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Thanks D, yes I certainly know never act on emotion now. Never send that text or say those words. A few months back in that situation I would have
Bombarded h with texts of pleading begging etc. Now I just tried to harness them and realised I felt better the next day and no longer felt I needed to act on anything.

I’m learning more about myself that’s for sure. Def a 180 for me to actually actively listen to a work related story where I used to find them not relevant fo me and tune out. This certainly was a good example for me to see H turn toward me in a positive way( like we used to interact).

Today I read back at my “goals” I wrote when I read a section at the start of DR and MWD talks about short term small goals. I remember reading those chapters and having big extravagant ones and having to re write them as the chapter went on. This was about a month ago now and I realised two goals have actually been ticked. He asked me how my day has been and has initiated a cuddle and connection. And we had conversations about mundane everyday things where we laughed and joked liked we used to and he is holding eye contact and smiling. ( I had started to hold alot more eye contact and smiling a lot more lately at him and initially he kept asking why I kept staring at him because I hadn’t stared for a long time at him).
Anyway it was just a small win again when I read back and think of the little gains since reading DR and doing my 180 etc. I mentioned the other day when H was asking about my days and plans and general chit chat that I was going to start running again, and about a week later he asked if he could join me when I do( still have to wait for the all clear on surgery).
So what does this mean? Who knows and I don’t need answers but the little gains to me are positive because I am seeing positive changes in the man I love. These changes in him lately make me so happy not for me or is, but for his own well-being and not see him live and wallow
In his misery. He still has alot going on with his emotions and inside his own head but at least just a little bit of positive influence from me can help him.
For now I am still just letting him lead and walking beside him but still DB as I go.
A lot of DB as I go. Which park he chooses is up to him but I’m still celebrating the little wins even if nobody else will for him 😊


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I'm still concerned that you are basing YOUR progress on HIS actions. DBing is about progressing regardless of what he is saying or not saying. Doing it not doing.

Pattnee l forget if you are in IC or not. But I think you'd benefit greatly from it. I feel you are in a codependent relationship. And unless you deal with that even if he comes back you'll just be setting yourself up for a future BD #2.

Remember, focus off of him completely and on to yourself.


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Hi Steve, yes I am in IC and have been since BD In Dec. Honestly I don’t think I could have been where I am today and done as much growth as I have done today without it and without my IC. She has been such a huge help.

I understand what you mean Steve, I am not looking at my progress based of H, I have grown and changed so much within myself the last few months and done a great deal of work on myself with IC, with reading books, DR, this forum. It wasn’t until IC pointed out to me recently that all of that on my end is work (I kind of just brushed it aside).

I understand what you mean about focusing on his actions but I’m not basing my actions on seeing his reaction if that makes sense. I am certainly not giving to get anything and not implementing these self changes for H rather for me and the kids. It is just observations I have made in H behaviour just as a result of my changes (he hasn’t been in a great place or been his normal self so seeing glimmers of him again is wonderful rather than his “robotic ness “ as he called it).

I still love H deeply and want our M to work out so of course I do notice when he does something, and think about him and about us from time to time but more in a generalized sense now (whereas I used to obsess over what could happen how it could pan out etc). Now I know I can’t fix him and this is his stuff to deal with not mine. But yes I do notice his changes too because IF he does want to return I want to ensure it’s a proper return too, so I am noticing his changes no matter how small they are.

I understand what you are saying about codependent. I don’t think I am. I certainly don’t need or use him for anything. Maybe H is a bit with me, but I don’t know.

Anyway like I said everything I do now is for me and myself as a person for my growth, but I do still want this M. I do still love my H and have some goals based around us. My IC did say to just walk beside him for now as it’s only been a few months and too soon to pull the pin but in the meantime keep doing the work on myself and know I’m going to be ok. So that’s what I am doing I focus on me more and more each day. All my energy now goes on my own self care and own emotional well being (it certainly never used to).

I am becoming so much more resilient, so patient and calm in stressful situations, and have really evaluated my self worth and goals and know what I deserve (if he tried to come back a few months ago the state I was in I would have just opened the door and let everything fall back to how it was). I know now that isn’t what I want at all. I do feel I have more resilience and more balance within myself. However, yes I do still see what H is acting like too (even though I keep thinking “he’s a cashier he’s a cashier”).

I am just a tad confused should I just not be even observing his actions of caring behaviour or his own changes? Should I be ignoring them instead - does that somehow help detach more? I don’t want to become so cold toward him and ignore him, I thought it was about detaching from the rejection and the situation not pulling away and ignoring the actual person. Maybe I have that part confused. I don’t feel I need to cut off all contact completely, because I am fine in his presence now it doesn’t upset or phase me.

I started rereading DR again maybe I’ll get more out of it again.

Thanks Steve I will think about what you wrote again, I certainly don’t feel I am codependent now (def used to be in a way) but I am certainly standing on my own two feet. I’ll pay more attention to things this next week and see.

Last edited by DnJ; 05/17/23 12:52 PM. Reason: Corrected typos.

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Good Morning Patt

Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I am just a tad confused should I just not be even observing his actions of caring behaviour or his own changes? Should I be ignoring them instead - does that somehow help detach more? I don’t want to become so cold toward him and ignore him, I thought it was about detaching from the rejection and the situation not pulling away and ignoring the actual person. Maybe I have that part confused. I don’t feel I need to cut off all contact completely, because I am fine in his presence now it doesn’t upset or phase me.

It is fine to notice H’s changes and behaviours.

Noticing; not obsessing. Nor inferring too much positive or negative meanings to a spouse’s behaviours. Time. Longer term, more consistent demonstrated behaviours give more data points and therefore a clearer picture. Still, things can and do change; especially whilst they are embroiled in their emotions and depression. Again, time. H’s journey is his, and it will be a while before he stops flip flopping about.

Cutting off contact - going dark; or less contact - going dim; is a tool, a strategy for the LBS to regain their balance. It’s not a modification tool to fix our spouse.

For LBS starting out, we are enmeshed with our spouse and the situation. We are not detached and suffer as we are uncontrollably dragged about by our spouse’s words and behaviours. Going dark/dim helps the LBS. After a while, the LBS is much less dragged about, much less hanging on to the rope. Detachment bringing a peace and a new perspective.

At this point, the LBS can ease back on the dimness. However, boundaries may need to be employed. This is similar to being dark, in that boundaries are for you. The difference is why.

One firsts goes dark for themselves. To shield themselves from the hurtful and constant barrage. Once one is healed enough and acquires a certain level of realizing / understanding - emotionally and intellectually - they find detachment. It’s here one moves from dark/dim to boundaries.

Boundaries are implemented due to our spouse’s behaviour, due to a spouse’s disrespect. It’s an important, yet subtle shift. A controlled response rather than the preemptive action.

As you stated, detached from the situation. It’s not ignoring H, and not being entangled. You live and move forward. You have controlled interactions (your side) with H during the limited exchanges. And enact boundaries when necessary; a high likelihood with a clinging boomerang.

That being said, time and space are still the best path forward. A spouse needs their space to consider and reconsider their choices. For a spouse who still interacts with the LBS, they will push and test you. And is when to enforce a boundary.

Detachment, indifference, withdrawal, letting go, discovering and organizing one’s beliefs, etc. Steps along the journey. Unearthing that which we hold dear, that which we will defend, that which is our life’s convictions; is the rock solid foundation upon which to build oneself. Know thy self, and know thy values. That, is the bedrock of boundaries and the why of how to interact.

D


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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
WAS's KNOW that what they are doing is not exactly holding up their end of the marriage vows. This is especially the case if there are children involved. In my situation, to justify his actions, I fully believe my H had to cultivate an enormous level of contempt for me. That was really, really hard to come to terms with. That he pretty much had to hate me in order to be able to look at himself in the mirror and be okay with how he was treating me.

My WAW had so much hate towards me. She has now come around and says she doesn’t have hate towards me anymore. I told her that I was happy to here that. Not because it made me feel better but because she was becoming a healthy.

Last edited by Dats000; 05/17/23 09:40 PM.

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Thanks for that D
Makes complete sense. I am definitely not obsessing over it and do keep thinking “believe half of what he does” so I do know it’s a long journey ahead and for now I am just staying centred and not thinking too much of it.
I tell you I wish I knew about the going dark in the early days when I was clinging begging crying not eating not sleeping. I needed it back then when I didn’t have my balance or feet and zero boundaries.
I’m still prepared to be patient with lots of time and space. I am getting better at instilling my boundaries and standing up for my beliefs and values now rather than just bowing down like a lost puppy which is good. I feel like I am finding myself again finally and almost like I can breathe too. Of course I have my emotional days too but they are definitely getting far less frequent. I am also not doing everything for him like before-looking back at my behaviour pre DR wow I was very much doing everything wrong, especially over-functioning to try and get H back. Not realistic at all.
As I said I am re-reading DR again now. I feel far more centred and grounded at the moment. Meditating daily has helped a great deal ( especially if emotions creep in). Hopefully I get the all clear to exercise in two weeks and can start running. Lots of things on with the kids, watching some stand up comedy shows on streaming at nights to laugh, some outings with the girls over the next few weekends 🙂 For now I am re-discovering me and feel good about it regardless when and where H will slot into my life in the future.


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Patt, When I see your posts they remind me of me a long time ago. Nothing could have prepared you for this. There are two things I want to tell you. 1. I recommend the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. 2. Your husband is not thinking like you. Observing his behavior from your perspective is not reliable. He is most likely detached from you. What you observe as caring behavior possibly only cordial. Take care of yourself. Wonder

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Thankyou Wonder I will look Into that book and I certainly am not taking any of these observations to heart. He has alot of work to do on himself. I’m not going searching for these cordial actions that’s for sure ( I used to try and cling but now I am working on my detachment too )


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Just wanted to check in for the week. Still reading through my second time of DR and getting a bit more out of it this time. Have been out with friends on the weekend which was great fun full of food and wine, working, walking and working on my own self healing. A bit of meditating, reading, and honestly enjoying time to myself to reconnect with myself too.
I even bought myself flowers on my way home from work last week.honestly just because I love flowers and they made my day.

I have also managed to just let the emotions happen and pass and not try to fight them and find things alot better now. The moments don’t happen often at all but sometimes my mind goes wondering and I beat myself up a bit. I’m still GAL as much as I can, trying to 180 in myself as a person and seen some major improvements. Situations where in the past I would have reacted differently toward kids or work, and just taking a moment to reassess and do the complete opposite and loving it for sure. I’m much calmer and balanced. It could be all the meditating I am doing at night before bed to unwind, or singing along to songs in the car on the way to work 😌

As for H he’s still around. I am now just kind of going with the flow. No heavy talks or anything coming up but he often asks if he can join me for a cup of tea or to watch some tv for a while and is being super chatty . I don’t bring anything up anymore, I can’t honestly tell you the last time I told him I loved him( even though I do).
Conversations are very relaxed and fun( more than they have been in a year). He’s very interested in my work and life, complimenting my cooking even.He has mentioned a few times how he’s back at the gym and loving it and how hard it was last year when he never went( exercise and mental health is so important), he talks about work as well and makes jokes.
I just sit and listen and smile and validate where I need to. There’s been a few compliments from him toward me and my appearance which is nice, a wink or two, and I even caught him staring at me smiling the other day when I was busying myself. He used to always compliment me in the past and I was so dumb I always just brushed it aside or didn’t give it much attention at all. It’s funny now having this happen and my self realisation how bad that was on my behalf to hurt his feelings like that by not at least acknowledging the compliment. You don’t realise how much you actually like it until it’s gone

I’m not reading anything into all of this behaviour,I know he’s still on a seesaw and until the day he wants to work on the relationship I will just let this slide and not get my hopes up. I have faith but I’m keeping my hopes on the low down. It’s good to see him changing within himself as a person though because he certainly was not a fun person to be around last year and this has been a big eye opener for me that I just plodded along the way co-existing in that negativity.

Just some observations I’ve made of H over the last week and worth a mention at least. He did thank me the other day for being patient with him. I just smiled and nodded. What else can you do really.

I’m still being upbeat and positive and trying to keep a positive mindset on everything I do now.
I’m ok living in the unknown (gosh a month ago I wanted answers so bad) now I honestly don’t really care I am just getting on with life, working, planning outings, looking at hobbies, investing in the kids and home life. Hopefully he comes along for the ride eventually but I’m not putting my life on hold to find out. It’s up to him to keep up.

I know it’s wierd, my friends always ask what’s going on has anything happened. I just brush it aside now. It’s wierd living in the unknown really and in this state of limbo but it certainly doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I feel like I am really starting to create a healthy relationship with myself and it’s been a very long time indeed.


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Good Morning Patt

It brought a smile to me reading such a wonderful update.

Embrace limbo, and the unknown and uncertainty. They are companions along your journey. Part of the gift of time. Limbo is only in spousal relationship; you are wisely not putting your life on hold in the other facets of your life. Kids, hobbies, work, outings, singing in the car… it’s a huge list!

Less burning need for answers, the ability to let go and not fret. Bit of indifference. Yes?

Indifference. It’s weird. Strange. The newness and peace of it all. A great opportunity and time to dig into and discover one’s self. And you are doing that; which brought about the biggest smile to me. Well done. And have an awesome day!

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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