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#2944408 03/18/23 08:26 PM
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Hi all,

Starting my second thread. Didn't realize the other got so long.

To recap the last few days, H told me he wants to work it out. I asked if that meant he was done with his affair. He stated he was very torn and confused and while he knew the affair was wrong, he cares for her. He thinks it would be great to work things out with me, because we have a lot of good together, but he is afraid my changes are only temporary.

I reacted to all of this calmly, suggested we give each other a trial period but said that I didn't want the OW in the picture to mess up the trial. I also suggested he call the OW and let her know he was considering getting back together with me. I told him it was only fair, and frankly, part of me wondered how she might react to that.

So he called her last night and told her. When I got home fairly late at night I asked about it and he seemed upset. He said he would rather not talk about it right then.
I take it she didn't take the news well.

I imagine he will tell me the results of that sometime today or tomorrow.


Previous Thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2943717

Last edited by DnJ; 03/18/23 10:27 PM. Reason: Linked threads.

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Let him bring it up.

Proceed cautiously.

Do not change what you've been doing. It seems you have his attention. Now you have to show that the changes you've made are permanent.

Do you know which ones he's specifically talking about?

Last edited by DnJ; 03/19/23 01:19 AM. Reason: Corrected typo.

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Hello R

I agree with bttrfly. You have his attention, let him come to you.

You continue doing what you’re doing. Be Rejoice2.0.

D


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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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In regards to specific changes, I hope this encourages someone:

I could give a list of 1000 things I'm doing differently but I think it's best to describe it as one thing: a particular shift in perspective.

I simply decided that although my pain is true, although the betrayal is wrong, although I've been a good mom and wife all along, although the bitterness I was carrying around from the past could be justified to anyone who cared to listen... The highest truth is always love, and grace. So I made a conscious decision to live out the love I have for everyone around me and drop any right to be angry at the foot of the Cross.

I felt like the Grinch, whose heart grew three sizes that day. Every change I've made has been from that decision. I've looked for the ways my family needs to be loved the most and I've done those things. I've been able to apologize instead of hold on to pride. I've taken care of my cheating H while he's sick and told a child who stabbed me in the back with her words that my love for her counts for way more than anything she'll ever do wrong. I'm no longer bitter or critical.

Viewing life through the lens of how best I can love everyone in each moment freed me of all the behaviors that drove my H away to begin with. I just shifted the focus off of myself. And it feels like freedom, peace, and joy.


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Remember, believe nothing he says. And only half of what he does.

This is still too early on in your situation to put any significance to anything he says or does. You'll have to give it a lot more time to make sure he is consistent.


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I'm still waiting on this "decision" that H is supposedly making.

We had a great time together over the weekend. We spent 3 full days together, working on projects and hanging out, lots of laughter and some frank discussion. In the past spending that amount of time together would have resulted in multiple fights.

H is aware that unless we're going to try for a real marriage without OW in the picture, that I'm going to move on. For now, in this limbo, we are friends. The waiting is extremely difficult for me, but I'm not about to pursue him or push him. He has to want me.

This is probably the most painful thing I've ever gone through and I've lived through some really painful things. Ugh.


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Hello Rejoice

Remain strong and do not pursue him for his decision. Keep living your life, and see what he demonstrates with his actions.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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DNJ is right as always.

Don’t be in such a hurry.

Waywards/walkaways are like a dog on a leash. Keep trying to yank them closer and they’ll pull away harder and harder.

Better to forget them, let them go sniff some butts, and eventually they’ll realise they want to walk right next to you.

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Also, this board has a few stories of people letting them back too quickly and easily before it all exploded again.

Like Steve said, it’s too early. Watch his behaviours, not what he says - and make sure it’s consistent.

You are the prize here. He should feel like he has to win you back, not just be gifted his old life that he walked away from.

If he thinks it’s easy to come and go, he’ll go again.

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I'm still in limbo.

Today was not a good day. I have days where I'm at peace and days where I hate everyone and cry all the time
Today's the latter.


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You're only in limbo if you choose to be.

You're only in limbo if you're reacting and waiting for your H to make all the decisions.

Is that behavior that got you here in the first place?

Better to focus on yourself, your goals, your values, and what you want. Become the person you want to be separate from your H and marriage. That is the way the changes you've been making will last and become a permanent part of who you are.

Your husband has already said he is worried the changes won't last.

Are you proving him right today or proving him wrong?


M 20+ T25+
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D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
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That this too, was a gift."
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Originally Posted by Rejoice
I'm still in limbo.

Today was not a good day. I have days where I'm at peace and days where I hate everyone and cry all the time
Today's the latter.

Sometimes we need the days like today. Get it out, wake up tomorrow, and do something different. Eventually these days will become less and less the norm. Suddenly they won't happen anymore. One day at a time. Bttrfly is right, you ultimately have control. Take back control from H and move forward. That's what I've been told repeatedly today and it makes sense. Hang in there, we're all pulling for you.


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Actually, forcing my will on this marriage is what got us here in the first place.

He has asked for time and I would actually like to respect his decision for once. He has felt disrespected for many years now.


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sometimes the hardest thing to do is ... nothing.

so while you're busy doing nothing in a marital sense, ramp up your GAL activities


M 20+ T25+
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"Someone I loved once gave me
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Last night was a doozy. I failed in my mission to peacefully give him space, for sure.

I found out H went to OW's apartment again and I guess I finally got sick enough of his crap. Where he'd been very honest about his communication with her earlier this week, he lied again last night. I broke the rules and brought it up and asked what he was doing there.

He got really defensive until I told him I was leaving him and got up to go. Then he freaked out and didn't want me to leave.

He ended up telling me the truth, and that he does still love me, and even admitting to some things from the past that he felt bad about. It was a good conversation and I told him that I forgive him and I also love him.

However, that conversation obviously was not enough for me. He has to choose to stop seeing OW, get individual counseling, and we need marital counseling if he has any hope of rescuing this marriage.

I am going to be thinking and praying a lot today about going to stay with my dad for a while, starting tonight. I need to find the words to say to H that communicate proper boundaries while making sure he understands I am not abandoning him as a person. He has strong abandonment issues from his childhood and I refuse to do that to him again--I will be his friend if nothing else.

This would pretty much be the after the last resort technique. It would have a high chance of ending our marriage and family. But he has responded the most positively throughout this process only when he thinks I'm actually leaving him.


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Seems like you're trying to force a result.

Manipulate him into making a choice he's not ready to make yet.

That didn't work last time, which is why you're in the same spot again now.

Also what are the legal ramifications of you leaving, if it does go the D route - is that considered abandonment in your state?

Do not act precipitously.

Focus on yourself.

Try an IHS where you're in separate bedrooms, rather than leaving the premises.

GAL activities.


M 20+ T25+
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"Someone I loved once gave me
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You're right, I'm probably jumping the gun.

I let my emotions get the best if me last night, and so did he.


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So what are you going to do differently from today onward?


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I'm going to leave it alone and allow him to come to his own conclusions.
I'm not going to go looking to catch him in lies.
I'm going to continue to detach and GAL.


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what are your GAL activities these days?


M 20+ T25+
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"Someone I loved once gave me
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I'm going to worship services 3 days a week. Seems excessive but it really helps my state of mind.
I'm going to various art studio groups.
Lunches with at least two friends a week.
Check-ins with a couple of depressed friends at least once a week. I know that doesn't sound like a lot of fun but I love them and like to cheer them up.
I'm talking to my dad about buying my own motorcycle (He's the motorcycle guru)
My art
Currently on my way to a friend's birthday party.
Next weekend I'm taking an overnight out of town with another friend.


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Sounds great. Good to have both fill up your tank activities and ones to build up/serve others.


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sounds good.

in addition to keeping busy, what are you reading and doing to change the person you were at BD?

Last edited by bttrfly; 03/27/23 12:08 PM.

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I'm reading a book on God's love and rereading my notes from DR/DB frequently.
I read a book on respecting my husband in marriage which was eye opening.
To continue to change I'm slowing down and thinking about my words and actions through a lens of showing love to everyone, rather than allowing every circumstance to make me frustrated.


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Rejoice, how are things going?


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Nothing new to report.
I'm still doing my best to GAL and he's still doing whatever he wants and not making this "decision" he claims he's making.


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Hello R

Good for you. Keep focusing on you and living life.

H may be struggling greatly with working on his decision, or he may be running from it, or something in between. Leave him to it. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Personally, I suspect H is wracked. The less ammo you provide the more he has to look at things. Guilt, regret, and such are near impossible to run from. Especially in the still dark of night while laying in bed. It’s when one’s demons come out to play.

Keep giving time and space, and being pressure-free.

How was the overnight trip? Nice hotel? Good food? Fun time?

D


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The overnight trip was nice! The food and the company were great.
We saw a comedy show which was a lot of fun.
When I returned I didn't provide much for details to H about my time there, and he ended up having a cow about how he wants me to tell him more things more often. Ha ha smile


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Typical entitled WAS.


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You handled H perfectly. smile

Glad you had a great time.


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Last night was a disaster.
I lost my cool, again.

I saw a text from OW to H, and the jist of it was asking him to move in with her so that she no longer has to live in her crummy apartment. I did not see his response... Yet.
I'm disgusted, obviously she knows my husband is a hard worker and makes decent money and she's trying to snatch a better life for herself.

So I was upset. I didn't tell him what I saw, but I was angry and let him know I was angry. I told him there are two parts of me, and I feel insane because they're both equally strong. One part loves him and the other hates him. One part wants to literally run away and never see him again and the other wants only him. I told him his behavior is disgusting.

He was angry that I called him out and brought this up, obviously. But he ended up telling me that he's scared that my changes aren't permanent, and that divorce is the very last thing he wants but he wants to be sure things won't go back to the same old way. He held me while I cried and told me he loves me, unprompted.

So, he's either leading me on or leading OW on. I lost my cool and have no further answers or anything to show for it, which is to be expected.

I guess today is a new day for detaching.


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Originally Posted by Rejoice
So, he's either leading me on or leading OW on. I lost my cool and have no further answers or anything to show for it, which is to be expected.

The answer is yes.

Rejoice, it's simple.. He wants his cake and eat it too. He wants the stability you are providing and the extra curricular activities she is.

We've seen a lot of these situations. The truth is that he will continue cake eating as long as you allow him to. Sadly, these situations do not usually turnaround until the LBW decides enough is enough and decides she no longer wants to be married to a lying cheater. (By the way, trying to pretend to not want him won't work. Many LBSs have tried that manipulation tactic and it almost always backfires.)

Rejoice, I highly suggest looking up the threads of Kitkat. She was a lesson in exactly what not to do in this kind of situation. You can learn here two ways, by reading how to handle and how not to handle things.


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Originally Posted by Rejoice
Last night was a disaster.
I lost my cool, again.

I saw a text from OW to H, and the jist of it was asking him to move in with her so that she no longer has to live in her crummy apartment. I did not see his response... Yet.
I'm disgusted, obviously she knows my husband is a hard worker and makes decent money and she's trying to snatch a better life for herself.

So I was upset. I didn't tell him what I saw, but I was angry and let him know I was angry. I told him there are two parts of me, and I feel insane because they're both equally strong. One part loves him and the other hates him. One part wants to literally run away and never see him again and the other wants only him. I told him his behavior is disgusting.

He was angry that I called him out and brought this up, obviously. But he ended up telling me that he's scared that my changes aren't permanent, and that divorce is the very last thing he wants but he wants to be sure things won't go back to the same old way. He held me while I cried and told me he loves me, unprompted.

So, he's either leading me on or leading OW on. I lost my cool and have no further answers or anything to show for it, which is to be expected.

I guess today is a new day for detaching.
Go re-read my last post to you.

Is he monkey-branching with you both? Maybe, but sounds like she's in pursuit. Don't you do the same.

This is the second time you've posted that he's afraid your changes are not permanent. Please pay attention to this!!!

This is an opportunity for you to ask him how serious he is about wanting to be sure things don't go back to the same old way. It's an opportunity for the two of you to discuss what exactly he means by that.

No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets here because they were the perfect spouse and their ex went off the deep end. We sometimes like to blame the ex and cling to the excuse of MLC, tough childhood, they 'changed' or whatever. And that's truly understandable if our spouses are behaving reprehensibly, but to stop there is to know only half the truth.

Yes, my exh was MLC. Guess what? I wasn't perfect. I know exactly what I did that put him over the edge. It wasn't intentional, but I have to own my part. Anything less is being dishonest to my marriage and more importantly myself.

SO, OWN your part. If you want to, CHANGE the things that you want to change. Become a better version of yourself, FOR yourself.

Look Rejoice, you've done enough work to have actually gotten your husband's attention. That says a lot.

Keep the focus on yourself. Keep doing the deep work so the changes become permanent. It could save your marriage.

It may not. Be prepared for that.

But do it for yourself, first and foremost, and trust that you will be in the relationship you're supposed to be in, with the person meant for you, when the timing is right.

Maybe with your husband.

Maybe with someone you have yet to meet sometime down the road.

I'm hoping with your husband. What are the changes he has to make as well? Is he open to MC, with a pro-marriage counselor or Retrouvaille? (Probably too early to ask that question, but keep that in mind also).

and Happy Easter xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Please re-read bttrfly's postings as many times as you can. What she has posted is very, very spot on.

Any changes that you make must become permanent. You will know if the changes are the right ones for you. As for your h not thinking that the changes are permanent...don't worry about that. You are the only one that will know deep in your heart that the changes are permanent. Those changes are for you, not your h.

Always remember that actions speak louder than words. If you stumble along the way, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. None of us are perfect in this world. We all make mistakes and we learn from those mistakes every day.

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I can relate to this in my sich and will reread BF’s post. rejoice, I believe her input to be important for you to read reread and digest. W made it clear to me shortly after BD that she is dead serious about not going back to how things were. And I for one do not want to go back to that and also don’t want this.

It is taking a profound reworking of my instincts and behaviors. Just lately there has been a noticeable shift in that W has been more reflective and bringing up ways she checked out of the M. And she has been saying she notices my changes and how I’m taking care of everything that needs to be. She has also been telling me more of her ideas for me to continue on my best path.

And also lately she was more humble as she explained to me things so never knew about her dreams and hopes for our M. It seems to me we are more clearly separated and apart by definition. Now as I have been detaching more. And she has changed her language. Also she just spent time with our original Pastor and sounds like she is planning g to have counseling from him.

In my sich, I believe it is time for me to go further in my work on and for me and give W as much space as I possibly can.

And BF, I have been following your advice and leaving my communication with W to only special needs S and not our other kids.


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Thank you all, you're so right.

I had fallen back into letting my feelings get the best of me when my focus must be to get better.

I know I'm an entirely new person. It was legitimately a miracle for me. I understand very clearly the ways I was difficult to live with and I know he's seeing that I'm different, he just needs time to trust it. But even if he doesn't ever, at least I'm a better human now and a thousand times more self aware.

Yesterday he voluntarily went to church with me. He is wearing his wedding band today. So there are small signs of hope.


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Can someone help me locate those threads I was recommended? Kitkat? For whatever reason when I do a forum search it never works!


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Never mind, it's working now.

Would anyone be able to elaborate on Retrouvaille? I've heard the name but haven't followed that rabbit trail. Thanks all!


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Originally Posted by Rejoice
Never mind, it's working now.

Would anyone be able to elaborate on Retrouvaille? I've heard the name but haven't followed that rabbit trail. Thanks all!

It is an intense marriage counseling boot camp. I believe it also is spiritual based (Catholic if I'm remembering right). Some have claimed it be very beneficial. There are other such programs through other avenues as well. If he is wearing his wedding ring again I agree that's a positive sign. But could also be a sign that things are breaking down with OW. And he could be on the look out for another OW. We have seen that before.

So keep working on yourself. We have a saying around here: When the WAS wants to come back, you will know. When they don't, you'll be confused.


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I wouldn't consider Retrouvaille until he has come back into the marriage. We have had a few attempt this program, but it ended in a negative way because the MLCer/crisis individual felt pressured to come back into the marriage and/or felt put upon to do the heavy work when they just weren't ready to do so.

You do not want to put pressure on him. He needs space and time to figure himself out. This is a program that may work once he's recommitted to the marriage and is willing to do the heavy work to make it work and show you through his actions that he is ready to be your spouse once again.

I would do some research on the program, but try to remember that many of them are willing to do to a couple of sessions at a therapist and they only hear what they want to hear and then find excuses not to go any longer.

Work on you! Right now, you are the most important person that needs to take care of herself. Keep the focus on you.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I've been doing well for about three days.
Signs of hope, H is wearing his wedding ring, he voluntarily went to church with me on Easter, he and I have been spending a lot of fun time together.

I set a goal for myself:
-zero mention of OR or OW
-go the entire time without letting him see a single tear or even an angry face (completely UNBOTHERED, even if he's lying or at OW's place.)
-when he tries to bait me into an argument because he's feeling guilty about what he's doing, immediately state that I don't have time for any negativity in my life, I'm too busy, and leave the room.

My plan, since I do well with deadlines, is to be *perfect* in this way of detaching from the situation for 14 days.
Then I'll reassess, take a few days away to "help my sister with the baby" and really let him think.
For my GAL and PMA, I'm needing to mostly ignore this awful situation. I was still too emotional about it and not detaching properly.

H has noticed.
The first two days he tried to bait me into arguments (I think he stopped at OW's place and was looking for me to give him a reason to justify it.)
I told him I had no time for it and to have a good night.

The third day he wanted to have a heart to heart. He talked a lot about how I used to act (controlling, disrespectful) and stated that he sees I've changed but he needed to talk about the past. He said again that he's afraid the changes aren't permanent.
I validated him and didn't comment further.
He said he doesn't know what to do about OW. He enjoys having a "friend like her" to talk to because he doesn't feel safe talking with me. He said if he just cuts her off completely he feels it's not fair to her because "she's innocent in all of this." I about gagged. I kept my cool but those two statements absolutely disgusted me--innocent, that's hilarious.
Lots of excuses for his behavior but he made some good points about some ways I communicate that don't work well in our relationship, and I can put a stop to that.

I did a couple of super unexpected things that seemed to get his attention. I dared H to get a piercing with me and we did it. I challenged myself to "bless those who hurt me" and I extended an invitation to OW's children for our annual glow in the dark Easter egg hunt. She refused but I felt good knowing I had extended kindness. Various other off the wall things that have H questioning everything.


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Hello Rejoice

Nicely done. Three good days. Eleven to go.

I like the goals. And how you’re incorporating your affinity for deadlines to help achieve them.

Originally Posted by Rejoice
The first two days he tried to bait me into arguments (I think he stopped at OW's place and was looking for me to give him a reason to justify it.)
I told him I had no time for it and to have a good night.

Well done not getting dragged into an argument.

Originally Posted by Rejoice
The third day he wanted to have a heart to heart. He talked a lot about how I used to act (controlling, disrespectful) and stated that he sees I've changed but he needed to talk about the past. He said again that he's afraid the changes aren't permanent.
I validated him and didn't comment further.

Keep living the new you.

H seems to be using his “afraid the changes aren’t permanent” as another justification for his actions. Validation is well and all, however don’t want to reinforce his reasons and justifications, just acknowledge their validity to him.

Perhaps next time he brings the past controlling and disrespectful up: “Oh, I agree. I much prefer who I am now.”

Originally Posted by Rejoice
He said he doesn't know what to do about OW. He enjoys having a "friend like her" to talk to because he doesn't feel safe talking with me. He said if he just cuts her off completely he feels it's not fair to her because "she's innocent in all of this." I about gagged. I kept my cool but those two statements absolutely disgusted me--innocent, that's hilarious.

Innocent. Ha.

This is a pretty common view for those embroiled in an affair. When trying to end an affair the cheater can feel protective of the other person. There is also feelings of withdrawal. And guilt. And so on.

Best to keep your cool, and stay out of it. H made this mess, and he gets to clean it up. He has to figure out how to end it. And there is usually a lot of drama.

Stick to your boundaries. You don’t need a “friend like her” around.

D


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Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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You’re an absolute boss Rejoice 😎

Well done!

Don’t let your emotions trip you up on this new path.

Sometimes, good DBing feels completely the opposite of what we used to do or what feels right.

Very proud of you!

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Four days down, going on day 5, and he voluntarily said "I love you" before we went to sleep. Then he asked if I would say it back. I did, but I took my time with it.

Yes, he still holds me all night, every night.
I know, that sounds like the opposite of detachment, but it began as one of my 180s--H's love language is touch--and I have to go with my gut feeling and my knowledge of my H. I honestly think that simple act is slowly saving my marriage. H currently feels unstable literally everywhere in his life except in our bed, with me.

Another thing I will reassess at the end of my 14 days.

A thing he mentioned in our heart to heart that might encourage others going through this, or provide insight into WAS mind:
He says a part of him is angry that
A) I couldn't have made the changes before he wanted to leave me
B) that he's not able to just walk away from me and write me off because of my changes. Said it would have been much easier to write me off as a cold, bitter ex and move on with his life, but now that I'm responding to him with respect and affection, he can't ignore me.


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Well I guess I have to start over.

He baited me into an argument tonight.

I reacted really badly. I couldn't stand the way he was talking to me, when I treat him with such respect, even when I know he's been with another woman.


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Good Morning Rejoice

Originally Posted by Rejoice
He baited me into an argument tonight.

H is most likely the person that knows you best. After yourself of course. As such, H can wield intimate knowledge and shared history to push your buttons like no one else can.

Originally Posted by Rejoice
I reacted really badly. I couldn't stand the way he was talking to me…

One’s reactions are within one’s control. It helps to reframe how one speaks and thinks about things and these exchanges.

Couldn’t stand how… Cannot… This mindset unwittingly removes one’s control. After all, if one truly “cannot” then no power can overcome that. Example, I (DnJ) cannot become pregnant.

Couldn’t, wouldn’t, can, cannot, will, will not, do, do not, and try. You can see how certain words places one in control, and the other words effectively remove one’s control. Our minds are always listening and will craft our reality just as we ask them to.

I’ve no doubt H was disrespectful and kept needling you until you reacted. If you more “will not stand the way he was talking to you” rather than “couldn’t”, that is the realm of healthy boundaries.

The basic boundary template:

Setting: When you _____, I feel ______. I want __________ .

Enforcing: If you ______ I will __________ .

A boundary is useless unless you are prepared to enforce it. You will be challenged and tested on every one of your boundaries. So make darned sure you can and will enforce them, because if you don't you are wasting your breath and increasing the contempt they feel for you.

H, when you disrespect me, I feel sad and hurt and belittled. I want to have respectful communications with you, free from swears and yelling as well. If you yell, swear, or become disrespectful, I will leave the room and end the conversation.

Such a planned action lessens unwanted reactions, and helps with detachment. I’m sure you’d agree your emotions were somewhat hijacked in the exchange and you were dragged from your rational logical approach.

Originally Posted by Rejoice
Well I guess I have to start over.

It’s growth and learning. Build upon it. And you are not starting over from square one, you have experience.

Have a great Sunday.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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You're so right as usual. I felt defeated and was looking at things negatively instead of ways to set good boundaries. Thank you for the reminders!


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Why are you still sharing a bed with him?

I'd firmly invite him to sleep elsewhere. Anywhere. But make it clear he is no longer welcome in the marital bed.


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If something is working, then keep doing it.

If something is NOT working, then change it up.

You will learn to know the difference if you remain calm and observant. Patterns emerge.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I share a bed with him because it works for us. As I said, giving my husband the affection that was sorely lacking in our marriage before has been by far the most effective 180 I've pulled so far. H has mentioned more than once that without that change he would not have reconsidered the divorce at all.

From the many times I've read DB and DR, the entire point is to do the opposite of what you've always done. I've heard the opinions of dozens of folks, friends, family, people on this board. The vast majority would have me kicking him out of the bed, I know. But I must do what works for my H. There are also several success stories I have read in which the LBS took the approach that I am taking, giving more affection rather than less.

That is not to say that I am pursuing him or staying emotionally attached.
The two things are not mutually exclusive.
Detaching emotionally has been the second most useful tool so far. H absolutely notices when I have a laissez-faire attitude toward his actions and he doesn't like it... In a good way.
I know I will be okay no matter what the outcome and he realizes that. I'll be honest, I've been slightly petty from time to time and vaguely mentioned things like dating in conversation. He hates it.

Being present, listening to him, giving him the touch that he craves, laughing with him and making him laugh, helping him out much more than I did previously, and generally being an excellent friend--- while also declining to speak about the relationship, doing no begging or "I love you" behavior and having a vibrant and creative life of my own--- has gotten his attention in a major way. He went from ready to file for divorce, refusing to speak or even look at me, and spending every spare moment with his "friend," to voluntarily telling me (as recently as last night) that he does love me, that he does want to stay with me, and seeing his "friend" once or twice a week for maybe an hour or two.

Now, obviously that isn't something to celebrate quite yet. He has to come out of the fog of MLC or whatever this craziness is and do some incredibly intense work to prove to me that he can be the husband I need.

I also need to continue to prove to him that I can be the wife he needs. I know I am a brand new person, but he is very scared that things will slip back into the way they were. He's told me that he really needs to see that I can handle my bigger emotions without being so disrespectful to him. And I'm capable of doing that, now that I've gotten back to who I really am.

Side note, WAS's definitely notice even the smallest things. He's mentioned when I've done my nails, afraid that I was going out on a date or something. He's told me he likes various tiny things I've done that felt like part of the new me. I'm a professional artist and I'm creative in quite a few other ways so I've set a goal to create something every day. Obviously it helps my PMA, but a nice bonus is the fact that he notices and admires my creativity. So I've painted, I am turning several band t-shirts into cute tank tops with my sewing machine, I planted the flower beds and turned some throw away wagons into cute planters, I've changed out some home decor. One thing he takes notice of is my jewelry, so a while back I hopped on Temu and ordered a couple of dozen new things. (That sounds like a lot but everything on Temu is $1 or so.) So I'll wear a few new rings, bracelets, earrings, whatever. Makes me feel pretty and has that bonus of my H taking notice of yet another thing I've changed.

I guess I'm long-winded today. I spent a lot of time with friends yesterday and I'm feeling good.

Maybe this will help someone:
My faith has been my rock. When I've slipped up it's 100% of the time when I've taken my eyes off of God. For any believers out there reading this, put your trust in God. Know that He will get you through no matter what happens. Literally the day that I was finally able to let go of my fear and tell God that I trust Him no matter what, my H turned a corner in his attitude toward me. I pray all the time, every day, and when my prayers focus on the goodness of God, and blessing those who hurt me, rather than my own circumstances, it seems that everything else falls in line. When my prayers focus on myself and my sadness, things go poorly between H and myself. I have peace about my decision to not only stay, but treat my H with compassion and affection despite what he's doing to me, ONLY because God has been good enough to show me that that's the path I'm supposed to be on multiple times. If for no other reason than to have zero regrets when this is over.


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Originally Posted by Rejoice
My faith has been my rock. When I've slipped up it's 100% of the time when I've taken my eyes off of God. For any believers out there reading this, put your trust in God. Know that He will get you through no matter what happens. Literally the day that I was finally able to let go of my fear and tell God that I trust Him no matter what, my H turned a corner in his attitude toward me. I pray all the time, every day, and when my prayers focus on the goodness of God, and blessing those who hurt me, rather than my own circumstances, it seems that everything else falls in line. When my prayers focus on myself and my sadness, things go poorly between H and myself. I have peace about my decision to not only stay, but treat my H with compassion and affection despite what he's doing to me, ONLY because God has been good enough to show me that that's the path I'm supposed to be on multiple times. If for no other reason than to have zero regrets when this is over.

Amen.


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Rejoice, 180s are part of DBing. However, you should not use 180s as an excuse for breaking other DB principles. For instance, if you were already good at GAL before BD that doesn't mean you should 180 on GAL after BD. That doesn't even make logical sense.

So when there is a principle to not share a bed with a cheating spouse you don't 180 on that.

Also, affection is not part of DBing. The analogy I like to use is car maintenance. Marriages are like cars, if you do the routine maintenance the car will run smoothly. So to keep the marriage running smoothly you need to do the maintenance: affection, date nights, sex, doing things together. However, if you skip routine maintenance and have a major breakdown, routine maintenance won't fix it. If you skip oil changes and your car's engine blows, changing the oil will be futile. Trying to be affectionate with a WAS after BD because you failed to be before will also be futile.

Your best chance at saving your marriage is to properly DBing. That's why I wanted you to read Kitcat's threads because she tried to go your way with a cheating husband and ended up with sleeping with him while he was living with (and sleeping with) the OW. So he got his cake and ate it too! Your husband will likely never return to the marriage if he gets all the benefits of a wife from you while engaging with someone else. In fact, you are essentially rewarding him for cheating on you by becoming an awesome wife.

Never reward a cheating spouse. Unless you essentially want to end up being the OW (again read Kitcat's threads).

And you claim it is working, but is it? After your long previous response you came back with an update about a blow up with him. DBing half way never works.

I'm with you related to trusting in God. I'm extremely religious, in fact, that made me pretty unpopular on this site. However, trusting in God as a wife does not include putting up with adultery. I hope you understand that God's plan for marriage does not include one spouse allowing, almost condoning their spouse being intimate with someone else. In fact, if you think about that, that's pretty much the definition of an open marriage. And open marriages were never part of God's plan.


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Thank you, Steve, you've given me a lot to think about.


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Update

Last night, H sat me down and told me that he spoke to the OW and told her that it's in everyone's best interest that they no longer speak to one another.

He was not willing to discuss anything beyond that yet.

I reacted calmly and simply asked if he was ok, as he seemed to be having a hard time with it. I'm guessing he expected me to be excited but I played it very cool. I'm waiting patiently until he has the bandwidth to tell me more, because I certainly have a lot to say about what the future of our marriage looks like when he's ready to hear it.


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You did well to keep your enthusiasm dialled down to zero.

Please be aware that 95% of the time when waywards say something like this, within a week they’re back with AP or onto their next one. It’s imperative you understand to align your expectations accordingly.

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Good Morning Rejoice

Well done. Continue to remain be calm and moving forward.

Originally Posted by Rejoice
H sat me down and told me that he spoke to the OW and told her that it's in everyone's best interest that they no longer speak to one another.

That is a good step. However, that is not H stating he wants to be in a committed relationship with you.

Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.

H did likely speak with OW. Yet, his language leaves plenty of wiggle room. He only said it is in everyone’s best interests. He didn’t firmly end it. Not yet anyhow.

As his emotions sort and settle, his language will alter as well. His current path and decisions, are emotionally driven. Rational and clear minded takes a while. All of which is reflected in his actions. Hence, believe only half of what they do. Consistent demonstrated behaviour.

H likely has the intentions. Need to let him show just how strong is his spirit. Does he have the fortitude to really end things.

Originally Posted by Rejoice
I'm waiting patiently until he has the bandwidth to tell me more, because I certainly have a lot to say about what the future of our marriage looks like when he's ready to hear it.

It will be some time before H will be ready for a discussion about the future look of your marriage. Dig for patience and keep living for you. And keep doing what works.

Hoping you have a wonderful Sunday.

D


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I am a bit short on patience but I will try. Ha ha

Really struggling with how unfair all of this is lately.

H said something about moving forward with our marriage amidst a bunch of vitriol last night and this morning.

Just going to have to sit back and wait for him to explain himself I guess.


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Rejoice, I see you struggle with "waiting" and "patience".

DBing is about moving yourself forward, not just sitting and hoping he throws you a bone. And GAL activities planned? How are your self improvements coming? Are you working on becoming the best version of yourself? Those two things are the best ways to work towards detachment.

I agree with you, it is unfair. However, when life is unfair, during back and waiting for life to get fair rarely works. Being someone's Plan B is not a fun place to be. Double down on moving your own life forward. He'll keep you stuck where you are for as long as you allow him too.

One last thing. I mention your self improvements above. The biggest self improvement I can see is too stand up for yourself and refuse to be held captive by someone that is also involved with someone else! (NOTE: You do that through action. Not words!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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How are you going, Rejoice?

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Hi all,

I'm sorry I went off the map for a while there.

A week or so after my last post, my H "woke up" and told me he saw all my changes, that he loved me and never wanted anyone else, and that he wanted to stay together and get some counseling for himself. He apologized profusely for everything he had put me through, and blocked the woman he was talking to on every platform. He hands over his phone, now, without question anytime I'm feeling insecure.

Then a couple weeks after that turnaround, my amazing, wonderful, solid rock of a father passed away unexpectedly. So, you understand why I've not been active. I'm still reeling from that but my H has been my lifeline through this horrible time and we are stronger and happier with each other than I could have ever have imagined despite the circumstances.

I will post in more detail later and I hope it can go on the success stories thread as I feel that's where this belongs.

Thank you all for your advice and support.


H 41 W 36
D16 S15--my stepchildren
D11--biological
M 6, T 13
Bomb/EA 1/19/23
Separated but living together
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This is great news Rejoice how wonderful for H to realise this and better still go and get counselling. Even better when they can be your rock when you need them most. It’s what we all come here wishing and dreaming for as LBS. Always great to hear a happy ending


M:41 H:48
T:20. M:16.5
BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
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HUGS


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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My condolences. (((Hugs)))


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Wow, you have an incredible amount on your shoulders right now. It must be overwhelming!

Sorry to hear about your father.

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In the midst of such deep sadness, a reason to be grateful and rejoice is always welcome. I'm happy to read your post, though very sorry for the loss of your father. Sending hugs xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hugs and care Rejoice


M:52 W: 51
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The long version. I wrote this out in case anyone needs some hope and step by step ideas today.
Anyone know who to contact, to put this on the success stories thread?

First, Divorce Busting WORKS.
At the beginning of 2023, I lost a dear friend to covid and on the same day, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. It eventually came out that he was seeing someone else, a "friend" we were helping to leave her controlling partner.
I was absolutely devastated. I couldn't eat or sleep.
I could not imagine losing our family unit.
Miraculously, my sister in law handed me her copy of the Divorce Busting book within a few days of the devastating news. I read and reread it and took notes and immediately applied it. I messed up several times but I dusted myself off and continued forward.
To make a long story short, my H and I are not getting a divorce, he cut the OW out of his life completely, and we have been happier than ever for the last 4 months despite some terrible life circumstances.
I will put the story below, and then some fine details that might help some of you.

I read DB immediately and came to several conclusions.
1. My marriage was not over and my family would not be torn apart.
2. My H still loved me, but was very, very hurt by all the ways the years had taken a toll on our marriage.
3. He was looking for an out to the pain, and had given up hope.
4. I had a much better chance of showing him that there was hope, and that I, we, could change, if he stayed in the home. Forced exposure, basically. I knew I was signing up for absolute torment as I needed to be very calm while he saw another woman, but my family was worth it.

So step one, I asked him to remain in the home for the time being. I told him I would not bother him at all, but thought it would be easier on the kids if we transitioned to him moving out slowly rather than all at once. He agreed.

Step two, I apologized to him for the ways that I knew I had contributed to making him want to leave. On one hand it really grated on me that he was the betrayer, yet I was apologizing, but I knew I had done things to hurt him as well and it was good and right to apologize. That opened up several more conversations about how he felt and I was able to apologize to him for other things as well.

Step three was my second 180 besides being so amiable and apologetic, and besides the protection of God, I credit this step with starting the journey back to my marriage. This one is NOT FOR EVERYONE, but I took it straight out of the DB book.
I asked him if we could be "friends with benefits." I stressed that it was only until I had found someone else, (that bit clearly made him jealous) but that there was no reason we couldn't help each other out.
Michelle stated in the book that one tactic could be to seduce your partner when they come home, no matter where you think they've been.
She also made a great post on this forum about couples whose physical relationship saved their marriage. It in part saved mine for sure.
She stressed in her post and I stress to you now, if is NOT a 180 for you, if it feels wrong, or if your relationship is clearly not improving after you've been intimate for a while, it's time to do another 180.
PLEASE understand this is not for everyone and if it comes off in ANY way as if you are desperately clinging, it will never work.
I knew several very important things about my husband:
A, he was hurt above all that I had been rejecting him sexually just because I was too busy.
B, sex and even non-sexual touch are at the very top of his list in the ways that he feels love. (Michelle describes a certain type of man as "highly sexed" and it applies to my H to the letter.)
C, I felt he was telling the truth when he told me that he was not in a physical relationship with OW. I know exactly how he acts when he has not been sexually active, and it was very clear he was not. (Later I found proof in a love note from OW in which she thanked him for "not needing" a physical relationship (gag.) So, I knew I was not in danger of STDs.
So our R was a good candidate for this 180. Yours may not be. Proceed with caution.
It is important to note that I asked him for "benefits" when he was in a space where he felt more comfortable with me.
1. I hadn't blown up at him for the ghastly thing he was doing,
2. I was clear that I would give him his divorce with no issues,
3. I had apologized,
4. And then I had spent several days just being happy to see him, with no judgement, when he got home from work or presumably from her house.
He agreed. And each time, things seemed to get slightly more intimate and loving.

Step four, (and mind you I'm reeling through all of this. Sobbing and praying on my knees most of the day, only to clean myself up and behave like someone that he would want to come home to by 4:30 p.m.) I made myself get a life. It helps that I already had one, honestly. I just took the initiative and spent more time with various groups of friends. I found things to occupy two to three nights per week, and I let him believe whatever he believed, but they were usually just worship services. The services uplifted me a lot and my silence about where I was going made him very jealous.
GAL was the last piece that saved my marriage. The curiosity and jealousy as he saw me getting dressed, doing my hair and putting make up on to leave the house were plain as day. He tried very hard to act like he did not care but I know him.

To sum this piece up,
1. Immediately go no pressure. Detach from your emotions and make your changes RIGHT AWAY and STICK TO IT. I was bitter and critical before, I got back to who I really am inside and showed that woman to him every single day. He noticed my changes immediately. ACT AS IF you have had an awakening and you're going to be happy--because you have and you are!
2. Decide whether or not intimacy is for you
3. Get a life

Note: Detachment is NOT withdrawal!!
I FINALLY understood this concept after reading an excellent post from a wise DBer.
It is simply not taking things personally.
We can meet anger or indifference with love when we are detached from the actions of another.
It's controlling how we respond.
Think of it as if your spouse is just a friend--you care about them, but their actions do not have to affect you or your emotions at all.
You MUST be able to show them your real, happy, self that they fell in love with if you want them to remember how much they love you.
...
As time went on, my H made many comments about how he noticed I had changed but he was afraid the changes were not permanent.
I told him that it's fine, my changes were not for him. I said he woke me up to how bitter I was and I just didn't want to be that person anymore.

He continued to visit OW. I ignored it as much as I could.

He also had several more rather loud moments of letting me know all the ways I had hurt him over the years. I responded apologetically, telling him I was sorry I had been bitter all of those years and that I hoped he could forgive me someday.

When it seemed he was getting too comfortable, making demands of me as if I had to uphold our marriage while he did not, I wrote him a note.
Again, this is not for everyone and it must never come off as desperate.
In the note, I thanked him for our new friendship.
I told him that I appreciate it that we can move forward as good, communicative co-parents.
I said I wanted to assure him of a few things.
I said that as I begin dating, I will be sure to honor him as my friend and my children's father in two ways: I would not introduce any new interest to the kids until we became very serious, because that's not fair to the kids.
I would also not tell my new interest anything that would cause disrespect for H, and I would promote a good relationship between all involved at all times.
He got the clear message that I would absolutely be moving on. And of course, none of it was a lie. If necessary I absolutely would have moved on, I would have eventually tried dating and I would have made the best of it as promised in my note. But I didn't let on how much I didn't want that to have to happen.

I also redoubled my time outside of the home and did plenty of things that had him questioning what I was up to. In fact, when he took the kids to see his family without me for a week, I made an appointment and got a tattoo I had designed after the passing of my beloved grandmother last year. And then I hung out with my tattoo guy for a while (strictly platonic, just two artists chatting, but my H was insanely jealous.) When he heard about it, he got very angry. Then he called the next day saying he'd thought a lot about it and he wanted to work things out with me, but he needed more time to know that my changes were actually real.

I gave him his time, although it was torture.
I continued to be his friend, maintain the home and be a good mother.
By June he had told OW that he didn't want a relationship with her.
By mid-June he had cut her off and blocked her on all platforms.
We had some excellent talks about our relationship, rebuilding trust and going to therapy.
It's now November, and despite the sudden passing of my father in July, and the sudden passing of another of my best friends in September, our marriage is better than ever. I'm not sure that we were this happy even in the beginning.
2023 has been the worst year of my life. But I have my family intact and I can thank God and divorce busting for that.

Additional items:

Things that helped with my emotional state:
•Prayer and trusting in God to change hearts
•Praising God even in the pain
•How to Save Your Marriage Alone by Ed Wheat, M.D.
•Reading success stories on this site
•Read Divorce Busting/Divorce Remedy all the way through, took notes, read again.
•Staying busy and having a life. Distraction is key.
•I wrote out every verse on marriage that I could find to remind myself that God is on my side, the side of healthy marriages.
•I searched online for prayers to read aloud for the return of an unfaithful spouse, when I was at my lowest points and couldn't find words to pray on my own.
•Read several books on healthy marriages that put things into perspective.
•Winning your Husband Back by Gary Smalley

I prepared answers to give him:
•When he brought up my changes, I predetermined to respond gently that my changes were not for him.
•When he brought up the past or reasons he was upset with me, I predetermined to respond that I can see why he is hurt and ask him to tell me more about it. If appropriate, I predetermined to tell him he was right and that I am sorry, and ask him what would help him feel better.
•When he told me something like "I saw her today" I predetermined to tell him that I appreciate him being so open and honest with me.
•When I didn't know where he'd been, I predetermined to be happy to see him and if possible, be intimate with him, as suggested in DB.

I started a notebook just for the situation. It helped immensely.
I'll list here some of the things that I put in it, because they give finer detail about how I handled the situation.

I wrote a "daily list for survival" and did it.
•Pray
•Exercise
•Shower
•Get dressed
•Look nice for when he gets home
•Read the Bible (Psalms in particular)
•Journal
•Tidy the house
•Do the laundry
•Start dinner
•Be completely unbothered
•In every way, be someone he feels safe and happy about coming home to.

I wrote a list of reminders and reminded myself daily:
•My battle is with my own pride, not with him. He's lost right now.
•I can't change a single thought in anyone else's mind--all I can do is show him who I really am and leave it to God.
•My words and actions need to create a good night together. No matter what nastiness he brings. One day at a time will win my family back together.
•As a Christian, my job is to love unconditionally, radically even. Jesus looked at his tormenters as he died and asked God to forgive them. I can do no less if I am determined to live out my faith.

I read a lot about what most husbands desire in a marriage, there are a lot of good books about this.
I put notes from these books in my notebook.
I found the acronym BEST and reminded myself of it often:
Blessing: be a blessing to him, speak well of him, stay silent if that's what is really needed in the situation. Give him approval, encouragement, support, affection, and a peaceful home life. Benefit him, appreciate him, and pray for him. Men are typically very reactionary and he will likely become a blessing to you as well when he sees your behavior.
Edifying: respect, admire, defer to, adore. A man encounters many things daily that tear down his ego. He would love for you to build it back up in any way you can. He likely criticizes himself enough, try to never criticize him. In short treat him the way you would like to be treated.
Sharing: time, interest, activities, ideas, and goals. Listen to him and share his troubles. Care about his interests and goals. Work with him.
Touch: warm and non-sexual touch is very important. Give him a massage, cuddle, hold hands. Men do not get enough of this in general.
These ideas might sound old fashioned or even patriarchal, but in our society we so often want excellent treatment from others without being willing to put such respect forth first. Why not give it a shot and see how your marriage improves?

I wrote a list about who I am, because I realized that in the last 14 years or so I had allowed life and bitterness to dull my shine.
I titled it "Getting Back to the Real Me"
It contains things like: I'm funny, upbeat, loving, and a good mom. I'm very clean and organized, a good listener, I think things through so I'm not quick to be reactionary. I volunteer. I paint. I dance and sing when I'm really happy. I play classic rock REALLY loud. Et cetera.

I wrote a list about who my husband is. I used a personality typing system called the Enneagram to learn more about his personality type and determine what he might need from me that I had not been providing.
A big thing I learned through this is that for my husband's type, he most values strength, decisiveness, and straightforwardness.

Also in my notebook, I copied this list from somewhere on the divorce busting forum and rewrote it in order to try and commit it to memory as well as adding a few of my own comments:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help or backup from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You". It only reminds your spouse that something is wrong and makes them feel pressured.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. Be HAPPY AND CONTENT.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse- get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. If you never had time to listen before, be curious about their day and listen carefully when they speak.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold- just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
20. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
21. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
22. Never lose your cool.
23. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
24. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
25. Be patient
26. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
27. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
28. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not my in turmoil).
29. Be strong and confident.
30. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
31. Do not be openly desperate or needy. Yes, you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. But that is temporary and not the real you.
32. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
33. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. Alternately, they are pushing at you to get a reaction that will help them justify their ugly choices. Do not take bait.
34. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
35. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
36. NO CONVINCING! The more you try to tell someone their feelings, the less they believe you.
37. Determine what they are probably getting from another relationship and try to give that to them in a calm and detached way. Hint: it's usually acceptance just as they are, despite their flaws and mistakes. If you were picking at them, knock it off. A time will come when you can discuss your hurts with them.
38. Don't focus on the end result right now. Accomplish small goals.
39. This is about really changing your behavior, not fooling them into staying.
40. Assuming anything serves no purpose.
41. If they are fighting with you at all, they are conflicted and feeling guilty. Get away from the fight as if your life depends on it. You cannot argue your love back to you, they are trying to get a reaction to justify what they're doing. Walk away and let them sit in their guilt.
42. Don't spend too much time alone. Your brain will fixate on the pain.
43. Do and say the unexpected. Be fun.

I made a list of his complaints about me.
He volunteered a lot of good information on this topic, in his efforts to justify a divorce. You have to know your spouse and weed through what they're saying for the truth, they are going to be hurt (and exaggerating somewhat) because of the situation.
I will write out my list here, I should probably be embarrassed by my failings, but I want anyone struggling to know exactly how open and honest they should be with themselves:
I always expected him to change first
I rejected him sexually just because I was too busy or feeling down about my looks. (Too busy to make time for the needs of the person I love most in this world? Yikes.)
I was quick to blame him for problems instead of finding solutions
Critical
Disapproving!
Judgmental
Unsupportive
Indirect and slow to communicate my needs (when I new full well that he just needed it spelled out for him clearly. He is not a mind reader.)
Unforgiving/bitter
Jumping to conclusions
Too quick to vent feelings to friends instead of him. (This made him feel as if I thought he couldn't handle it where I to bring problems to him directly.)
Controlling
Less than helpful--as in, I'd ask him to do a project for the house but never volunteer to do it together (or if it's a task I physically couldn't do, at least spend the time with him and encouraging him.) Now I'm not lazy, I would be doing other work while he worked, but he needed to feel more prioritized.
Not discussing decisions with him first
When he brought up a problem, I did not always take accountability right away. I would argue instead of listen when he really needed me to listen.
Complaining
Trying to do things on my own instead of asking for his help. He wants to help, to feel valuable, needed and appreciated.
Impatient when he made mistakes

On the opposite page, I made a list of how I can improve on these negative behaviors.
Combined with this, I also googled what respectful behavior looks like. My brain was such a muddle, that I trusted a list from the Internet more than my own ideas. But I knew I'd allowed the years and the bitterness to make me disregard my husband in a lot of ways, and I needed to begin treating him with compassion and respect again, even if we were only moving forward as co-parents, because after all he is a fellow human being. The list turned out to be pretty solid.
**** I encourage you to Google what respecting your husband or wife should look like for yourself. I only wrote down the things that I knew applied to my behavior, but the list I found was extensive and may contain things that you should look at it within your own behavior.****
And then I implemented that list as much as humanly possible, but NOT just because I wanted to keep my family intact.
It's also because I needed for myself to be a better human being to all. If I can see my nasty behavior and continue in it, what kind of person am I?
I knew I would die with deep regrets had I not changed, or rather, not changed BACK to who I really have been all along, a kind and loving person who got a little warped along the way by life.
I'll give some examples, but essentially this list was just the reverse of the negative list:
Stop what you're doing and look at him when he speaks so he feels like he's important to you.
Smile at him.
Encourage him
Say yes to him when you can
Avoid criticism especially in front of others
Defend him if others speak ill of him. (Doesn't everyone want this?)
Keep him company while he does things that he's interested in
Make time, your other things can wait. Memories with the ones you love can't.
Try to tell him things in a factual way, men's brains tend to appreciate that.
Take care of his needs as much as you can. (Again, this may sound patriarchal, but it truly isn't. Giving a gift to your spouse in meeting their needs is so rewarding. For me, I actually enjoy being a professional artist part time and using the rest of my time to be a good homemaker. So it's easy for me to have a welcoming home and a good meal on the way when my husband comes home, cold and exhausted. It may be very difficult for you to do the same, but I bet there are other needs you can meet that would help your spouse feel like a million bucks.)

I also wrote a list of goals as suggested in divorce busting.
Remember to keep your goals small and look for tiny improvements as you consistently show your changes through your actions.
Mine started with tiny things like "he will initiate physical contact in a non-sexual way"
And worked up to things like, "he will not feel the need to lock his phone" and "he will ask me on dates" and "he will apologize and make right what he's doing."
As of the end of June, all 25 goals were met.


H 41 W 36
D16 S15--my stepchildren
D11--biological
M 6, T 13
Bomb/EA 1/19/23
Separated but living together
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Hello R

What a fantastic update!

I really love the summary and depth of it all.

Originally Posted by Rejoice
Anyone know who to contact, to put this on the success stories thread?

I will look into it.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Awesome D. I really appreciate it.

Thank you for all of your input this year. Everyone's input really made me stop, think, and consider my actions carefully, which I needed to do.

Hopefully my story helps someone!


H 41 W 36
D16 S15--my stepchildren
D11--biological
M 6, T 13
Bomb/EA 1/19/23
Separated but living together
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I’m sure your story will help many folks.

Rejoice, you did the inner work, asked those tough questions of self, and discovered you. That’s always a success!

Your journey encompasses many DBing principles. However, one principle springs to mind rather quickly: Do more of what works, and less of what doesn’t. A simple and yet often overlooked truth, which you kept sight of. In the upcoming months and years continue to keep that in mind.

Be patient, rebuilding/piecing is difficult, and so worth it. Keep doing what works.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Good Morning R

Your story is posted on the Another Divorce Busted! forum.

Rejoice’s Story

Have a great day.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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This is wonderful Rejoice and I am so happy for your success In you and also in your relationship.
Your post is so true on so many levels. While my story started the same time it’s a little behind on yours with my MlC spouse however it is so true we just have to keep dusting ourselves off and trying again and doing more of what works. The two real keys are dropping that rope detaching and turning the focus on ourselves.
I love your daily survival I have something similar. It’s always one day at a time, never look further than tomorrow. It really is a roller coaster of a ride
Well done for surviving it and walking out of the whole experience a better person. That’s what it’s all about, our inner strength our inner reflection and growth


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Thank you, Rejoice, for sharing this level of detail. In addition to being inspiring, there are so many practical and helpful tips that you applied. I admire the stamina you need to have to stick with it. As DNJ says, now don't lose your hard-won progress nor fall back into old patterns. You've got the foundation for a new and better relationship than the old. I wish you continued success, love, and happiness.

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