You might FEEL like you’re struggling and doing a terrible job, but for us externally looking in, we think you’re doing a GREAT job!
It’s hard, when your own heart and emotions are tangled up, to see things clearly and objectively.
You’re only four months in. Most people only four months in, when presented with a challenging day like a birthday with no contact, probably would have cracked and messaged him. The fact that it was hard for you, but you hung tough and made the smart decision - that tells me you’re actually able to make decisions with your brain, not your broken heart. WELL DONE YOU!
It will always be hard. There’s people on this board who have been here for 10 years who probably have a sad day here and there… totally normal. What sort of un-emotional troglodyte would you be if you didn’t have feelings sometimes?
During my time, I was told by several people (both through the board and external to the board) that 12 months was a minimum amount of time to re-centre yourself. And that timing pretty much worked out perfectly for me - at 12 months, suddenly I felt a big mind-shift and really started moving forward.
Trust me when I say this - you are doing great, and it will get easier!
Also, despite all the great advice on this board, and the principles of DBing - sometimes, things just take time. Time definitely heals all wounds, just trust in that and let it happen.
If you find you start having more and more sad days, it means you need to exercise more. Exercise is heavily linked to mental health and resilience. If you feel yourself struggling, get your butt off to the gym or go for a run. A physically tired person always sleeps better, and has more emotional resilience.
Thank you so much for this confirmation Kind. I think my birthday just threw up a lot of stuff. I've been feeling better this week. D went out for tea with H on Tuesday & I noticed my emotions were reduced. I usually fire up with negative thoughts & predictions when she sees him but I didnt this week. H still seems troubled & I am certain this is a mixture of MLC & limerance. This makes me feel a little sad for him & his future. I've always been the one to look after everyone & he seems lost at sea without this. He seems to look to D(16) for guidance on what to do, which is absolute madness! I've had no contact for a few weeks now & it's helped with detachment. I am still open to saving our marriage but as time goes on and my life gets bigger, I'm starting to see that this may not be the best thing for either of us.
On the GAL front, I have really pushed my boundaries this week & auditioned for a local drama groups christmas pantomime. This is so out of my comfort zone, I can't believe I did it!! I blame the girls night in on Friday night & the wine consumed!! I told the girls that my new mantra was to push myself and say yes. Forward 2 days & I'm stood in a church hall singing the wheels on the bus go round and round!!
As ever, I cannot thank the people in this forum enough, particularly DnJ, Kind and Steve. The guidance can be tough to hear at times but follow it to the letter & you do start feeling more in control of you. I can't control anything H does & none of it makes sense. Dropping the rope for me has included stopping trying to analyse his actions & reading too much into what he says and does, looking out for a crumb of future hope. I've had to let him go & live the life he wants to live at the present time & this allows me to concentrate on living my best life. Who knows what will happen in the future but I'm 54 now so need to live in the present & have some fun!
Divorce can be a brutally hard, life-changing event.
But there’s every possibility you will look back on this time as your finest hour.
One day when you’re looking back, you’ll be immensely proud that you tried to save it, that you worked hard on your flaws, that you got out of your comfort zone to sing “The Wheels On The Bus” … and perhaps, whether your marriage is saved or not, it was the best thing that could have happened to you.
I came here four years ago, completely broken. I now look back on the last four years as the hardest, but also the best and most rewarding time of my life.
Have you seen the Shawshank Redemption?
“Get busy living, or get busy dying. That’s God damn right!”
It’s a great, uplifting movie about grit and determination and prevailing.
“The Blind Side” is also a great movie extolling the virtues of being a good human being and parent even when it’s tough.
Hi everyone. I've not posted for a week so thought I'd do a quick update, review of my GAL & seek some advice.
It's been a bank holiday weekend here in the UK & we've had lovely weather. This has been really great but has brought up lots of difficult thoughts and memories for me of happy family times. I've shed a few tears over the weekend but not uncontrollably and still tried to push myself out of my comfort zone. I just wish I could fully enjoy experiences without them triggering memories & emotions. I do know these pass & I'm getting better at allowing time for this to happen.
GAL update - I got into the pantomime chorus. Im not sure if this is a good or bad thing but definitely outside of my comfort zone! Rehearsals start in a month & I'm hoping to meet new people there. I've been gardening over the weekend. I am not a fan of gardening at all but the weeds were beginning to look like triffids so needs must! My big achievement this weekend was today when I did a BBQ for me & the kids. This was always H's job and I had to Google how to start a charcoal BBQ. I really didn't enjoy lighting it (thought I was going to set myself in fire) & waiting for the coals but the food was delicious and I felt a sense of achievement afterwards.
Kind18 - I also watched the blind side with D on Saturday & cried my eyes out all the way through. I'd forgotten what a lovely film it is so thanks for the reminder.
Reflections on my thoughts over the past week - I've realised my low confidence is about my appearance. Others tell me I'm attractive but I don't believe them and I think this can trigger my fears and sadness about being left on my own. I know a lot of this is body image related & I continue to work on this but probably do need to step up the exercise & stop avoiding joining a gym for fear of others negative judgement. Ive lost nearly 60lbs since BD so looking way better but need to tone up. This really does need to be my next GAL activity.
I have a question for those with more wisdom about all of this. I'm NC with H for the past 5 weeks. He's in touch with D & attempted to see S this week but my S told him that he doesn't want to see him till football season starts in Sept. It's D's prom at the end of June. It's a big deal for her & I want him to see her and get some photo's with her. Should I contact him to ask or leave it to D? Also, when my son passed his exams, we gave him some money. I want to do the same for D so it is fair. Should I ask him if he will pay half for this? I'm really struggling to know what is the best thing to do. I've been happy with NC but I'm aware there will be the odd thing I need to speak to him about such as increasing child maintenance in line with his recent salary increase. These are the more business side of the separation. Any thoughts and advice?
I can see you’re starting to identify your emotions as temporary, and that’s a really good thing. Negative emotions with no apparent end in sight leads to anxiety, depression, sadness, dread… and sometimes long term mental health problems. That’s why we always recommend IC here. Well done on recognising it won’t be like this forever.
Another helpful thing is to realise that this is the worst it will ever be. You’re in the hardest part of it - where you’ve been BD’d, you’ve decided to do the honourable thing and try to save it, and your husband has made it clear he doesn’t want to. You’re in the worst part right now. In six months it will be a tiny bit better. In twelve months it will be SIGNIFICANTLY better. In two years, you’ll rarely think about it.
Not only is this temporary - it will only ever get easier from where you are right now!
Gym - go for it. No more procrastinating. Walk down the street to one today and sign up. Don’t focus too much on cardio, heavy weights are actually the best for losing weight (because you keep burning calories for days after) and also best for your mental health. Find someone to go with so there’s more accountability. You’re not allowed to quit for the first 30 days, because it will take that long before you start enjoying it.
Your job is not to make him see his kids.
If your son asks about it, encourage him that it’s good to have his dad in his life. Tell your daughter she can contact her Dad and you’ll support that 100% if she wants him involved in her prom night. Sounds like your kids are old enough to make their own decisions, you just STFU and always support it if that’s what they want (or don’t).
Money gift - no, definitely don’t contact him. Give your daughter half of what you gave to son, and tell her that’s what you can afford right now. If you can afford more, then give her the full amount.
Don’t contact him, don’t interfere, but always support. That’s your job now.
The “5 weeks no contact” comment makes me think you’re perhaps struggling with that and looking for an excuse to contact him. Leave him be, until he actually WANTS to be involved in your kids’ lives, you’ll just end up hurting yourself if you try to shoe-horn him into their lives.
You can’t force other people, you’ll just end up getting hurt when it doesn’t work out. The only thing you can control and force - is you!
From my experience regarding children, graduations, weddings, gifts, and such:
It is not your job to facilitate a relationship between H and the kids. It’s your job to just not destroy it.
Their relationship is their’s. Definitely be supportive of your kids’ decisions and choices. Offer your wisdom and guidance when/if asked for it. And gently steer, be a role model, a living example.
Son seems to have his mind made up for no contact with Dad over the summer until football starts back up. If he brings this up, I’d validate, and perhaps even inquiry into why. See his reasoning. Listen to his reasons (and/or feelings) for his choice. Just reaching out, not trying to alter.
I’d talk to daughter about her upcoming graduation. See what she wants. Pictures, supper, seating arrangement, father/daughter dance, etc.
Yes, family pictures will be a nice thing to have. If D wants to inform Dad of the schedule and details of the pictures, that’s fine. If she wants you to do that, that’s good too. You simply inform H of date, time, and place. Basically, setting up an appointment.
Joint gifts are yet another causality in the relationship strife. I’d not do joint gift giving. I get that it would be nice to maintain the same amounts and the joint efforts for daughter as it was for son. Thing is, it’s not the same. So, do the best you can. I’d give daughter the full amount. She earned it. (I’m surmising a smallish size pile of cash here. You did say - some money. I’m thinking like a couple hundred bucks.)
Whatever H/Dad decides to give, or maintain, or new traditions, or not, is on him. You do you. You do for your kids.
For big ticket items, for example, say you and H bought son a car before all this. And now you want to buy daughter a car. That would have a few logistical hurdles to overcome. A conversation would be necessary.
A new repetitive expense would also require a conversation to decide allocation of responsibility for each of you. It may be 50/50, it may not be. A lot of the bigger things depend upon the legal separation agreement set forth. The smaller gifts and such are individual.
Hope that helps.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Just posting weekly update to keep me on track. The advice on NC from Kind & DnJ was really helpful & I've stuck to it.
It's been a really rough week in terms of emotions & I struggled to eat again for a few days till I regulated myself back in the present. His OW changed her profile pic on social media to one of her & him. He looked really happy & this killed me. I don't follow her (or stalk her account) but she came up on daughters feed as a potential friend & D showed me. It completely destroyed me for a few days but I then took a reality check. Its no different than the day before. I know he wants to be with her at present. I know he's happy when he's with her. I've seen a photo of it now. So what? (Except it kills Me!). It’s been the biggest emotional response for some time so shocked me a bit & threw me off track for a good few days.
GAL activity - I joined the gym!!! I hate it but I'm going. Its a cheap gym so no frills, which is quite intimidating because its full of young lads lifting weights. I went with D & although I'm not committing to Kinds every day for 30 days (holiday in 2 weeks), I'm going alternate days to my walking & this feels like a good balance.
I'm really struggling with why I feel so attached to H. My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger but I really struggle with how he could leave me for OW. She looks trashy, has no morals & he's her third man in less than a year. I think I've got a lot of old narratives about what my life should be like ie happy married wife & mum & I feel sad that this has been taken away from me by someone who doesn't measure up. I'm starting to get a little angry but the big emotions are still sadness and anxiety. I struggle with no contact at all, it feels like there's no hope & he's living his best life with no responsibility whilst I battle on through most days. I'm work in progress with distancing from my thoughts. I'm trying not to engage with my internal dialogue about whether it's true or false & just take a step back, observe my response & think I have choices about responding differently. It's really hard and I keep coming back to it feeling like play acting & when will it ever go away.
Forward planning: I've got a night out booked in at the weekend for cocktails with a few close friends. I've bought myself a new outfit & aim to look as gorgeous as I can! We'll then be on countdown to hols.
Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I really do value them all and try and incorporate everything that is advised.
Last edited by DnJ; 06/06/2302:38 PM. Reason: Corrected typos.
Just posting weekly update to keep me on track. The advice on NC from Kind & DnJ was really helpful & I've stuck to it.
It's been a really rough week in terms of emotions & I struggled to eat again for a few days till I regulated myself back in the present. His OW changed her profile pic on social media to one of her & him. He looked really happy & this killed me. I don't follow her (or stalk her account) but she came up on daughters feed as a potential friend & D showed me. It completely destroyed me for a few days but I then took a reality check. Its no different than the say before. I know he wants to be with her at present. I know he's happy when he's with her. I've seen a photo of it now. So what? (Except it kills Me!). Its been the biggest emotional response for some time so shocked me a bit & threw me off track for a good few days.
GAL activity - I joined the gym!!! I hate it but I'm going. Its a cheap gym so no frills, which is quite intimidating because its full of young lads lifting weights. I went with D & although I'm not committing to Kinds every day for 30 days (holiday in 2 weeks), I'm going alternate days to my walking & this feels like a good balance.
I'm really struggling with why I feel so attached to H. My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger but I really struggle with how he could leave me for OW. She looks trashy, has no morals & he's her third man in less than a year. I think I've got a lot of old narratives about what my life should be like ie happy married wife & mum & I feel sad that this has been taken away from me by someone who doesn't measure up. I'm starting to get a little angry but the big emotions are still sadness and anxiety. I struggle with no contact at all, it feels like there's no hope & he's living his best life with no responsibility whilst I battle on through most days. I'm work in progress with distancing from my thoughts. I'm trying not yo engage with my internal dialogue about whether it's true or false & just take a step back, observe my response & think I have choices about responding differently. It's really hard and I keep coming back to it feeling like play acting & when will it ever go away.
Forward planning: I've got a night out booked in at the weekend for cocktails with a few close friends. I've bought myself a new outfit & aim to look as gorgeous as I can! We'll then be on countdown to hols.
Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I really do value them all and try and incorporate everything that is advised.
Hi. It sounds like you're doing well. Back in my younger days, I always subscribed to the theory that you'll think about someone until the next one comes along. I'm certainly not advocating you to go hook up with someone. But a fun night out with friends, and getting some attention from other men would probably do a lot for your confidence. Again, not saying to hook up. But I went out w/ friends a few weeks ago, and it was nice to see a few women even make eye contact with me.
Just keep focusing on yourself as much as possible. There's no easy way through this, but you'll get there.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Congratulations on the gym! And the continued walking.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm really struggling with why I feel so attached to H.
A little advice. Wording. Your mind is always listening and crafting your world view.
Originally Posted by MA1970
My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger but I really struggle with how he could leave me for OW. She looks trashy, has no morals & he's her third man in less than a year.
The word “but”. It is concatenating multiple views together and reinforcing attachment. Detachment starts by identifying and individualizing one’s thoughts, which one then expresses/reinforces in/with one’s speech. This then influences one’s emotions and beliefs.
Untie H, his behaviour, trashy OW, and her behaviour from your big bright life, world, and future. “My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger.” Absolutely! Do not detract from, nor diminish, your accomplishments and gains.
Separate thoughts. Separate sentences and paragraphs. With such organizing, you can strengthen your positive thoughts, and let go/detach the other a little easier.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Forward planning: I've got a night out booked in at the weekend for cocktails with a few close friends. I've bought myself a new outfit & aim to look as gorgeous as I can! We'll then be on countdown to hols.
Yes!
Enjoy the night out with your friends.
Ah, two weeks until holidays. Any particular plans for the time off?
Have a great day MA.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
e word “but”. It is concatenating multiple views together and reinforcing attachment. Detachment starts by identifying and individualizing one’s thoughts, which one then expresses/reinforces in/with one’s speech. This then influences one’s emotions and beliefs.
Untie H, his behaviour, trashy OW, and her behaviour from your big bright life, world, and future. “My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger.” Absolutely! Do not detract from, nor diminish, your accomplishments and gains.
Separate thoughts. Separate sentences and paragraphs. With such organizing, you can strengthen your positive thoughts, and let go/detach the other a little easier.
You are so very wise. I've been catching myself with the buts and need to pay more attention. I love what you're saying and will have a go straight away.
I'm going to Dubai with D for a week on hols. My first solo trip. My son is off to Greece on a lads holiday at the same time! Looking forward toy adventures
Weekly check in. I hope its OK to do these? It just feels like I have some accountability & a chance to get pulled up on anything that might need tweaking. I hope at some point to have some wisdom to help others at the start of their journey too. Not quite there yet though!
GAL activity - going regularly to the gym & I've now worked out a routine for myself. Had friends round on Friday night & we agreed to book an open lake water swim when I'm back from hols. I never would have done this previously because I would have been too body conscious. I've lost a lot if weight since BD in Feb but am also of the opinion "who cares" if I want to try it then I should. I've been online chatting to an old friend (male) from many years ago. This has been nice & we facetimed last week. We live in different countries but its nice to reconnect. On Saturday, I went out with girlfriends to a cocktail bar. We stayed with the owner after hours for a lock in and I was dancing and having fun. It was nice to have some male attention. I'm definitely still of the opinion though that I need to feel comfortable in my own company before any future relationships.
Detaching- this is getting easier. H is still no contact but I had to message him last week because our video doorbell needed a code for me to use on my new phone. I asked H to transfer to me but he wouldn't & just gave me the code. Equally, he is still avoiding giving me my front door key back. I'm not rising to his games & plan to get the locks changed on the house. I still get very upset that he has chosen OW over me but I'm confident this does not reflect on my looks, personality or values. It reflects on his need to escape from himself. I'm sure I'll have more bad days to come but this week has been good.
Once again, thanks for all the guidance. On the good days, its good. On the bad days, I just take it one hour at a time and know that I can choose to be different in the next hour.
I agree with you changing the locks on the house. May I suggest you simply replace the doorbell as well. You cannot remove the owner of the device. Even if sold, the previous owner must delete the device from their account before it can be setup as your own. You can request from the company, removal of the device from the previous owner’s account in times of death and such, which requires paperwork, legal proof, etc. Seems like a lot of effort in this case. For the price of the around hundred bucks, if H won’t give you ownership, remove the doorbell and install a new one.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks DnJ, good advice & I'll look into doing all that when I'm back from hols.
Another quick query if it's all right to ask? D finished high school today. I've taken photos & she's sent me some from school. I'm unsure if I should send them to H? I asked my daughter if she would send some to her dad and her reply was "if he asks, don't think he'll be that interested really". I just think if it was me, I would want to have a record of her big occasions & I don't want to seem petty that I get to experience it but he doesn't? Or will sending him photo's come across like that? Aarrgghhh!! I'm overthinking & not done that for a while. Any advice?
Pictures. I get it, I overthought so many things along my journey.
Send H a copy of the pictures. They are likely all digital, so just email them to him. Include only a simple and to the point sentence or two. (For example: H, I’ve forwarded the pictures of <daughter’s name> graduation ceremony and some other poses.)
Let daughter know that you sent a copy of the pictures. Note, that’s sent, not thinking of sending. It’s after the fact in this case. You are not looking to get into a discussion or argument with D regarding her Dad. Other times and for other things you do and would ask for her input. All part of gently steering one’s kids. Leading by example.
Five years ago, my son’s high school graduation pictures were shared with W by me. And she shared her pictures with me. This year, son’s university convocation pictures are up to him to share with his “no show up to the event” mom. She was back and forth with texts and phone calls for weeks, asking son if she had to be there. She then decided to go. Then a week before, made further plans to go out for lunch after to celebrate. Then literally two days before the ceremony, she cancelled. She told son she isn’t going to attend. Her exact words: “I cannot sit still for that long.” So, in the end, she didn’t show. No lunch. Nothing. I’ve no conformation that anyone has forwarded any pictures to her. I suspect she’s likely pulled some pictures down from social media.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for your thoughts DnJ, they're helpful & the added sentence was definitely along the line I was thinking. I'm in virtually no contact other than absolute necessity around the kids (probably x2 text in past 6 weeks). I don't want to encourage more dialogue with him but want to do the fair thing.
I'm sorry about your W. I know you're detached and have moved on emotionally. It's hard to comprehend the person you lived & married is the same person & you just feel for your children. You're definitely someone to aspire to though & thank goodness your children have had you around. You've helped me enormously since February. Thank you
Check in - D & I are at the end if a fabulous week away to a luxury hotel in Dubai. I have never felt so pampered & have thoroughly enjoyed my time away. Had intended on going to the hotel gym (even bought new trainers) but we have just chilled in the sun and eaten good food. Its been bliss until yesterday! I have no contact with H, which is to my benefit in terms of detaching. However D has been getting increasing number of texts whilst we are away. She said they are asking about me, our hols, reminiscing, telling her to tell me about memories. I figure this is all anchor checking & D has responded really well by just acknowledging what he asks bit not really answering. My S has been looking after our pet & he went on his own holiday yesterday & H was popping in for 3 days am & pm to feed the cat. He did this once before at the beginning and it was OK. Not this time!!
Looking at the video doorbell, H appears to have stayed at our house all yesterday & overnight. He was in and out of his car taking things in & taking things out. I've no idea what some were but he definitely had change if clothes, shower toiletries & his washing!!! He has not asked if he can do this & I felt very annoyed last night that he can presume free use of the house. He no longer pays towards our mortgage but legally is still able to do this as he's joint owner. He has phoned in work sick with anxiety & depression (he does this when faced with his actions and cannot bury his head in the sand).
Question - What is this all about? Is it anchor checking? Part of depression? Wanting to stamp his rights on the house? I've not been in touch so theoretically he doesn't know I'm aware he's there. Logically, he knows we have a video doorbell and I have access to it. Feels like he's baiting me? How should I respond? D's prom is this week & I don't want to cause upset before the prom. Should I just ignore it & get the locks changed & not have him pet sit in the future? Should I confront him & lay my boundaries down? Any advice?
Why worry so much on the motivations and movements of someone who doesn’t worry about you?
As long as nothing was damaged, forget about it. Don’t bring it up, don’t try and interpret what it means… just get on with your life.
What do you think would be more attractive to him? a) someone who confronts him and makes a big deal out of it b) someone who seems so busy and happy she doesn’t even notice?
You should have got the locks changed two weeks ago when you first thought of it.
Doorbell - if he won’t allow you to have control of it, buy a new one. Take the old one off and put it in a box somewhere.
Hi Kind, I've taken a little time to reflect & have a think about your comments. My primary emotion isn't worry about his motivation. I think it probably comes back to the control. If I can figure out the motive, I feel more able to consider my response. I genuinely don't feel thrown by what he's done & bizarrely enough I'm not even angry about it. I'm just curious as to why do it?
I will get the locks changed. It was arranged that he would look after the cat so didn't want to change them till he'd done the cat sitting. He offered to do this to save cattery fees but moving forward, I'm just going to pay the cattery fees.
Doorbell is on the list!
This week is all go with D's prom so trying to stay focused on that
Your week away sounded great! Sun, good food, and pampered. D probably loved it too!
As for H, these folks can display some bizarre behaviours.
Originally Posted by MA1970
What is this all about? Is it anchor checking? Part of depression? Wanting to stamp his rights on the house?
Likely a bit of each, and more.
For sure H has periods of being depressed. And walking around a house he used to live in, feeling those ghost of older/different times, would stir plenty within him.
I’d suspect he got a big dose of feeling the loss of you and the M, something most spouses run from and do not face. As you said, H does tend to bury his head in the sand when he can get away with it.
The inquires H made regarding you, through daughter, sounds like anchor checking. Trying to see, trying to ensure, you are still upon the shelf. Of course, you haven’t been upon a shelf for quite some time. You are living, and not at his beck and call. The leaving spouse often expecting / assuming the LBS will pine for them. You having a luxury vacation likely skewed his view of things.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Logically, he knows we have a video doorbell and I have access to it. Feels like he's baiting me?
He could be. However, my gut “feels” like H would be more overt in effort to elicit a response from you. I think you may just be seeing how bizarre his life is. (The unvarnished glimpses into my XW’s life and her behaviour makes one’s head shake in bewilderment.)
Originally Posted by MA1970
How should I respond? D's prom is this week & I don't want to cause upset before the prom. Should I just ignore it & get the locks changed & not have him pet sit in the future? Should I confront him & lay my boundaries down? Any advice?
How to respond. Firstly, and most importantly, daughter’s prom!
Then…
Yes, ignore it, and get the doorbell changed. And I’d not ask H to pet sit in the future. Make other arrangements for kitty’s care.
In my opinion, this specific incident is not boundary worthy. Save such for if/when disrespectful behaviours occur.
I agree with Kind, you are doing well; measured, reasonable, and thought out responses/actions. You are in control of you!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks so much DnJ & Kind. I do feel I'm getting the hang of this now.
There has been more shenanigans yesterday (our 21st anniversary). Surprisingly, I wasn't upset by the date at all & didn't really spend much time thinking about it. However, H came round unexpectedly. He stayed for around 90mins. Said he was there because he didn't want it to be awkward at D's prom pics. It wouldn't have been awkward anyway!
H started saying he wanted to acknowledge the date (our anniversary). He apologised for not contacting me on my birthday in May and said he hadn't known what to do. He's going for IC and seems to find this helpful. He told me a little about it & I think they've got him spot on - avoidant personality stemming from abandonment issues in childhood. I told him I was really pleased he was having therapy and this will really help him be a different person in his relationship with OW. He said he could tell I've worked on me & I'm a different person. I agreed and said it's good that we can both be different within our next relationships. H then teared up saying he doesn't like me talking about future relationships. He still cares about me etc etc. I validated his feelings saying we had a lot of years yogether and it's understandable he would feel like he does. He then asked me directly if I still cared about him. I said I do care, you're the father of our children and we had a lot of happy years together. It's sad that it hasn't worked out but I hope we can both have happy futures. There was a lot of other stuff said. Him, asking me days and dates when I'm going out etc. I was calm throughout & happy with how I conducted myself but also noticed that it really didn't affect me. When he went to leave, he pulled me into a cuddle & hung on for grim death. He said I smelt nice & I just didn't reply. Said goodbye & genuinely felt OK. He text on the night to say it was really good to see & speak to me today. I didn't reply but will be seeing him again today for prom pics. No idea what's going on & don't really care either. Just odd after a few months of no contact & then this past weekend where he basically moved back into house to catsit without permission (he also apologised about that & I asked him to seek permission in the future because it is no longer his home)
It's all a bit odd, like DnJ said, possibly a bit of a lot of things. I'm not reading anything into it though. Today is about my baby girl having the best day at her prom
Last edited by DnJ; 06/30/2301:21 PM. Reason: Corrected a typo.
Morning all, its been a couple of weeks since I posted. I've been feeling much more content and settled. Getting on with my life with little time spent thinking about H & really enjoying life. I feel happier than I've been in a long time, even before BD and genuinely think that everything that has happened in the last 7 months was meant to be. I hadn't realised how unhappy I'd been in the marriage, I just kept giving to everyone else & had very little left to give to me.
I'm in a bit of a dilemma & would value your thoughts. H contacted me yesterday via text asking if he could meet me today. At the same time, he text our friends (who have supported me through this & been brilliant in guiding me not to fall for his lies). I sat on the message & then replied several hours later saying I was busy till 3pm & would ketchup him know today if I had time to meet. In the meantime, he has met with our friend who has told me his relationship with AP has ended. He told our friend it just fizzled out because he wasn't fully engaged with her. His mind was still with me. I tend to think this is more lies! I'm meeting our friends later to get the full story & I'm also going to message him saying I need time before me & him meet.
This has completely messed with my head. It's been all I wanted for many months. However, I'm not sure it's what I want now. I really do feel my life has been happier without him in it for the past couple of months. I'm in a settled routine, I'm going out & enjoying life. I don't think I even want to take it steady & piece (is that what you call it?). Any thoughts on how I handle meeting up with him? I do genuinely care for him & don't want anything bad to happen to him. I'm also worried that I might make the wrong decision. I just feel I need more time on my own being single.
I just feel I need more time on my own being single.
.
Hi MA, So nice to read your latest update, I feel like we are on the same path and timeframe however you are miles ahead of my headspace/heart. While I don’t have the most amazing advice I think you answered your own question right here. Everyone on here always says how sometimes the WAS come running back and by then the LbS are moving on.
Trust your instinct. I think that’s one thing I have learnt in all of this. While I am quite a long way behind where you are, I am striving to be in a really balanced and grounded position hopefully soon so IF my H decides to pull a similar stunt I can make the best decision for me and my kids.
I think if it was me I would be making H life pretty darn difficult. My H has some serious bridges to rebuild and some serious trust to rebuild. We have to remember our old marriage is long gone and dead. We never step back into that. It has to be a whole new one.
Remember this happened FOR you not to you. And it seems to me you have absolutely succeeded in how you can grow and become better from this.
While I can’t give you any advice as I haven’t been there ( I’m still stuck atm) I think your gut intuition is spot on. You’re not ready and you don’t trust him yet!!!
I’m so in awe of you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻amazing job
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Thank you Pattnee, I follow your journey too & recognise the ups and downs & general craziness!
I've heard from friends who met H yesterday & he's pretty much repeating what he said the last time he tried to return. The only difference us that his relationship is over. He says it was mutual & she was like a drug to him that he was addicted to but gradually realised its me he loves & would like our relationship to work. I don't believe a word. I think she has ended it with him, probably because he's becoming dependent, possessive & jealous. Who knows? I guess it's just a waiting game to see where he goes from here?
I have the luxury of time & genuinely feel no urgency to do anything until I can decide what I want to do. I've arranged to see him on Wednesday on neutral territory to hear what he has to say. I won't be making any quick decisions though. My plan is to thank him for telling me what he has to say & being honest in that I don't know what I want and need time.
I would say MA that H needs to work pretty darn hard to rebuild all the trust he has damaged especially his boomerang moments when he is Lonely and been dumped( let’s be honest that’s what’s likely happened here) You are truly an inspiration to me for the way you handle yourself now and I can only hope I am in the same state soon. Listen to your gut. Make him sweat for the longest time possible
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Thanks Pattnee for your lovely words. I absolutely don't know about the inspiration stuff. It's a damn hard journey but the people on here have kept me on the straight and narrow. I'm still learning & still seeking support for specific things that arise (hence latest post)
I think I've said to you before that your situation is harder than mine in many respects because your H is so present in your lives. My real change and proper detachment came when mine went no contact. It allowed me to fully focus on me without the constant triggers to the trauma he had caused. I used this time to build up my own life resources, which ultimately have led to me feeling happy. It's an emotion that has been absent in my life for a long time, sadly long before BD, which does lead me to reflect on BD not being the worst thing ever but an opportunity for growth and self discovery.
H has contacted me this morning to cancel our meet on Wednesday. He said he doesn't want to hurt me more & needs more time. I think this is also a sign of his own IC having an impact. I don't feel sad or churned up that he has cancelled. I just hope he has the support that I've had to help him work through the loss of his affair relationship breakdown. I think once he's over his limerance then his real work will begin when he fully processes everything he has given up for the affair. I worry about the impact of this on his mental health.
I genuinely think you're doing fantastic Pattnee & you are learning from all your little blips. Keep reflecting, keep being open to change and remembering that time is on your side. Nothing is forever. 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in each hour. Just focus on small chunks of time on the bad days. Sending hugs
Thanks MA for your kind words. Yes it certainly has been different for me because he has been so present. It was so hard to navigate. I may have been a complete shamble if he went zero contact but who knows.
I can def see all the things I have done wrong. I wasn’t firmer on my boundaries, let him come and go as he pleased really and seesaw between giving me hope ( false hope it seems now) with spending time together then ripping it all away. It certainly has been a journey.
I have started to implement some boundaries( which I don’t think have gone down too well as he has stormed off a few times) I read something ages ago about ways that can really turn a separation around is attraction, connection and good separation boundaries. Well I think I did the GAL and the attraction ok but absolutely failed in the boundaries and maybe even the connection.
Now I am in a position where I don’t even know how to act around H without coming across angry or mean) Goodness me what a balance act.
I think that’s such a positive step for your H to recognise he isn’t ready to talk as he doesn’t want to hurt you. He’s actually thought enough about your well-being first. ( or so we hope) What a big move to actually acknowledge that and acknowledge the previous hurt he caused you. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things at the moment and how amazing to rediscover yourself
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
P5 what are some of the boundaries you have recently implemented. How did you decide on them and what did you do and say to establish and reinforce them?
So the latest update in the world of crazy MLC/limerant H!
I didn't meet him last week because he cancelled after getting back together with OW. Son & daughter were forthright with their comments to him about messing me about when I'm moving on. I just stayed out of it & focused on me. I didn't experience any strong feelings no sadness, no anger if anything, there was just a little pity about what his life has become. He went to a festival with OW & her kids last weekend. I'm due to go on holiday with daughter & my parents/sister etc tomorrow.
8am this morning he turns up at the house. Son answered door & he left him outside while he got me. H came in said Son had told him I was happy & moving on. He doesn't want to mess me about and realises that he has been doing this. Cares deeply for me... always will... Thinks he should give me a clean break & divorce. I said if that's what you want then you need to sort it out. He said he wouldn't take anything, wants it to be amicable, wants us to be friends. I said I wouldn't sell the house till kids left home & he agreed. H then teared up saying how he still cares & knows that I still care about him too etc. I just validated saying 27 years together is a long time. Its understandable that there will still be feelings.
I said it was an odd time to come round to discuss something so big and it would have been better to arrange a time to meet instead of the morning before I go away on holiday but I thanked him for being reasonable & said I'll leave that for you to sort if that's what you want. He then left with tears in his eyes.
I don't know how I'm feeling now. I'm fairly certain this is anchor checking but it does still hurt. It's only just happened and I know these feelings will pass. I've not had feelings of sadness for quite a while though.
You absolutely could not have played that any better.
Wow MA, you’re incredibly strong. I think I speak for everyone on the board in congratulating you on handling that so well. Allowing your measured and sensible self respond rather than your emotions.
It’s also surprising that you were able to validate his feelings while he rips his own life and family apart.
This is a great lesson for newcomers on the importance of measured, calm responses in the face of fear.
You also expertly handled giving him responsibility for getting the divorce done.
While he claims you can keep the house and he doesn’t want to take anything, remember that feelings can change and there’s no guarantees - so you have to protect yourself. He may well engage a lawyer now, who tells him he deserves much more.
I’d go immediately and make a statutory declaration about your conversation regarding assets today, and also email a copy of as much as you can remember to a trusted friend.
You may now find he does nothing to push the divorce along. The sudden morning appearance on the doorstep may be because this trash AP has given him an ultimatum to end it with you to test his resolve. He could now bumble along for months and will only file when he has to. Also, if him and trash breakup in the near future, he definitely won’t file.
I needed that Kind. Thank you for your quick reply. Since he left this morning, I've been wavering and shed a few tears. I'm listening to what my thoughts are about & at the heart of it, they're back to my fear about letting go of a past "comfortable" life and being alone. This just shows how the mind plays tricks. I've not had a comfortable life for at least 9 years since his drinking increased and responsibility in the home decreased. Since he left, I've felt the urge to text him & say it was a shock & let's meet to discuss further. Your post has reminded me NOT to immediately act on urges. Time is my friend.
Thank you so much Kind, it's been a while since I've really needed validation from this community but I certainly needed & appreciated it today.
Sometimes the toughest road has the most rewarding views. You should be strong rather than emotional - and I have no doubt that’s what you’ll do, because you’ve proven time and time again since you arrived here that you make smart decisions and know when to ignore your temporary emotions.
I’d happily wager $50AUD (that’s not much when converted to most other currencies 🤣) that in 24 hours time you’ll feel completely differently than you do right now.
And I’d also expect in 48-72 hours you’ll start to feel an incredible feeling of relief that there’s closure.
Give those feelings a chance to arrive before you act 👍
Wow MA I love this. You are teaching me so much in as far as how to handle these situations with dignity and respect ( as I feel I am following close on your heels)
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Don't really know where to start. It's been a few weeks since my last post when H turned up in the early morning just before I went on a family holiday to tell me he'll always care about me but feels we need a fresh start & wants a divorce. I had no further contact with him but he then changed his social media profile pic to one of OW and him & blocked his kids from his page. None of this bothered me. I continued to consider it as another example of his crazy world!
Roll forward a couple of weeks. Within the same week, he has taken D for a coffee, told her he is happier than he has ever been & wasn't happy in the marriage. Again, it has had no impact on me. Just part of his crazy thinking & biased memories of our life.
3 days ago, I get a phone call at 23.45pm. I was in bed & answered. He asked if he could meet and talk to me. I said it was very late, I'm in bed and we can arrange a time in the next week. Turns out, he was outside the house and wanted to talk there & then! I clearly didn't give myself the time to see I didn't have to agree to this (hindsight is a wonderful thing) & got dressed & let him in.
I'm sure you can imagine what follows. More crazy!! He's been thinking about me constantly, misses me, misses his kids, loves me, doesn't love her etc etc... knows he has no right but wants us to be together, recognises this won't happen immediately blah blah... Its completely comical. He seems to think I'm in the same place as when he first left. He talked about how I've changed, I look really sexy (Eeew!!), talked about the times I slept with him (when I was desperate to get him back) & how good it was. This really gave me the ick! I stopped him at that point and said Alot of time has passed since then. I'm a different person & actually feel quite degraded by how I acted. It wasn't out of love, it was desperation. I can't take it back but equally I am in a different place and wouldn't repeat it. He asked if there was anyone else & I said that wasn't any of his business since he left and said his future was with OW.
He expressed regret & said he was still with her but would end it if I took him back. I said he shouldn't do that but should speak to his IC about how he can strengthen the relationship with OW. I said I was happy how I am now and didn't see my future with him so he should focus everything on his relationship with her. He said he's having therapy beyond his free work sessions & he is a different person. More together, open, honest and calm. I did bite a bit at this point and said I thought that he should continue with therapy for a whole because that wasn't my perception. I provided him with the recent activities 2 weeks ago asking for a divorce, 4 days ago telling our D thst he had never been happier and wasn't happy in the marriage & on that day turning up saying he would leave OW because he misses me! He did acknowledge the discrepancy in his statement.
I asked him to leave 40 minutes later, saying I think you should discuss all this with uour counsellor. He tried to hug me & started kissing my neck. I extracted myself and said it's late, I've got work tomorrow, I think you should go. He left and 10mins later there was a knock at the door with him asking if he could stay & sleep on sofa. I said no & shut the door!
Since this time, he has tried messaging me asking me to meet to talk about where we went wrong!! I said I thought it was too soon & he should talk to his IC and have some time alone. He has been bombarding our D with messages saying he's ended it with OW (my suspicions are she ended it know the night he turned up) because he loves me. He's sent D photo after photo after photo of past experiences putting comments like how much he loves me etc etc.
Surprisingly I'm not too unsettled by this. I am firm.at this stage that my life is good currently and better without him than with him. I don't want R at all but am worried that he'll pull me back into that role of protector. I suspect it is over with OW. He's wracked up a lot if debt & has no money now so she's scarpered. I think his head was turned because of the attention & I'm not sure he would just go with someone else. However, I do not want him back. I want to be kind to him but this is his mess and he needs to sort himself out. How do I be kind and supportive without giving him false hope? I care for him, he's my children's father but equally I don't want him bombarding both him and my daughter with messages and craziness.
Sorry for the long post. Feels like such a lot has happened but really crystallised that I am detached and able to see I have a potentially much better future ahead without him. I NEVER thought I would have thought that at ghe start if this 8 months ago!
Oh MA what a post. And firstly can I say wow how amazing you’re doing.it sounds like your H is in the real thick of things now and you are absolutely KILLING IT GIRL!!! How amazing is this. H sounds like a completely lost soul. It’s so hard isn’t it, to have to sit back and watch them destroy their lives. Everyone keeps hammering it into me “this is his mess to sort out” so we can’t fix it for them. You know how this story goes in your H current mindset… “get MA back… MA agrees… oh darn nope don’t want this anymore… see ya” He still sounds like he is in yo-yo land. I can’t help with the advice other than keep those firm boundaries up. Boundaries are everything because they are ours. Be so proud of how far you have come. This is so amazing
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Wow, another sudden appearance of H on your doorstep. He certainly do boomerangs back and forth, with this time’s circling by being near midnight.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I provided him with the recent activities 2 weeks ago asking for a divorce, 4 days ago telling our D thst he had never been happier and wasn't happy in the marriage & on that day turning up saying he would leave OW because he misses me! He did acknowledge the discrepancy in his statement.
Lol. Yes, pretty huge discrepancy. Well done not getting pulled into his emotional maelstrom.
He sure tried to get you to take the bait didn’t he? Even returning ten minutes later and asking to sleep on the couch. Good for you sticking to your path.
Originally Posted by MA1970
How do I be kind and supportive without giving him false hope? I care for him, he's my children's father but equally I don't want him bombarding both him and my daughter with messages and craziness.
There isn’t much you can do to stop H’s messaging or reaching out to the kids. Presently, my son is being bombarded by XW/Mom with call after call, text after text. He has told me of what’s going on and XW’s desperation is rife. Anyhow, be available to talk with your kids and help them organize or gently steer things as needed.
Regarding not giving false hope:
Originally Posted by MA1970
He expressed regret & said he was still with her but would end it if I took him back. I said he shouldn't do that but should speak to his IC about how he can strengthen the relationship with OW. I said I was happy how I am now and didn't see my future with him so he should focus everything on his relationship with her.
So, is there no hope? No reconciliation possible?
I totally agree do not take him back because he would end things with OW if you did. That’s just such a junior high school type mentality from him. Stereotypical teenager sounding is what H currently is.
Are you are truly done, or more indifferent? Personally, I find there is always some wee hope flickering away. It’s up to one if they choose to fan the flames or pat them out.
Remember, hope is timeless. It is not an expectation. It may even never come to pass. Yet it can persist.
Hope” is the thing with feathers By Emily Dickinson
“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -
And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard - And sore must be the storm - That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm -
I’ve heard it in the chillest land - And on the strangest Sea - Yet - never - in Extremity, It asked a crumb - of me.
I think not wanting to give false hope is one trying to extinguish their internal song. Perhaps, embrace your hope. Just realize it’s target is not for H to become who you need him to be, rather for H to become who he needs to be. It’s surprising how much more one gains when letting go. You can be supportive without being the protector. You can care and be compassionate about him, while not being dragged into his mess.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Feels like such a lot has happened but really crystallised that I am detached and able to see I have a potentially much better future ahead without him. I NEVER thought I would have thought that at the start of this 8 months ago!
Absolutely. And I am proud of you MA. You’ve come so very far in eight months. Just imagine where you’ll be eight months from now. And it’s that very reason, I’d not burn too many bridges or close too many doors right now. The future is unknown and full of possibilities. Live well, and cherish the gift of time.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
But a LBS who is control of their emotions and making good, healthy life decisions - and a sense of self worth and value - absolutely yes!
You’re an inspiration to the board MA.
Maybe in 5 years you’ll end up reconciling, who knows? But all I know is the healthiest thing for you right now is to put yourself first, and you’ve done that remarkably well.
And my personal thanks to you MA - you’ve absolutely made my day! Also vindicates the vets who hang around here and offer their time and effort to see it making a difference when people really heed the advice and knuckle down with their DBing.
Last edited by DnJ; 08/28/2312:45 AM. Reason: Corrected a typo.
Thank you everyone, its getting easier but still work in progress. I've taken a while to answer just because I'm really busy at the minute. Doing lots of GAL & loving my life. I have so many people compliment me on how I'm looking appearance wise but also that I look so much happier.
DnJ, your post made me think & have a bit of reflection time
Originally Posted by DnJ
Are you are truly done, or more indifferent? Personally, I find there is always some wee hope flickering away. It’s up to one if they choose to fan the flames or pat them out.
Remember, hope is timeless. It is not an expectation. It may even never come to pass. Yet it can persist.
You know I'm a big fan of the time theory & this has been one of my mantras the whole way through. I am of the opinion never say never & I'm also a big believer in fate. Time has allowed me to reflect on my marriage & it hasn't been right for a very long time. There has been a lot of resentment on both our parts. I tried to discuss this, H went for the avoidance by drinking strategy. Ultimately, this has led to years where, in hindsight, I think I've been gaslighted into staying at home, not going out & feeling pretty worthless as a person. My GAL activity has challenged these thoughts & I feel like me again. I feel lighter, happy & independent. Maybe we would get back together but H has so much work to do on himself & I see no signs of any of this at the minute. He's just trying to rush back to anyone who can provide stability for him. I no longer want to be that person. I want an equal partner, not someone who I need to look after. So in answer to your question, it's not an absolute no but it is a no for the present time & we'll see what life brings.
Pattnee, Sun & Rock - thank you for your kind words. This forum is and has been completely inspirational. The advise is spot on with the right mix of challenging & supportive. It feels great to get a positive acknowledgement from you all. Thank you!
Kind18 -
Originally Posted by kind18
And my personal thanks to you MA - you’ve absolutely made my day! Also vindicates the vets who hang around here and offer their time and effort to see kit making a difference when people really heed the advice and knuckle down with their DBing.
You and DnJ have been so incredibly supportive throughout this journey. You've felt like a bit of a tag team for me & I would log on desperate to hear your thoughts and advice. You will never know what a differen e you have made to this girls life & I cannot thank you enough. I'm sure it's not over and certainly H is currently going all guns blazing trying to creep back into our lives so it feels I'll be seeking more advice in the future. For now though, I'm happy, content and enjoying life, which is largely down to following the advice on here.
Completely agree here MA, how good are DnJ and Kind and all the other vets and their advice. Really almost holding our hands through this. I would safely say you are an inspiration too, I often read your posts too and try to inspire myself to follow suit as you are a few steps in front of me and of similar timeframe. It’s amazing how once you learn to detach a bit you can really see the relationship in a better light and find all the things we kind of “put up with” that really affected who we were as a person too. They really can drag us down without us realising. I too was like you and felt I would just put up with the behaviour which now in hindsight I didn’t like and deserved a lot better from a partner.
So proud of you for realising H needs so much work in order to be worthy of your love again
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
It’s amazing how once you learn to detach a bit you can really see the relationship in a better light and find all the things we kind of “put up with” that really affected who we were as a person too. They really can drag us down without us realising. I too was like you and felt I would just put up with the behaviour which now in hindsight I didn’t like and deserved a lot better from a partner.
So proud of you for realising H needs so much work in order to be worthy of your love again
Another spot on post from Pattnee.
I don't have some of the problems the two of you have had, specifically the alcohol related issues. (Must be awful; I can't imagine being with someone who's gone down that road), but...
I am approaching the indifferent stage right now. Not giving up hope but at the same time, seeing more clearly how W also brought us to where we are. Essentially having two jobs, having fewer dinners at the table in the evenings, prioritizing other things over me and our life. Even our rare vacations alone were about doing as much as we could plan without taking private time just for US.
I let it continue because I didn't want to appear that I wasn't supportive of her ambitions.
I can theoretically stay at work later than I do, but I deliberately have tried to schedule things so that I am home at a decent hour, and once I am home, my work usually doesn't follow me.
I need a partner who's the same.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Indifference is good. It really helps you with your own mental state Sun. Thinking back now at all the sleepless nights the knots in my stomach where I couldn’t eat, the stressing about every single word and detail it was horrible. I was letting H MLC destroy not just his life but mine too. Hope is timeless as DnJ keeps saying. We all have hope, it’s just what we hope for changes as we emerge from the fog. I think what you are doing Sun is perfect. Work should end when you come home. Work shouldn’t come home with you, it shouldn’t interfere with your personal life. Unfortunately my H started to forget that and would work all the time and bring work stress home and then to drown the stress would drink. And as stress increased so did drinking, to a point where he may have had one or two nights a week without alcohol but even that was a struggle. It really is a horrible path to take. My H issues all stem back to the way he was raised in an environment where you suppress feelings and Emotions and bottle everything up and don’t talk openly. Arguments were always frowned upon ( I find arguments and heated discussions healthy). He was far better with his communicating in the past but enter MLC mode and he transforms into a version of his parents that I have never seen.
I think if MA has taught us anything it’s that as us LBS take back control of our lives, we start to grow and see what we deserve and what is best for our future. The fact that in our desperation we have scoured the Internet and stumbled onto this board with such wealth of support and knowledge is such a powerful thing. I remember early on when I jumped on here everyone kept saying it gets better and I will be ok. Back then I could hardly breathe and thought how in the world is that ever going to happen. Looking back now the last 8 months have been such phenomenal growth and personal transformation I know I will be ok. Like Ma is ok and absolutely flying high. We come out better. Our MLC or WAS don’t. My H (and from the sounds of it MA’s too) may not be ok for a very long time
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
No-one else is responsible for my happiness except me.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I deserve (but don’t need) an equal relationship, where someone loves and values me as much as I them.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I am the prize here.
✅✅✅
Your narrative controls your behaviour. Choose your words carefully.
In the same way that a wayward is incredibly unhealthy by needing the love and affection and thrill of their AP, a LBS is also unhealthy by needing their spouse and marriage to feel fulfilled.
What’s the difference between MA and some of the others on this site who are STILL bumbling along and making crap choices 12 or 18 months on? I’ll tell you:
Self-respect, boundaries, dropping the rope, managing emotions and 100% commitment to DB techniques. That’s the difference.
You know how many times I’ve read MA make excuses when vets have challenged her - NONE!
Don't need my spouse, a spouse, or any spouse to be fulfilled. Another marriage or not? Makes no difference to me. Never meant to imply that. Simply put: any future partner is going to have to make the time needed for both of us. That I won't negotiate.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
No-one else is responsible for my happiness except me.
Of course.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I deserve (but don’t need) an equal relationship, where someone loves and values me as much as I them.
I do deserve it. It's going to be a long-term goal to achieve it, when I'm ready.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I am the prize here.
I sure am.
Last edited by DnJ; 08/24/2302:45 PM.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
MA, I’m catching up on your story. It sounds like you are making excellent progress. I’m 3 days post BD, but I also went through this 9 years ago. Thankfully I found DB the first time. It was a painful ride but as someone said in a comment to you, I look at it as my finest hour. You will too
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
It's been a very tough couple of days. Never seen H properly monster before but I certainly have now! Not sure that I handled it all in the best way so I'm keen to get any feedback on things I might have done differently. Quick reminder, H appeared 2 weeks ago saying made a mistake, doesn't want divorce, loves me etc. I sent him on his way & told him to speak to his therapist. Since then, he's messaged me lots (I don't reply) & messaged daughter lots with memories & soppy comments. It was D's exam results day on Thursday (she did brilliantly inspite of past traumatic 8 months). Basically, he tracked us down via a social media app map on D's phone & turned up as we were leaving celebratory lunch. He said he'd wanted to see D but just gave her a quick well done & turned to me saying can we talk? I'm going on a family holiday early hours tomorrow & he has done this every time I've been away. I said no, I don't want to talk to you before my holidays. He said could we arrange a time when I came back & I said I was unsure & would think about it on my return. Prior to this, he has apparently been telling D he is severely depressed, has messed his life up & wants me back.
Yesterday D messaged him several times during the day via different apps & at different times. She got no reply & started to panic that he had hurt himself or worse. She asked if we could go to where he parks his car to see if he was there. He wasn't! I thought straight away this is the same pattern as when he goes back to OW & told her so. She didn't think this would happen, thought he was genuine this time & was really worried & crying. I agreed to drive to OW house & see if his car was there. It was! D was furious and opened the door and ran to OW house. She knocked on the door and her dad answered. He swore at her & then manhandled her quite aggressively away from his OW. D was crying, said he was hurting her & was shouting at OW saying her dad wanted to come back to me. I was parking up when all this happened. I rushed to get her away from him & did say a few choice words. It's the first time I have lost my temper but I had to pry his hands off her & he left red marks from where he had been holding her. I told him not to come back to the house next time his relationship broke down and I left.
I did send him a message in the night to clarify why we had gone there (out of D's concern) & to ask him not to do that in the future & to stay away. In the morning, I had several missed calls from him & a private message from OW saying she thinks he's been lying to her & has he tried to reconcile with me. I didn't answer OW immediately. He then arrived at the house, shouting & trying to force his way in. He wanted to know what OW had asked me & what I said. There was no concern for D and what he had done. He was chaotic and all over the place. D doesn't want to see him. I did reply to OW stating he had tried to reconcile but that I wasn't interested & please could she not message me again.
I felt really upset after & have been trying to work out why it's affected me so much? I think it's maybe because he has directly hurt D and continues to prioritise OW over D. I'm also possibly a bit upset that I lost it & shouted. It's the first time I've done this. It also felt very final. I'm feeling a little better now although it does feel like there's been a change in his presentation. Any thoughts on how I could have handled it differently (apart from the obvious of not going to OW's in the first place!)
Last edited by DnJ; 08/28/2312:43 AM. Reason: Corrected some typos.
Oh MA, you must be so over this. This is like an episode of the young and the restless.
Did you realise you were marrying a man-child?
I think you did okay. Much better than I or most others would have done in the circumstances. Here’s my advice (the last bit you’re probably not going to like):
- Your daughter needs therapy NOW. No child should have to deal with thinking that her Dad might have committed suicide. Your number one priority atm should be protecting her mental health. If you don’t, her current trauma won’t be dealt with and WILL lead to issues for her in the future. It’s your duty as her parent. What she’s going through is damaging and potentially life changing.
- You shouldn’t have taken daughter or yourself to where he normally parks or OW house. That really put her and you at risk. I understand it came from a place of concern. Best plan next time he’s not answering and daughter freaks out, call the police and ask them to do a welfare check on him. OW could have lashed out at you or daughter if she thought your ex was dumping her for you.
- Your husband is peaking. He is very unstable. He’s realised his mistake. But he’s keeping OW on the hook because he doesn’t want to be alone. Sort of vindicates your decision to not take him back, doesn’t it? When he came back begging, 90% of people at this site would have rolled over and taken him back. You stayed strong, and it looks like you dodged a HUGE bullet.
- I’m genuinely concerned for your safety. If husband realises he’s lost you and OW, and he’s drinking or heaven forbid starts getting into drugs, there’s a good chance he may commit some domestic violence.
- I believe you need to take a temporary protection order against him. I know you’ll try and justify why you shouldn’t, but you MUST protect yourself and daughter. Doesn’t mean he never sees you or daughter in the future - because if he gets his act together, I’m sure you’ll support their relationship. But right now, you don’t have any other option.
- Don’t interact with OW. Block her. All you’re doing is giving him a reason to blame you. Imagine you message her and tell her he wants back in, she ends up dumping him, he descends into depression or alcoholism and ends up in jail or self-harming. He will always blame YOU for that, even though it’s totally his fault. I guarantee he’s going to tell people that you were jealous and ruined his future with OW. Don’t play into his narrative. Block her on your phone/messenger/socials.
I’m really sorry it’s come to this MA, but I think it’s for the best. Imagine your best friend. She relays this exact story about her husband. What would recommend she do?
Oh my goodness. I bet that was scary for D16 for her Dad to manhandle her. It’s heartbreaking that both her hope for Dad and fear for Dad both got simultaneously crushed the moment she saw him at OW’s place.
I know you will, yet still some encouragement, do talk with D16. None of this is her fault. Dad’s reaction is not her fault. His lying, his getting caught, all on him! Let daughter come to you. Be open and honest. I’m sure she will have some things to say. Remember not to demonize H/Dad. And gently steer, very gently.
Originally Posted by MA1970
D doesn't want to see him.
Honour her wishes.
I’ve been on the other side of that. Talked into, forced, my son to go for Christmas to visit Mom when he really didn’t want to. The visit went poorly, with Mom treating her kids like not even her own. When son came home he was furious! And rightly so. And he blasted me! Lesson learned.
Our job is not to facilitate the relationship between the left/leaving parent and child, our job is to not destroy it.
Another thing. You may get more than your share of lashing out, and rebelling from daughter. All her anger and frustration towards Dad will likely get “unfairly” focused towards you. You see, daughter cannot yet risk losing her Dad, yet she need to express her feelings, and you are the strong, stable, and safe parent. I’ve been there too. Four times!
In time, kids do find their way, and grieve the “loss” of their parent. D16’s Dad is not who lives in her mind and heart. My advice that I share here is so very important to our kids’ as well:
Keep your heart soft and squishy. In these situations, one tends to protect their heart, as it hurts so very much. We tend to harden it against the pain and sorrow. Instead, feel. Allow those emotions. Let them wash over you. And let love flow and keep your heart warm and squishy.
Originally Posted by MA1970
…a private message from OW saying she thinks he's been lying to her & has he tried to reconcile with me.
Yep. Lying and deceit makes a terrible foundation for a relationship. Like sand, anything built upon it requires more and more maintenance and repair to keep it from crumbling away.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I felt really upset after & have been trying to work out why it's affected me so much? I think it's maybe because he has directly hurt D and continues to prioritize OW over D.
It’s unfortunately pretty common for them to put children second and usually lower on their priority list. My XW placed OW first. OW’s son, she treated like her own. She acted like his Mom. Her running behaviours, her garden, her plants, her distractions were also more important than her four children. Remember, they are consumed and they run.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm also possibly a bit upset that I lost it & shouted.
That’s ok. Perfectly understandable.
Originally Posted by MA1970
…it does feel like there's been a change in his presentation.
Oh, I suspect H is going to be quite desperate trying to get the pieces of his life/lie back together. And desperate people do desperate things. Ensure your boundaries are rock solid.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Any thoughts on how I could have handled it differently (apart from the obvious of not going to OW's in the first place!)
You did very well over the past two weeks. H has begged, even offered that he’d dump OW if you’d take him back. You saw the folly in all this, and told him so. Said no, and that he needs to talk to his therapist.
Meanwhile H is lying and who knows what he is telling OW.
H tracks down D and basically uses her celebratory lunch as an opportunity to try to talk to you. He even tries to make plans for when you and D return from vacation. You wisely deferred any arrangements. Well done.
The events of today are unfortunate and somewhat unpredictable. Daughter was worried and you and her went to ensure Dad had not hurt himself, or some such.
Hindsight is of course 20/20. Before embarking on such an adventure you and D16 should have discussed what if we do find Dad’s car at OW’s house. Again, hard to see in the moment. However, next time things like this pop up, you’ll be better prepared. Being forewarned is to be forearmed.
Something you could/should talk about:
Originally Posted by MA1970
[H] has apparently been telling D he is severely depressed, has messed his life up & wants me back.
It’s pretty common for these folks to utilize kids as a conduit. They slyly glean information or like this time pass on their message to us through our kids. Speak with daughter, she shouldn’t be in the middle of Dad’s storm. She can tell him no. “Dad, please no more talk about such things, it’s between you and Mom, I just want to see you.” And if Dad won’t, she can implement boundaries too.
(((Hugs)))
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Oh MA I don’t have any advice of any sort but just wanted to say BIG HUGS to you and well done on how you handled it all. I wouldn’t beat yourself up for losing your temper. I probably would have kicked H in his manbits for even laying a hand on D. Honestly what we do in these situations can’t be planned and thought out. Seems you absolutely made the best choice not welcoming him back with open arms. He sounds very messed up. And certainly like an episode of a daytime soap. I feel for you MA. I really want to give you a huge hug right now and just remember MA and Kids above all else now!! H sounds like he’s in all sorts
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Thank you Kind, DnJ & Pattnee. I really thought I'd messed up my DB'ing progress so it's good to know there's lessons to be learned but not all bad. As ever, time has passed since Saturday night & I'm feeling more settled. H left our house on Sunday morning promising he would leave me alone. I've blocked him from everywhere I could think but he managed to sneak in through an old group chat we had for me, him & D a long time ago. D opened it & told me so I've just left it unopened. He was just wishing us a happy holiday (as if nothing has happened). D has also had 2 voicemails from H to apologise for his behaviour and ask for her forgiveness. The latter was today, mid afternoon when he was clearly crying & sounded drunk.shes not replied.
Kind - I really do appreciate all your advice & reassurance. You know me well & you're right that some of it feels a bit harsh at this stage. However, I do get where you are coming from. Here's what I've done so far; blocked both him & OW on all social media & phone. I've kept all the voicemail to D apologising for his behaviour and wrote an account of what happened that night. If he does do anything else, I will seek advice about an injunction & provide the evidence. We've also got patched up holes in plasterboard in the house from when he did live with us and would get frustrated at football after drinking & punch the wall. I also wondered about phoning safeguarding about his treatment of D and seeking advice from them. They would need to record this as a log of an event. I'm a Psychotherapist myself so I've been keen for D to access therapy since the beginning but she hasn't wanted to. She spoke to me today about the mixed feelings she has about her dad. She hates how he treats her & doesn't want anything to do with him but also mourns her dad and wants to have that father figure back in her life then everytime she let's him in, he let's her down again. It's a real vicious cycle. I tried to get her to consider therapy to just talk through some of this stuff but she absolutely refuses saying she prefers to talk to me, which I don't think is the best for either of us. All I can do is keep bringing it up & offering her the option.
DnJ - Thank you for sharing some of your experiences with your ex. It's just so hard to get my head around how he behaves. Thankfully, I'm detached again now & can observe it for what it is. More craziness that is impossible to understand or analyse so no point giving it the time of day and reinforcing it. I love the idea of D putting her own boundaries in. You've mentioned this previously & I did speak to D about it but everything settled again & she didn't put it into practice. I also like the idea of thinking about different dad scenarios and running through what we should do. I learn from each new encounter & adapt my behaviour accordingly. That's why this forum is so useful. It gives me a chance to check the new behaviours & how I respond.
Pattnee - thanks for the hugs. I know they are genuine and heartfelt. It's lovely to feel you have a little family of close strangers dotted anywhere & everywhere who have your back. Such an amazing community. I'm so very lucky I fell upon it very early on. I believe the universe was watching out for me!
Bit of an update & a gentle request for guidance please.
H continues to present in a very chaotic manner. I think the relationship with OW is over by how he is but I can't confirm this (not that it matters). My current stance is that he is not who I married, he appears to be in the throes of MLC & there is zero evidence of behaviour change or attempts to work on himself. In view of this, I want to maintain my current boundaries of no contact unless pre arranged. I do not want to have friendly chat or give him false hope but equally I don't want to be cruel. So my dilemma is how I do this?
I've been on holiday in Europe this week and I blocked him on social media and phone before I went. Despite this, he has activated an old account & managed to get in touch. I've ignored all messages and not replied. He has also messaged both kids several times a day. These messages have consisted of old photos of us as a family with love hearts attached or a loving comment. He also sent a photo of us last christmas commenting I miss my wife, I miss my family I miss my children. I want us all back together. The next photo was one of him putting his wedding ring back on. I'm really not sure how to respond to all of this. As I say, so far Ive just ignored it but I know he's going to turn up at the house as soon as we're back. I dont want to give him false hope but we are worlds apart in terms of reconciling. I'm not saying this will never happen but certainly at the present time, I don't want reconciliation. I am happier and my life is more meaningful alone & at yhe present time, I do not find him or his behavioirs remotely attractive.
H is certainly spinning. Pictures, messages, so much desperation.
Originally Posted by MA1970
…so far Ive just ignored it but I know he's going to turn up at the house as soon as we're back.
Continue to ignore his behaviour while on vacation.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I want to maintain my current boundaries of no contact unless pre arranged.
…
Despite this, he has activated an old account & managed to get in touch.
I’d strengthen that boundary. Block this old account too.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I do not want to have friendly chat or give him false hope but equally I don't want to be cruel. So my dilemma is how I do this?
It’s not cruel to say no to H.
Suggest he can forward his messages to your email. You’ll read them periodically, say once a week, and respond if needed.
If he just shows up at the house after vacation, like you suspect he will, toss a few truth darts his way while (re)telling him why.
Remind him, only five short weeks ago he wanted a divorce. (See below)
Originally Posted by MA1970
8am this morning he turns up at the house. Son answered door & he left him outside while he got me. H came in said Son had told him I was happy & moving on. He doesn't want to mess me about and realises that he has been doing this. Cares deeply for me... always will... Thinks he should give me a clean break & divorce. I said if that's what you want then you need to sort it out. He said he wouldn't take anything, wants it to be amicable, wants us to be friends. I said I wouldn't sell the house till kids left home & he agreed.
In fairness, and I realize your retelling may not be verbatim, in the above H didn’t strictly ask for a divorce. He offered a divorce, a clean break.
Of course, five weeks pass, OW and he seemingly blow up. And now he feels different. Fine. Yet that’s only five weeks. (You can tell him that too by the way.)
If he pushes or really wants to prove he’s changed:
If he really wants back, walk the talk. Get his act together. No contact with OW. Period! Six contiguous months of no contact with OW. Six months of consistent demonstrated positive behaviour. And then perhaps, maybe, you and he can date. However, if he drops the ball, if he reaches out to OW, ever, at any time, the clock resets back to zero and the six months start again.
Set the bar high. If he is sincere, if he really means it and is determined, he will reach it. And exceed it.
Note, this is pressure. However, you are responding to H, not initiating it. A big difference.
Now, he may run from such an open dialog and hearing the requisite way back to you. If he does, well he wasn’t really ready to return. Still, even if he does run, its likely to plant a seed in him.
If he nurtures such a seed, he may heal and become whole. Maybe even become a better man. Someone you may even again find attractive. (Remember, indifference does unwind.) Though, he does have a pile of work to do.
In short, keep your boundaries, give a truth dart or two (or three of four if he pushes for them), and keep moving forward. You live and love your life. Let him run to catch up to you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks so much DnJ. It feels like this is going to be a test for me. I can already feel the pull of needing to look after him. This isnt love & very much about co dependency. It's interesting how strong the feelings are. I also notice guilt about him suffering when I could easily alleviate some of his pain. Of course I understand these are just thoights and emotions & when I step back from them, I dont want to be the person who is responsible for repairing. Tgis has got to come from him. I like the 6 months but also think that he wont work half as hard as I have in the past 6 months.
We fly home tonight. I've already received a message asking if he can meet me to talk as he's got a lot he wants to say. I think I'm going to respond by saying I'm not ready to talk yet but maybe in a few weeks. I just feel I want to come back from my holiday, re establish my rputines that work for me before facing his mess. I'm aware I need to be really clear about what my boundaries are & I may benefit from writing these down, particularly in these heightened emotional states.
He has also messaged both kids several times a day. These messages have consisted of old photos of us as a family with love hearts attached or a loving comment. He also sent a photo of us last christmas commenting I miss my wife, I miss my family I miss my children. I want us all back together. The next photo was one of him putting his wedding ring back on. I'm really not sure how to respond to all of this. As I say, so far Ive just ignored it but I know he's going to turn up at the house as soon as we're back. I dont want to give him false hope but we are worlds apart in terms of reconciling. I'm not saying this will never happen but certainly at the present time, I don't want reconciliation. I am happier and my life is more meaningful alone & at yhe present time, I do not find him or his behavioirs remotely attractive.
Just want to say that these behaviors sound PATHETIC. As in nauseatingly pathetic.
Enforce those boundaries, move forward.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Feeling quite worn out with everything. H continues to be chaotic and he can't seem to notice his craziness. He hasn't got back with OW so they've been separated around 4 weeks now. His contact with me was minimal over the past couple of weeks until 2 days ago when he turned up at the house (never a good sign). Son answered door & he asked to speak to me saying he'd done something stupid. I spoke to him & he cried saying he can't get me out if his mind & had thought if he initiated divorce proceedings then that would draw a line and he would be able to let me go. He then proceeded to cry saying it hadn't worked, he thinks about me all the time & doesn't want a divorce! He's filled in the paperwork himself, no lawyer & paid for it on his credit card. He now wants to withdraw it & doesn't want me to sign anything! He's messaginv me regularly to update me on emails he's sent & received from the courts.
He's still all over the place. He spoke that Christmas would be perfect if he could be back at home & we were together. I gently told him that wasn't going to happen. He tried to get assurances from me that I would have him back. I just said that wasn't what I wanted at the present time and he should focus on his own wellbeing and his relationship with the children. I let him out of the house & he returned an hour later just sat in his car outside the house saying he couldn't bear to go back to his flat. It's all really draining. I had covid last week & still recovering so not up to exercising yet. I've cried for the first time for ages. I really don't want him hurting but I also don't want to go back to that dependent relationship. Finding this week tougher than I have for a while. When I sit back and observe, it's just another crazy episode that will run its course but does feel overwhelming at the minute. I recognise lots of parallels with how he is behaving to how I was at BD & the first few months after. Begging, pleading, misinterpreting signs & desperate for certainty.
It feels like this is going to be a test for me. I can already feel the pull of needing to look after him.
H showed up to the house like you suspected he would. And, in my opinion, you passed the test with flying colors.
How long is his divorce proposal official? When does it expire? That gives you the window on this current business matter. Just so you know, you do not have to rush anything.
Do you need or want financial security and protection? Is his proposal fair? Have you had a lawyer look it over? Perhaps you would want to counter propose a different/modified settlement? Just some thoughts/queries for you or consider. It is a big decision.
H is all of the place. No doubt there.
You know he has self work to do. You nicely supported and suggested that to him, while maintaining your position.
Do you see, can you see, the possibilities? Some period of time, H does inner work, never sees OW, gets his life back on track. Can you accept him? Can you forgive him? Could you see him? By the way, these things are not all tied together. You find acceptance and/or forgiveness regardless of what H does or doesn’t do.
It’s interesting, the answers from life’s big questions, come from within. Your answers are based upon you, not H. Difficult answers become easier as we become. There can be no testament without test.
How was the holiday? Did you and daughter have a good time?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for quick reply DnJ. We all had a lovely holiday. My son brought his friend & we really did have a great time. I hired a car and drove on the opposite side to UK & I felt confident doing this. We ate out every night & had a few cocktails. The boys even persuaded me to do shots! I'm very blessed, my son is only 19 but stepped up to the man of the holiday in many respects. I'm very proud of both my children.
H absolutely doesn't want a divorce & I am in no rush. I haven't received the papers yet so it is possible that it's more lies but I'm not sure of the function of that? It's not worth my brain space!
My line with reconciliation is that he would have to show significant change in terms of his dependency. He is showing no sign of this at present, which I find really unattractive. I do still love him and care about his wellbeing but not to the extent that I would put myself in the position of re-experiencing this all again with another woman! As far as I can see, he's all talk at present. He's got a bit more understanding about himself from his therapy but there is absolutely no sign of behaviour change.
Your questions are interesting, particularly about forgiveness. I believe I could forgive the affair. However, I'm not sure about forgiving his behaviour in relation to D. I've read all about MLC and understand that he's almost regressed and has a teenage mindset but some of the things he did were just cruel and hurt her so badly. I just don't feel I can answer that at present. It might be tough to answer because he's still mid crisis & thus I'm still not fully seeing H without his craziness.
I am still focused on me as a priority. I'm still doing lots of GAL both independently & with the kids. I've got lots of lovely events coming up including live music gigs, a weekend away reuniting with friends of 30 years, comedy night and the dreaded panto!
Thanks again for your support, you always bring a compassionate view, which I appreciate.
Goodness me MA. What an update. With our paths so similar with our XH and their midlife crisis states, they seem to be both following such chaotic paths. Initially I always thought maybe your path would be easier for me to deal with and recover from( the OW and the blatant MLC actions as opposed to the self combusting reclusive MLC who runs away), but now I honestly don’t know which is worse. It sounds like you are handling it absolutely amazingly while H crumbles. It sounds like he’s hitting that rock bottom that they all need to hit. Hopefully he does his work. You should be so incredibly proud. I think this is why the vets drum detachment into us from day 1.The more I don’t want to be around XH anymore the more he tries to reach out. I actually look at him now and feel nothing like I used to. Now I just feel absolutely empty, and annoyed that I allowed him to hurt me so much. I don’t even think I’m attracted to him anymore. He has lost all appeal on me now. I bet you feel exactly the same. We almost just feel sorry for them in a nurturing way. I couldn’t even imagine being intimate with him again because I just don’t have that desire or attraction like before. So many nasty comments and hurtful words finally did their number on me. You keep your head high! You deserve the world. And I would say your H had a few years of alot of hard work to win you back. We need to be won back now. They don’t just get to shelve us for when their plan goes off course. We deserve the best of the best
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Just popped on for a quick update. This forum has helped me so much & I want to be able to give something back where I can. I know how I was at the beginning clinging onto any sign of hope that mlc H would regain who he was and return to us.
Quick summary for any newbies out there. H started an affair Dec 2022, denied it repeatedly till I had evidence in Feb 23. Things hadn't been perfect in the marriage but it still came as a complete shock after 27 yrs together. I said he could stay & we would work at the marriage but I wasn't prepared to live with him if he was still seeing AP. Risky move on my part & he chose to leave. He wanted to be with her. He didn't move in with her & got an enquire room with shared kitchen & lounge. First 3 months were really tough. I desperately wanted him back. I did follow the guidance here from day 1 & I'm thankful for that. I think it helped enormously even though it felt very counterintuitive at times. I had a few slip ups and slept with him a few times. The good people here challenged me on it & I learned that it wasn't helpful. Since April, he has broken up around 8 different times with his AP. He always says its because he loves me but still went back to her. They seem to be over fully now. It's been 7.5 weeks since they broke up & he has been begging to come home consistently. This would have been everything I wanted at the beginning & I would have grasped it with both arms. Things have changed though. Through the support here, I have practised GAL like my life depended on it. I had some IC but I'm a therapist myself and couldn't take to it. I have read and read lots on MLC, DB, attachment styles, communication styles... I have also reflected lots.
This is what I've learned about me, the relationship worked because we were co dependent. I felt adored & validated, which kept me in a stuck position of putting up with coercive control, gaslighting and excessively jealous behaviour. I figured this was a sign of how wanted and loved I was. I also put up with excess drinking, lack of contribution to the house, lazy parenting. He was also dependent on me. I provided him with safety, security & the parenting he didn't get as a child. I think we both started to resent these roles but instead of going for therapy, I ate & he drank & we both avoided the elephant in the room. Until BD day that is!
Fast forward to now... Its hard!! I mean really hard & it continues to be really hard. H is desperate to come back to the safety of the home. I can see he's still crazy though. An example from yesterday is that he phoned our 16yr old D to say his guilt is terrible & proceeded to tell her how bad he felt at upsetting his AP & her kids and how he's let them down!! D is the only person speaking to him & that's tough because he makes her anxious but she's frightened that he has no one without her. I'm there to support her & we've discussed her boundaries for him, which she's trying to stick to. He pulls at all our heart strings. However he is not showing any signs of behaviour change. He refuses to block ex AP stating he's a good person and she's upset. He still talks about her & cannot maintain boundaries. He is unable to tolerate being alone but sees his only answer as looking for someone to care for him. I do not want that life anymore.
My lessons from GAL - I'm OK on my own (well, with the kids). I'd like a future relationship but I'd like it to be equal. I'm worthy of that & think I'm an all right catch! I can put myself out there and people are accepting of me. Even better, I've actually had compliments and a few people come on to me! I've got loads of friends who genuinely care about me. I'm worthy of the right kind of love & I don't need to settle for anything less.
I still care deeply about H & I'm not entirely ruling out reunion at some point in the future but I would need to see proper change not just words. I see no sign of this. He's clocked up £10,000 debt in 9 months, is drinking heavily, over burdening his 16 Yr old daughter & is only focused on his own needs at present. I hope he does change but suspect I won't be still waiting if he does and that's OK. I just hope we stay in a positive relationship and can Co parent our older children together.
To go back to my first paragraph, this forum guided me, supported me, held my hand, challenged me all the way through DnJ & Kind18 felt like my team and the positive feedback from Pattnee as a later addition really helped. Stick with it any newbies out there, even if it feels like the wrong thing to do. The folks on this forum know their stuff! Anyway, enough ranting, I'm off to my panto rehearsals only 8 weeks till the Christmas show!
I'd like a future relationship but I'd like it to be equal. I'm worthy of that & think I'm an all right catch!
You are an incredibly strong and special human being, MA.
In nine months you’ve gone from a co-dependent mess to a strong and balanced person, in charge of your own mental health and with rebuilt self worth. What a transformation.
I'd like a future relationship but I'd like it to be equal. I'm worthy of that & think I'm an all right catch! I can put myself out there and people are accepting of me.
The only way to go.
If this whole mess has taught me something, I have learned what I will never accept in a relationship again.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Hi MA what a great update I am so happy to hear you are doing well. So sad about your H though and his continual spiral. I feel you helped me more than I helped you to be honest. You truly were an inspiration. Considering our BD was so close together and we seem to be walking a similar path. So happy to read you are in a good place. It’s funny, like you when I first came here I just desperately wanted H back, wanted to fix everything cried was miserable was a mess. I never thought I would be where I am today. Today for the first time I thought “hey I am happy” and I have been for a while now. Meanwhile I look at my H and he doesn’t look happy, doesn’t act happy. He’s still wallowing in his gloomy loft with his sweatpants and bottle. It’s funny to think they did the damage and did the BD because as I was told “ I just wasn’t happy for a while”. I bet if someone asked him now if he’s happy he will say no. I reckon he’s worse Keep being happy And being with the kids. Family is everything.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Thank you for the positive words Kind18, Sun & Pattnee. This forum is everything & makes such a difference if you have the courage to follow the advice.
Sun- I've read your thread & sorry you're still in the thick of it but sounds like you're doing all the right things. I hope good times are ahead for you.
Kind - thank you. You've got a perfect combo of harsh when it needs to be said but in the background of lots of care & encouragement. You've made a huge difference to this woman's life.
Pattnee - keep hanging on in there girl. Our paths are so similar. I reckon by the time your H starts to realise where he's at, you'll have moved even further. H came to see me today & I do still care deeply. He still pulls at my heart strings but equally I know it would be the absolute wrong thing to open the door for him. He needs to do the inner child work otherwise it's just groundhog day.
what I've learned about me, the relationship worked because we were codependent.
Most wise.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I felt adored & validated, which kept me in a stuck position of putting up with coercive control, gaslighting and excessively jealous behaviour. I figured this was a sign of how wanted and loved I was. I also put up with excess drinking, lack of contribution to the house, lazy parenting. He was also dependent on me. I provided him with safety, security & the parenting he didn't get as a child. I think we both started to resent these roles but instead of going for therapy, I ate & he drank & we both avoided the elephant in the room.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'd like a future relationship but I'd like it to be equal. I'm worthy of that & think I'm an all right catch!
Yes, you’re worthy and an all right catch.
You’ve grown plenty, and H has struggled. I’m right with you with not picking up, continuing, that “old” relationship. It would need to be better. Evolved. H (and my XW) is not there. Yet. And may never be.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I still care deeply about H & I'm not entirely ruling out reunion at some point in the future but I would need to see proper change not just words. I see no sign of this.
H’s path is still covert. His behaviour has altered. No where as outwardly or quickly as you. Of course, you are rational and embraced your path. To something, rather than from something. H still being more the opposite of that tenet.
And yes, look to actions rather than words.
Originally Posted by MA1970
[H] phoned our 16yr old D to say his guilt is terrible & proceeded to tell her how bad he felt at upsetting his AP & her kids and how he's let them down!!
It’s quite a staggering thing to witness, isn’t it? My XW told our four children after OM’s son rolled their vehicle on a joyride during his graduation, that she “almost lost a child!”. Said that directly to her own four flesh and blood children. XW was so distraught.
Reality is lost upon these lost souls.
H really does feel horrible for letting down ex AP and her kids. He is currently unable to (fully) cope with that, which therefore doesn’t allow his feelings for D and you and such to surface. I highlight “fully”, for I do believe H has made some progress, albeit glacially slow.
Originally Posted by MA1970
D is the only person speaking to him & that's tough because he makes her anxious but she's frightened that he has no one without her. I'm there to support her & we've discussed her boundaries for him, which she's trying to stick to.
I’m glad she’s open with you about Dad and his conversations. I know you are guiding her with boundaries. I’d also discuss fear with her. She need not be held hostage by her own fear. And that is really what fear does. So entangling. So ensnaring. So paralyzing.
Originally Posted by MA1970
He pulls at all our heart strings. However he is not showing any signs of behaviour change. He refuses to block ex AP stating he's a good person and she's upset. He still talks about her & cannot maintain boundaries. He is unable to tolerate being alone but sees his only answer as looking for someone to care for him.
I understand and empathize. That tug upon the ol’ heart strings. I do love XW, yet we are not friends. It’s an odd statement, until you find it.
How are doing with forgiveness? Do guide daughter as well in that endeavour.
Forgiveness and acceptance is very freeing. Letting go of fear, worry, and anxiety; letting go of vengeance, retribution, and holding a grudge; is only part. Letting go is only part of it.
Forgiveness leads to embracing/living some pretty wonderful tenets which ripple outward far beyond H.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
This is what I've learned about me, the relationship worked because we were co dependent. I felt adored & validated, which kept me in a stuck position of putting up with coercive control, gaslighting and excessively jealous behaviour. I figured this was a sign of how wanted and loved I was. I also put up with excess drinking, lack of contribution to the house, lazy parenting. He was also dependent on me. I provided him with safety, security & the parenting he didn't get as a child. I think we both started to resent these roles but instead of going for therapy, I ate & he drank & we both avoided the elephant in the room. Until BD day that is!
I think this was an element in my M as well. She made me feel very good, loved, accepted like no other woman I'd met. Particularly in the last few years, however, she seemed to prioritize other things, family time became less, less cooking and having dinners together, etc.
Her desire was to be accepted because she was overweight. And I had no problem with her appearance and thought she was beautiful. So perhaps we leaned on each other for our "fixes" of acceptance.
She had weight loss surgery and eventually lost the weight. Then cosmetic surgery to deal with the effects of the weight loss. And this is the time frame when BD occurred. And a few months later, her AP was revealed.
One of the things I've struggled with is thoughts that once she lost the weight, she no longer felt that she needed me to accept her and could now pursue somebody "better," somebody more in her league so to speak.
I don't know if that is the case. Maybe she's just thrilled that she has proven she can attract someone else, which strikes me as not particularly healthy. She continues to chase happiness in external things, pursued in secret, rather than from within herself.
I feel the self-esteem problem she clearly had did not vanish along with the pounds.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I still care deeply about H & I'm not entirely ruling out reunion at some point in the future but I would need to see proper change not just words. I see no sign of this. He's clocked up £10,000 debt in 9 months, is drinking heavily, over burdening his 16 Yr old daughter & is only focused on his own needs at present. I hope he does change but suspect I won't be still waiting if he does and that's OK. I just hope we stay in a positive relationship and can Co parent our older children together.
I suspect I will care for a while too. We both have long histories with our spouses. It can hurt to look at them and see the path they have taken. But you are right. You couldn't live with him as he is now, even if he wants it. You won't wait for him, nor should you. I certainly won't put my life on hold for W. Too much I've left undone and life doesn't allow much time to do it.
You're an inspiration, MA. And this forum is something indeed. People come here, reveal some of their most private thoughts and experiences, prop each other up. I have never met any of them, but I feel like this is a family, scattered about the globe, bound by idealism that refuses to die in the face of powerful adversity.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
I'm just popping on to keep connected and hopefully provide a bit of hope for any newbies that it does get better.
Quick reminder of dates. H started affair with work colleague in Dec 22. I asked him to leave Feb 23 because he was cake eating (living at home but dating AP). It was so hard initially. I couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate. My anxious predictive thoughts were very powerful & I engaged in lots of desperate behaviours to try and entice him back. This forum guided me & highlighted the need to drop the rope, stop fighting, take an observer perspective.
We're now nearing the end of a strange year. It's been my worst year in many respects but funnily enough, also my best year. I've come out of my co dependency & worked hard on myself to increase my confidence. I performed in a local pantomime last week & loved it! I went on an extreme day trip flying to Christmas markets in Europe this week with my daughter & coping with all of it independently. I'm proud of me!
H remains in MLC craziness. I fear its a long journey & crisis misrepresents the longevity in many respects. Over the last year he has broken up & got back together with AP 10 times! Each time, he reconnects and expresses that he loves me & wants me back. This was everything to me at the beginning of the year but I find it tiring now & recognise I am worth more. In one of his episodes of trying to get back with his AP, he filed for divorce. I didn't want this at the time. I do now! I am calm, settled & very happy and content with my life. If you'd asked me could I envisage ending the year like this, I definitely couldn't have. It is completely counterintuitive to follow the advice on here but it works! It doesn't work if your expectation is to bring back your spouse. This might happen and it might not but when you let go if that battle and focus on you, life gets easier. I have no doubt my H would love to return to our family home but too much has passed for me.
Wishing everyone a very merry Christmas and a huge thank you to everyone on this forum in particular DnJ, Kind & Pattnee & Rock. You have all played a really important part of my learning what to do and what not to do & I feel great 😊
The extreme day trip. Flying off for a shopping adventure with daughter (if I understand it correctly) sounds fantastic!
I agree with the misrepresentation of “crisis”. MLC is popular comedic trope in many RomCom type Hollywood endeavours. Pretty much guaranteed none of the writers have actually witnessed a true midlife crisis.
And then there is emotional turmoil, life transitions, loss, grief, depression, and so on; sometimes getting labelled “crisis” as well. Of course, “crisis” is somewhat of a spectrum, so that’s understandable. Yet, a full blown MLC is truly a horrible thing.
The longevity, damage, complete alien-ness of a MLC is remarkable, incredulous. I think anyone, before having any first hand experience with such, has the prejudice and comedic default that society has programmed us with. I know I had. To me, MLC just meant some guy buys a nice red sports car. Ha, not even close. It’s so consuming and enveloping. And a crisis will take as long as it takes.
A MLCer loses the plot so badly. Just look at your H - break up and make up, 10 times! Truly staggering. And yet so script-like.
Originally Posted by MA1970
It is completely counterintuitive to follow the advice on here but it works!
Absolutely! At first, it all sounds so wrong.
I am proud of you MA. You have walked a most positive path, and continue to do so.
To you and your’s, Merry Christmas and all the best in the new year.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
H remains in MLC craziness. I fear its a long journey & crisis misrepresents the longevity in many respects. Over the last year he has broken up & got back together with AP 10 times! Each time, he reconnects and expresses that he loves me & wants me back. This was everything to me at the beginning of the year but I find it tiring now & recognise I am worth more. In one of his episodes of trying to get back with his AP, he filed for divorce. I didn't want this at the time. I do now!
I'm in the same position. If someone had told me seven months ago, "You may not want her back," I would have thought they were crazy. (Actually, I did hear that but didn't believe it).
Right now, I'm pretty much done. She's had two APs (that I know about, including the current one), and one of those was our son's coach. She claims she's wanted out of the marriage for years despite saying everything to the contrary.
Her current AP was likewise dumped by a cheating wife, but she sympathizes with him because, according to her, he did nothing wrong. Her cheating on me is, however, okay because she says I have not treated her up to snuff. And her AP is currently living with his parents, presumably because his post-separation/divorce finances aren't so hot. She lives in a mortgage-free home, but that wouldn't be any kind of enticement, now would it?
Yeah, no. I am worth way more than this lousy treatment.
Good for you, MA.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Thank you DnJ & Sunflyer. I'm so glad you're coming out of the other side Sun. I still get floored every now & then by the odd trigger that activates my negative thoughts but on the whole I'm managing to remind myself it's just another stage of crazy & it will pass....& it always does!
DnJ - you have been such a huge part of my journey. I honestly can't thank you enough. You pitch all your comments with kindness and compassion & it's very much appreciated.
What an amazing update MA. H sounds like a very troubled soul. Breaking up with AP 10 times in 12 months? 😵💫 wow that’s one rock solid relationship right there haha. How ever exciting for you with your trip to Europe and everything you are doing. Truly amazing. I think that’s what a lot of people don’t realise is DB is a lot more about you. A lot of marriages and relationships both parties end up kind of enmeshed co-dependant and lose their sense of self. So if there’s one think you learn it’s to find your individuality again. For both parties even the MLC. Honestly it would be the only real way for any future relationship with them to work Merry Christmas Ma and here’s to 2024 being better and brighter
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Hi all, thought I'd jump on here to give a quick update. It's good to see some familiar names doing so well & following the amazing advice on here.
This week marked a year from when H admitted he was having an affair & a further 2 weeks before I asked him to leave. We'd been together 27 years and he had always been faithful previously. I'd joined here a few weeks before BD when I had some suspicions but really didn't want to admit it. I feel blessed that I found this community & had enough faith to follow direction albeit not perfectly & with a great deal of suffering along the way. I remember lots of comments about dropping the rope & I just couldn't understand how that was possible, it felt like pretending & it didn't really work! It was only really when I started to focus on me that I got glimpses of what it felt like to let go of my side of the battle. He continued throughout to throw snippets at me that I would grab hold of & read too much into. The lovely vets on here would warn me & I eventually started to really listen. It took probably 4 months from BD before I stopped my doormat & spying behaviours. Things got a little easier after that.
One of the biggest battles was with my own mind. I struggled to stay present & my mind kept wandering to the future. As soon as it did this, I was in fear mode. When in this state, all I could notice was the stuff that made me upset & that rope got tighter! I got better at using the virtual STOP sign & being able to notice when my mind was wandering unhelpfully to past or future. At this time, I would either chat to a friend /mum or go for a walk. H has been crazy throughout, proper mid life distress and angst. He struggled (& continues to struggle) with the pain he caused and he managed this by retreating back to his new world (alcohol, AP, avoiding his kids). We would have glimpses of the old H where he was broken hearted at what he had done & begging for forgiveness but then he would retreat back again.
So, where are we now, a year later? Well, the divorce is going ahead. I should get the conditional through in the next few weeks and the absolute is 6 weeks and 1 day later. I'm buying him out of our house & he's accepted a fair offer. The AP & him have been over since August but had some continued contact till around end Nov. He has been keen to return back home & is very apologetic. He's a broken man & I feel for him. I still care deeply about his welfare but equally, I don't want to be his wife anymore. I've used the past year to work on me. I've dropped 91lbs & am feeling far more confident in myself. The weight loss is welcomed but it happened quickly due to the trauma and I did lose a fair bit of hair as well. Fortunately, I'm blessed with a good head of hair and its growing back nicely! I've been approached a few times by different men, which has been flattering and boosted my ego a bit but I'm not quite ready to enter into another relationship just yet. I figure I'll revisit that when I'm divorced. I'm on speaking terms with STBXH & we've met, discussed what happened and I've shared a few truth bombs. I've not shared anywhere near the amount of hurt he has caused because I don't think he could take it. He's so ashamed at what he's done.
It's a funny thing because a year ago, all I wanted was for him to be as he is now. I actually think I would prefer him to still be with AP because I'd know he was OK. I hate to see him suffering but equally, I've learned that our relationship wasn't the perfect relationship I thought it was. We were completely codependent. I mothered him, he didn't take on any responsibility & was dependent on me for most things. On my part, I felt adored (until I wasn't!) & was willing to put up with a banal existence because I felt safe & secure (meanwhile resentment was breeding on both sides). Its a complex thing these affairs and MLC. Once you step back and detach/drop the rope, you can see the full context of the situation. I'm lucky, I've got the most amazing friends & family that have supported me & really backed up what the good folk on here were saying, which made it easier to do. He is less lucky, he doesn't have the same support network as me. His family aren't interested (part of the trigger for MLC) & he has very few friends. We met the other week & he was crying saying he feels he has nothing to show for the past 27 years and that he's stepped back in time (he's living in a studio flat, unfurnished, sleeping on a mattress). When we met, his circumstances were similar. I was the wage earner & we lived a good life, nice house, nice holidays etc. I think this was also a trigger for his MLC.
I can't say it strongly enough for any newbies, please focus on you. What will be, will be. My STBXH did come round but fortunately left it long enough for me to work on myself and see that he wasn't what I wanted. He's not done the work I have, so I have no doubt that he will flit in and out of crisis for some time to come. This makes me sad as I would love to see him settled and happy but I think this will take quite a while longer for him.
Apologies for the long post. I don't know whether people will find it helpful or not. I know I struggled to hear stories where people weren't getting back together when I first came on here. Have faith in the process, this forum is a wonderful place & I really wouldn't be in the positive place I am without it. Thank you vets! 😊
I agree STBXH is still baking, still has a ways to go. His crisis, his timeline. I do hope he finds his way.
Originally Posted by MA1970
We met the other week & he was crying saying he feels he has nothing to show for the past 27 years and that he's stepped back in time (he's living in a studio flat, unfurnished, sleeping on a mattress). When we met, his circumstances were similar.
It is amazing how they recreate their past, how they time travel. Needing to grow up from back when they were emotionally stunted.
My XW did the same thing as from when she was 18 - recreating her exodus from her parents. Even forgetting her purse - again. Running off with her boyfriend, living that sought freedom of a teenager. Pretty wild stuff. Of course, the original time, decades ago, I was the boyfriend.
Congratulations on the weight loss. And for keeping it off. My divorce diet had me traumatically shed a bunch of pounds from my pre-BD of 225lbs down to 170lbs ish. I bounced back up to 190, and have managed to remain mostly around there. My hair is not bouncing back. lol.
Let go the rope, or be dragged. Yes, that is a difficult lesson. Applicable to plenty beyond our situations here.
Originally Posted by MA1970
It's a funny thing because a year ago, all I wanted was for him to be as he is now. I actually think I would prefer him to still be with AP because I'd know he was OK. I hate to see him suffering…
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm on speaking terms with STBXH & we've met, discussed what happened and I've shared a few truth bombs. I've not shared anywhere near the amount of hurt he has caused because I don't think he could take it. He's so ashamed at what he's done.
Absolutely, he could not take it.
I understand you almost preferring he was still with AP.
Some advice, well reiterating some previous advice (which I believe you are doing): Let him walk his path. Do not manipulate his path or journey. STBXH needs to feel his pains, needs to find his way. Anything you do in attempt to speed or steer would be at best - neutral, more likely will stall him, and at worst derail him.
Also, manipulation burdens, unwittingly burdens, one with responsibility of outcome. You definitely do not want his progress/outcome upon your shoulders.
Perfectly fine to be on speaking terms with him. Even supportive and encouraging, kind and cordial. You can see how broken he is.
You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Wonderful hearing from you. Hoping you have a great weekend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you DnJ, Kind & Rock, you've all been a big part of this journey.
DnJ - once again you are so wise. It's taken me a few days to reply because I've had a few more days of craziness. This happens infrequently now but is generally connected with when he goes back to pursuing the OW. Your perception & understanding is unreal DnJ. I met STBX a few days ago. He was regretful, insightful, thoughtful & I had a message on the night telling me how worthless he was etc. I was hooked back in quickly & jumped in with kind words to try & make him feel better. A few messages down the line, he was asking me when the money would come through for the buy out & that he thought it would be easier on me if this happened before the divorce was finalised!! My son then informed me STBX had changed his profile pic to one of him & the original OW. Sigh!!! More twists!! Took me a day before I unhooked myself. It was never about wanting him back, it was about how he makes me feel worthless & that our marriage meant nothing to him. I know this isn't the case. He's still in the fog, still a teenager & still confused. I'm not convinced he'll be able to do the inner child work & it doesn't matter to me. I will continue to be kind and forgiving but will also watch out for getting hooked in to caring for him. As my lovely friends & family point out, he knows my weaknesses & knows what to say that activates the caring side of me. I just need to get better at spotting it earlier!
Rock - My GAL activities are on track! I walk 4 x per week, I have always been a family cook but am practicing cooking more adult social recipes. I have my girlfriends round at least once a month where I attempt my social cooking. I've joined a singing group & am having private singing lessons with the aim of being able to belt out a karaoke tune by the end of the year! I have a girls holiday booked in Europe in May, a family holiday with mum & dad, sister, kids etc in July & a holiday to Dubai with my daughter in August. My son is volunteering football coaching in an Italian school for a month in the summer & I'm going to solo travel to spend a few evenings with him. I continue to work on my independent confidence and am feeling good. Hope all is well for you too
Oh Ma so awesome to hear from you! You are absolutely killing it girl!!! So proud of you and love your update. Maybe I should do the same although not a huge amount to update on here MLC really is not much fun. These people really are lost
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
It's a funny thing because a year ago, all I wanted was for him to be as he is now. I actually think I would prefer him to still be with AP because I'd know he was OK. I hate to see him suffering but equally, I've learned that our relationship wasn't the perfect relationship I thought it was. We were completely codependent. I mothered him, he didn't take on any responsibility & was dependent on me for most things. On my part, I felt adored (until I wasn't!) & was willing to put up with a banal existence because I felt safe & secure (meanwhile resentment was breeding on both sides).
This hits home with me. I'm far enough out that I can see how I indulged her in some positive ways (loving and accepting her despite her feeling inadequate due to her many years of obesity) and some negative ones (indulging her blatant fiscal irresponsibility, despite giving her chance after chance to improve). I got the adoration in return too, which felt great until it stopped, and I passively accepted that she had two jobs that were bring prioritized over me. I think not dealing with that was a mistake on my part, although if I had complained she probably would have said I was too controlling.
So glad to hear you're moving forward on all fronts, MA. Hopefully not being pulled around by him and his drama will be a relief to you. All blessings going forward.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
I’m thinking like a couple hundred bucks.)