Brave Little Gerda Passes Through the Door

[Gerda]

Amazing to hear from you, Job. Thank you for the support!

Quick update --

Fourth letter from the GF to my lawyer, so he finally replied to her that her personal relationship with H made it impossible to include her, and that the best remedy was for H to just choose a different broker. But he added that he was aware that she had contacted "the parties' children" and tried to discuss with them the sale and the impact of the sale on their lives. So finally the judge's court attorney answers that we have to file a motion to get this heard. Another $5000 down the tubes.

Amazingly, after receiving this rather alarming message, did H and GF realize it was time to back off and pull up the big-boy-and-girl pants? No. Because an hour later I got a message from the bartender that they were AT THE BAR. I guess they had a drink first and then demanded to know who had taken down the camera!!! They were literally there in a fury to collect their illegally installed equipment! The bartender, normally a very tough guy, was I guess a little confused. He didn't share any info but when H was very vehement that he needed the footage from the bar's camera to find out who did it, the bartender did not say, "Get the F out of here unless you have a warrant." So I think that H is coming back with a USB to collect the footage, not realizing that I couldn't care less if he sees it's me! I mean, I don't think it will work out very well to go to the judge complaining that Gerda noticed a camera had been installed to watch her, without her knowledge, and, terrified, she took it down.

I really didn't want my D14 to come home past that, so I called her school and went to pick her up and escort her home. Mercifully, The Greenthumb Twins were gone.

My L wanted me to wait on the restraining order until we got this issue heard by judge. I have an appointment anyway to talk about options with the domestic violence folks.

More soon! Love to you all, thank you for being there.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

Oh my. H and GF are certainly a pair. They are demanding from the establishment to acquire a copy of the surveillance to discover who removed their spy camera they installed upon his equipment. SMH.

Did you give the camera to the police, or do you still have it?

Good thing you spoke to the police and your lawyer before all this. They know the timeline of discovery and removal. If the Greendumb, er… Greenthumb Twins’ come at you about the camera removal they will incriminate themselves and likely that will be enough for the police to take some action I would think. Hopefully, that was the only device those two planted.

I’m glad you are speaking with the domestic violence folks to gather knowledge of your rights and other information. It’s likely best to go with your lawyer’s advice of waiting until the motion regarding GF as broker is heard before filing for any restraint order. Of course, if things get ramped up by H, let your lawyer and/or police know.

I hope this crazy drama doesn’t consume too much of your life and time. That you still find and craft time with son and daughter, and for walks, and enjoying sunsets, and all that good stuff.

D

[job]

Gerda,

The bartender does not have to give them any footage because they are not law enforcement, nor do they have a warrant. He is within his rights to tell them no to their request. Also, placing that camera on top of his camera is pretty bold and not even asking to do so, well...that may not be in good favor and could be considered trespassing because they didn't have permission to install it on his property.

It's good that you are meeting with the domestic violence people because everything will be documented properly. If you haven't turned the camera over yet, be sure to that you have it with you when you meet with them as evidence.

I pray that things will settle down, but both of those nuts need to get a life. The stalking is way out of hand and it's time that someone call him on it.

As for the gf, she needs to stay the heck out of the situation.

Praying that things settle down for you.

[Sage4]

Dearest Gerda,

It has been ages since I last visited here, but your story compelled me to write to you to send lots of love and support your way. I think of you often and I am so sorry to read of your never-ending story.

You have gotten some great advice from Job and DnJ (hi guys!), but another angle that I am feeling drawn to share my perspective on is this: how are you supporting your emotional and psychological health in all of this? I haven't dealt with the magnitude of what you have experienced, but even the fraction of what I have lived through has been grueling and soul-breaking.

I do so hope that you follow up with a women's DV group, not only for the legal infractions you have been navigating, but for support of the coercion and post-separation abuse you (and your children) have been living through. I know in times of survival we put our heads down and put one foot in front of the other, but the long-term consequences of surviving under such circumstances can be debilitating. I want to see Team Gerda supporting their gal as you navigate these next steps. No need to do it alone anymore. Transgressions have been made (over and over and over) and perhaps enough rope has been let out at this point in time?

Hugs, many of them,
Sage xx

[Elbereth]

Hi Sage4! Great to see you are still poking around!

Gerda, I’m glad my post helped in some way and you found it supportive.

Some advice on the restraining order. When my XH and I had to do one for his XW, the lawyers took it most seriously because it included examples that included other people that were not family. So if you are able to include written examples provided by the bartender or anyone else describing the harassment and/or abuse, that goes a long way in preventing your XH from trying to make it sound like it’s all in your head. Because that is what “they” do and with the games your XH plays, your goal is to limit those opportunities as well as protect yourself. Let us know what you find out from your conversations and what you end up doing.

Hugs to you,

El

[Gerda]

Sage oh Sage, sheer happiness at seeing your post. Hearing from you always like sitting on the front stoop with a favorite friend and a cup of tea and maybe looking up from time to time at the kids playing tag. I guess sometimes with one of us (generally me) weeping a bit. Thank you for your return from the World Beyond to lay some love on me. In fact it made a huge impact. I called the office for domestic violence in my city and now I have a caseworker and got referrals to various services including a meeting with a lawyer and a waitlist for therapy with a DV therapist. I also hired someone to be a third party for all the communications so that H and any broker he hires go through her, not me, and I just have to agree to times to leave when it's being shown. And of course all the validation that this is in fact domestic violence, which made it a tiny bit clearer to handle the ONSLAUGHT of texts I received demanding access and announcing the long days H would be spending in my place, cleaning and repairing, all the snide and sarcastic ways he told me I was violating the order to cooperate with him, many of which indicated that he and GF were watching me though I had the second camera taken down after knocking down the first one because every time I left the city -- I have to rent a car to go anywhere, load it in front of my place with dog, etc), and when I did all that and was an hour or two away from the city, he or she would message me that they had to get into the house right away for an important repair or to show the place to a buyer willing to pay three times the appraised value, and it was always right when D14 was getting home from school so that I had to get a friend to meet her and escort her inside in case they were there. I guess their goal was to build up a file of all the times I obstructed them. Just to sum up a long list of horrors in a couple of sentences. The point is that no matter how long it's been going on, and even when Sage and the caseworker remind you that this is abuse and you have to deal with it and its impact, you still always feel like you are faking it for effect in court and have to keep being reminded. (And if KML is reading this, you were right in the early days when I wouldn't listen.) The DV lawyer did confirm what my lawyer said, that it's pretty pointless to file a restraining order, even though one was very necessary in this situation, because it would go back to presiding judge who had issued this dangerous order and who would reject it.

And thank you, Elbereth, Job, DnJ, for walking with me on this rocky mountain pass, I truly appreciate your words and wisdom and advice and care so much and read them over again often.

So many shocking details have unfolded since my last post. I will just share one and then skip to the end.

One of S17's friends still works at H's place, and GF is a partner there. They told this friend that they can't trust S17 anymore because his mom had sent him to spy on them, and that it was such a shame that D and S don't know the truth about what's happening with our house. Not only horrible but pretty stupid to think that the friend wouldn't immediately call/text/chat that to S17. Actually I guess that was the point.

The latest part of the story's end -- my L managed to get the judge to agree to a lawyers-only conference that occurred yesterday. I was a wreck all night, scared that the judge would force me to have the GF as the broker! And despite my L's repeated attempts to come to a solution with H's L and despite the fact that they had the scehduled conference and we have more trial days in two weeks, H filed ANOTHER MOTION, that is number five since August. My L didn't even read it, he assumed that Judge would refuse to sign it, and was correct. Judge took the GF off the listing and told H that he just wasted 30 of the 120 days she had given him for this marketing experiment. So that was good. I was proud of D14 when I told her, she was so relieved she gave this huge smile as if I told her the happiest news of her life, which was lovely and also kind of sad, and then when I said there would be another broker for 90 days but at least it wouldn’t be GF, she said, "Oh, well maybe he can get GF's mom this time" and started laughing! She has been so anxious and depressed through this whole time that I was rather shocked to see she could laugh about it now, proud of her! (And yes, she has a great therapist and for now has cut off contact with H and GF, though she has that confusion about it I know so well.)

And the best part was that at one point the judge said, "You know, when we got this case we assumed Mrs. H was the problem. But now we see that it's Mr. H." FINALLY.

That said, she is still forcing me to go through this 90 day nightmare though I told her no bank will fund me if house is for sale and though we brought multiple testimonies from normal brokers saying that this is an unethical and potentially illegal way to do a buy out. I already have my applications in the queue and I'm just going to take the loan if any come through and hold on to to the funds so no one can say I wasn't ready. Hugely expensive and stupid way to do it, but that's where we are.

I told S17 I was so sorry that his last summer before college was playing out like this and he was so wise once again, saying that it wouldn't have that much impact, they'd just probably be showing it once a week and we could enjoy the rest of the time, since no sale would actually happen before he goes to college either way. He has more stamina than I do!

But what a wasteland, a wreckage, all for no reason. His kids are once again not speaking to him and he doesn't even reach out to them. The GF that my D liked a lot is now hated. My L told me that H owes his lawyer over 200K. All to avoid the inevitable -- a 50-50 split of the true equity in our property and huge debts. Now that I have seen H's biz records and promissory notes, it seems that he has squandered over half his equity on these debts to lawyer and biz partner even before he gets any of it!

I sent my MIL a special plant for her garden on Mother's Day. I took D14 to see her recently, and though we have almost no relationship on the phone/email, when we are together, it's kind of like old days and we don't say anything ever about the divorce or her son. So I sent her this special plant because she has been working a lot on her garden. She sent me a very nice message to thank me, with a photo of the plant, and she said, "Next time you come it will have grown huge! Love you all."

To me that is the whole point of how we walk through our journey. I started out wanting to restore my marriage, not understanding that I was dealing with far more than MLC. Obviously I never want to restore or even be in the same city as H, but I haven't become bitter and I am rarely angry though often afraid. In this last TEN years, slowly slowly I gained wisdom and worked hard through my faith and through the wisdom I got from all of you to hold on to what was best in me, to keep knowing beauty and truth and love and light. For all of you reading -- Just keep loving however you can without bitterness and protecting yourself and your kids (and your finances!) wherever you can with the whatever clarity you can muster, and allow yourself to have hope that watered by the faith and love you didn't let die, one day something good will finally have the chance to grow.

[Gerda]

Sentence above should say "at least it WOULDN'T be GF"!

(Sentence edited. DnJ)

[Gerda]

Why did I dare to think anything could go normally?

I got the email from his next choice of broker today. It is the boss/partner of his girlfriend. Same firm, same contract, same demands for access (presently slightly more politely). No way to prove that they have a referral agreement, but this is how it works, she will share the fee when I get forced to pay her to buy my own house.

This is GRUELING.

[job]

Gerda,

I am so sorry that all of this is happening to you and your family. I wish I knew what to do for you. It seems like your h is just an evil man who can't stand to see you happy and going on with your life. I'm praying for you and your family and I am hoping that God will hear my prayers and offer you some relief from this madness.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

And the best part was that at one point the judge said, "You know, when we got this case we assumed Mrs. H was the problem. But now we see that it's Mr. H."

I think that’s the best part too!

Truth, reality, positivity, hope, and such, pretty much always find a way to shine through whatever tries to obscure them. Although sometimes it can take a really long time. Perseverance and strength of character do yield their own rewards regardless. However, it is sure welcomed when karma drops in and gives a boost.

I am very happy to read how well your daughter and son are doing. Your son is a wise lad, who had some hard life lessons and found his way. And it is awesome to read that daughter actually made a joke about GF’s Mom being the next broker, and laughed about it! Both of them have grown so much, and gained so much. You absolutely are correct to be proud of them. Nice job Mom!

Years ago you offered me some words which I’m not sure you know the extent of how transformative or supportive they truly were. Many times while lost and alone those four simple words held fast and held back the darkness.

Walk in the light.

Gerda, continue to walk in the light. Regardless of the darkness and shade, H or anyone tries to throw your way, hold your head high and shine God’s love. Goodness does grow and flourish when watered by faith and love. (And a soft a squishy heart. )

D