H would be a very good weekend father and give everything. It’s only hurting himself that responsibility for financial things is hard, he would never leave his child or hurt it in any way.
Because that's what every kid deserves, a parent who can't show up with any degree of consistency m-f ....
please, get some IC.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Have you read the welcome thread and all the links?
I remember coming here desperate for answers and feeling like I didn't have time to do the readings, although I'd read DR ...
Over time I realized that the path to salvation for myself and possibly my marriage was to do the readings myself then ask the questions here.
Hope this helps.
Not yet because I can’t get a copy now. Will in a few weeks. I did read a lot of the links and keep finding new ones, so yes i did put in a lot of hours reading before I ask questions.
I’m also doing/reading a similar course in my own language, also based on work on yourself first and stop focusing on your ex (or x to be).
I’m sorry if I did something wrong
Me 41 H 34 T 14 No kids 1 dog First BD 3-22 ILYBNILWY Second BD EA (LD online) comfirmed 6-22 PA 10-22 Moving out 1-23
You didn't do anything wrong. We're just concerned about your thought process with H in terms of hoping he has a baby with OW and then comes back to you. Also concerned you don't seem to have a support system outside of H.
Originally Posted by Bat
I did have IC for about a year, ending with a diagnosis. This made me more depressed and I stopped. The diagnosis and BD 1 were about the same time.
What was the diagnosis? Have you considered starting back up with IC, even if it's a different counselor?
Originally Posted by Bat
The fact that I don’t have friends doesn’t mean I sit around waiting for him to come home.
If you don't have friends, do you have family? Anyone on whom you can rely on support in this incredibly difficult situation?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
No, you've done nothing wrong, I'm simply advocating using prior threads on this forum as an additional source of information/learning.
Many of your questions will be answered as you continue your research through this website as well as continue asking questions.
My best advice to you is to:
1. stop focusing on him.
2. Focus on yourself.
3. Stop going down the cheeseless tunnels of endless scenarios which may or may not ever happen.
4. Jump headfirst into GAL activities ASAP
5. Sit quietly and think long and hard about your core values and how you want to live a life that reflects those values separate from any other relationship, especially your marriage.
6. Once you figure out what makes you really tick, other answers will become readily apparent. You need to figure out who you are now. You already know who you were prior to this M, and who you were during this M. Who are you now, today, after BD and all the experiences you've had over the past few years? How have they changed you? How have they either solidified or changed your core values? Have your priorities/what's most important to you shifted as a result? This is important work to do. Get a notebook and spend some time writing this out. It's worth the effort.
7. Stop all R talks with your husband. I mean NOW. STOP.
8. Learn what the term cake eating means. I see a lot of it here, and you're serving it up on silver platters daily. Stop doing that.
9. Learn more about healthy boundaries and what you personally define as such.
10. Read the love languages book by Gary Chapman.
11. Start an exercise program. Even if it's a 20 minute walk a day that you aren't doing now.
12. Here's your STFU smoothie frequent user card. You get to punch out a star for every time you use it.
That's a good start for homework for you.
Last edited by bttrfly; 01/19/2303:48 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
How about this? You STOP telling a story and simply present the facts as they are, without embellishment or hypothesizing endlessly about possible outcomes?
Again I am sorry to bother you with my questions. I didn’t want to pull the card but I have a diagnosis on the autism spectrum. H doesn’t but we both think he could also be on the spectrum. One of the symptoms is obsessive behaviour and endlessly thinking about all possible outcomes.
This was hard on H too, and he asked me to stop talking about scenarios, so I did. Or at least try I do sometimes slip.
Simply present the facts is not that easy when you sometimes wonder what is the truth and when his answers change. And then hearing it could be gaslighting doesn’t help either in knowing what is reality.
Me 41 H 34 T 14 No kids 1 dog First BD 3-22 ILYBNILWY Second BD EA (LD online) comfirmed 6-22 PA 10-22 Moving out 1-23
How about this? You STOP telling a story and simply present the facts as they are, without embellishment or hypothesizing endlessly about possible outcomes?
Again I am sorry to bother you with my questions. I didn’t want to pull the card but I have a diagnosis on the autism spectrum. H doesn’t but we both think he could also be on the spectrum. One of the symptoms is obsessive behaviour and endlessly thinking about all possible outcomes.
This was hard on H too, and he asked me to stop talking about scenarios, so I did. Or at least try I do sometimes slip.
Simply present the facts is not that easy when you sometimes wonder what is the truth and when his answers change. And then hearing it could be gaslighting doesn’t help either in knowing what is reality.
You're not bothering me. We are here to help you as much as we can, but we are not professionals, so remember that what we can do is limited by that.
Ok, so the OCD piece needs to be addressed. This should be your priority for your own mental health.
Look at your feet. Now bring your gaze up and look around you. Is he there? If not, focus on what is in front of you. Keep it in the day/hour/minute/second. Work on being truly present in the moment to the best of your ability.
I realize that isn't easy, but with practice you will get better at it and recognizing when you are triggered.
Again, a simplistic answer to a complex issue a professional would offer more help with, I'm sure.
Last edited by bttrfly; 01/19/2304:02 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
He just tm me that he has found an apartment. He said I need some space to think and can’t do that in our house with you around and with responsibility for the house and the dog.
Your response should be "I agree let me know if you need help packing"
Originally Posted by Bat
I need this space to think and maybe then I will be able to think clearly. He doesn’t use the word fog but this is what he is trying to say?
Make no mistake about it he is thinking clearly as day.
Originally Posted by Bat
But he also said it’s because OW demands that I have my own space and I can’t let her go at this point. I asked what about me can you let me go. He said I don’t know 🤷♂️
Your response should be "Well I hope you two are happy together."
Originally Posted by Bat
I said go ahead maybe it’ll be good for you. Is this ok or how should I react? I do think it’s a good idea.
Your response should be "make care you take all your $hit because I am speaking to a lawyer, changing the locks, and you won't be getting back in.
What I said above are responses you are going to wish you had used years down the road. You can't see it now but some day you will see it clearly.
Also a STFU smoothie is what you drink when your spouse starts talking about his OW, etc. and details of their sex life, for example.
that's when you DON'T ask questions and you DO set a boundary.
Example: Husband, it seems you need someone to help you process your relationship with OW. I'm not the person to help you with this. Please get an IC. I don't want to hear about this any longer.
You get to punch a star on your frequent user smoothie card every time you use it.
If you punch it often enough your gift will be detachment.
Last edited by bttrfly; 01/19/2304:07 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
By the way, STFU is an acronym for Shut The F__ Up. A humorous, and yet serious, way of reminding one’s self to let go, let the other talk, and just listen to the clues your partner will drop. Lots of times being silent is the wisest course when dealing with a spouse who has their foot out the door.
D
Last edited by DnJ; 01/19/2304:16 PM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
By the way, STFU is an acronym for Shut The F__ Up. A humorous, and yet serious, way of reminding one’s self to let go, let the other talk, and just listen to the clues your partner will drop. Lots of times being silent is the wisest course when dealing with a spouse who has their foot out the door.
D
And if they start talking even more trash than normal, or they violate a boundary, such as discussing something that you don't want to discuss, you get to reinforce the boundary, in the manner LH describes above ...
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
