Starting my second thread. Didn't realize the other got so long.
To recap the last few days, H told me he wants to work it out. I asked if that meant he was done with his affair. He stated he was very torn and confused and while he knew the affair was wrong, he cares for her. He thinks it would be great to work things out with me, because we have a lot of good together, but he is afraid my changes are only temporary.
I reacted to all of this calmly, suggested we give each other a trial period but said that I didn't want the OW in the picture to mess up the trial. I also suggested he call the OW and let her know he was considering getting back together with me. I told him it was only fair, and frankly, part of me wondered how she might react to that.
So he called her last night and told her. When I got home fairly late at night I asked about it and he seemed upset. He said he would rather not talk about it right then. I take it she didn't take the news well.
I imagine he will tell me the results of that sometime today or tomorrow.
In regards to specific changes, I hope this encourages someone:
I could give a list of 1000 things I'm doing differently but I think it's best to describe it as one thing: a particular shift in perspective.
I simply decided that although my pain is true, although the betrayal is wrong, although I've been a good mom and wife all along, although the bitterness I was carrying around from the past could be justified to anyone who cared to listen... The highest truth is always love, and grace. So I made a conscious decision to live out the love I have for everyone around me and drop any right to be angry at the foot of the Cross.
I felt like the Grinch, whose heart grew three sizes that day. Every change I've made has been from that decision. I've looked for the ways my family needs to be loved the most and I've done those things. I've been able to apologize instead of hold on to pride. I've taken care of my cheating H while he's sick and told a child who stabbed me in the back with her words that my love for her counts for way more than anything she'll ever do wrong. I'm no longer bitter or critical.
Viewing life through the lens of how best I can love everyone in each moment freed me of all the behaviors that drove my H away to begin with. I just shifted the focus off of myself. And it feels like freedom, peace, and joy.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
Remember, believe nothing he says. And only half of what he does.
This is still too early on in your situation to put any significance to anything he says or does. You'll have to give it a lot more time to make sure he is consistent.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm still waiting on this "decision" that H is supposedly making.
We had a great time together over the weekend. We spent 3 full days together, working on projects and hanging out, lots of laughter and some frank discussion. In the past spending that amount of time together would have resulted in multiple fights.
H is aware that unless we're going to try for a real marriage without OW in the picture, that I'm going to move on. For now, in this limbo, we are friends. The waiting is extremely difficult for me, but I'm not about to pursue him or push him. He has to want me.
This is probably the most painful thing I've ever gone through and I've lived through some really painful things. Ugh.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
