giving me my front door key back. I'm not rising to his games & plan to get the locks changed on the house. I still get very upset that he has chosen OW over me but I'm confident this does not reflect on my looks, personality or values. It reflects on his need to escape from himself. I'm sure I'll have more bad days to come but this week has been good.

Once again, thanks for all the guidance. On the good days, its good. On the bad days, I just take it one hour at a time and know that I can choose to be different in the next hour.


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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning MA

It’s fine to post at whatever cadence you wish.

I agree with you changing the locks on the house. May I suggest you simply replace the doorbell as well. You cannot remove the owner of the device. Even if sold, the previous owner must delete the device from their account before it can be setup as your own. You can request from the company, removal of the device from the previous owner’s account in times of death and such, which requires paperwork, legal proof, etc. Seems like a lot of effort in this case. For the price of the around hundred bucks, if H won’t give you ownership, remove the doorbell and install a new one.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thanks DnJ, good advice & I'll look into doing all that when I'm back from hols.

Another quick query if it's all right to ask? D finished high school today. I've taken photos & she's sent me some from school. I'm unsure if I should send them to H? I asked my daughter if she would send some to her dad and her reply was "if he asks, don't think he'll be that interested really". I just think if it was me, I would want to have a record of her big occasions & I don't want to seem petty that I get to experience it but he doesn't? Or will sending him photo's come across like that? Aarrgghhh!! I'm overthinking & not done that for a while. Any advice?


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Good Morning MA

No worries, your queries are fine.

Pictures. I get it, I overthought so many things along my journey.

Send H a copy of the pictures. They are likely all digital, so just email them to him. Include only a simple and to the point sentence or two. (For example: H, I’ve forwarded the pictures of <daughter’s name> graduation ceremony and some other poses.)

Let daughter know that you sent a copy of the pictures. Note, that’s sent, not thinking of sending. It’s after the fact in this case. You are not looking to get into a discussion or argument with D regarding her Dad. Other times and for other things you do and would ask for her input. All part of gently steering one’s kids. Leading by example.

Five years ago, my son’s high school graduation pictures were shared with W by me. And she shared her pictures with me. This year, son’s university convocation pictures are up to him to share with his “no show up to the event” mom. She was back and forth with texts and phone calls for weeks, asking son if she had to be there. She then decided to go. Then a week before, made further plans to go out for lunch after to celebrate. Then literally two days before the ceremony, she cancelled. She told son she isn’t going to attend. Her exact words: “I cannot sit still for that long.” So, in the end, she didn’t show. No lunch. Nothing. I’ve no conformation that anyone has forwarded any pictures to her. I suspect she’s likely pulled some pictures down from social media.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thanks for your thoughts DnJ, they're helpful & the added sentence was definitely along the line I was thinking. I'm in virtually no contact other than absolute necessity around the kids (probably x2 text in past 6 weeks). I don't want to encourage more dialogue with him but want to do the fair thing.

I'm sorry about your W. I know you're detached and have moved on emotionally. It's hard to comprehend the person you lived & married is the same person & you just feel for your children. You're definitely someone to aspire to though & thank goodness your children have had you around. You've helped me enormously since February. Thank you


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Weekly check in & questions.

Check in - D & I are at the end if a fabulous week away to a luxury hotel in Dubai. I have never felt so pampered & have thoroughly enjoyed my time away. Had intended on going to the hotel gym (even bought new trainers) but we have just chilled in the sun and eaten good food. Its been bliss until yesterday! I have no contact with H, which is to my benefit in terms of detaching. However D has been getting increasing number of texts whilst we are away. She said they are asking about me, our hols, reminiscing, telling her to tell me about memories. I figure this is all anchor checking & D has responded really well by just acknowledging what he asks bit not really answering. My S has been looking after our pet & he went on his own holiday yesterday & H was popping in for 3 days am & pm to feed the cat. He did this once before at the beginning and it was OK. Not this time!!

Looking at the video doorbell, H appears to have stayed at our house all yesterday & overnight. He was in and out of his car taking things in & taking things out. I've no idea what some were but he definitely had change if clothes, shower toiletries & his washing!!! He has not asked if he can do this & I felt very annoyed last night that he can presume free use of the house. He no longer pays towards our mortgage but legally is still able to do this as he's joint owner. He has phoned in work sick with anxiety & depression (he does this when faced with his actions and cannot bury his head in the sand).

Question - What is this all about? Is it anchor checking? Part of depression? Wanting to stamp his rights on the house? I've not been in touch so theoretically he doesn't know I'm aware he's there. Logically, he knows we have a video doorbell and I have access to it. Feels like he's baiting me? How should I respond? D's prom is this week & I don't want to cause upset before the prom. Should I just ignore it & get the locks changed & not have him pet sit in the future? Should I confront him & lay my boundaries down? Any advice?


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Why worry so much on the motivations and movements of someone who doesn’t worry about you?

As long as nothing was damaged, forget about it. Don’t bring it up, don’t try and interpret what it means… just get on with your life.

What do you think would be more attractive to him?
a) someone who confronts him and makes a big deal out of it
b) someone who seems so busy and happy she doesn’t even notice?

You should have got the locks changed two weeks ago when you first thought of it.

Doorbell - if he won’t allow you to have control of it, buy a new one. Take the old one off and put it in a box somewhere.

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Hi Kind, I've taken a little time to reflect & have a think about your comments. My primary emotion isn't worry about his motivation. I think it probably comes back to the control. If I can figure out the motive, I feel more able to consider my response. I genuinely don't feel thrown by what he's done & bizarrely enough I'm not even angry about it. I'm just curious as to why do it?

I will get the locks changed. It was arranged that he would look after the cat so didn't want to change them till he'd done the cat sitting. He offered to do this to save cattery fees but moving forward, I'm just going to pay the cattery fees.

Doorbell is on the list!

This week is all go with D's prom so trying to stay focused on that


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S 19, D 16
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Good on you.

They all sound like measured, reasonable, emotionless responses.

Well done!

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