WW Help (3)

[FwdMvmnt]

Thanks BL, DnJ, bttrfly and DW,
I’m out of town on work last two days. Always find it easier to disconnect when away. I am continuing to read and listen to audible non stop. Just finished CoDependent No More, was awesome. Will definitely listen again while out traveling my markets. Just started listening to Love must be Tough. Have finished a couple books as well. I definitely have a good start on my plan for the year to continue to better myself. Like I mentioned I have been struggling a little more with detaching from W, she has been coming downstairs at night to watch TV, hugging and kissing as well as dropping a few ILY. I do not take them as anything just causes confusion in me. I know she is starting to work steps in both of her programs, which gives me hope for her. She has also gotten a little more engaged with S6. I do want the best for her. As for our marriage I am standing for it, but not holding onto Hope. I think God is really trying to show me that I need to learn patience. I give it to him each day and pray for a path to be shown. This weekend we are taking S6 to a show (we bought the tickets before BD) doing an overnight with him. I am torn for him because I know this marriage will most likely not end well and worry about him through all of this. Our 23rd anniversary is coming up at the end of the month as well, so curious as to how I’m going to feel around that time. Anyway, I just needed to get a few things out and appreciate everyone on here.

Bttrfly I read Callis threads, thank you for the recommendations. He demonstrated some great characteristics and I took a lot away from it. Also made me think about my own Sitch and timelines around how ling I want to stand. I see a lot of myself in him. I want to stand for this marriage, this situation is not a good example for my children. I want to stand for this marriage and would like to see what happens after she gets through some of the steps in her programs. I also know that I am going to be fine whether she leaves, or not. Either way I’m going to be a better man and always there for my kids. I’ll know I have all I had on my side by finding, growing and strengthening myself.

Sorry for the ramblings lol, I hate using phone for this

[Rockon]

No need to apologize and I don’t find it to be rambling but really coherent, meaningful processing FM. So impressed with your focus and integrity!

[BL42]

FwdMvmnt,

Just started listening to Love must be Tough.

This is a fantastic book for you considering your situation IMO.

Like I mentioned I have been struggling a little more with detaching from W, she has been coming downstairs at night to watch TV, hugging and kissing as well as dropping a few ILY. I do not take them as anything just causes confusion in me.

She's still engaging with OM(s), correct? If so you might not want to accept that behavior.

I know she is starting to work steps in both of her programs, which gives me hope for her.

Good.

She has also gotten a little more engaged with S6.

Good.

As for our marriage I am standing for it, but not holding onto Hope. I think God is really trying to show me that I need to learn patience. I give it to him each day and pray for a path to be shown.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

I am torn for him because I know this marriage will most likely not end well and worry about him through all of this.

See above.

[bttrfly]

You cannot do anything about his relationship with his mother, and maybe you can't stop the marriage from ending.

What you can do is be the lighthouse for your son. Be his foundation. Be his safe place, no matter what.

Is it better for him to grow up in a family with a mother who regularly loses her $h!t and tosses things into a fire as she rages around?

Be the best father you can be. Pray about it. Give it to God. Trust and wait for his answers.

[FwdMvmnt]

Thank your for your posts Rock, BL and Btt!

Rock,
Integrity is all we have, the basis of a new me as I grow forward. I slip up here and there looking at her location or texts strands, which I think is weak behavior, and only cause me anxiety, but getting better.

BL,
I do believe she has been talking with them, but not sure as to the extent. I know she is working her steps in the SA program, but with not engaging in that process with her I have no clue on her sobriety dates or anything else. I have been saying serenity pray and the 3rd and 7th step prayers non stop. I also do a guidance meditation each morning and started a nighttime Lexio Divina with the Hallow app at night.

Btt,
Love the lighthouse line. This is my goal to be there for S6 and all my kids, as well as her if she gets her sh!t together. I will not fail myself or my kids.

I’ll post an update in another thread.

[FwdMvmnt]

Hey all!
It's been awhile since my last post, and I wanted to post some updates and thoughts. We took S6 on a trip over the weekend to one of his favorite YouTube shows and he had an absolute blast. The trip was a success overall and glad that S6 enjoyed it. He loved the show, the Hotel Suite and the Room Service
While in the car there was some relationship talk, things between W and I have been pretty amicable of late, but of course it was the same talk. She wants a divorce and will be moving out when she gets enough money to do so. Her mood has been pretty good lately and she does seem to be working her programs more, which is a great thing if she sticks to it. On Sunday night I get a text from her that says

"I've been thinking during this meeting that I want to get further along in my steps before I pull the trigger on this thing."
I ask her what she means and she says "The Divorce" I replied that I didn't know how to answer that and need to think about it, would get back to her.

The next day I asked her to clarify what she meant before I could respond to her. She said I still think we need to live separate, but not sure on a divorce. I said that really doesn't change anything for me. I think it's due to the fact when we were talking in the car she mentioned we had to be separate for a year due to us having minor children. I corrected her and said we live in an at Fault state and that could most likely get that period waived if filed. Either way going to keep moving forward.

I continue to read as often as possible. 6 books down so far this year, working on one called Fathered by God and also The Lost Art of Listening. I am continuing to work my program in Al anon, almost completed with 8th step list. I also have continued to do Krav Maga, daily exercises, and getting out on my Harley as often as possible. I am determined to continue to better myself. I am standing for the marriage, but will be great either way.

[bttrfly]

My response would have been that this is something she needs to talk to her sponsor about, not me.

Is she really trying to use you as a sounding board for whether or not or when to divorce you, because that's how I read what you posted.

[DnJ]

Good Morning F

Glad son had a great weekend. A nice hotel suite and room service is pretty special to a six year old. (I still find that stuff pretty special too, at 55. Lol.)

While in the car there was some relationship talk, things between W and I have been pretty amicable of late, but of course it was the same talk. She wants a divorce and will be moving out when she gets enough money to do so.

How long was the car ride? I’m inferring significant time, since weekend trip and hotel and such. So yes, it is likely this topic would’ve come up. Did she wait until son was sleeping or occupied in a movie or something?

Her mood has been pretty good lately and she does seem to be working her programs more, which is a great thing if she sticks to it. On Sunday night I get a text from her that says

"I've been thinking during this meeting that I want to get further along in my steps before I pull the trigger on this thing."

Such meetings are to elicit self reflection and accountability. Nice to see her delaying and maybe having some second thoughts. Or third, or forth, or fiftieth thoughts. She’s flip flopping about.

I ask her what she means and she says "The Divorce" I replied that I didn't know how to answer that and need to think about it, would get back to her.

Good asking her to clarify “this thing”. Having her say aloud divorce, injects reality into her fantasy. Let her own her divorce. Which she is not as sure about, by the looks of things.

The next day I asked her to clarify what she meant before I could respond to her. She said I still think we need to live separate, but not sure on a divorce.

Interesting. She will drop plenty of clues of where she is and what she’s feeling, when you just listen.

I said that really doesn't change anything for me.

True. Separating for a year doesn’t change anything for you. But why did you tell her?

She will drop plenty of clues of where she is and what she’s feeling, when you just listen.

I think it's due to the fact when we were talking in the car she mentioned we had to be separate for a year due to us having minor children. I corrected her and said we live in an at Fault state and that could most likely get that period waived if filed. Either way going to keep moving forward.

Again, true. You are correct. You’ve done your homework regarding divorce and your potential risks and splitting of marital assets and custody. But why did you tell her?

She will drop plenty of clues of where she is and what she’s feeling, when you just listen.

Each time you told her of what you were thinking. Or corrected her. That stops her dead in her tracks, and likely reinforces her feelings of not being heard. Just listen and agree with / validate what she is saying. It’s not lying or going along with. Just listening is all. Letting her spill.

Her misunderstanding of your at fault state and no mandatory one year cool down had her pausing. Her easy-peasy divorce had come off the tracks a bit, and you put it back on. Let her fail, let her derail. A big part of her path, is her growth. And that’s without your involvement.

Remember her path/pain has very little to do with you. When she is telling you things, she doesn’t really want to hear about your stuff or views. She is trying to work her own stuff out. She doesn’t have the bandwidth for you (or anyone else) at the moment.

A truth dart here and there can be useful. However, as best you can, remain silent. Do not place her back on the rails. Do not correct her on misunderstood legal processes. And definitely, do not correct her regarding her feelings. Listen and - if/when you can - respond with prompting or follow up questions/conversation.

It’s a thin line sometimes - no R talks. Letting her talk is different. Usually LBS are too hurt and attached to just listen and gather information. And their ego get involved and the conversation gets confrontational. If she wants to talk, especially with IHS and actually questioning divorce (not attacking you), let her. It likely won’t happen that often. And don’t tip your hand about what you know.

I am determined to continue to better myself. I am standing for the marriage, but will be great either way.

Good. It’s a path you were thrust upon, and yet, a golden opportunity. Continue to make the most of it.

D

[FwdMvmnt]

Btt,
Im really not sure what she is attempting through this. As far as I know she doesn’t want the marriage, is not in Love with me. I’m curious to see how it plays out. She is working now PT and is enjoying it. She seems to be working on her programs which is great and going to both AA and SA meeting, which is also a plus. She quit going to SA for a couple months. She is also still doing IC 2x a week. The next month will be curious. My plan is no matter what to keep on moving forward, GAL, and detaching as much as possible. I’ll keep up with updates.

[FwdMvmnt]

D,
He was stoked, I travel for work, but still love suites and room service too lol. I was really excited he enjoyed himself. The car ride was 5 hours each way. Yes S was on iPad with headphones on. We have been really good to not talk around him the last few weeks. I can totally see where I could have responded differently or not at all. So true to just listen and gather. I will continue to practice my listening skills. It’s been really easy to just listen during her nightly recaps of her day. Something seems different this week, but not putting to much into it, knowing can change at anytime. Will just keep doing what I’m doing. Thanks for the response!