My vote? Leave her to figure things out for herself. It isn't your job to rescue her. Giving her the new car or paying to update the old car is something a husband would do. She is firing you as her husband. Don't keep doing the things a husband would do for someone that doesn't want you to be her husband.
Last edited by SteveLW; 04/19/2311:45 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My vote? Leave her to figure things out for herself. It isn't your job to rescue her. Giving her the new car or paying to update the old car is something a husband would do. She is firing you as her husband. Don't keep doing the things a husband would do for someone that doesn't want you to be her husband.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
In terms of knowing she’s going struggle - not your problem.
That may sound harsh, but that’s the truth. I’d even hazard a guess that the nice guy, protective/supportive attitude is probably what led her towards divorce. It’s easy to divorce a supportive nice guy.
She and she alone is making these decisions. It’s not your problem to manage, fix, protect or support her. Why would you support someone who is ripping your family apart?
You really need to get some help on detaching and ignoring your nice guy instincts.
I knew it was going to turn to [censored] for my ex, but they won’t listen. She told me how much better off she was going to be without me while she was deep in her affair. A year later, she got dumped by OM, kicked out of her rental and was sleeping on the floor of her parent’s house. Play silly games, win silly prizes.
Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?
As for the car, take whatever you can get. Trust me when I say this - you being nice now DOES NOT improve your chances of reconciliation. Fight your instincts.
This is now a business deal. If she’s feeling guilt about her actions and so she’s offering up a better split of assets as a result, run with it and get the best deal for you.
Separation, divorce, how you split money…. None of it means you can’t get back together one day. But for now, you need to protect and prioritise your future which is most likely not going to be with her.
The other thing, is women are attracted to strength. If you stand up to her, take the good car, demand a good deal and don’t try to placate her, she’ll actually respect you more. I know that’s hard to get your head around, but that’s how it works.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/20/2301:59 AM. Reason: Overwrite censored word.
You definitely do not want to spoon feed her. My point is, you’d not want to give her a known unsafe vehicle and she has an accident where she or someone gets hurt. You don’t want that on your conscience is all. If the car just runs rough and/or burns oil, yet the brakes and tires are good, no worries, say nothing.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well, 90% of her things are out. Guess she will collect the rest tomorrow morning before her flight. Some of the things she claimed to really want she didn’t even take.
Most DB techniques seem to be geared towards people who are still in each others lives to a certain degree. Is this the end of the road? I don’t want to believe that it is but I am also feeling emotionally exhausted after 5 months of confusion.
Some of the things she claimed to really want she didn’t even take.
Yep, they have no idea what they want or what they need. That’s what waywards/walkaways are like. Change their mind more often than the wind, and fight over things they don’t want just because they don’t want us to have them.
Mine told me she wanted to keep all the wedding photos. What, to show to your new boyfriend? 🤣🤣🤣
Originally Posted by URS0
Is this the end of the road? I don’t want to believe that it is but I am also feeling emotionally exhausted after 5 months of confusion.
Or was the road you were on a corrugated piece of sh*t?
And perhaps this is the start of a much better road, and a much smoother journey from here on?
The principles around DBing do not stop when your marriage does. They make you a more independent, confident, grounded and self-aware person. They make you a better listener. They make you a better future partner. Plus, you can leave your marriage knowing, hand-on-heart, that you did everything to try and save it. Double down on the DBing, counselling, exercise and GAL activities.
Hang in there URS0. Trust me when I say it gets better 💙
W was unexpectedly still packing things when I got home from work today. In fact she was trying to move stuff around right up to around an hour before her flight. Left even more things behind than I expected.
I’m very proud of how I showed up in this moment. We had brief civil conversation. I did not get emotional. She made more very bizarre comments about wanting sentimental items - said I could keep a photo book from our wedding and she would have the person who made it print a new one. In what reality does that make any sense?!?…I didn’t let it throw me off course. I said goodbye and left on my own terms.
DBing isn't about still being in each other's life. That's your emotions messing with you. I've known lots of couples that reconciled after D. Some many years after.
If you read DB or DR then you know about the Last Resort technique. Your above statement leads me to believe that you haven't read either of MWD's books. If you did then that statement indicates that you need to read them again.
As long as there's breath in both your bodies there's a chance at reconciliation. As long as you're willing to be open to it.
Having said that, the only way that will happen is for you to start moving your own life forward. That's what DBing is all about! Moving YOUR life forward. Sometimes the WAS gets attracted by that and comes back. Sometimes not. Either way your life will be moving forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Caught a last minute flight this weekend to go visit friends in the sun. Nice to get away and be with people I care about.
Feeling lots of anger today. Anger about the loss of what could have been. Anger about the incredible selfishness that W continues to bathe in. Wishing I could just erase her memory.
Getting these thoughts out of my mind and into the page. Tomorrow is a new day. Begin again.
