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At the airport. On my way to an annual fishing trip. Excited for a short week of work and another opportunity to get away for some quality time with friends.

I’m proud of the person I have become these past 5+ months. Excited about what the future holds. I am so grateful for this forum - especially the veterans who continue to share their hard won wisdom. For anyone reading this who is down on their luck please know that this gets better.

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Good Morning URS

Enjoy the fishing trip! How far a flight is it to the fishing hole? How long you spending there?

Some quality time with good friends is so very valuable and will surely recharge your batteries.

Have a fantastic time.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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About a 4 hour flight followed by 3 hour drive. Been doing this annual trip for 15 years. We had a great time as always. Heading back today.

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W informed me that she would be back in town for a few days this week. No clue what exactly she is up to but I realize it’s none of my business and is irrelevant.

Despite the progress I have made, I still feel knocked out of equilibrium in these circumstances. I guess if I’m being honest it is because there is some part of that hopes her presence will lead to some situation where she shows up and tell me this nightmare is over. Obviously I know this is not reality. When she is thousands of miles away this fantasy does not cloud my mind.

I’m working on maintaining the resolve to stay true to myself and not reach out to her. I ask for you all to bear witness to this resolve. I know it is the right thing to do. It is not easy.

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Originally Posted by URS0
I guess if I’m being honest it is because there is some part of that hopes her presence will lead to some situation where she shows up and tell me this nightmare is over.

If anyone on this site (or any other) tells you they never had these thoughts from time to time after BD - they’re lying. It’s totally normal mate.

Don’t try to fight it or hide it. The key with managing these thoughts is to do it for a short, fixed amount of time each day (search my post about rumination on my exercise thread). You let your imagination run wild for say 10 mins, then once your time is up, you get on with your life.

You need to reframe how you think about avoiding contacting her. At the moment, you say it as if it’s something terribly hard to do and you can’t get by.

Think of avoiding contact as depositing a small amount of money in the bank each day. At some point in the future, you’ll either be back together or you’ll be divorced and happy again. Avoiding contact each day is a small deposit towards that end goal. It will actually bring you resolution (however that might look) more quickly than if you find an excuse to make contact. Making contact undoes all that good work - like withdrawing all the money you’ve been saving and gambling it away.

Fours years in, I still have the occasional dream where my ex appears, begging for forgiveness and desperately trying to win me back.

Ironically, for me now, that is not a pleasurable daydream like it once was - but a horrifying nightmare 🧟‍♀️😳🫣

Time is funny like that…

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Good Morning URS

Kind is correct. Perfectly normal to have such thoughts and feelings. Purposefully allowing a short scheduled time for such wanderings is beneficial. It regains and exerts your control and influence upon the situation.

Originally Posted by URS0
I’m working on maintaining the resolve to stay true to myself and not reach out to her. I ask for you all to bear witness to this resolve. I know it is the right thing to do. It is not easy.

Good for you. Maintain your resolve.

I want to hear how you successfully didn’t reach out or initiate any interactions for the few short days she was there.

Stay strong. Stay busy. You got this.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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I don’t want to initiate contact. She does have a pile of mail here that she somehow needs to get. I was planning on just leaving it outside (as I have previously done with keys to the 2nd car) and letting her know in an email that it is there to be picked up. I have a couple other business items to include in the email that I would batch together.

I don’t know her new address where I could mail them nor do I need to. I don’t know where she is staying here in town that I could drop them off nor do I need to. If you have any alternative ideas to what I have proposed I would be appreciate them.

Last edited by DnJ; 05/31/23 03:40 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
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If you don’t want to contact her about this can you just write return to sender and move on with your day?

Personally I’d send an email, let her know she has a week to change her address with the post office and in one week her mail will be at such and such place. Or drop them off in a relatives.


Me: 40
EX:37
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11

BD 03/06/20, divorced 12/23/21
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Hi URS

I’d not worry about her mail over the next few days. Nor worry about the business matters either. Deal with those items next week. Your mind is looking for, and will seek, things that you “need” to do in order to justify contacting her. Let it go.

This is not to be mean to her. It is for you to prove, to yourself, you can do it. And will do it!

Do whatever you’d have been doing if she wasn’t in town.


As for the pile of mail. She moved out. Right? It’s up to her to change her mailing address with her various business and personal contacts.

If you’ve never discussed anything regarding her mail or address, then next week I’d let her know you received some mail for her and she needs to change her address. This is not a new concept to her. She’s made several trips to pick up items and even a car. If you’ve discussed the mail before, just drop the mail back at the post office and tell them that this person doesn’t live here anymore.

I’d keep the business items separate from this.


By the way, how many fish did you catch?

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Originally Posted by URS0
W informed me that she would be back in town for a few days this week. No clue what exactly she is up to but I realize it’s none of my business and is irrelevant.

Despite the progress I have made, I still feel knocked out of equilibrium in these circumstances. I guess if I’m being honest it is because there is some part of that hopes her presence will lead to some situation where she shows up and tell me this nightmare is over. Obviously I know this is not reality. When she is thousands of miles away this fantasy does not cloud my mind.

I’m working on maintaining the resolve to stay true to myself and not reach out to her. I ask for you all to bear witness to this resolve. I know it is the right thing to do. It is not easy.
It is not easy at all. But absolutely required.

You are being too nice.




Originally Posted by URS0
W and I are in our late-30s. No kids.
So what I hear you saying is there is absolutely no reason that the two of you need to interact. (If you had kids, then yes, you need to interact.)


Since she has been gone, are you more attractive to women in general? What is your metrix?



I believe the best action you can take is to ghost her. Reject her completely, not in a mean or ugly way, just in a way that lets you completely heal. If she comes begging you to take her back, then you can reconsider.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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