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SteveLW #2944769 04/03/23 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Not going to sugarcoat it, learning to respond vs. react is one of the hardest concepts in DBing. It takes time, patience, practice, and preparation. You're doing the preparation by being here and getting guidance and feedback. Be easy on yourself, don't best yourself up over slip ups. We all have them. I've yet to see anyone DB perfectly. The Key is to learn and grow.

Thanks, Steve. Any good threads or books that you would recommend on it?

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Originally Posted by TellMeSo
Today she even told me that she does not want separation agreement signed anymore. She will not do anything and just wait until we can officially divorce. It was strange to hear this as yesterday she was pushing this heavily and even mentioned that she will proceed with divorce through "loopholes" in the law now by herself. Today she was saying completely opposite things. Yesterday she told me she does not trust me anymore, today she said that "no worries, I trust you".

This should be made a sticky. R2C, can you add this to your thread?

It demonstrates two VERY clear DB principles:
1. It matters not what you say/do/be/admit to/want. All that matters is that most WAS/WS have no idea what they’re doing, what they want, how to get there - and they’ll burn the world down while simultaneously flip-flopping wildly. It’s a dumpster fire, and you just need to let it burn.
2. TMS, you spent significant energy trying to analyse the conversation. Significant time thinking - did I say the right thing, what does her reaction mean, have I pushed her further away, how does it align with DB principles, what do others on the board think happened…. All this fear driven analysis about what it all meant … and less than 24 hours later, the entire script has been flipped. It’s a good lesson - don’t waste your time analysing and worrying about how SOMEONE ELSE may think, want or do. You do you - calm, measured, honest and honourable. Next time you want to spend hours of your life trying to analyse her, remember what just happened. You’re better off sinking that time into hobbies, fitness, holidays, personal development, education and living life the the full.

Originally Posted by TellMeSo
I offered her help packing her things.

Absolute boss move 😎. Well done!

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Kind18 #2944780 04/04/23 07:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Kind18
This should be made a sticky. R2C, can you add this to your thread?

It demonstrates two VERY clear DB principles:
1. It matters not what you say/do/be/admit to/want. All that matters is that most WAS/WS have no idea what they’re doing, what they want, how to get there - and they’ll burn the world down while simultaneously flip-flopping wildly. It’s a dumpster fire, and you just need to let it burn.
2. TMS, you spent significant energy trying to analyse the conversation. Significant time thinking - did I say the right thing, what does her reaction mean, have I pushed her further away, how does it align with DB principles, what do others on the board think happened…. All this fear driven analysis about what it all meant … and less than 24 hours later, the entire script has been flipped. It’s a good lesson - don’t waste your time analysing and worrying about how SOMEONE ELSE may think, want or do. You do you - calm, measured, honest and honourable. Next time you want to spend hours of your life trying to analyse her, remember what just happened. You’re better off sinking that time into hobbies, fitness, holidays, personal development, education and living life the the full.

Thank you, I agree with you. Althought, I view it from a different angle now. My posts are no longer about overanalyzing her actions (I used to focus on that before), but rather to get your feedback on my own actions. Whether I did well or not. Focus now is fully on my own actions, not hers. For this, I try to give some context on her actions.

Originally Posted by Kind18
Absolute boss move 😎. Well done!

Thanks! Let's see if she actually picks her things up.

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Originally Posted by TellMeSo
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Not going to sugarcoat it, learning to respond vs. react is one of the hardest concepts in DBing. It takes time, patience, practice, and preparation. You're doing the preparation by being here and getting guidance and feedback. Be easy on yourself, don't best yourself up over slip ups. We all have them. I've yet to see anyone DB perfectly. The Key is to learn and grow.

Thanks, Steve. Any good threads or books that you would recommend on it?

Validation thread is always a good one. The idea behind validation is responding rather than reacting.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Thanks. What are the best threads for success stories? Both on moving on and reconciling?

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Today was a tough day... Even thought I am fully trying to move on and totally shifted my mindset towards bettering myself and rebuilding happiness, some thoughts continue to slip into mind. It seems that she is continously trying to justify her decision, especially during our conversations if I disagree with something or do not provide the answer she expects. I need to continue working on having max space and time from her. This will benefit us both.

How are you maintaining positive thoughts on such days?

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You don’t always have to maintain positive thoughts. It’s not as easy as starting DB and everything gets solved overnight.

Separation and divorce is a marathon. The first 12 months minimum are a battle.

Your measure of progress TMS is not when everything is perfect. The measure of progress is that those hard days, when it seems insurmountable and your emotions control you rather than your brain - they just start to get a bit less frequent.

A few months in, you’ll have a couple of bad days a week.

At six months, you can often go a week before having a wobble.

At twelve months, you might only struggle one day a month, and even then it might only be half a day.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Rather than collapse and catastrophise when you’re having a bad day, embrace it. Know it’s part of the process. Every time you have a crap day, you’re getting closer towards the end.

It’s like climbing Mount Everest in a year. Sometimes you’ll slide back a step or two and feel defeated, but if you zoom out, you’re higher than you were last week/last month/last year.

Have you read my exercise thread? Exercise is the single best thing you can do to assist your own mental health while recovering from separation and divorce. There’s also stuff later on in my thread on how to limit rumination time so that bad days become bad hours, bad minutes and eventually bad seconds.

You’re doing great ❤️

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My W finally took her things out of our house today. It was an interesting interaction as I was at home. Wife said she is sick and has physical pain, but she was very silent, I could hear sadness or unhappiness in her voice. As if life has been sucked out of her. Although she mentioned that she is fully happy right now.

I was calm, relaxed during the whole interaction. I was definitely more positive, upbeat and happy today. I got this negative vibe all the way from her, while I maintained polite and kind responses. Even helped her pack some of the things and helped to move things. After helping I received some semi-sarcastic words that she used to do these things only by herself and was fully cable of doing everything herself. Please note that I was not insisting on helping her, she asked me for help, while she was packing.

I asked a couple of questions how she is doing she did answer with one or two words. Many chaotic messages from her ranging from I love my job to I want to quit my job. From I am settling down and taking these things for my new home to I am going to leave the country and live somewhere else. Either she is hiding things from me or completely lost. She wants to change her whole life. Restart it.

I can see that whenever there is any potential glimpse of discussion on her emotions she immediately shuts down, gaslights or denies everything. As if she is running from them completely even after this time.

My wife noticed that I have done massive positive changes and I am on a good path to further enhance them. She can truly notice. Although she tried go "sell" me that this is why divorce is such a good thing for me. That everything is just perfect now. I just smiled as I will continue my personal growth with or without divorce. I am happy on my progress and even satisfied to do things on my own.

Also W said that I can now bring a new women since her stuff is gone. I remained truthful to my principles and responded: "Currently I am a married man and I am sticking to my core values and vows". She just laughed at it.

I believe my only single major slippage was asking how did we get from marriage & saying forever to this in a span of several months? She turned to me with complete apathy and said "oh well, such is life". At that moment I felt like only completely traumatized person would say these things in such a manner. I could only imagine myself showing no compassion or empathy in this way if the other person was physical abusing, cheating for years. Let me tell you, it is not the case.

Overall, I am pretty satisfied how I handled everything. I was polite, cheerful, helpful, respectful. I showed kindness even if I did not receive much back. I was the leader and bright beacon instead of playing a victim or blaming her for something. I simply wished her best luck with her life and showed that I can continue my life happily even without her. If I would be looking at our interaction from 3rd person angle, I would probably say that I was the one to initiate the divorce/living my life to the fullest and she was the sad, hurt person. I've seen her happy, I've seen her confident, I've seen her being satisfied with her life and choices. Today was not such day for her.

I do feel that I continue to heal in a good way. Typically during/after such meeting I would have a high heart rate and cry afterwards. Today I was totally fine during and after the meeting. Once she left I packed my stuff and went to my friends to have a spontaneous BBQ and wonderful time. Life is good when you decide to go with the flow and enjoy the little moments.

Last edited by TellMeSo; 04/08/23 08:49 PM.
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Another message from her today. Asking to pick up remaining things tomorrow. Very polite and friendly conversation. It was even strange that she was friendly after many angry/sad comments from her lately.

Also, today was a great day! I reconnected with my family on another level!

Last edited by TellMeSo; 04/09/23 08:54 PM.
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Another happy day for me! Another day of her coming to pick things up! Hopefully this is the last time she comes around.

Everyone around me told me that I look great, detached. Reconnected with many people over the last week. Feels good to be alive!

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