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Originally Posted by Boat14
I think at best you’re plan B as she searches for OM2. I know it sounds harsh but that’s the reality of it. What’s the plan moving forward as far as IC/MC is concerned? The affair can not be swept under the rug. For you to have a successful relationship you have to see each other as people of value. Not a consolation prize until your son is of age.

Keep GAL like a mad man and really start to think if this is what you want moving forward.

I don't think she is looking for an OM2 right now. She will probably continue with me until she has found enough excuses to defect once again. And at that point, she might look for an OM2. I am planning to bring up IC/MC issue next week.

I am GAL'ing to my satisfaction. But I have not started thinking about what I should be doing about the MR in the future. Been putting it off because it is a tough subject.

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When it comes to WWs they have no shortage of reasons to end a marriage. As for actively seeking OM2 you would be surprised on how calculating a WW can be when they want out. For this to workout long-term it has to be difficult and you have to be willing to make it difficult for her. If not at best you are kicking the can down the road. It’s very difficult to turn around a WW without them hitting rock bottom first. Read Terrapins thread for good insight on bomb number 2.

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Originally Posted by PeterB
Originally Posted by Boat14
I think at best you’re plan B as she searches for OM2. I know it sounds harsh but that’s the reality of it. What’s the plan moving forward as far as IC/MC is concerned? The affair can not be swept under the rug. For you to have a successful relationship you have to see each other as people of value. Not a consolation prize until your son is of age.

Keep GAL like a mad man and really start to think if this is what you want moving forward.

I don't think she is looking for an OM2 right now. She will probably continue with me until she has found enough excuses to defect once again. And at that point, she might look for an OM2. I am planning to bring up IC/MC issue next week.

I am GAL'ing to my satisfaction. But I have not started thinking about what I should be doing about the MR in the future. Been putting it off because it is a tough subject.


We've seen this reluctancy in truly recommitting back to the marriage after an affair before from WASs. Almost always they are biding their time until the OP has a change of heart, or OM2 comes along. WW in particular have a way of attracting no end of losers. It's a sad reality whether she's actively on the prowl or not.

The good news is that none of it matters. You just keep DBing. Focus completely off of her. Look up "self differentiation in marriage". That's your new normal.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
We've seen this reluctancy in truly recommitting back to the marriage after an affair before from WASs. Almost always they are biding their time until the OP has a change of heart, or OM2 comes along. WW in particular have a way of attracting no end of losers. It's a sad reality whether she's actively on the prowl or not.

The good news is that none of it matters. You just keep DBing. Focus completely off of her. Look up "self differentiation in marriage". That's your new normal.


I have been reading up on Self-Differentiation. The first step is to be highly self-aware IMHO - something that I am still working on. She has no one to help her - her close confidant friends are obviously in a faux protective mode, her brother & mom aren't going to give her any good advice about MR or self-improvement and her IC is still the same one who aided her towards BD. She does not have the personality type to forget, or forgive - she tends to do the opposite, which is to write vicious messages (mostly on grievances that make no sense to me) and read them later to keep them top of mind as if they are trophies she should not let go. She has in fact told me that she wants to 'forget' and 'move on' but I doubt her intentions are sincere. Even so, she is still putting in material actions to improve the relationship, like cooking sometimes, random cuddling/kissing, trying to discuss day-to-day things, planning dates, etc. These material actions are a step in the right direction, but their efficacy is limited IMHO because of unresolved deep-lying issues.

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Her viciousness has returned in the last two days.

- She yelled at me for opening a box of chocolates in our pantry that she had planned to gift to a friend of hers. Of course, she told me that she had gotten it for us and never told me that she planned to give it to her friend. The chocolates are absolutely bad, but she tells me that now I must finish the whole box for being so inconsiderate to her friend.

- She yelled at me at a high-end restaurant for starting to eat too soon, before taking a good picture of her with the food (not true - I took at least 10 pictures but she says I am more interested in starting to eat than take photos - shows how inconsiderate I am about her dressing up for the dinner), went on about how incompatible we are that there is nothing to talk about, no wonder she had decided to D.

- She asked about training with my personal trainer. I told her that my personal trainer is becoming ineffective so I might have to change, and she took that opportunity to accuse me in front of our kid that I am trying to discourage her from training. By mistake I replied sharply (did not raise my voice) that she should feel free to find any trainer for any kind of training that she wants - it just does not matter to me. She blew her fuse and started repeating things like I was faking everything, I had gone back to who I was, I was being 'abusive' to her etc. I told her to stop saying all that in front of our kid and said I am leaving this space. She shouted, "Get out" and that was it.

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Sounds like she is trying to force you to file and look like the bad guy. The way to combat is to give her more space than she could ever want. When she’s home you are out GAL. Keep holding on your boundaries that she will not disrespect you in anyway. It’s going to be a long tough road either way my friend. I’m sorry.

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It's been 6 months since my last update. Things have not looked up since. She gets mad at me frequently for the most trivial things and in bizarre ways. For example, I am driving, and she asks me to take a turn, and it turns out it's incorrect, so I tell her that was the wrong turn. She goes ballistic and accuses me of calling her a liar, "You know you are being extremely disrespectful." She regularly threatens me that she will note down whenever "I make her mad" and then revisit it later, which will undoubtedly lead to divorce. She still refuses to see a different IC.

During these crazy episodes, I stay calm, and it often leads to me leaving the space (enforcing boundaries) or asking her to leave the room (in case I am doing something I don't want to abandon). I have informed her that her threats have no effect on me and that her reactions are not only entirely under her control but are making her far more miserable than they are making me. I keep in mind that I am not her therapist, and so I try to curb my outflow of advice. She wants me to do things for her - buy her expensive gifts (she regularly tells me that I was always much cheaper than all her friends' husbands), be physically affectionate to her frequently throughout the day, do much more around the house, etc. I know that nothing will fix her deep-seated unresolved issues, and I have also told her that I don't have the power or ability to solve her problems. I reminded her that our MR had bottomed and there was no shortcut to a wholesome, loving MR, but she seems to be very resentful that she does not have that now and that I am not really "stepping up."

She regularly belittles me, and I recognize it but do not react. She always attempts to come back by cooking something or saying something nice but then repeats her off-the-rails behavior within days. I have found myself withdrawing and losing hope, but I do not show that outside.

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PB, serious question. What are you trying to save here?


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Not sure why you’re bothering with her.

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For example, I am driving, and she asks me to take a turn, and it turns out it's incorrect, so I tell her that was the wrong turn. She goes ballistic and accuses me of calling her a liar, "You know you are being extremely disrespectful." She regularly threatens me that she will note down whenever "I make her mad" and then revisit it later, which will undoubtedly lead to divorce. She still refuses to see a different IC.

You know, there’s millions of incredible women out there who can say “I was wrong” rather than gaslighting and emotionally abusing their husband.

You seem to reiterate with pride how you force yourself to ignore her behaviour.

You might think that’s attractive, but to her, it’s not. It just makes her despise you more.

If she says “I will note it down if you make me mad”, perhaps you could suggest that will help her when she finally decides to talk about her anger issues with a therapist rather than blaming you.

Or perhaps respond with “That will mean we have log of all the times you gave me incorrect driving directions but you were unable to admit your mistake.”

There’s a very fine line between an unaffected, calm man - and being a doormat.

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Originally Posted by Kind18
You might think that’s attractive, but to her, it’s not. It just makes her despise you more.
This one statement should be burned into your brain. Do lots of research into this subject. Change your behavior.

Originally Posted by Kind18
If she says “I will note it down if you make me mad”, perhaps you could suggest that will help her when she finally decides to talk about her anger issues with a therapist rather than blaming you.

Or perhaps respond with “That will mean we have log of all the times you gave me incorrect driving directions but you were unable to admit your mistake.”
Another option is to use humor and exaggeration.

"Perfect! I will make sure to buy you a box of pens so you can keep track of everything!"

Elevate yourself so high that you can see the humor in everything. Stay in your frame, not hers.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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