Didn’t sleep great last night ( not surprised considering the hissy fit storm out). Spent a good few hours reading forums and stories instead. Not sure what version of H will encounter today but don’t plan to be here to find out as I’m off to work. Don’t like being solely blamed for everything to be honest spent alot of the night with my brain buzzing. I really don’t recognise this version of H he is a very different person the last 12 months to what he’s been for 20+ years. Hasn’t taken a single bit of accountability for his part in all of this and even acknowledged he didn’t once voice his concerns and bottled everything up. I still feel he thinks everything he says is right and I am solely to blame
Mind you I am a tolerant person I am not going to walk out on H just because he’s a workaholic part time alcoholic antisocial introvert. Yet he is up and out of here when his going gets tough. I am thinking back to original BD and trying to think did he ever give me a proper reason for separating? No, just the IDLY, I do all the housework, you never help me, I’m doing everything. So then he stayed in the house and all of a sudden I step up and he more present and loving and affectionate trying to reignite our spark and appreciative and literally do everything he asked for and work on myself, and then I get new reasons like “what you did” (my pa 9 years ago) this is a far better excuse because it’s one I can’t change, yet instead of opening up about what really is bothering H about all that now and expressing his feelings now so we can at least try and work through it he still says nothing about it, keeps it all hidden and guarded. Just knows it bothers him enough to not love me anymore and want out. He looked me in the eye years ago and forgave me and rebuilt and moved forward and never bought it up again until just prior to Bd.
It’s like grasping at straws. It’s actually a sad state of mind to be honest. All I know I I don’t want to spend my life walking on eggshells and apologising for something I did when I was a kid, and be given this life sentence for choices I made in my past. H is a real mess right now. I have stopped trying to fix him. I still try to understand him but it’s hard to understand someone who doesn’t open themselves up x I also know me sitting here dwelling on trying to understand him isn’t a great way to detach 😞
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Just a note about validation. When your H starts complaining about his looks, etc... validating is not saying "you look good". Validating is saying something like, "getting older is hard" or "it is really difficult when you look in the mirror and don't like what you see." You're not agreeing but you are telling him you heard what he said. When he says things like... "I really wish people would understand me," that is an opportunity to be curious. "I think being understood by the people in your life is important and I regret that you don't feel understood. What do we are missing?" or "What do you think is important for them to understand?"
In terms of your H blowing up... honestly... most of this has nothing to do with you. He probably has a ton of triggers you are not aware of. He also needs to make you the bad guy and keep you as the bad guy. WAS's KNOW that what they are doing is not exactly holding up their end of the marriage vows. This is especially the case if there are children involved and even more so if they have been cheating. In my situation, to justify his actions, I fully believe my H had to cultivate an enormous level of contempt for me. That was really, really hard to come to terms with. That he pretty much had to hate me in order to be able to look at himself in the mirror and be okay with how he was treating me. That was so, so difficult to wrap my head around because I loved him so much and had been fully committed to our life together. I could not comprehend that he was feeling the exact opposite of what I was feeling.
I think this is the biggest mistake we LBS's make in the beginning. We really do not fully understand and recognize just how long our WAS's have been working toward ending our marriages because it seems so sudden to us. They didn't get there overnight. On average, it is apparently at least a year before one spouse gets to the point of telling the other they want out. By the time they let us know what is going on, they are well past the point of no return in their minds which is why we cannot nice them back or guilt them back or any of those things. All we can do is get on with our lives and trust that if they are meant to return to us, they will. And then we will be in the position of deciding if we want them back or not. And if they don't return, at least we will have gotten ourselves back.
Thanks Dejavu. That makes sense about validating, instead of complimenting which falls on deafs ears. Didn’t think of it like that. And yea you are so right we can’t understand how they feel like this when we have so much love and patience for them and their terrible actions and reactions. It certainly is like being stuck in a rock and a hard place. I certainly don’t feel like he hates me that’s for sure, there’s geniune care there but it’s so buried deep within his emotional turmoil
He sent me a text this morning basically saying he wants a day of space away from us and will see me over the weekend during sports and errands with the kids. It took all my might but I didn’t even bother to respond to that message, if space is what he wants I’ll make myself scarce when he collects D in the morning for sport and be sure to not be around when he returns. I felt proud that I didn’t respond. I am learning a great deal about patience and self calm. I was such an impatient person.
Tomorrow I’ll get myself up and put on some nice clothes for the day and busy myself out in the sunshine, walk the dog, get my nails done( which has been forever) and smile at as many people as I can-
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Tomorrow I’ll get myself up and put on some nice clothes for the day and busy myself out in the sunshine, walk the dog, get my nails done( which has been forever) and smile at as many people as I can-
Perfect! Another thing you can try is holding eye contact longer than the other person. Keep mental notes of how many you win. Also note if you see a difference from men to women.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Uh, you didn't jinx anything. Pattnee when you stand up for yourself often times the WAS gets angry. I'm going to ask you to do judging yourself based on his reaction.
It's okay for him to get upset. It's okay for him to get angry. It's okay for him to storm out. It all goes back to "you cannot nice him back to the marriage".
Now, I would have liked for you to stop after "“ I have apologised profusely for my wrongdoings and I can’t keep apologising anymore.". LBSs tend to say too much. It's a common trap. Remember, less is more. Treat him like the cashier at the store. Listen. Respond. But do not over share. Do not be the one that fired the most talking.
I'm glad you stated to him you're done apologizing. Now, live up to that statement. Starting by NOT apologizing for the exchange!
Another thing to remember. Anger. Sadness.. Even hatred on his part are all good things. It means he still cares. Probably despite not wanting to care. Those things are not nearly as bad as apathy. Of you said that above and he had blown it completely off that would have been a worse sign than him getting up and storming off.
One last thing, you interact with him way too much. You're pretty much healed up now right? Why is he still over and around so much. It's hard to be missed when you're always around him.
Steve is 100% right.
You need to get comfortable with people being upset with you. The majority of people who come to this website tend to be more passive people. We are generally poor at people being upset with us.
You need to reframe it. Maybe he got upset because he realised you’re right? Maybe he got upset because he had a bad day?
HOW HE REACTS IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY, not yours.
Perhaps if he’d had a few more home truths like that during the marriage, he wouldn’t have got to the point where he blamed you for everything and decided to leave?
Honestly, don’t worry about it a second longer! He’s probably forgotten about it already, you should too.
Thanks Kind, I know I need to work on my emotions more and stand up for myself. Usually I would have been a mess for days but I got to work, felt good and had some laughs. When I received his text this morning telling me about his plans for the day and that he was going to take some space I read it and didn’t respond. I just left it and drove to work.( in the past I would have jumped straight onto it) bugger it I wasn’t in the wrong at all. Then a few hours later got a long apology text. Wasn’t expecting that but in a nutshell basically apologised for storming out when he felt himself getting angry and should have handled it better, then proceeded to tell me some stuff he has done around the house to “make up for it” as a way of apology.
Guess what❓I didn’t respond when I read it!! Haha I am so proud of me. I was having too much of a laugh at work and didn’t really want to knee jerk my response I wanted to think about what to say.
A few hours later I just responded with a simple “ Thankyou for the apology and doing the errands around the house” And that’s it- again words ringing in my ears less is more. At the same time I didn’t want to say anymore. I just feel very detached today, as in that overreaction and trigger was unnecessary and I am not to blame. I want to enjoy my day now and weekend and not think about it or dwell on it. And if it’s space he wants he can have it because honestly today I feel like I want space too 🥰🙂
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Thanks Kind, I know I need to work on my emotions more and stand up for myself. Usually I would have been a mess for days but I got to work, felt good and had some laughs. When I received his text this morning telling me about his plans for the day and that he was going to take some space I read it and didn’t respond. I just left it and drove to work.( in the past I would have jumped straight onto it) bugger it I wasn’t in the wrong at all. Then a few hours later got a long apology text. Wasn’t expecting that but in a nutshell basically apologised for storming out when he felt himself getting angry and should have handled it better, then proceeded to tell me some stuff he has done around the house to “make up for it” as a way of apology.
This is another great lesson in why you shouldn’t catastrophise.
During divorce, emotions are cranked to 11 so there’s a thousand thoughts and post game analysis after every interaction.
You need to remember this experience you just had and lock it in the memory bank for next time. Some self-thoughts for next time this happens:
I’m being reasonable. I will be calm. It seems worse than it is. I over-thought things the last time and it turned out fine. Maybe he’s angry at himself, not me.
As you can see, SteveLW was right and is a DB Jedi-master-boss 😎
Well done Pattnee - you’re growing with each step 👍
