Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Mar 2023
Posts: 45
Likes: 15
U
URS0 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Mar 2023
Posts: 45
Likes: 15
I thought she was having a mid-life crisis but more and more I wonder if maybe she just isn’t the person I thought she was.

Joined: Mar 2023
Posts: 45
Likes: 15
U
URS0 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Mar 2023
Posts: 45
Likes: 15
Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. Need to burn that one into my mind.

3 members like this: job, Kind18, Ready2Change
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 604
Likes: 251
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 604
Likes: 251
Originally Posted by URS0
Went relatively poorly. I was very calm coming into it but she had things all over the house and wasn’t really prepared to discuss/iron out details as I had discussed. Poor communication on her part has driven this rollercoaster for the past months so I shouldn’t have been surprised. Not happy about it but I guess at least it’s over. At least when she asked for a hug I told her that wasn’t appropriate and that I didn’t want to see her tomorrow when she gets the last of her things.

Why did it go poorly? Sounds to me like it went really well 🤷‍♂️

You need to rethink how you see interactions. Until now, her being angry = you feeling like things went bad.

It may have been uncomfortable… but that doesn’t mean it was bad. You need to learn to get comfortable and unaffected by her being upset/angry/a bitch.

Telling her it wasn’t appropriate for a hug is gold standard DBing. Most of us would have emotionally crumbled and given her what she wanted. WELL DONE! As an aside… she probably wanted a hug because she knows her behaviour is shitty and she wants validation. If you hug her, in her mind, you’re giving her comfort - so she feels like you’re supporting her choices.

Lastly, on the validation… sometimes when you’re learning it can be hard to frame validation without sounding like you’re approving of their choices/words/behaviour. If you have trouble getting that balance right, rather than validate feelings, just parrot stuff back until you find your feet.

If she says: “I wish you’d made these changes earlier.”

Don’t say: “I understand how you must be feeling.”

Instead, say: “Sounds like you are saying you wish things were different earlier.”

That way they’ll at least realise you are listening, but you haven’t crossed the line into “I understand how you feel” territory. Waywards/walkaways can sometimes take “I can see how you might feel like that” as validation that the decisions they’ve made based on those feelings are also correct.

Another example, perhaps when she is collecting stuff from the house and says “This is really hard. I can’t believe it’s come to this!”

Bad: “Well then don’t leave” - comes across mega needy
Bad: “it’s hard for me too” - you are usurping her feelings with your own which means you aren’t listening to her. Waywards/walkaways/MLCers don’t give a s*t about anyone’s feelings except their own, so it’s a waste of time.
Okay: “I get that you’re feeling that way.” She might take it that you are supporting her decision because you said “it’s okay”.
Best: “Sounds like you’re saying today is really hard for you.”

Once you find your feet, and practice initially with mainly parroting, then you’ll be able to improve your validation as time goes on.

Also, practice validation outside of your relationship. Do it at work, or with your friends/family.

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
During this process, learning new ways to communicate is important.

Originally Posted by URS0
I told her...I didn’t want to see her tomorrow when she gets the last of her things.
This sounds like an emotional response to me. A better way to DB is to go do something more important to YOU. You do not need to communicate what you are doing to her.



"I had (have) something important I need to take care of" is the thought process, and the words you could use if you really feel like telling her anything....again best not to tell her.

Fishing, shooting,biking,watching the game,reading at a coffee shop, watching paint dry...whatever...


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
1 member likes this: Kind18
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 604
Likes: 251
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 604
Likes: 251
Originally Posted by URS0
I thought she was having a mid-life crisis but more and more I wonder if maybe she just isn’t the person I thought she was.

And what difference would it make if you knew it was option A or option B?

It matters not.

Trying to understand a WW/WAW is a ticket to the crazy house. What if I told you 1+1 = 3? Would you spend days thinking on it and trying to work out how I came to that conclusion?

I had real trouble with this, because I’m a problem solver in my job. I am trained to seek out facts, determine what (if anything is wrong), work out the correct solution and then apply it and then periodically take stock to make sure the solution is working. I approached my divorce the same way initially, and it’s a monumental waste of time. You can’t make sense of that which does not make sense. Once you get your head around that, you’ll DB much more effectively.

Read my thread on exercise, it has some stuff about rumination and why it’s not helpful. Better off spending that energy on things you can control.

1 member likes this: URS0
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Originally Posted by Kind18
You need to learn to get comfortable and unaffected by her being upset/angry/a bitch.
This is an important skill to master: Maintain a calm and content emotional state no matter how the other persons emotional state is. You are an emotional rock for the woman in your life.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
2 members like this: URS0, Kind18
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by URS0
I thought she was having a mid-life crisis but more and more I wonder if maybe she just isn’t the person I thought she was.

Lots of LBSs have put their eggs in the "it's just a MLC basket". What trips up most people is that they believe a MLC is temporary. I prefer calling them "changes" not "crises". It could be that her new self is her permanent new self. A very wise poster that we haven't seen here in a while, sandi, used to remind LBHs that their wayward wife is not the girl you married!

So whether it's a MLC, or a new version of her, or she was always like this and repressing it changes nothing you should be doing.

And I'd like to echo that you're refusing her hug was great. As long as you did it with no emotion. No sadness. Remember, emotional detachment is stating your position without being down, angry or sad. I wasn't there but hopefully you just stated that it was inappropriate matter of factly, like you were refusing a total stranger a hug.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
2 members like this: URS0, job
Joined: Mar 2023
Posts: 45
Likes: 15
U
URS0 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Mar 2023
Posts: 45
Likes: 15
The hardest part is that I know she is going to struggle. To the point that I am legitimately concerned. She agreed to take the older car with no argument. She did not start driving until last year and will be living in a city where she will not regularly be using a car. She has no idea how much auto insurance will cost her or experience going about attaining something like that. I struggle to see why she would even want a car. It is certainly her right and I don’t dispute that. It feels like an attempt to have some sense of control. It is old enough - and considering her lack of driving history - that I am very worried about her trying to get it thousands of miles to her new location. I know I need to move past those types of worries since she has fired me from being her spouse but it could blow back on me if an issue arises mid-journey. Obviously in her current state of mind these glaring issues aren’t even on her radar and I don’t know how to deal with that.

Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello URS

I think you are correct that W does not have worries over some of these issues; glaring as they might be.

Originally Posted by URS0
…in her current state of mind these glaring issues aren’t even on her radar and I don’t know how to deal with that.

Why are you accepting the responsibility of her choices and actions? You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.

Part of her journey is experiencing the fallout and consequences of her choices. The growing up. The responsibility of it all.

You deal with it, by allowing her to walk her path.

Originally Posted by URS0
[The car] is old enough - and considering her lack of driving history - that I am very worried about her trying to get it thousands of miles to her new location. I know I need to move past those types of worries since she has fired me from being her spouse but it could blow back on me if an issue arises mid-journey.

What blow back can you foresee? It’s her car. She in operation of it. She’s an adult.

You don’t need to borrow trouble. We usually find what we are looking for. If one is looking for worry and problems, they will find them.

You can only control you. So, if the older car is truly in a condition that makes it unsafe, you could give her the newer and better vehicle. You could get the older car repaired and roadworthy. You could inform W of the problems with the older car (you really should inform her of the car’s condition good or bad). You could give her a money equivalent for the value of the car and she can purchase her own vehicle instead of driving thousands of miles.

The last option is the one my XW wanted. I offered her pick of our vehicles and she wanted cash instead. She wasn’t even thousands of miles away; her new residence was with OM, my neighbour.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Mar 2023
Posts: 45
Likes: 15
U
URS0 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Mar 2023
Posts: 45
Likes: 15
Thanks for your insights, D.

She asked which car I want and I told her. I thought she would bring these things up and we could discuss. I was waiting for her to do so rather then spoon feeding her this information. To do otherwise felt counter to DB principles; trying to let her take her own journey. Seems like she did not feel comfortable telling me which car she wants or discussing it at all. I’m guessing a lot of this is driven by guilt knowing it would be an imposition on me to take off with the newer car.

Again, I would guess she hasn’t thought this far ahead. She won’t be taking the car for at least a month when she moves to her new apartment. I will give her some time to process things once she has officially moved out this week and if I haven’t heard anything for a fee weeks I will bring up my concerns with safety and discuss giving her equivalent of the vehicles value.

Is this reasonable in your opinion?

Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard