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DW17 #2942806 01/25/23 05:47 PM
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DW,

“ Despite all of this, a big part of me would love to be the one to help her through it. I have faults that contributed to this situation. But I also know that her upbringing, which she did not get to choose, is something that will cause her problems for the rest of her life. I feel like I know her better than anyone else ever will and that I would be able to help her overcome these issues. I also know that she fired me from that job.”

Does she know this and feel this? Have you shown/communicated and been consistent in your own work to be her husband? I know she fired you. I’m on that same page in my sitch. I don’t have the answers for saving my marriage let alone yours. So these are somewhat rhetorical questions for my own process.

Panel of esteemed vets and newbies. Your thoughts? And I like the idea of early timely negotiating.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
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Originally Posted by Rockon
I don’t have the answers for saving my marriage let alone yours.
How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it.

Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes your w and her boyfriend together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your wife back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.

Originally Posted by Rockon
Have you shown/communicated and been consistent in your own work to be her husband?
Is there any chance that you will then feel you didn't express yourself clearly enough, and need to prove your love to her?

I guess what I'm asking is "where is the finish line?" At what point do you feel you will trust that she fully understands how you feel and still chooses not to reconcile?

I hate to ask you that question, but I also don't want to see you forever stuck.

If you pour your heart out and nothing changes, what comes next?

There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your wife back.

I'm sorry.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
BL42 #2942810 01/25/23 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by BL42
R2C do you respond like that to ExW? Wonder if you practice on her just to make her wonder what she threw away.
Short answer is we do not interact. I have been in a committed relationship for 12+ years. I believe it would be disrespectful to my lady.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
DW17 #2942816 01/25/23 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Rockon
Does she know this and feel this? Have you shown/communicated and been consistent in your own work to be her husband? I know she fired you. I’m on that same page in my sitch. I don’t have the answers for saving my marriage let alone yours. So these are somewhat rhetorical questions for my own process.
I think if she felt that I was the one to help her, we’d be working on our relationship right now rather than being on the verge of D. I accept my role in her feeling that way, but I understand there is a lot more to it that I am not responsible for and cannot control.

Early on I explained my thoughts and feelings. I did not continue to reiterate them because she already knew how I felt. That was advice I received here. She hasn’t once asked how I feel about things and she has surrounded herself with people who won’t question her feelings. There is no amount of talking I can do at this time to make her question them herself.

I was not always consistent in my work as a husband throughout our marriage, but my guess is that’s why a lot of us are here. However, it takes two people for a marriage to dissolve and two to put it back together. I can only control one side of that. I have been consistent in my role as a parent and I have been consistent in working to better myself. This has helped me move toward the man I want to be.


M:39 W:39
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DW17 #2942820 01/25/23 09:03 PM
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This makes a lot of sense and is how I see my sitch as well. I don’t believe there is more for me to say or convince. Done


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
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DW17 #2942824 01/25/23 10:05 PM
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She does not take accountability for her faults and likely never will. She does not love herself. I do not trust her to ever put in the work required for self-improvement.

This is the most accurate statement you’ll ever find on this website.

All of us who arrive here share the same pathology.

We are committed to our relationship, we are prepared to fix, improve, practice, reset and work on ourselves and our relationship.

Our partners are not. Either because of an affair, or MLC, or trauma or any other reason.

So we have a dynamic where one person is in, and one person is out. The person who is out, however, doesn’t want it to be their fault. They don’t want to look themselves in the mirror and see a bad person.

So they blame us, and being fixers, we end up here at DB.com desperately seeking answers, living in fear and trying work out what to say/do/be.

It is VERY rare to find someone who comes here who was a genuinely BAD and terrible spouse.

While you could probably count on one hand the number of LBS here whose spouse weren’t in an active affair (EA or PA), you’ll find it even less likely for a WAS/WS to accept responsibility for treating us poorly, breaking their vow or hurting their kids’ future.

It’s just the way it is. I wouldn’t say she “likely never will” take accountability for her her faults… I’d say you’re more likely to win a $100million dollar lottery.

LBS who accept this will be much happier.

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