Haven’t posted in a while, been a busy few weeks. Went back to work, d13 had 8th grade “graduation” ceremony, and s17 graduated high school. D13’s travel softball season is in full swing , so weekends are booked for the next two months. R has been “good”. Things between us are going well, I just have the nagging feeling that eventually the other shoe is going to drop. No change as far as W agreeing to any type of therapy, still wants to sweep everything under the rug and move on. FIL has gotten worse and she wants him to move in with us. He is wheelchair bound and cannot do anything for himself. Even with a home healthcare provider during the day, that will put a lot on us. I fear that our R won’t survive it. I think him coming here is a bad idea. He needs more care than we are equipped to provide. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I also worry that she is being untruthful about us because of the situation with FIL. I will just keep on keeping on and do the best I can for now. The future looks tough and not so good if I’m being honest. W is already super stressed about her dad. I think if things don’t get better for him she won’t be able to handle it. Hopefully I’m wrong. I don’t just mean us, I think she will have a terrible time dealing with losing him. I worry about her.
I agree, having FIL, especially given how infirm he is, will place a lot of stress upon the household.
Years ago, I had my parents live with us for four months. They had moved to our town and I was renovated their new home to make it wheelchair accessible. Basically, gutted the place and built the interior with a design for older people. With wife, four kids, a home run daycare, and my parents under one roof - that was a long four months.
Dad and Mom lived in their home for some years until Dad’s condition worsened to the point he required more care than the home care nursing program was able to provide. Holidays were really problematic, as well as storm bound days when roads were closed.
All home care situations need a backup plan, which was Mom or me. As Mom aged she became less and less able-bodied as well. And with work, or me away on vacation, things could get pretty bad pretty quick.
The real impetus of moving Dad to the care home came when his transferring out of bed became dangerous and truly more than he could do. He continually hurt himself dragging along the wheels and other edges, instead of lifting himself over such. Moving into a care facility was not wanted by him, yet not lost upon him either.
Nowadays, he is fine living there. Visits me and/or Mom when he wants. Gets out and wheels around town. And has around the clock care and help when needed.
From what you wrote, it sounds like FIL’s prognosis is not completely grim. Although, he may not be as able to live in the home environment as he used to. Does W have siblings or is she alone on these kind of decisions/discussions? It’s a difficult topic to discuss with one’s affected parent.
I do understand your feelings of being between a rock and a hard place. You and W do need to openly discuss FIL living with you and W. Discussing openly is not quite W’s forte at the moment. Therefore, it’s likely going to fall upon you to initiate and somewhat lead/move it along. Be gentle and upfront. A clear statement of what is needed to discuss will set the guidelines and tone - just opening a discussion of concerns and options. Lots of empathy and understanding will hopefully help facilitate reaching W.
Keep the conversation safe and compassionate and about FIL and his care. What he can do, and what he cannot. What he requires, and what you and home care can provide. Gather the positives of him living there as well as the challenges. Do the same for other locations/ideas. The best path forward should come into focus with such input.
Hope that helps Mike.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
D- Problem is FIL basically can’t do anything for himself. He can’t feel his hands or feet. He is dependent upon someone for the most basic things. W just assumes she/we can care for him. We only can to a point. My BIL is useless, been that way his whole life. MIL can barely take care of herself. It’s a bad deal all around. I love my FIL like I would a biological father, mine sucked. I understand what needs to happen, W is too emotional to go there mentally right now. I’m not going to say he can’t live with us. I guess things will have to play out until she realizes he needs a nursing facility. Thanks for the advice
Been a bit so I thought I would check in. Things had been going well. W has been super attentive, almost as if it's her way of making up for all this. Problem is, suddenly I'm feeling very distant towards her. I sometimes don't want to be around her. Just spent 3 days away from home with d13 at a softball tournament. Didn't really want to talk to W when she would call and didn't have that old feeling like I used to when returning home from a trip. I sometimes feel anxious when she gets home and when we go to bed at night. Last night was the worst. I was laying in bed feeling like my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I don't like feeling this way. It makes me wonder if I'm on the verge of my own bd. It's definitely not what I want. I honestly don't know what to do about it.
Been a bit so I thought I would check in. Things had been going well. W has been super attentive, almost as if it's her way of making up for all this. Problem is, suddenly I'm feeling very distant towards her. I sometimes don't want to be around her. Just spent 3 days away from home with d13 at a softball tournament. Didn't really want to talk to W when she would call and didn't have that old feeling like I used to when returning home from a trip. I sometimes feel anxious when she gets home and when we go to bed at night. Last night was the worst. I was laying in bed feeling like my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I don't like feeling this way. It makes me wonder if I'm on the verge of my own bd. It's definitely not what I want. I honestly don't know what to do about it.
If you were to pinpoint it...
What exactly is bothering you ??
I kinda have my theory, just curious as to yours : )
Don’t be in a rush to make any big decisions or snap at her.
If you need some space, make some space while you breathe.
Perhaps some IC would get to the bottom of what’s troubling you?
My guess is that you desperately wanted this marriage saved and would have done anything to make it so. But now things have been on the improve, you’re having trouble falling back into the arms of someone who treated you so badly. It’s why a lot of those here that have made it to reconciliation and piecing are quick to warn it’s no picnic, and sometimes takes many years for feelings to return.
This person hurt you. The stomped on your heart and showed no care or concern when you were absolutely broken. But now she expects to just fall back into your arms? How can you trust someone who proved themselves and their vows to be so untrustworthy?
They’re all completely reasonable questions for you to be asking, so don’t feel bad. There’s no fairy tale ending after bomb day, even if you reconcile. Perhaps the heart pounding at night and fear of coming home to her is because you feel trapped? You’re getting what you always craved - but now it’s not the same as before and you feel stuck?
Thanks for sharing your feelings with the site and trusting us.
Just breathe, stay calm, try some mindfulness - and seek out some IC.
In the moment I'm not thinking anything except the need to get away. If I were to guess I would say it stems from the inaction on her part and as Kind said, lack of trust on my part. Definitely not looking to make any decisions, just putting thoughts into "words" and seeing how it reads. As Kind also said, sometimes I think about her actions and her lack of remorse for the most part. I know she feels remorse, she just doesn't show it very well. The thing is, I can't imagine blowing up my family the way she almost did even with these new doubts. I just want to figure it out and start a new life. As a family. W included.
