My faith has been my rock. When I've slipped up it's 100% of the time when I've taken my eyes off of God. For any believers out there reading this, put your trust in God. Know that He will get you through no matter what happens. Literally the day that I was finally able to let go of my fear and tell God that I trust Him no matter what, my H turned a corner in his attitude toward me. I pray all the time, every day, and when my prayers focus on the goodness of God, and blessing those who hurt me, rather than my own circumstances, it seems that everything else falls in line. When my prayers focus on myself and my sadness, things go poorly between H and myself. I have peace about my decision to not only stay, but treat my H with compassion and affection despite what he's doing to me, ONLY because God has been good enough to show me that that's the path I'm supposed to be on multiple times. If for no other reason than to have zero regrets when this is over.
Amen.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Rejoice, 180s are part of DBing. However, you should not use 180s as an excuse for breaking other DB principles. For instance, if you were already good at GAL before BD that doesn't mean you should 180 on GAL after BD. That doesn't even make logical sense.
So when there is a principle to not share a bed with a cheating spouse you don't 180 on that.
Also, affection is not part of DBing. The analogy I like to use is car maintenance. Marriages are like cars, if you do the routine maintenance the car will run smoothly. So to keep the marriage running smoothly you need to do the maintenance: affection, date nights, sex, doing things together. However, if you skip routine maintenance and have a major breakdown, routine maintenance won't fix it. If you skip oil changes and your car's engine blows, changing the oil will be futile. Trying to be affectionate with a WAS after BD because you failed to be before will also be futile.
Your best chance at saving your marriage is to properly DBing. That's why I wanted you to read Kitcat's threads because she tried to go your way with a cheating husband and ended up with sleeping with him while he was living with (and sleeping with) the OW. So he got his cake and ate it too! Your husband will likely never return to the marriage if he gets all the benefits of a wife from you while engaging with someone else. In fact, you are essentially rewarding him for cheating on you by becoming an awesome wife.
Never reward a cheating spouse. Unless you essentially want to end up being the OW (again read Kitcat's threads).
And you claim it is working, but is it? After your long previous response you came back with an update about a blow up with him. DBing half way never works.
I'm with you related to trusting in God. I'm extremely religious, in fact, that made me pretty unpopular on this site. However, trusting in God as a wife does not include putting up with adultery. I hope you understand that God's plan for marriage does not include one spouse allowing, almost condoning their spouse being intimate with someone else. In fact, if you think about that, that's pretty much the definition of an open marriage. And open marriages were never part of God's plan.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Last night, H sat me down and told me that he spoke to the OW and told her that it's in everyone's best interest that they no longer speak to one another.
He was not willing to discuss anything beyond that yet.
I reacted calmly and simply asked if he was ok, as he seemed to be having a hard time with it. I'm guessing he expected me to be excited but I played it very cool. I'm waiting patiently until he has the bandwidth to tell me more, because I certainly have a lot to say about what the future of our marriage looks like when he's ready to hear it.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
You did well to keep your enthusiasm dialled down to zero.
Please be aware that 95% of the time when waywards say something like this, within a week they’re back with AP or onto their next one. It’s imperative you understand to align your expectations accordingly.
Well done. Continue to remain be calm and moving forward.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
H sat me down and told me that he spoke to the OW and told her that it's in everyone's best interest that they no longer speak to one another.
That is a good step. However, that is not H stating he wants to be in a committed relationship with you.
Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.
H did likely speak with OW. Yet, his language leaves plenty of wiggle room. He only said it is in everyone’s best interests. He didn’t firmly end it. Not yet anyhow.
As his emotions sort and settle, his language will alter as well. His current path and decisions, are emotionally driven. Rational and clear minded takes a while. All of which is reflected in his actions. Hence, believe only half of what they do. Consistent demonstrated behaviour.
H likely has the intentions. Need to let him show just how strong is his spirit. Does he have the fortitude to really end things.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
I'm waiting patiently until he has the bandwidth to tell me more, because I certainly have a lot to say about what the future of our marriage looks like when he's ready to hear it.
It will be some time before H will be ready for a discussion about the future look of your marriage. Dig for patience and keep living for you. And keep doing what works.
Hoping you have a wonderful Sunday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Rejoice, I see you struggle with "waiting" and "patience".
DBing is about moving yourself forward, not just sitting and hoping he throws you a bone. And GAL activities planned? How are your self improvements coming? Are you working on becoming the best version of yourself? Those two things are the best ways to work towards detachment.
I agree with you, it is unfair. However, when life is unfair, during back and waiting for life to get fair rarely works. Being someone's Plan B is not a fun place to be. Double down on moving your own life forward. He'll keep you stuck where you are for as long as you allow him too.
One last thing. I mention your self improvements above. The biggest self improvement I can see is too stand up for yourself and refuse to be held captive by someone that is also involved with someone else! (NOTE: You do that through action. Not words!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A week or so after my last post, my H "woke up" and told me he saw all my changes, that he loved me and never wanted anyone else, and that he wanted to stay together and get some counseling for himself. He apologized profusely for everything he had put me through, and blocked the woman he was talking to on every platform. He hands over his phone, now, without question anytime I'm feeling insecure.
Then a couple weeks after that turnaround, my amazing, wonderful, solid rock of a father passed away unexpectedly. So, you understand why I've not been active. I'm still reeling from that but my H has been my lifeline through this horrible time and we are stronger and happier with each other than I could have ever have imagined despite the circumstances.
I will post in more detail later and I hope it can go on the success stories thread as I feel that's where this belongs.
Thank you all for your advice and support.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
