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Ginger1 Offline OP
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She’s doing much better , thanks for asking. Dave and busters with her friend tonight instead of the ER!

BL, you are welcome to join me, since I’ll be sitting at the bar alone .

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great news!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Dave and busters was a bust, we went too early and it was all little kids so they wanted to leave. It’s attached to the mall so that’s what they did. Apparently some kid asked my daughter for her snap. She was online for a pretzel and didn’t even realize what happened. Apparently, that is the equivalent of asking for the digits. Props to the boy who went for it! My daughter will be 15 this year, never had a boyfriend, no first kiss, none of that. The pickins are definitely slim in her school .she is not boy crazy at all, I do encourage her to talk to the opposite sex. The boy that is her friend is transgender, lol. He’s such a nice smart kid and helps my D all the time with honors geometry. He also steals her phone and texts me .

It turns out her sweet 16 is practically a party for ex’s side of the family. He’s inviting like 20 people ! She’s inviting 17. I’m inviting maybe 7. And of course we are splitting it down the middle . Whatever. Sometimes I get down that it’s another event I don’t have “my person” by my side and I fly solo. I’m used to it for sure, considering I have never had a significant other for such events. But it would be nice to have my support person.

Work was really tough last week. It’s my first time doing performance evals and it’s for 27 people. I was cramming them. It was a nice opportunity to meet with them 1 on 1. But I was literally working 10 hour days and working even when I got home. I got my performance evaluation, which was as expected because I’m new to the position. It’s raise worthy yes, but in 4 months, naturally I have room to improve. She did tell me I’m doing great, gave me positive feedback and areas she would like to see me grow. Fair enough.

I am actually struggling a little bit there. It has to do with my counterpart and probably my own insecurities. We get along just fine, but her personality grates me . She has followed my boss everywhere for years. They know eachother well. I got the first position she got the second one when it became available. She always has something to prove. She loud, she’s very extra, she talks over everyone, she needs to have her story heard ALL THE TIME. If you say something about someone else or something else, it becomes about her every single time. Even when we discuss patients! I have personality for sure, but I am a listener. I’m very chill as well. Certain employees have gravitated towards her because of how extra over the top she is and she is a personality in your face. Others have gravitated towards me because she is too much, probably.
She gets stressed easily though, I do not.

I feel like I have to be more like her because she is just so in your face. It’s pretty fake to me, because I can see through that. But yes, it’s the first time I feel kind of “threatened” and I don’t like it.

I also miss my former office mate so much. I trusted her so much, I loved spending time with her. We listened to eachother, we felt comfortable with eachother. This one, I just don’t even want to share with her. One time I did and one sentence in, it became a story about her . I’m done with that.

That’s my journal for the week. I’m feeling a little off. Maybe disconnected from people. I took next Tuesday off to have a spa day with my bestie. . I feel like myself around her. Truth is, I don’t feel safe being myself around many people.

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Good Morning Ginger

Originally Posted by Ginger1
…in 4 months, naturally I have room to improve. She did tell me I’m doing great, gave me positive feedback and areas she would like to see me grow. Fair enough.

I am actually struggling a little bit there. It has to do with my counterpart and probably my own insecurities. We get along just fine, but her personality grates me . She has followed my boss everywhere for years. They know eachother well. I got the first position she got the second one when it became available. She always has something to prove. She loud, she’s very extra, she talks over everyone, she needs to have her story heard ALL THE TIME. If you say something about someone else or something else, it becomes about her every single time. Even when we discuss patients!.

Your counterpart will not be the cause of your struggles or your successes. You succeed because of you.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I also miss my former office mate so much. I trusted her so much, I loved spending time with her.

I believe you had a promotion to a more supervisory/authority role. With that, comes a different relationship with your coworkers and staff.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Certain employees have gravitated towards her because of how extra over the top she is and she is a personality in your face. Others have gravitated towards me because she is too much, probably.

Guesswork on why and what motivates your staff.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I feel like I have to be more like her because she is just so in your face. … I feel kind of “threatened” and I don’t like it.

A response to feeling threatened.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
It’s my first time doing performance evals and it’s for 27 people.

Wow, that is a lot of evaluations! Long hours indeed.


Some advice/encouragement.

G, being in charge is not about being the boss. It’s about caring for those in your charge.

Why do some folks gravitate towards your counter part? Why some towards you? Why do you feel threatened?

When doing evaluations of my staff, after the competencies and skills assessment part and we were into the final discussion/dialog, I always asked them “What can I do, more of or less of, to help you be more successful?”.

The first time around they were shocked. A boss actually wanting feedback. Actually willing to listen. That first time, of course, very few answers. The next round, everyone had a thoughtful answer ready. And every subsequent evaluation we discuss how “we”, them and I, can become more successful.

Following through with those discussed and agreed upon actions will most assuredly have folks gravitate towards you. I had such a loyal bunch of coworkers and staff. And that doesn’t come from being “so in your face”. It also transforms one from “boss” into “leader”.

The formal 1 on 1 evaluation is one thing. Everyday you live/display that caring about those in your charge. Team leader. And leading happens from the back. The rear, where those that are lagging behind and struggling are. It’s less “follow me”; and more “that’s where we need to be” and inspiring/motivating the entire team to get there.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I am a listener. I’m very chill as well.

Excellent traits for a leader.

You’re not an imposter. Just experiencing the steepness of the learning curve. You totally belong in the role. Embrace it and make it your’s.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Thanks for the feedback, Dnj. Yes, any failures or successes I have will be because of me and no one else. This I know. And she is not responsible for how I feel. I am.

I am in a management position now, yes. At a different hospital in my system. Some days I ask myself if I made the right choice. My 8 hours a day at work are very important to me. It’s a big part of my life. And I had it good sharing my space with someone I just really got along with, not to even mention how friendly I was with the rest of the staff, especially on the unit and in other departments. It made my day that much better. Leaving my job that I actually really liked and felt like home was not an easy decision to come by. That being I said, I do like my new job. I am growing in it. I’m learning how to be a good leader. I am trusted.

The honest truth is we are very different personalities, me and the other manager. And can easily share space with most people. But 40 hours a week with her literally drains me. I stay quiet, because I can’t stand getting spoken over every time I say something. She’s too much for me, quite honestly. we had a coworker like that at my other job. Very nice woman, but it literally drains you to be in an office with her all day. She floated so it didn’t happen that often, but everyone talks about it. It’s ALOT.

I’ll just really have to find ways to deal with it. I hope now that these performance reviews will be done tomorrow and we are right -staffed for a bit, I can take more times to see my peeps on their units rather than being in my office. It’s also an adjustment being in the office all day for me. I had one on my unit at my other job, but I was in patient rooms, at the nurses station, etc. I do miss it. And this upcoming weekend after a months break, I will be at my old job Sunday. And I like going there and just being one of the staff case managers. Not the boss. It’s a welcomed break, quite honestly

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m learning how to be a good leader. I am trusted.

The honest truth is we are very different personalities, me and the other manager. And can easily share space with most people. But 40 hours a week with her literally drains me. I stay quiet, because I can’t stand getting spoken over every time I say something. She’s too much for me, quite honestly. we had a coworker like that at my other job. Very nice woman, but it literally drains you to be in an office with her all day. She floated so it didn’t happen that often, but everyone talks about it. It’s ALOT.

I’ll just really have to find ways to deal with it. I hope now that these performance reviews will be done tomorrow and we are right -staffed for a bit, I can take more times to see my peeps on their units rather than being in my office. It’s also an adjustment being in the office all day for me. I had one on my unit at my other job, but I was in patient rooms, at the nurses station, etc. I do miss it. And this upcoming weekend after a months break, I will be at my old job Sunday. And I like going there and just being one of the staff case managers. Not the boss. It’s a welcomed break, quite honestly
She sounds like a control freak that has zero respect for people. Anytime someone finishes your sentence or doesnt allow you to finish what you have to say, is a person with no respect. Zero.


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My big news:

I finally hit the bullet and asked my ex to revisit child support. He wasn’t too shocked , but he did cry poverty. He’s really sucked dry every month paying for that stupid hotel timeshare they bought. Which has brought them to Italy, San Diego, Hawaii, and myrtle beach every year. 🙄 feel so bad. And she came into the marriage with student loan debt she is still laying off. Boooooohooooooo

But I was nice. I told him we can either work something out between us, or we can formally go through the courts. He said he is going to think on it.

I really only want money for the what my D needs. I explained that we don’t shop at children’s place anymore. Sneakers cost $100 she has a little
But if a social life. I told him she never asks you for this stuff and only me, and I want to be able to stop saying “ask your father” I say no to her often. But there are basic needs that I always fulfill that are just so expensive now.

I’m proud I finally did it. Trust me, I hate asking. I feel inadequate. I work a career and some extra, but being the only contributor to the house hold kills me. 2 of my incomes? That would be a whole different story .

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
My big news:

I finally hit the bullet and asked my ex to revisit child support.
YES!!! Well done. So glad to hear it. Reading this literally put a smile on my face.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
He wasn’t too shocked , but he did cry poverty. He’s really sucked dry every month paying for that stupid hotel timeshare they bought. Which has brought them to Italy, San Diego, Hawaii, and myrtle beach every year. 🙄 feel so bad.
Yeah...life's tough. Poor guy.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
And she came into the marriage with student loan debt she is still laying off. Boooooohooooooo
His AFFAIR PARTNER had student loan debt. Too bad so sad. I'm sure you know this, but it has ZERO legal impact on his child support obligations.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I told him we can either work something out between us, or we can formally go through the courts. He said he is going to think on it.
I strongly advise you to A) run the numbers yourself an online calculator (inputs: your income, his income, your custody arrangement) and B) consult a L...or two! It's so important to have a firm understanding of what he should paying in support so that when he almost assuredly comes back to you with a low ball offer you can counter with something realistic. And trust me, a court magistrate or judge is NOT going to be sympathetic to him. You almost certainly have leverage.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m proud I finally did it.
You should be proud of yourself! I could tell something was holding you back...way to take a stand.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Trust me, I hate asking. I feel inadequate. I work a career and some extra, but being the only contributor to the house hold kills me.
Remember, this is not for you...it's for your daughter. You just did her a favor.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
2 of my incomes? That would be a whole different story.
Right...like the deal you signed up for...which he bailed on.

Well done Ginger! Way to stand up for yourself and your daughter!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I’m glad I made you smile, BL!

There was a lot of eye rolling from me in that conversation. I validated, but I’m not feeling his pain. These were decisions HE made. He did say to me “you know if we do this through the courts, you have to disclose your salary?”

well, no sh!t Sherlock ! I’m looking to rob him. And my salary also includes my second job, which hurts me a bit, but I don’t have much of a choice:

I just want what is fair and current. NJ is a simple formula. I just want what’s fair and for our kid .

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I am very proud of you. The ball is in his court and if he doesn't respond back to you within a reasonable time, then I would move forward and take this issue to court.

I do not feel sorry for him. Even though he is paying for a timeshare, he is still able to fly off to these places and do all of those fun things and they do cost money. As for his current wife's student loans, that is on her and she brought that into the marriage. I'm sure he was well aware of that.

This is all about your daughter and her needs. Time for him to cough up additional funds. She is no longer 2 and you can buy her off going to Walmart for her necessities. She's older and requires more expensive clothes, etc.

I do not feel sorry for him one bit and to toss out that comment about you having to disclose your salary. Next time he says that, tell the man that you have no problem sharing your information with the magistrate.

Good for you! Don't let this slide...time for him to grow up and face his parental responsibilities.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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