I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

Night ended up ok and I feel ok with today. Had another message later in the day saying again how genuinely sorry H was for yesterdays outburst and had even bought me chocolates to apologise.
I was still working. Said he was feeling better and didn’t need alone time and asked about possibly having dinner together. I politely declined and said I would prefer some time to myself tonight. I was genuinely exhausted and emotionally drained and didn’t want to put on a fake happy “fake it u til you make it” facade. He acknowledged my response and said he understood and would go for a walk and touch base tomorrow
I feel alot
Calmer now. I genuinely just wanted to breathe today. Had my brother over instead and had a laugh instead. Far more relaxed than playing fake house. I feel I am getting stronger slightly
I know H is not in a good place within dealing with his own emotion but I also know he needs to be the one to fix himself and get himself out of this hole in order
For it to actually work. If I try to drag him through my ways he will revert in no time. I think the anger and feeling emotion is going to do him the world
Of
Good if he learns to harness it. The same way I am learning to harness my emotions too and my patience
Goodness it’s a slog isn’t it.
Hopefully a good weekend ahead

[SteveLW]

Pattnee, can you look at your last message and give me a % of the part that focused on him? And then they % that is focused on you

This man is sounding like a narcissist. He wants the focus on him. He feeds off it. "I want a day alone. No wait I want dinner together." Good job on telling him no, I would have preferred if you just ignored it.

Today when he asked why you never responded, you could have said "I was busy and giving you what you asked for."

My suggestion for you?! Turn notifications for his texts off. Then you can go in once or twice a day to see if he texted, and what they say. I get the impression that the minute your phone buzzes you're checking to see if it's from him, and what it says. Remember, he feeds off of that. When you become less and less responsive you'll be taking his cake away.

So you want to drop the rope? Turn off notifications for his texts. Drop that rope.

[Pattnee5]

Thankyou Steve. From what I gathered he woke up feeling rubbish for his emotional anger storm out. So quickly sent a message that AM asking for space. I didn’t respond. I actually didn’t respond to several messages. Then his reality obviously kicked in and guil and apologised multiple times. Then obviously when the apology was out and his emotions had lifted he decided he was ok again( or just seeking comfort or something) anyway I had a nice night with my space.

Yes I used to jump at messages and responding but now I am tending to ignore them alot more because if k am honest and think back to once BD and when he moved out he would ignore alot of mine to so I thought stuff it.

I saw him briefly this morning when he picked up
The kids.I was busying myself in the laundry and again he came in and apologised for the way he acted and proceeded to hug me tight. I felt myself quite cold on my response which I didn’t like. Proceeded to tell me it was all him and the anger was not on
And I am not a punching bag. That’s where I spoke upand just said yea I am not a punching bag.
Anyway it’s a tough one to Navigate I know he genuinely cares, maybe even still has feeling buried in his emotional turmoil.

I don’t like those angry outbursts though and just solidified another part for me that I am glad he isn’t living here with that not in control because that would happen more often.
Anyway Thankyou Steve you always give me stuff to think more about and ponder

I’ll try the notifications

[Pattnee5]

One thing I am finding helping me feel better is actually getting dressed up on the weekend and putting on some light make up again, wearing clothes that I haven’t for a while because I used to just live in activewear on the weekend.
D14 has made multiple compliments and even asked me “where are you going” I said nowhere just want to look good today.
H has noticed too he has asked multiple times if I am wearing makeup or said I look nice( while he is in the same rotation of sweats)

I did find last night I sat and had a teary on my own before bed. Just let myself cry and feel
The emotions.even just little things like trying to plan a family vacation now I think I just plan for 3, my plans can’t include him so it just saddened me, missing the man he was(not this version of him that is emotionally distorted and never wants to talk about any thoughts or feeling, he never used to be like that). I am getting slowly stronger and trying my best, it’s just a work in progress

[MikeP]

One thing I am finding helping me feel better is actually getting dressed up on the weekend and putting on some light make up again, wearing clothes that I haven’t for a while because I used to just live in activewear on the weekend.
D14 has made multiple compliments and even asked me “where are you going” I said nowhere just want to look good today.
H has noticed too he has asked multiple times if I am wearing makeup or said I look nice( while he is in the same rotation of sweats)

I did find last night I sat and had a teary on my own before bed. Just let myself cry and feel
The emotions.even just little things like trying to plan a family vacation now I think I just plan for 3, my plans can’t include him so it just saddened me, missing the man he was(not this version of him that is emotionally distorted and never wants to talk about any thoughts or feeling, he never used to be like that). I am getting slowly stronger and trying my best, it’s just a work in progress

Just one guys perspective- we all have those moments. Don’t fight it and don’t dwell too long in the moment. W has been home since Memorial Day last year and I still have those moments. I miss what I thought we once had. Like I’ve been told on here, the innocence of our old R is gone. There is probably a great deal of romanticizing on my part. Regardless, I miss who I thought my W was. In time I think these moments become fewer and farther apart. Hang in there.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Mike
Yesterday was incredibly tough being Mother’s Day. Kids had bought me a great gift and H came over in the morning to bring me coffee and breakfast. That was incredibly kind.I spent the afternoon/evening at a sporting event with the kids which was fun but behind my happy mask underneath I was hurting and wishing for my complete unit to be together. It’s hard being out and seeing other family units and realising you always took that for granted. Ended up tearing up again before bed and just letting it out. Could be hormones I don’t know, however kept wrestling with myself as to whether I need to finalise this now and call it over with H and start proceedings. I know once I do that there is no turning back for me.
Did anyone else used to get those feelings along the way? I feel ok now that feeling subsided and I keep reminding myself be patient it’s only been a few months and there is certainly small positive signs. Going to put my walls up this week and try and distance myself a lot more I think. As Steve said let him miss me a bit too.

[Rockon]

Yes I have had feelings like that along the way they come and go and are there for me to deal with.

[Pattnee5]

Phew Rockon at least I’m not the only one. I guess I need to learn to harness them and control them and push them away for now

[Pattnee5]

I’m starting DR book all over again from the start. I figured the second time I read it ( now a few weeks later) I may get more out of it. I also recently realised another neglect in my part the last year or so. This only dawned on me the other day when H asked me about my day and then proceeded to tell me about his and some work stuff. In the past the moment that would happen I would completely zone out and do something because I was “busy”, but realisation came during that conversation was I made sure I turned all my focus on H listened attentively and it was like his world lit up( that’s when I realise how terrible I had been in the past) I just smiled nodded validated a few times about someone who annoyed him. Lightbulb moment, and his whole persona changed and H then proceeded to do everything around the house while I was out. It’s amazing what something like this can open your eyes to the errors of your ways in the past. Sometimes I am extremely harsh and critical of myself but only because I am trying ro be the best version of myself moving forward for me and for the kids.
Anyway will start the DR all over again and pull out more chunks x my moment of sadnes yesterday was just my emotions and brain going into hyperdrive. I ended up meditating in the evening and early morning, got the dog out for a walk and felt so much calmer and relaxed. I can’t have a plan in this, it’s just day by day and see where it leads. I am just focusing on the only thing I can control and fix and that’s me.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

…kept wrestling with myself as to whether I need to finalize this now and call it over with H and start proceedings. I know once I do that there is no turning back for me.

Did anyone else used to get those feelings along the way? I feel ok now that feeling subsided

An excellent illustration of why we should not make decisions based upon our emotions/feelings.

Emotions will rise and subside. Acknowledge them. For that is truly what “they” are after. To be heard, not necessarily followed.

One’s feelings are an expression of their subconscious self. A mixture of drives, passions, questions, doubts, beliefs, uncertainties, ideas and ideals, wants and wishes, and so on. Hear them. Acknowledge them. And continue to follow the rational headings decided upon before, when more calm and at peace.

It is interesting how H lit up. His entire world view seemed to alter with some active listening. H is very much currently driven by his emotions. And I’d place him as a clinging boomerang type. One who still seeks/needs reassurance, even as they are pulling away. Like a teenager growing up.

Keep walking forward. Keep divorce busting and becoming your best self. H does notice and is inspired and influenced by your path. What he will do, what choices he will make, all remain to be seen. None of which should detract you from your path to whole and healed.

You are doing very well.

D