I know it is a fool’s errand to try and understand someone in such a frame of mind but I remain perplexed that W has not asked for any money. Not from me but from our joint savings. I moved our emergency fund to a high-yield savings account a couple of months pre-BD. It is technically in my name only but I have never been under any illusion that it is mine and if she were to ask for half of this I would transfer it to her without question.
I suppose it could be guilt associated with the realness of having to ask? Proving to herself, me, and the world that she can in fact make it on her own? Someone else supporting her?
I guess I know the only non-speculative answer to this question is that it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes writing things out like this is sufficient enough to clear it from the mind.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/30/2312:53 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Yes, writing things out does help to sort out one’s thoughts and feelings.
I think the drive to prove they can make it on their own is a pretty common force. Another common factor is they live more moment to moment, like pay check to pay check. Not worrying or planning or looking too far into the future.
Also, this usually only last so long, a finite amount of time.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Struggling with my current paradoxical state of mind of not wanting to divorce but wondering when W will actually file and wishing if she is so hellbent to do so that she would get on with it.
Previously gave excuses about why she wouldn’t be able to do it for at least a couple months. This is just so hard for me to understand as I imagine if I felt the need to tear my life apart in this way I wouldn’t dawdle on taking this step.
Practicing mindfulness has helped deal with this and similar thoughts. But it always seems to creep back in.
W texted me today saying she is coming to town tomorrow and is “sorry for the short notice.” She said she figures this would be a good time to “change the documents for the car” that she will take but to that it’s ok if this is “too short notice to do that.” Frankly I don’t even know what needs to be done other than her getting it titled/registered in her own name and get auto insurance with her name. She seems to think it’s something we will be doing together. I know that is not my responsibility to figure out. And her responsibility to give me proper notice if there is something I need to do.
Less than 24 hours notice is incredibly disrespectful. I don’t even want to dignify her with a response.
I responded that I wouldn’t be available but that I’d park the car out front and leave the keys safely hidden outside. 12 hours after giving me 24 hours notice of her plans to fly home and get the car she says she won’t be home for a couple of days. She’s planning on going to a wedding instead…She just wanted to let me know ‘because of the keys’. The mind of a WAS/WW must truly be pure chaos.
Even a month ago this interaction would have knocked me out of equilibrium and caused me to spin. I’m proud of the progress I’m making; thanks in large part to the collective wisdom found here.
Enjoyed my weekend. Trip to the coast with time at the beach, went on some nice long walks, did some spin classes, grilled some ribeyes, listened to some good podcasts.
Seeing pictures of W at my friends wedding that I wasn’t able to make it to and knowing she is here in town now but unable to communicate with me like a decent human being is hard.
It’s the inability to communicate with me like a normal human being about things that have a direct affect on me that really bothers me at this point. I know she is in turmoil but surely she understands on some level that these things are not OK.
I’m fighting the urge to point this out to her. I know it is the truth but I know that she won’t be able to do anything with that truth. She will say “I’m sorry. I will do better” and then she will continue to wait to communicate anything with me until the last possible moment.
