Rock you've been getting lots of support here from others so I've stayed mostly out of your tried except to read.
My best advice for you is to be careful using excuses as to why you cannot effectively DB. We've seen several posters here buck the advice in order to do what they felt they should do impulsively. In every one of those cases they ended up getting exactly what they were trying to avoid. Humans have a natural tendency to create that which they fear the most. DBing is about bucking that trend. That's why it is counter intuitive, because doing what gives naturally is what causes us to create what we fear the most.
They advice hear feels uncomfortable because bucking what comes naturally feels uncomfortable. Unfortunately, it's the only way to change the dynamics of your situation.
Keep on keeping on, Rock, but do it differently of you want different outcomes.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes this makes sense. I have been making progress in being less impulsive. And more purposeful. I m started to recognize the impulsivity finally before Christmas and I have made strides in not giving in to it since and it has changed my relationship dynamics.
Before the nervous system injury (ptsd) I would not have come across as impulsive. And after BD, it worsened.
So moving on from excuses and I recognize my own challenges and some things to address decisively. Reading about solution focus in DR today.
Interesting as well, I am not getting feedback from those close to me- family, close friends, therapist that I am coming across as needy. Either they all are not being honest or I don’t show it in those places.
Some feedback from that circle to me has drawn attention to me being too nice (I’ve heard that here) concerns about me not standing up for myself (especially in the past)
Interesting as well, I am not getting feedback from those close to me- family, close friends, therapist that I am coming across as needy. Either they all are not being honest or I don’t show it in those places.
I think I will bring that up in IC.
That's because you are still Rock to them...
They are seeing you as you have always been...
They aren't seeing you from the outside, with combined years of learning and dealing with a WAS.
They haven't seen what works and what doesn't in regards to saving yourself , which ultimately is your one best chance at having another shot at a renewed marriage with your current spouse...
With that said....
Being "Rock" is what helped you get here....
So like the others have said, keep being "Rock" and work toward the result you are working to...
OR
Embrace what has been said to you, and find a way forward....
You keep saying PTSD, and I do understand how real that can be.
You keep going over it with your IC, which doesn't seem to be doing much. Basically, IF your IC fixes you, then they stop being paid.....remember that. Not saying they aren't good, yet their interest is waaaayyy more focused on getting paid than actually helping you....
So you CHOOSE to own your PTSD, or you ALLOW it own you...
Your IC can guide you, yet in the end.....YOU are the only person that is responsible/accountable for Rock....
And the choice is......you either do, or don't
You said you are re-reading DB/DR....
So how about maybe getting back to (or possibly finally starting) some DB101 principals....
DBing is a lot like basic training for the military. We have so many "unhealthy" ways of behaving that we learned. We misinterpret words and teachings from the Bible. Our parents are not the best role models. Our coping mechanisms are flawed. We did lots of things while married that caused resentment within our spouses. The list goes on and on. That is why DBing is soo counter-intuitive.
DBing is triage. Stop the bleeding. Fix the biggest layers of the onion as quick as possible. It is a DIY activity.
We all suck at understanding attraction and seduction when we arrive here. If we knew these things during the marriage, we would not be here. As a man, I can see you need lots of work in this area. They are learned skills. Some learn them early in life. The rest of us had to find out the hard way. Now you are at a hard spot. How do you get the skills you need without the ability to practice? You have to gain knowledge from others. Here, observing "attractive guys" and how they interact with their lady, books, other recourses on the internet etc....
Nothing is less attractive than a needy guy. Burn that into your brain.
I tell the guys here not to be boring. A woman wants excitement in her life. Even if that is an argument with her man. I suggest being exciting in other ways, but sometimes intentionally creating drama with your woman is better than being boring.
I am an outdoors guy. But when I was single I was not attracting the ladies because I go hunting and fishing and camping. Motorcycle rides, going out to concerts, dancing, making them feel safe, STFU and listening to them like they are the only person on the planet etc...One of my dance partners was significantly younger than me and very attractive. Lots of woman in the place always gave me good eye contact while I was dancing with her. She increased my attractiveness. When I am out with my lady, I get more attention from other ladies.
How many parties have you had since W left? How manly is your bedroom? How much do you know about BSDM (or whatever bedroom actives interest you)? There are 100's of other questions to ask yourself. I don't need answers from you. Just things for you to think about.
You be you. Take a look at who you have been and who you want to be. No rules. Stay or change.
You really want your W back? You have soo many things to change to draw her back. She left you for a reason. Because she was not attracted to your behaviors. She couldn't handle being with you anymore. Just like my X. Just like the rest of the guys here.
Become a sexy guy. Not for her but for you. When you have other women pursuing you, you have the right stuff that she might decide to come back. Until then, keep focused on you and your personal growth.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
They haven't seen what works and what doesn't in regards to saving yourself , which ultimately is your one best chance at having another shot at a renewed marriage with your current spouse..
So I have a flashpoint crucible conflict now in my hero epic to step up and be real and follow through to salvage an authentic honest life of integrity and purpose.
And…
Being "Rock" is what helped you get here....
So like the others have said, keep being "Rock" and work toward the result you are working to...
OR
Embrace what has been said to you, and find a way forward
So while I might not be able to fundamentally change my personality and makeup and I can’t grow taller, there are vital changes for me to make in how I think and act and find a way forward.
And…
You said you are re-reading DB/DR....
So how about maybe getting back to (or possibly finally starting) some DB101 principals....
Basics as I see them from my re-read for my sitch:
LRT - no chase, no pressure, no pursuit, no spying/surveillance GAL - for me Be strong, distill/clarify/live my authentic values
Watch and wait - so far pretty much nothing on the surface has seemed to change for the better with regards to the R. But, more subtly, I am doing better. I’m enjoying life without her. And we are cooperating when it comes to our kids and shared responsibilities. And we are not having R talks.
I am going to examine more closely opportunities for action on 180s
I recognize that this reads as general talk in concepts and ‘where are the specifics?’ ‘where is the real Rock?’
Like Steve said above, “Keep on keeping on, Rock, but do it differently of you want different outcomes.”
I absolutely do want different outcomes. I have built this failure (I see more and more my shortcomings and ways that I neglected to build and renew a great marriage over the course and stages of our time together) over time and now I need to clean up my mess. I have been working at that and will continue, but I need to see how to do it differently.
And many of you pointed out, don’t make excuses for why I don’t DB.
Gentlemen, and of course MA, Patt, newborn and marching,
You are all such inspiration to me: your faithfulness courage resolve capacity to endure and love!
I see so many ways I am not getting it done and struggling massively. The desire is there and I have to honest to question my willingness to do what it takes, my courage to face my fears and go thru the gauntlet. I know I can get what it takes. It might not save my M but will save me.
