One day at a time 2

[Rockon]

I was learning from someone recently in a situation like ours who said they weren’t getting IC because of the expense. Budget was tight and they hadn’t thought about using funds from their emergency account. Then they realized their situation was an emergency and required appropriate resources. Resonated

[Boat14]

Any thoughts on doing a R temperature check when BD 1 year anniversary gets here in a little over a week? For awhile I had set that day as an unofficial deadline, time to move on if nothing had changed. Not sure that’s the right move now. Is it a mistake to start a conversation about R status at least?

Let’s play out a likely scenario if you temp check her.
MP: W it’s been x amount of time since you have returned home and I do not feel we have the same goals moving forward in our marriage.
W: what do you mean I’m home aren’t I.
MP: yes but I don’t feel like you are all in trying to repair our marriage.
W: I am trying but I can’t help they way I feel.

This is likely how it will play out. What would be your final response? If it’s nothing then no sense bring it up. If it’s something then I would like to hear what your response would be.

Yeah, you’re right. In the beginning I set 1 year as a “deadline” for myself. I was very angry then and not thinking correctly. I suppose I’m being impatient. Like I mentioned before, I don’t want her to just ease back into our old R and sweep everything under the rug so to speak. Patience is difficult. Thanks.

I don’t necessarily think you are being impatient. I am saying that until you get to the point where your current situation isn’t working for you anymore and are ready to take action you should continue to focus on self improvement and GAL like a madman.

[Ready2Change]

Any thoughts on doing a R temperature check when BD 1 year anniversary gets here ...Is it a mistake to start a conversation about R status at least?

Do not initiate R talks until you are firmly in piecing. You are not in piecing. If she initiates, you STFU and listen and validate her emotional states.


So you have been at this for a year. Hopefully you have been making progressive changes to your behavior and the way you interact with women. This should carry over to your W noticing. How would you rate yourself on attractiveness last year? This year?

[bttrfly]

didn't you just tell Rock you were living your life and not focusing on your sitch???

so have you really been working on yourself, changing your behavioral patterns, trying to be a different and better man than the one she BD'd or have you just learned how to stop thinking about her??

the former is standing, the latter is just waiting.

you have nothing to discuss.

this is just another day on the calendar as far as she's concerned, and needs to be the same for you also.

take yourself out to dinner and a movie.

you'll be in better company.

[Kind18]

Any thoughts on doing a R temperature check when BD 1 year anniversary gets here ...Is it a mistake to start a conversation about R status at least?

It’s always a mistake to start or participate in any relationship discussion post BD.

If your partner is thinking of wanting to try again, you’ll DEFINITELY know about it.

If they’re not being obvious about wanting to try again, there’s your answer - either they don’t want to, or they’re not ready to.

In terms of the 1 year timeline/boundary, that was for you - not for her. We don’t set boundaries like “if they don’t want back in after 1 year then I’ll file” as a means to controlling or forcing our spouse.

You chose to stand for 1 year, and now your 1 year is approaching. You choose what you want. Either you decide it’s worth waiting longer, or you decide you can’t be in limbo any more and you file.

[MikeP]

Thanks for the replies. I knew what the consensus would be, guess I just needed to hear it. When I originally decided that a year would be enough and I would end it, I obviously wasn't thinking correctly and was angry. A lot. I really thought then that one year was the magic number and I wouldn't want to continue in limbo. That was silly, just my anger controlling my emotions.

R2C-I have made changes for sure. My attitude is different, more confident. I'm slowly changing my wardrobe. I know that's just a material thing. The change is important because I had become the sweat pants and hoodie guy. 99% of the time that was my outfit in cool weather. Trying to dress like an adult now which helps with my confidence and how people see me. I'm more assertive in our R. Not overbearing or a jerk, just stopped letting her take the lead all the time.

Bttrfly-I really am doing the things I described to Rock. I guess this one year thing was still stuck in my head. I really thought at this point I wouldn't want to continue in limbo. I know that I was fooling myself. I genuinely think I am standing, not waiting. I am definitely a better man than I was at BD. W has commented a few times on the changes I've made. I just say thanks and change the convo without trying to pat myself on the back. I do know that if our R doesn't work out I will be a much better partner if ever enter into another R. I see things I've done wrong that W hasn't even pointed out. I'm trying to be more self aware. I had planned on spending the day walking and hiking at a local place I've been visiting since I was a kid. Thousands of acres and miles of trails. One of my favorite places in the world. I'll let the day come and go. Spending the day outdoors always does me good.

Kind-I wasn't planning on using that day for an ultimatum. I thought I would just move on if things hadn't changed yet. I was wrong. I can continue on as we are. Things are incrementally changing. Sometimes I think too much. Thanks for your response.

[DnJ]

Hello Mike

Standing really starts when one is healed and strong enough to stand down. Until then, standing is kind of one’s default position.

We all start out standing for our spouse and marriage. In time that gets old. Our marriages are in limbo or like myself, divorced. Our spouse hasn’t really turned around and not much reconciliation ongoing. One’s standing shifts towards their convictions. One begins to stand for themselves.

Standing for me. Those default “reasons” being evaporated or no longer felt give rise to questions of why and what is one doing. Concurrently, one usually is organizing their beliefs and values. Strengthening those which serve, crafting ones they aspire to, and altering or discarding those which do not serve. One finds themselves standing for their convictions rather than a piece of paper or memories of what and who once was.

Standing for me, becomes focused on current time rather than past glories and possible future times. “Waiting” for an awakening vs focusing on and living your best life. It’s being in the present and becoming the best version of one’s self.

Interestingly, timelines disappear. Expectations fade. And hope lives. And not for what one likely thinks; those defaults no longer being in the fore. Even limbo fades away as one embraces their stand, beliefs, and life.

When standing becomes a choice, much strength is gained. To uphold one’s deepest convictions. That is the landscape of faith and values. When one’s spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical paths are all side by side; when one’s journeys along these individual paths all line up; there is such peace and contentment.

Stand for MikeP! He is a pretty awesome guy, and very much worth it!

D

[MikeP]

Hello Mike

Standing really starts when one is healed and strong enough to stand down. Until then, standing is kind of one’s default position.

We all start out standing for our spouse and marriage. In time that gets old. Our marriages are in limbo or like myself, divorced. Our spouse hasn’t really turned around and not much reconciliation ongoing. One’s standing shifts towards their convictions. One begins to stand for themselves.

Standing for me. Those default “reasons” being evaporated or no longer felt give rise to questions of why and what is one doing. Concurrently, one usually is organizing their beliefs and values. Strengthening those which serve, crafting ones they aspire to, and altering or discarding those which do not serve. One finds themselves standing for their convictions rather than a piece of paper or memories of what and who once was.

Standing for me, becomes focused on current time rather than past glories and possible future times. “Waiting” for an awakening vs focusing on and living your best life. It’s being in the present and becoming the best version of one’s self.

Interestingly, timelines disappear. Expectations fade. And hope lives. And not for what one likely thinks; those defaults no longer being in the fore. Even limbo fades away as one embraces their stand, beliefs, and life.

When standing becomes a choice, much strength is gained. To uphold one’s deepest convictions. That is the landscape of faith and values. When one’s spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical paths are all side by side; when one’s journeys along these individual paths all line up; there is such peace and contentment.

Stand for MikeP! He is a pretty awesome guy, and very much worth it!


D

Maybe you should write your own DBing book 😁 You definitely put into words what others can’t. Thank you. You’re correct in that I need to stand for myself. Never quite thought about it that way. Maybe it’s been said by others but didn’t click. I’ve thought more about waiting vs standing and think I’ve been doing some of both. Thanks Bttrfly for making me realize that. I think I am focusing too much on the future. I think I’m afraid that we’re just cruising along with no end to limbo in sight. I don’t stress and worry like before however, it would be nice to be comfortable again with a loving partner that I feel secure with. Things are better for sure between us, probably better than things have been for years. I’m trying to plan my post retirement life and I just have to plan short term for us, long term for me and my children. I know some of my posts seem contradictory. Sometimes I post in the moment without really thinking things through. That’s why I like this forum so much. I can vent and get feedback. Glad to be given grace for my mistakes and being held accountable as well. Thanks again. The feeling that things are getting better for us also makes me nervous if I’m being honest. Trusting the process is hard, as it it should be. It’s too easy to just be angry and not take accountability. If the process was easy we wouldn’t change or grow. As others have said, I wish this never happened but I know in the end I will come out a better person and partner. I already am better, just not the best I can be.

[bttrfly]

Standing. Interesting concept. Many different views on it.

I cannot and will not stand for a marriage when my spouse is married to someone else. This makes zero sense to me.

I suppose I have the choice, as do we all, to stand by my wedding vows or not.

Wedding vows, by their very nature, are an exchange between two people whose intention is to form a partnership.

A business partnership does not continue once the legal entity is dissolved, therefore it makes zero sense to me to stand by wedding vows for a partnership where I'm the solo participant.

I did not choose to end my marriage.

I did not cheat or break my vows while our marriage was intact, or even during our very long separation.

Why should I be denied companionship now that my divorce has been over and done with for over 6 years?

This makes zero sense to me.

This is not being fair to myself, given that I did all in my power to save my marriage, both before BD and after.

This is not living the life I want to live. I've always wanted a family and a partnership. I'm to be denied that because of the behavior and decisions made by the weakest link in the chain - my MLC exh ??? I don't think so.

If you want to look at the religious aspect of the wedding vows, I've already talked to clergy about that. I have clergy's blessing to date. Clearly defined lines of no hanky-panky per the priest, otherwise I will be guilty of committing adultery. We also discussed annulment, and whether or not there's just cause for that in my case (there could very well be), with advice being don't seek one until or unless you get serious about someone and want to get married again. How I choose to act or not act on the religious aspect is, in my mind, separate from standing.

Again, standing is an interesting concept with many different viewpoints/opinions on its definition.

Best to develop your own when the time comes.

[MikeP]

Bttrfly, are you divorced? I'm sorry I don't remember off the top of my head. I do agree with you. If we were to divorce and she remarried I don't think there would be anything to stand for at that point. If W were to start up with the om or someone else I would be done as well at this point. Not saying we couldn't reconcile in the future, just not going through it again. I guess that is a boundary for me. I asked if you are divorced because of your statement about committing adultery. I've never been a religious person so bear with my ignorance. Thanks.