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DW17 #2942806 01/25/23 05:47 PM
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DW,

“ Despite all of this, a big part of me would love to be the one to help her through it. I have faults that contributed to this situation. But I also know that her upbringing, which she did not get to choose, is something that will cause her problems for the rest of her life. I feel like I know her better than anyone else ever will and that I would be able to help her overcome these issues. I also know that she fired me from that job.”

Does she know this and feel this? Have you shown/communicated and been consistent in your own work to be her husband? I know she fired you. I’m on that same page in my sitch. I don’t have the answers for saving my marriage let alone yours. So these are somewhat rhetorical questions for my own process.

Panel of esteemed vets and newbies. Your thoughts? And I like the idea of early timely negotiating.


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Originally Posted by Rockon
I don’t have the answers for saving my marriage let alone yours.
How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it.

Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes your w and her boyfriend together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your wife back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.

Originally Posted by Rockon
Have you shown/communicated and been consistent in your own work to be her husband?
Is there any chance that you will then feel you didn't express yourself clearly enough, and need to prove your love to her?

I guess what I'm asking is "where is the finish line?" At what point do you feel you will trust that she fully understands how you feel and still chooses not to reconcile?

I hate to ask you that question, but I also don't want to see you forever stuck.

If you pour your heart out and nothing changes, what comes next?

There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your wife back.

I'm sorry.

BL42 #2942810 01/25/23 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by BL42
R2C do you respond like that to ExW? Wonder if you practice on her just to make her wonder what she threw away.
Short answer is we do not interact. I have been in a committed relationship for 12+ years. I believe it would be disrespectful to my lady.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
DW17 #2942816 01/25/23 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Rockon
Does she know this and feel this? Have you shown/communicated and been consistent in your own work to be her husband? I know she fired you. I’m on that same page in my sitch. I don’t have the answers for saving my marriage let alone yours. So these are somewhat rhetorical questions for my own process.
I think if she felt that I was the one to help her, we’d be working on our relationship right now rather than being on the verge of D. I accept my role in her feeling that way, but I understand there is a lot more to it that I am not responsible for and cannot control.

Early on I explained my thoughts and feelings. I did not continue to reiterate them because she already knew how I felt. That was advice I received here. She hasn’t once asked how I feel about things and she has surrounded herself with people who won’t question her feelings. There is no amount of talking I can do at this time to make her question them herself.

I was not always consistent in my work as a husband throughout our marriage, but my guess is that’s why a lot of us are here. However, it takes two people for a marriage to dissolve and two to put it back together. I can only control one side of that. I have been consistent in my role as a parent and I have been consistent in working to better myself. This has helped me move toward the man I want to be.


M:39 W:39
T:22 M:18
S:19 D:18 D:5
BD:7/2022
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DW17 #2942820 01/25/23 09:03 PM
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This makes a lot of sense and is how I see my sitch as well. I don’t believe there is more for me to say or convince. Done


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
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DW17 #2942824 01/25/23 10:05 PM
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Quote
She does not take accountability for her faults and likely never will. She does not love herself. I do not trust her to ever put in the work required for self-improvement.

This is the most accurate statement you’ll ever find on this website.

All of us who arrive here share the same pathology.

We are committed to our relationship, we are prepared to fix, improve, practice, reset and work on ourselves and our relationship.

Our partners are not. Either because of an affair, or MLC, or trauma or any other reason.

So we have a dynamic where one person is in, and one person is out. The person who is out, however, doesn’t want it to be their fault. They don’t want to look themselves in the mirror and see a bad person.

So they blame us, and being fixers, we end up here at DB.com desperately seeking answers, living in fear and trying work out what to say/do/be.

It is VERY rare to find someone who comes here who was a genuinely BAD and terrible spouse.

While you could probably count on one hand the number of LBS here whose spouse weren’t in an active affair (EA or PA), you’ll find it even less likely for a WAS/WS to accept responsibility for treating us poorly, breaking their vow or hurting their kids’ future.

It’s just the way it is. I wouldn’t say she “likely never will” take accountability for her her faults… I’d say you’re more likely to win a $100million dollar lottery.

LBS who accept this will be much happier.

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DW17 #2943100 02/02/23 04:23 PM
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I've got a something I could use some advice on. D18 has an out of state soccer tournament in a few weeks. Airplane tickets are already paid for and I've booked a hotel. A few weeks ago W asked if we were booking together or separate and I said separate. She said "That's weird, but whatever."

As the date gets closer, I've started to rethink whether it makes sense to do things separately for a few different reasons.

1. None of the parents on the team know what’s going on with W and I and I’m worried about the awkwardness having to explain it right now. Some of the parents I barely know, but others I’ve known for 10+ years. The coach is a good friend of ours. It feels like the wrong time/place to have this out in the open.

2. The cost savings of not paying for 2 hotel rooms and 2 rental cars (D18 is staying with teammates at a different hotel that is fully booked).

3. I feel my emotional state is detached enough that it won’t be an issue for me emotionally.

W has not booked a hotel room yet and is getting concerned about costs. D18 knows this and I explained to her that I do have a room with 2 beds in case W completely drops the ball. I don’t want W to miss D18’s last tournament regardless of what’s going on with us.

So those are some of the reasons why I’m rethinking things. I am still reminding myself why I said no in the first place. She’s actively pursuing D and is supposed to file right after we get back. She keeps digging herself a hole financially and it’s not my job to fix that.

Another wrench in the situation is that D18 injured her leg in practice last week and we aren’t sure she will even be able to play. If she can’t play, I’m not going, which makes this entire thought process a bit of a waste.

There have been a few things this week that I’m trying not to read too far in to.

W keeps leaving notes from her counseling laying around. I shouldn’t be reading them, but it’s almost like they are left out for me to see. The first one was her D plan that I mentioned a few weeks ago. Last week mentioned a fear of letting me and the kids down and disrupting our lives. It also mentioned that she felt compassion when I listened to her talk about nightmares she was having and that I listen and understand when she talks to me.

This week was a list of things about me she is grateful for. It included things like being a great dad, taking care of my family the best way I knew how, me working on my mental health and making improvements, my communication, my listening and being a hard worker. I have no clue what to think of that and it isn’t beneficial for me to spend time analyzing it, but it is a change from the minimal feedback I got from her earlier counseling sessions that were just about all of my faults and how she deserves to be happy.

It feels wrong reading through these notes, but it’s hard not to when they are just laying out on the counter.

W has been way more pleasant lately, telling me to have a good day, thanking me for things, etc. She even played a card game with me and D5 last night which she hasn’t done in forever. D5 said “I’m so happy we are playing as a family. I wish we could do this every day.” I am aware of what she told D18 a few weeks ago-
Originally Posted by DW17
W was talking to her in the car the other day and said she was going to kill me with kindness because she is about to break my heart. W has been noticeably nicer the past week or so, but this is the exact reason you guys say not to get hopes up after positive interactions. You never know the actual motive behind the behavior.
I haven’t gotten any more ILY’s or questions about whether I’d ask her to marry me again. She did have an emotional morning Monday as we had to put one of our cats down. She hugged me and later sent a text thanking me for being there for her and saying that it meant a lot knowing that she still had me for the hardest parts in life. I took that as a negative, like she her feels I will always be there no matter what. Um….not if we aren’t married!

Longer post than I was expecting, but it’s been an interesting week. Maybe it’s the roller coaster of emotions changing again, I don’t know. But I’m still just plugging along. I’m reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, I’m on week 8 of my half marathon prep and getting ready for a daddy daughter dance with D5 this weekend. Any advice on the travel situation would be appreciated.


M:39 W:39
T:22 M:18
S:19 D:18 D:5
BD:7/2022
DW17 #2943101 02/02/23 04:50 PM
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Very interested in how you approach this and I don’t have advice. So many similarities in my sitch. W is doing/saying similar kinds of sentiments (she sent a text acknowledging and appreciating what I have been doing for our family etc and she has been proposing family activities) but she recently went away on a trip that I assume was with OM and she has been not giving any indication she wants to come back to the M. I am moving in the opposite direction, not engaging, not pursuing, focusing in me and kids and GAL.


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I summarize for you guys "loss of attraction". You have been instructed how to get it back. It's up to you to implement. Until you do expect many years of the same treatment.

DW17 #2943104 02/02/23 06:40 PM
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LH, I hear you. Seems I just needed a reminder.

At some point W has to actually feel like she has lost something. I should not interrupt that process, regardless of the circumstance. While she goes through whatever she's going through, I should continue to focus on me.

Assuming D18 is healed up, I'll go down there and have a bunch of fun. It's a place I've never been with nice weather and lots of things to explore besides watching soccer.

If this plays out like most of the other things I've spent time thinking about that I shouldn't have, D18 won't be healed and I won't even be going down there. But this does serve as a good reminder to stay on track. Thanks.

(Side note from re-reading my previous post - I didn't get 2 beds just in case W needed one. That was all that was available.)


M:39 W:39
T:22 M:18
S:19 D:18 D:5
BD:7/2022
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