Walkaway bride

[TellMeSo]

I hear you. Sounds in many ways you are doing good things to take care of yourself and deal with a very difficult situation.

Thank you. Unfortunately, I do not feel comfortable enough to give you any advice on your situation.

[Cadet]

Glad you recognize the dynamic.

I just re-read the thread myself as I had a conversation with the author and there are some excerpts in the thread
about that conversation that I had forgotten.

Basically he thought he was a pursurer and his advice is to STOP pursuing.

Also that is easier said than done.

[TellMeSo]

W

Glad you recognize the dynamic.

I just re-read the thread myself as I had a conversation with the author and there are some excerpts in the thread
about that conversation that I had forgotten.

Basically he thought he was a pursurer and his advice is to STOP pursuing.

Also that is easier said than done.

I am done with pursuing. But what is the best way to communicate technical details without her thinking this is pursuing? I neither want to pursue, nor even give her ANY potential impression that my responses are pursuing.

[SteveLW]

W

Glad you recognize the dynamic.

I just re-read the thread myself as I had a conversation with the author and there are some excerpts in the thread
about that conversation that I had forgotten.

Basically he thought he was a pursurer and his advice is to STOP pursuing.

Also that is easier said than done.

I am done with pursuing. But what is the best way to communicate technical details without her thinking this is pursuing? I neither want to pursue, nor even give her ANY potential impression that my responses are pursuing.

Stick to business. Don't even use traditional greetings and closings. No "Hi, hope you're well." No "thanks, talk later". Etc. Strictly the technical details. If you need help, come here first with what you need to communicate and we can help you word it.

Remember, less words not more.

[Ready2Change]

I need to continue working on my validation skills

Some feedback:

I got many phrases like:
"Is this revenge?" -NOPE.
"This is exactly the reason why I want to divorce you"- "I can see why you would think that"
"You are acting immature and childish"-"It must be frustrating for you"
"You are stopping me from living my life"- "You are free to live however you want. Nobody is stopping you"
"You trapped me for our whole relationship"- "I am sorry you feel that way"
"I no longer trust you" - "I can understand the lack of trust"
"I just can not communicate or do it with you" - "perfect"
"You are too much for me to handle"- "i can see that"

I stated many times

Only say things once. This is a good skill the learn and master. Learn statements like this "I already told you. If you are not going to listen the first time, than I see no reason to continue talking with you"

Then she immediately said you don't get me and I want divorce.

Validation: "I understand that." You could also add "You sound frustrated" type statements. That shows you "get her". Different example: "You are obviously angry, so I believe it is best if we continue this conversation after you have calmed down"...You walk away and she will get move angry..which is OK.

There was definitely this vibe of trying to provoke me into saying that I still care about her or desperately need her in my life. Especially the threats about taking her stuff or not talking to me anymore.

YUP, testing you. Do not react. Do not enter her frame. You want a woman who complements you life. Project that. live that.




One thing I learned was to let my lady be as emotional as she wants. I can handle it. As long as she is not being physical, I just listen and let her vent, even if it is about me. I am the emotional rock.

[Kind18]

Cadet, SteveLW and R2C have all given you poignant advice here. Read it carefully.

You did great 👏👏👏

Your problem here is she has gone berserk, so you’ve walked away from the exchange wondering what you should have done differently. THAT’S YOUR ONLY MISTAKE HERE.

If you’d signed it - she’d have been angry.

You didn’t sign it - she was still angry.

I’d you had initiated divorce, she would have been angry.

But you saying you’re indifferent, but she needs to file - she’s even angrier about that.

You being calm - she’s angry.

You validating - she’s angry.

Do you get the point?

This is about HER. Deep down she’s disgusted with herself, but that’s too hard to face. It’s too hard to just come out and say “I’m bored, I fkd up, I shouldn’t have married you, I want to break my vow.”

The problem is, very, VERY few people have the conviction to own their sh*t. So they paint their spouse as a monster - “I had to leave.”

You just need to accept it. No matter WHAT you do, she’s going to be angry. You can either second guess yourself each time and try to placate someone who will always blame you, or you can go “I was respectful, honest and fair during this conversation” and get on with your life.

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times - there’s no secret recipe here. There’s nothing you can do/say/be/admit to, that will make her change her anger towards you. She needs to discover all of this for herself, it’s just a matter of you staying strong, calm, level-headed, honest and respectful… and seeing how long you’re prepared to wait.

You did fine. Go have a beer and watch a basketball game. Let her fire burn 🤷‍♂️

[TellMeSo]

Stick to business. Don't even use traditional greetings and closings. No "Hi, hope you're well." No "thanks, talk later". Etc. Strictly the technical details. If you need help, come here first with what you need to communicate and we can help you word it.

Remember, less words not more.

Thanks, I have to work on this. Yesterday she managed to somewhat provoke a reaction from me. Even if initially I wanted to stick to only few words.

[TellMeSo]

I need to continue working on my validation skills

Some feedback:

I got many phrases like:
"Is this revenge?" -NOPE.
"This is exactly the reason why I want to divorce you"- "I can see why you would think that"
"You are acting immature and childish"-"It must be frustrating for you"
"You are stopping me from living my life"- "You are free to live however you want. Nobody is stopping you"
"You trapped me for our whole relationship"- "I am sorry you feel that way"
"I no longer trust you" - "I can understand the lack of trust"
"I just can not communicate or do it with you" - "perfect"
"You are too much for me to handle"- "i can see that"

I bolded the exact phrases I said to her. Good progress has been done based on your feedback Today we had another brief stint of communication where I validated her ideas in the same manner as you wrote. She was definitely less resistant or angry today.

Only say things once. This is a good skill the learn and master. Learn statements like this "I already told you. If you are not going to listen the first time, than I see no reason to continue talking with you"

Got it. Stick to saying things once.

Validation: "I understand that." You could also add "You sound frustrated" type statements. That shows you "get her". Different example: "You are obviously angry, so I believe it is best if we continue this conversation after you have calmed down"...You walk away and she will get move angry..which is OK.

I actually added a lot of such statements, but she refused to acknowledge them and even said I'm totally fine and calm. I'm happy. Perhaps I should have phrased it better, but she did not fully accept my validation either.

YUP, testing you. Do not react. Do not enter her frame. You want a woman who complements you life. Project that. live that.

One thing I learned was to let my lady be as emotional as she wants. I can handle it. As long as she is not being physical, I just listen and let her vent, even if it is about me. I am the emotional rock.

What is the main purpose of this testing? To see if I will be there for her? To see if I would crumble? It's interesting as somedays she is fully emotional, sometimes she does not show any emotion at all.

[TellMeSo]

Cadet, SteveLW and R2C have all given you poignant advice here. Read it carefully.

You did great 👏👏👏

Your problem here is she has gone berserk, so you’ve walked away from the exchange wondering what you should have done differently. THAT’S YOUR ONLY MISTAKE HERE.

If you’d signed it - she’d have been angry.

You didn’t sign it - she was still angry.

I’d you had initiated divorce, she would have been angry.

But you saying you’re indifferent, but she needs to file - she’s even angrier about that.

You being calm - she’s angry.

You validating - she’s angry.

Do you get the point?

This is about HER. Deep down she’s disgusted with herself, but that’s too hard to face. It’s too hard to just come out and say “I’m bored, I fkd up, I shouldn’t have married you, I want to break my vow.”

The problem is, very, VERY few people have the conviction to own their sh*t. So they paint their spouse as a monster - “I had to leave.”

You just need to accept it. No matter WHAT you do, she’s going to be angry. You can either second guess yourself each time and try to placate someone who will always blame you, or you can go “I was respectful, honest and fair during this conversation” and get on with your life.

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times - there’s no secret recipe here. There’s nothing you can do/say/be/admit to, that will make her change her anger towards you. She needs to discover all of this for herself, it’s just a matter of you staying strong, calm, level-headed, honest and respectful… and seeing how long you’re prepared to wait.

You did fine. Go have a beer and watch a basketball game. Let her fire burn 🤷‍♂️

Thanks, Kind. It's truly inspiring to hear this! It's nice to hear that I am making a progress.

I will still probably take some time until I completely shift my mindset about what I could have done differently. However, yesterday I was very mindful about her reactions and things I've read on this forum. They were textbook examples from the forum with even the same words. These past conversations showed to me that I maintain being respectful, honesty and supportive to her. Even then, she is still mad at me. As you said, if I communicate she is mad, if I don't she is also mad.

Today she even told me that she does not want separation agreement signed anymore. She will not do anything and just wait until we can officially divorce. It was strange to hear this as yesterday she was pushing this heavily and even mentioned that she will proceed with divorce through "loopholes" in the law now by herself. Today she was saying completely opposite things. Yesterday she told me she does not trust me anymore, today she said that "no worries, I trust you".

There is huge emotional wall between us. Either it will crumble before we divorce as I give her time and space or it might crumble only after our divorce as final & full consequences hits her. Maybe never.

I offered her help packing her things.

[SteveLW]

Stick to business. Don't even use traditional greetings and closings. No "Hi, hope you're well." No "thanks, talk later". Etc. Strictly the technical details. If you need help, come here first with what you need to communicate and we can help you word it.

Remember, less words not more.

Thanks, I have to work on this. Yesterday she managed to somewhat provoke a reaction from me. Even if initially I wanted to stick to only few words.

Not going to sugarcoat it, learning to respond vs. react is one of the hardest concepts in DBing. It takes time, patience, practice, and preparation. You're doing the preparation by being here and getting guidance and feedback. Be easy on yourself, don't best yourself up over slip ups. We all have them. I've yet to see anyone DB perfectly. The Key is to learn and grow.