You might FEEL like you’re struggling and doing a terrible job, but for us externally looking in, we think you’re doing a GREAT job!
It’s hard, when your own heart and emotions are tangled up, to see things clearly and objectively.
You’re only four months in. Most people only four months in, when presented with a challenging day like a birthday with no contact, probably would have cracked and messaged him. The fact that it was hard for you, but you hung tough and made the smart decision - that tells me you’re actually able to make decisions with your brain, not your broken heart. WELL DONE YOU!
It will always be hard. There’s people on this board who have been here for 10 years who probably have a sad day here and there… totally normal. What sort of un-emotional troglodyte would you be if you didn’t have feelings sometimes?
During my time, I was told by several people (both through the board and external to the board) that 12 months was a minimum amount of time to re-centre yourself. And that timing pretty much worked out perfectly for me - at 12 months, suddenly I felt a big mind-shift and really started moving forward.
Trust me when I say this - you are doing great, and it will get easier!
Also, despite all the great advice on this board, and the principles of DBing - sometimes, things just take time. Time definitely heals all wounds, just trust in that and let it happen.
If you find you start having more and more sad days, it means you need to exercise more. Exercise is heavily linked to mental health and resilience. If you feel yourself struggling, get your butt off to the gym or go for a run. A physically tired person always sleeps better, and has more emotional resilience.
Thank you so much for this confirmation Kind. I think my birthday just threw up a lot of stuff. I've been feeling better this week. D went out for tea with H on Tuesday & I noticed my emotions were reduced. I usually fire up with negative thoughts & predictions when she sees him but I didnt this week. H still seems troubled & I am certain this is a mixture of MLC & limerance. This makes me feel a little sad for him & his future. I've always been the one to look after everyone & he seems lost at sea without this. He seems to look to D(16) for guidance on what to do, which is absolute madness! I've had no contact for a few weeks now & it's helped with detachment. I am still open to saving our marriage but as time goes on and my life gets bigger, I'm starting to see that this may not be the best thing for either of us.
On the GAL front, I have really pushed my boundaries this week & auditioned for a local drama groups christmas pantomime. This is so out of my comfort zone, I can't believe I did it!! I blame the girls night in on Friday night & the wine consumed!! I told the girls that my new mantra was to push myself and say yes. Forward 2 days & I'm stood in a church hall singing the wheels on the bus go round and round!!
As ever, I cannot thank the people in this forum enough, particularly DnJ, Kind and Steve. The guidance can be tough to hear at times but follow it to the letter & you do start feeling more in control of you. I can't control anything H does & none of it makes sense. Dropping the rope for me has included stopping trying to analyse his actions & reading too much into what he says and does, looking out for a crumb of future hope. I've had to let him go & live the life he wants to live at the present time & this allows me to concentrate on living my best life. Who knows what will happen in the future but I'm 54 now so need to live in the present & have some fun!
Divorce can be a brutally hard, life-changing event.
But there’s every possibility you will look back on this time as your finest hour.
One day when you’re looking back, you’ll be immensely proud that you tried to save it, that you worked hard on your flaws, that you got out of your comfort zone to sing “The Wheels On The Bus” … and perhaps, whether your marriage is saved or not, it was the best thing that could have happened to you.
I came here four years ago, completely broken. I now look back on the last four years as the hardest, but also the best and most rewarding time of my life.
Have you seen the Shawshank Redemption?
“Get busy living, or get busy dying. That’s God damn right!”
It’s a great, uplifting movie about grit and determination and prevailing.
“The Blind Side” is also a great movie extolling the virtues of being a good human being and parent even when it’s tough.
Hi everyone. I've not posted for a week so thought I'd do a quick update, review of my GAL & seek some advice.
It's been a bank holiday weekend here in the UK & we've had lovely weather. This has been really great but has brought up lots of difficult thoughts and memories for me of happy family times. I've shed a few tears over the weekend but not uncontrollably and still tried to push myself out of my comfort zone. I just wish I could fully enjoy experiences without them triggering memories & emotions. I do know these pass & I'm getting better at allowing time for this to happen.
GAL update - I got into the pantomime chorus. Im not sure if this is a good or bad thing but definitely outside of my comfort zone! Rehearsals start in a month & I'm hoping to meet new people there. I've been gardening over the weekend. I am not a fan of gardening at all but the weeds were beginning to look like triffids so needs must! My big achievement this weekend was today when I did a BBQ for me & the kids. This was always H's job and I had to Google how to start a charcoal BBQ. I really didn't enjoy lighting it (thought I was going to set myself in fire) & waiting for the coals but the food was delicious and I felt a sense of achievement afterwards.
Kind18 - I also watched the blind side with D on Saturday & cried my eyes out all the way through. I'd forgotten what a lovely film it is so thanks for the reminder.
Reflections on my thoughts over the past week - I've realised my low confidence is about my appearance. Others tell me I'm attractive but I don't believe them and I think this can trigger my fears and sadness about being left on my own. I know a lot of this is body image related & I continue to work on this but probably do need to step up the exercise & stop avoiding joining a gym for fear of others negative judgement. Ive lost nearly 60lbs since BD so looking way better but need to tone up. This really does need to be my next GAL activity.
I have a question for those with more wisdom about all of this. I'm NC with H for the past 5 weeks. He's in touch with D & attempted to see S this week but my S told him that he doesn't want to see him till football season starts in Sept. It's D's prom at the end of June. It's a big deal for her & I want him to see her and get some photo's with her. Should I contact him to ask or leave it to D? Also, when my son passed his exams, we gave him some money. I want to do the same for D so it is fair. Should I ask him if he will pay half for this? I'm really struggling to know what is the best thing to do. I've been happy with NC but I'm aware there will be the odd thing I need to speak to him about such as increasing child maintenance in line with his recent salary increase. These are the more business side of the separation. Any thoughts and advice?
I can see you’re starting to identify your emotions as temporary, and that’s a really good thing. Negative emotions with no apparent end in sight leads to anxiety, depression, sadness, dread… and sometimes long term mental health problems. That’s why we always recommend IC here. Well done on recognising it won’t be like this forever.
Another helpful thing is to realise that this is the worst it will ever be. You’re in the hardest part of it - where you’ve been BD’d, you’ve decided to do the honourable thing and try to save it, and your husband has made it clear he doesn’t want to. You’re in the worst part right now. In six months it will be a tiny bit better. In twelve months it will be SIGNIFICANTLY better. In two years, you’ll rarely think about it.
Not only is this temporary - it will only ever get easier from where you are right now!
Gym - go for it. No more procrastinating. Walk down the street to one today and sign up. Don’t focus too much on cardio, heavy weights are actually the best for losing weight (because you keep burning calories for days after) and also best for your mental health. Find someone to go with so there’s more accountability. You’re not allowed to quit for the first 30 days, because it will take that long before you start enjoying it.
Your job is not to make him see his kids.
If your son asks about it, encourage him that it’s good to have his dad in his life. Tell your daughter she can contact her Dad and you’ll support that 100% if she wants him involved in her prom night. Sounds like your kids are old enough to make their own decisions, you just STFU and always support it if that’s what they want (or don’t).
Money gift - no, definitely don’t contact him. Give your daughter half of what you gave to son, and tell her that’s what you can afford right now. If you can afford more, then give her the full amount.
Don’t contact him, don’t interfere, but always support. That’s your job now.
The “5 weeks no contact” comment makes me think you’re perhaps struggling with that and looking for an excuse to contact him. Leave him be, until he actually WANTS to be involved in your kids’ lives, you’ll just end up hurting yourself if you try to shoe-horn him into their lives.
You can’t force other people, you’ll just end up getting hurt when it doesn’t work out. The only thing you can control and force - is you!
From my experience regarding children, graduations, weddings, gifts, and such:
It is not your job to facilitate a relationship between H and the kids. It’s your job to just not destroy it.
Their relationship is their’s. Definitely be supportive of your kids’ decisions and choices. Offer your wisdom and guidance when/if asked for it. And gently steer, be a role model, a living example.
Son seems to have his mind made up for no contact with Dad over the summer until football starts back up. If he brings this up, I’d validate, and perhaps even inquiry into why. See his reasoning. Listen to his reasons (and/or feelings) for his choice. Just reaching out, not trying to alter.
I’d talk to daughter about her upcoming graduation. See what she wants. Pictures, supper, seating arrangement, father/daughter dance, etc.
Yes, family pictures will be a nice thing to have. If D wants to inform Dad of the schedule and details of the pictures, that’s fine. If she wants you to do that, that’s good too. You simply inform H of date, time, and place. Basically, setting up an appointment.
Joint gifts are yet another causality in the relationship strife. I’d not do joint gift giving. I get that it would be nice to maintain the same amounts and the joint efforts for daughter as it was for son. Thing is, it’s not the same. So, do the best you can. I’d give daughter the full amount. She earned it. (I’m surmising a smallish size pile of cash here. You did say - some money. I’m thinking like a couple hundred bucks.)
Whatever H/Dad decides to give, or maintain, or new traditions, or not, is on him. You do you. You do for your kids.
For big ticket items, for example, say you and H bought son a car before all this. And now you want to buy daughter a car. That would have a few logistical hurdles to overcome. A conversation would be necessary.
A new repetitive expense would also require a conversation to decide allocation of responsibility for each of you. It may be 50/50, it may not be. A lot of the bigger things depend upon the legal separation agreement set forth. The smaller gifts and such are individual.
Hope that helps.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Just posting weekly update to keep me on track. The advice on NC from Kind & DnJ was really helpful & I've stuck to it.
It's been a really rough week in terms of emotions & I struggled to eat again for a few days till I regulated myself back in the present. His OW changed her profile pic on social media to one of her & him. He looked really happy & this killed me. I don't follow her (or stalk her account) but she came up on daughters feed as a potential friend & D showed me. It completely destroyed me for a few days but I then took a reality check. Its no different than the day before. I know he wants to be with her at present. I know he's happy when he's with her. I've seen a photo of it now. So what? (Except it kills Me!). It’s been the biggest emotional response for some time so shocked me a bit & threw me off track for a good few days.
GAL activity - I joined the gym!!! I hate it but I'm going. Its a cheap gym so no frills, which is quite intimidating because its full of young lads lifting weights. I went with D & although I'm not committing to Kinds every day for 30 days (holiday in 2 weeks), I'm going alternate days to my walking & this feels like a good balance.
I'm really struggling with why I feel so attached to H. My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger but I really struggle with how he could leave me for OW. She looks trashy, has no morals & he's her third man in less than a year. I think I've got a lot of old narratives about what my life should be like ie happy married wife & mum & I feel sad that this has been taken away from me by someone who doesn't measure up. I'm starting to get a little angry but the big emotions are still sadness and anxiety. I struggle with no contact at all, it feels like there's no hope & he's living his best life with no responsibility whilst I battle on through most days. I'm work in progress with distancing from my thoughts. I'm trying not to engage with my internal dialogue about whether it's true or false & just take a step back, observe my response & think I have choices about responding differently. It's really hard and I keep coming back to it feeling like play acting & when will it ever go away.
Forward planning: I've got a night out booked in at the weekend for cocktails with a few close friends. I've bought myself a new outfit & aim to look as gorgeous as I can! We'll then be on countdown to hols.
Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I really do value them all and try and incorporate everything that is advised.
Last edited by DnJ; 06/06/2302:38 PM. Reason: Corrected typos.
Just posting weekly update to keep me on track. The advice on NC from Kind & DnJ was really helpful & I've stuck to it.
It's been a really rough week in terms of emotions & I struggled to eat again for a few days till I regulated myself back in the present. His OW changed her profile pic on social media to one of her & him. He looked really happy & this killed me. I don't follow her (or stalk her account) but she came up on daughters feed as a potential friend & D showed me. It completely destroyed me for a few days but I then took a reality check. Its no different than the say before. I know he wants to be with her at present. I know he's happy when he's with her. I've seen a photo of it now. So what? (Except it kills Me!). Its been the biggest emotional response for some time so shocked me a bit & threw me off track for a good few days.
GAL activity - I joined the gym!!! I hate it but I'm going. Its a cheap gym so no frills, which is quite intimidating because its full of young lads lifting weights. I went with D & although I'm not committing to Kinds every day for 30 days (holiday in 2 weeks), I'm going alternate days to my walking & this feels like a good balance.
I'm really struggling with why I feel so attached to H. My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger but I really struggle with how he could leave me for OW. She looks trashy, has no morals & he's her third man in less than a year. I think I've got a lot of old narratives about what my life should be like ie happy married wife & mum & I feel sad that this has been taken away from me by someone who doesn't measure up. I'm starting to get a little angry but the big emotions are still sadness and anxiety. I struggle with no contact at all, it feels like there's no hope & he's living his best life with no responsibility whilst I battle on through most days. I'm work in progress with distancing from my thoughts. I'm trying not yo engage with my internal dialogue about whether it's true or false & just take a step back, observe my response & think I have choices about responding differently. It's really hard and I keep coming back to it feeling like play acting & when will it ever go away.
Forward planning: I've got a night out booked in at the weekend for cocktails with a few close friends. I've bought myself a new outfit & aim to look as gorgeous as I can! We'll then be on countdown to hols.
Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I really do value them all and try and incorporate everything that is advised.
Hi. It sounds like you're doing well. Back in my younger days, I always subscribed to the theory that you'll think about someone until the next one comes along. I'm certainly not advocating you to go hook up with someone. But a fun night out with friends, and getting some attention from other men would probably do a lot for your confidence. Again, not saying to hook up. But I went out w/ friends a few weeks ago, and it was nice to see a few women even make eye contact with me.
Just keep focusing on yourself as much as possible. There's no easy way through this, but you'll get there.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Congratulations on the gym! And the continued walking.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm really struggling with why I feel so attached to H.
A little advice. Wording. Your mind is always listening and crafting your world view.
Originally Posted by MA1970
My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger but I really struggle with how he could leave me for OW. She looks trashy, has no morals & he's her third man in less than a year.
The word “but”. It is concatenating multiple views together and reinforcing attachment. Detachment starts by identifying and individualizing one’s thoughts, which one then expresses/reinforces in/with one’s speech. This then influences one’s emotions and beliefs.
Untie H, his behaviour, trashy OW, and her behaviour from your big bright life, world, and future. “My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger.” Absolutely! Do not detract from, nor diminish, your accomplishments and gains.
Separate thoughts. Separate sentences and paragraphs. With such organizing, you can strengthen your positive thoughts, and let go/detach the other a little easier.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Forward planning: I've got a night out booked in at the weekend for cocktails with a few close friends. I've bought myself a new outfit & aim to look as gorgeous as I can! We'll then be on countdown to hols.
Yes!
Enjoy the night out with your friends.
Ah, two weeks until holidays. Any particular plans for the time off?
Have a great day MA.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I’m thinking like a couple hundred bucks.)