Midlife March Madness

[Kind18]

I’d bet $1000 your wife is having another relationship.

It explains the push/pull of wanting to separate and then suddenly peering back in.

It explains why when she’s away she’s resolute about taking steps towards divorce, but when she’s at home with you she drags the chain and says she doesn’t know and feels sorry for what she is doing.

It explains why she is re-writing history - because she can’t face her decisions, so she needs to make it your fault. Best way to do that is to re-write history, with a side dose of “You didn’t even notice I was unhappy in our marriage for many years, so now I have no choice.”

DNJ’s air vent story is classic rewriting of history. Mine said “I had to leave because you were too nice to me when I was a b*tch.”

She has plenty of opportunity because she goes away all the time. I bet she is protective of her phone.

You moving to start a new career (and her being further away from work and her crush) was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She started to build resentment that she was further away from him/her, and you were the logical person to start blaming.

Why am I telling you this? Not because it changes your strategy. DBing is DBing. Regardless of why she’s doing this, you need to do the same thing - read, reflect, grow, place yourself first, get hobbies, exercise, find an IC. Be strong, unaffected, charismatic and dis-interested in her. YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY GIVE HER TOO MUCH SPACE. Always remember that.

The reason I’m telling you she is most likely having an affair - to help you mentally prepare for when it comes along.

You seem pretty level headed. She’s on an emotional roller coaster which has just left the boarding station. You can jump on board and get tossed about, or you can watch from the sideline and let her ride it out.

DBing is a 3-5 year commitment before they start to peer out of the tunnel. You’ll either
a) not give her enough space and unknowingly put the final nails in the coffin
b) get sick of the drama/run out of patience and decide you deserve better
c) you’ll be super patient and give her loads of space, and maybe you’ll end up together in many years from now

Lawyer. Counsellor. Space.

[SteveLW]

I agree with K18 that your wife is likely involved with someone else. Likely this someone else is also married. That is where your confusion comes from. The OM pulls her, she is then sure she wants to end things. When he pushes her away, she then wants to make sure you are still plan B. This is a very common dynamic at play with a cheating spouse that is unsure of their future with the OP.

The good news is that it changes nothing you should be doing. Get a life. Self improvements. Detachment. Those are your focus.

Stop picking her up from the airport. Stop being willing to help her with things like packing. Remember, she is firing you as her husband so stop doing the things a husband does. Also I'd end MC for now. She is using it to soften the blow for you and to ease her own guilt. Plenty of walkaways have said "we tried everything, even MC!" Just tell her "I've decided MC is a waste of time. I have a lot to sort out myself so will be doing IC instead."

Keep posting. We're here to help!

[Ready2Change]

I agree with K18 that your wife is likely involved with someone else. Likely this someone else is also married. That is where your confusion comes from. The OM pulls her, she is then sure she wants to end things. When he pushes her away, she then wants to make sure you are still plan B. This is a very common dynamic at play with a cheating spouse that is unsure of their future with the OP.

Both are living in a fantasy world. Fastest way to pop that bubble is to push them together. Most wait to long.

[Ready2Change]

Both are living in a fantasy world. Fastest way to pop that bubble is to push them together. Most wait to long.

I don't think "Push them together" is the correct word choice, but I can't edit the post.

They both are only dealing with the "good" parts of a relationships and do not have to deal with the "bad" traits of the other person. The LBS's get to experience that part. When we have enough self respect not to tolerate their bad behavior and set good boundaries, they can either choose to end the affair or move out.

[SteveLW]

R2C we know what you meant. Let them get together and see the bubble eventually burst.

My only add is the LBS should never sit around hoping that happens. They should instead move their life forward. If it happens while the LBS is still interested in the WAS, then they can proceed from there.

[URS0]

Thanks everyone. I understand that there is likely an affair partner at this point. This will cushion the blow if this ever comes out into the open.

I’ve come to understand through the wisdom of this forum that detaching is crucial. It’s truly been a gift. It’s counterintuitive but I can see (when I take a deep breath and step back) that trying to do, say, or even think about “the right thing” to improve the relationship is bound to fail. Analyzing all the little “signals” or “mixed messages” keeps you trapped in a loop that will inevitably lead to your partner feeling pursued even if it is in the slightest ways (body language, tone of voice, etc…)

I’m reminded of the phrase “Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.” Go slow to go fast? Yes, deliberate and well-planned movements will get you across the finish line quicker than rushed, frantic ones. If you love your spouse and care about the relationship the only thing you can do to ever have a hope of getting across the finish line is to detach, let them be, and focus on your own life. Unfortunately this is not a switch you can simply flip. It’s a process everyone must go through on their own. I’m early in the process but I think reading the wisdom on this forum has helped me conceptualize this and the pure repetition with which it appears throughout can really speed up this process.

I will continue to post here as this journey continues. Thank you everyone.

[Kind18]

I’ve come to understand through the wisdom of this forum that detaching is crucial.

Detaching is an interesting one. There’s pretending to be detached to try and manipulate your spouse into wanting you back, and then there’s actually being detached.

How do you do this? Well that’s an interesting question!

Part of it is fake it until you make it. Force yourself into hobbies, renovations, work, exercise, counselling, reading and personal development. This reduces the amount of time you depend on your spouse and their company, so it starts the detachment ball rolling.

The other, much more important part of detaching, is working on your mental health. It’s rebuilding your self worth and confidence and independence. At the moment, you can’t picture a life without your spouse because it’s all you know. So you hang onto what you know (bumping into them, messages, communication, slowing down the divorce or them moving out).

When you truly come to love yourself, then you’ll drop the codependency which is actually why most people end up at this website. When you KNOW you’ll be okay with or without your spouse, you won’t have so much skin in the game. You won’t try to engineer time with them. You won’t get drawn into relationship discussions where they’re trying to confirm they’re doing the right thing, you won’t delay the divorce process hoping they’ll wake up.

And once they see their security blanket is no longer there, that’s the best chance you have that they might realise what they’re losing. Ironically, if you’ve REALLY detached, by the time they decide they might be interested, you’ll likely prefer the look of life without them.

Don’t detach to manipulate them back. Detach because you’re worth it, and you’re going to be happy with or without them.

IC is the best way to rebuild yourself and work towards true detachment.

[URS0]

I’ve been doing well the past couple weeks. Changing out some photos around the house, bought an exercise bike, more cooking, more reading/audiobooks/podcasts. Feeling more energized and more like myself again.

In anticipation of W coming back next week to collect her things I can’t deny feeling more sadness and some anxiety. Not about what the future holds but about what has been lost - for what feels like no reason.

She sent me an email today with a list of things she wants to take when she comes next week. The list includes very broad categories (mugs, some appliances, decorations) and would include many things that I have a right to as much as her. I imagine she senses that she is leaving a lot behind but I don’t want to just green light these items. I don’t want to get into a feud over Knick knacks and seem spiteful but I also feel I need to hold my ground calmly but firmly.

I will take some deep breaths and consult this wise group before responding in any way.

[URS0]

I will add that the message was so vague and dispassionate that it feels completely inconsiderate. I appreciate the attempt to set the stage for her return in terms of expectations but it was so inadequate that it is almost worse than had she shown up unannounced.

[SteveLW]

Pick a couple of items that she will likely want, not because she will want them but because you use them, and make them non-negotiable. Mugs and decorations, who cares? Appliances (I am assuming small appliances?) Pick a couple you will absolutely not part with and then let her choose from the rest. Pick your battles wisely. Mugs and decorations are easily replaced. Small appliances likely are as well, and how often do we seriously use small appliances. In my case there is a water boiler (cup and mug size, heats water at a fast rate), coffee maker and a very nice blender which would be my non-negotiables. Every thing else she could have.

Try to detach your emotions. Lots of LBSs assign meaning to things when it is really about feelings towards the WAS. "I don't want to let her go so it don't want to let that waffle iron that I only use once in a blue moon go." Avoid that trap. Use logic and reason over emotion and feeling.

You've got this!