I'm Back! (2)

[Boat14]

Jumping through hoops to achieve someone’s love is not an attractive trait which typically leads to loss of respect and attraction. Plus it leads to resentment and unmet expectations by the person jumping through the hoops. Have you read “No More Mr. Nice Guy”? If not it should be on your list.

Also if she’s telling you how she feels and it’s something you don’t want to hear and you label it “babble” and discount her feelings it makes her feel like you are not listening and understanding how she feels. This typically leads to sexless marriages.

[Terapin]

Jumping through hoops to achieve someone’s love is not an attractive trait which typically leads to loss of respect and attraction. Plus it leads to resentment and unmet expectations by the person jumping through the hoops. Have you read “No More Mr. Nice Guy”? If not it should be on your list.

Also if she’s telling you how she feels and it’s something you don’t want to hear and you label it “babble” and discount her feelings it makes her feel like you are not listening and understanding how she feels. This typically leads to sexless marriages.

Well you're right about that. I guess that's always been the nature of our relationship. I gave way more than I received, although I'm sure she wouldn't see it that way. Yeah, I've read that book. I was way too insecure, jealous, etc when we were dating. As the years went on I improved on those things. But her feminist (no offense feminists!) attitude of 'men should do everything and women should be cherished' grew out of control.

I say 'babble' because her saying our son would be better off having his world shattered is ridiculous. The same as when she rewrites our history. Back when I thought we had a chance, I would have listened and validated. But I'm not going to give her that satisfaction now since all of our lives are upended because of her weekly subjective sense of 'happiness'.

[Ready2Change]

W told me she did indeed retain a lawyer today.....Apparently we're still going to be amicable.

My personal belief is these two statements are contradictory.

What does you gut tell you. Trust your gut.

She tried showing me some bank account stuff to prove that she isn't hoarding money (this in response to me withdrawing money today). Wait till she sees only 75% of my paycheck deposited this week.

This is the no trust phase.

She said she still wants 50/50 custody.

Get this in writing in an email. Send an email like this:

"After our discussion yesterday, I believe it is best if we get a parenting arrangement set up soon. You said you wanted to make the transition as easy as possible for him. What are your thoughts on how we should split our time with him?"

so when she asked for my 'thoughts', I essentially told her that I can't even describe the amount of resentment I have for her for putting everybody through this, again.

Better to say "I am not sure. I need to time think about what you have said."

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that in a year or two my life will be a helluva lot better.

It will. You have to though some BS for a while.

Not worrying about jumping through hoop after hoop after hoop just in hopes that she'll show the slightest bit of love in return.

Now is the time to learn new ways to interact.

[Ready2Change]

My mindset was I am not agreeing to anything until I have a 50/50 parenting plan in writing.

Set precedence now. Right now you have 100% parenting time. That is going to change. Out of your control. What is in your control is how you address it. Start the email dialogs like I said in the last post.

One of my boundaries was primary communication via email. Secondary was text.

my process:

1) Draft up email.
2) Wait, and reread, edit. send.
3) Send W text "I sent you an email"

Worked well.



Might want to check out Chat GPT. It is a good resource for starting some research. Just vet out the answers.

Describe setting precedence with regards to a parenting plan.
ChatGPT

Setting precedence in a parenting plan refers to establishing a consistent routine, structure, and decision-making process that serves as a baseline for future parenting arrangements. It involves creating a framework that provides stability, clarity, and predictability for both parents and children. Here are some key aspects of setting precedence in a parenting plan:

Custody and visitation schedule:
Determine a regular and predictable schedule for the children's time with each parent.
Consider factors such as the children's ages, school schedule, extracurricular activities, and parents' work schedules when creating the schedule.
Ensure that the schedule allows for regular and meaningful contact with both parents.

Decision-making authority:
Define how major decisions regarding the children's upbringing will be made (e.g., education, healthcare, religious upbringing).
Establish whether decisions will be made jointly by both parents or if one parent will have final decision-making authority.
Clearly outline the process for resolving disputes or disagreements regarding decision-making.

Parental communication:
Encourage open and respectful communication between parents regarding the children's well-being.
Specify how communication will occur (e.g., in-person, phone calls, email, text messages) and how often.
Promote cooperation and the sharing of important information about the children's activities, progress, and any significant changes.

Consistency in rules and discipline:
Strive for consistency in parenting styles, rules, and discipline between both households.
Discuss and establish common guidelines for issues such as bedtime routines, homework, screen time, and consequences for misbehavior.
This helps provide stability and a sense of continuity for the children, regardless of which parent they are with.

Flexibility and adaptability:
Recognize that circumstances may change over time, requiring adjustments to the parenting plan.
Establish a process for reviewing and modifying the plan when necessary, while prioritizing the best interests of the children.
Both parents should be willing to work together and be flexible in accommodating changes that benefit the children.

Documentation and record-keeping:
Maintain accurate records of parenting time, important events, and significant decisions.
Document any deviations from the established parenting plan and the reasons behind them.
This can be helpful in addressing future disputes or modifications to the plan.

Remember, setting precedence in a parenting plan should prioritize the best interests of the children and facilitate a healthy co-parenting relationship. It is generally recommended to consult with legal professionals and mediators who specialize in family law to ensure that the parenting plan is fair, legally sound, and suitable for the unique circumstances of the family.

[Kind18]

I agree with R2C. There is no trust or loyalty or dignity when it comes to financial and custodial arrangements. That’s why people on this site say you need to treat it like a business deal.

It’s also why they say to trust none of what they say. You need to prioritise getting her committed to the 50/50 custody. I’d email something like “Thank you for the discussion yesterday, and I accept and support your desire to have 50/50 care. This is a big weight off my shoulders. What are your thoughts on how we split the time equally?”

She has told several people that I've been in 'denial' about this whole sitch, and I'm not 'accepting' what is happening. lol. Self centered to the extreme.

To play devil’s advocate… I think she’s correct 🤷‍♂️

That’s why all of us end up here - because we value marriage and want to save it. If you weren’t in denial and had accepted she was leaving, you wouldn’t have ended up at this site in the first place.

I understand the sentiment, and yes WAS/WS are very often self-centred. But don’t succumb to confirmation bias, where you look under every rock to confirm what you want to hear.

You can respond emotionally when she says you have been in denial, and call her a “self-centred” so-and-so, or you can just accept that she can have whatever opinion she likes. If my ex wife told people I was in denial, I’d revel in that - knowing that my character and loyalty is being proven in my attempts to save the marriage.

Things are about to get worse before they get better. Protect yourself, be smart, avoid interactions - and never respond to anything through emotion or quickly. If you’re home alone with her tonight and she says some dumba** WAW/WW stuff, like “things will be better for son once we split and are happy” don’t even give it the time of day.

You need to get a thicker skin, and always obey the 24 hour rule.

Good luck!

[Spiral]

I would second the recommendation to set the custodial and financial arrangements in place right away. It was the best thing that I did. At the beginning, I think the WAS/WS is often eager to move on and easier to make arrangements with. You shouldn't hesitate to get it out of the way. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow, but once that's settled you can focus on rebuilding your life. And getting the custodial and financial arrangements settled doesn't necessarily speed the divorce process along. I'd also go one step further than putting things in writing. You should be able to finalize those matters with the court while the waiting period (if your area has one) ticks down to zero. Then, you're done with the hard part of the court process and can focus on the emotional healing and recovery.

Spiral

[Boat14]

So when she says you’re in “denial” she means you think everything is ok because you two are cordial and you see your issues being fixable. Most men who come here think that as long as the provide, don’t cheat or abuse their W then everything is fine. That may have been the bar 50 years ago. She sees things as you jump through all these hoops and she gives you nothing in return because she doesn’t feel like it. She can’t figure out why you want to continue this dynamic.

She’s right you should cherish your W. She should cherish you back. That’s the only way relationships work long term. You each have to afraid of losing the other if you don’t step up to the plate.

[Terapin]

Thanks everyone. I mean, as far as I know, her L is drafting agreements for custody, debts, etc. We just need to come up with a schedule (7/7, etc).

I feel stupid for even asking this, but when I get served and if everything looks good, do I need to pay a retainer fee for a L? Is it possible to just pay a L a few hundred dollars to look everything over?

This whole sitch is just so bizarre. No discussions, no thoughts of working on M from the beginning, and fast tracking the D. I could see if there was abuse, infidelity, etc on my part. I still have found no evidence of an affair, but I wouldn't doubt there is. Just 2 months ago we were planning 2 vacations, enjoying an overnight trip with our son, etc. Then one day she basically says 'I want to give up half my time with son, our beautiful home, fully take on all of my debt, hurt our families, lose friends, etc, just to see what's behind Door #3'. I just don't get it.

I am far from perfect. I can be moody, I have little patience, and kissing her ass for years likely made me unattractive to her. But, I look 15 years younger than I am, I work out daily, I spend 90% of my time and money on our family, I'm loyal and faithful, I'm extremely low maintenance, I'm not on drugs, don't run around all night w/ friends, have a really good job, am well known and respected in our town, etc. Apparently that's just not good enough for her. Oh well, her loss. End rant

[Spiral]

Yes, you need to pay a retainer fee for a L to make sure everything works for you. You have to live with the agreement and it takes a great deal of effort and time to rebuild. Don't go cheap on this.

[Dats000]

I say 'babble' because her saying our son would be better off having his world shattered is ridiculous. The same as when she rewrites our history. Back when I thought we had a chance, I would have listened and validated. But I'm not going to give her that satisfaction now since all of our lives are upended because of her weekly subjective sense of 'happiness'.

My W said the same about my D11. She felt D11 would be better off with the divorce. I said no divorce unless something really bad is happening will be better for the kids. My daughter is now devastated.
I’m happy as can be to not be living with W anymore and looking forward to meeting a lady that is a better match for me but my kids are suffering and it [censored]