Hello! I’m new and hope that I’m doing this the right way.
I’ve been reading a lot on this forum and now I would like to contribute.
As probably all of you, I could write a book about my story, maybe I will some day.
In short, met 14 years ago when I was in an abusive marriage. Fell in love, I became a WAS and never looked back. I felt at home the moment I met him. Our R was great for I guess first 8-10 years. Then things started to happen, in hindsight I think this is when MLC started. To name a few, relationship with his family was difficult, my mum had serious health problems, jobs were too stressful for us, we bought a house and responsibility for that was a huge deal for him, his grandfather died and we witnessed him passing away. This was before 2020 when [censored] really hit the fan, in feb in a few days-weeks I had a miscarriage, burnout, my mum had a stroke, our dog a tumor and oh yeah there was a global pandemic which resulted in losing my job a had for 12 years.
For 2 years H really did what he could in taking care of me, my mum and our dog. Halfway he got a new job, his former job was very stressful and his boss looked over his shoulder all the time. In the new job he works solo, also during the night. This is when he started to think, I now have a job a like and no more stress but still I’m unhappy, bored and nobody’s watching. This is when the online EA started. In march right before a holiday was the first BD; I’m not happy and have the feeling my life is going by without living it, and I don’t have feelings for you anymore like I should. Yes the famous speech everyone gets. Months later he told me that during that holiday he broke off all contact with OW, but got back a few weeks later. After the holiday he told me no I don’t have doubts anymore I love you and choose you. I did think what do you mean with choose because I didn’t know about OW, but I was kinda glad everything was ok. We started doing work in the garden together and I started thinking about new things to do. We worked on our R by doing more new things and working out, loosing weight. He did teeth whitening. He started learning for his drivers license for motor cycle.
Yes all the classic MLC…
In june we went on another holiday. It was ok, but during this time I felt something was wrong. Near the end he told me yes I still have doubts. We talked a long time about things in life he felt missing out on, and I told him we can make it happen. Nothing I offered was good enough. In the plane I had a panic attack.
Back home a few days later the big BD happened, yes there is a OW. And no I don’t want to stop. We had a lot of talks, and he explained he needed the experience because I was the only one he had sex with and he didn’t feel like a man. And it had to be a woman from a specific part of the world, that was his dream. Long story short we agreed with help from MC that he would sleep with her. By then she had booked a ticket to meet him. In oct they met and did have sex. I supported him because even during those 5 days he said this is it after this I’ll end it and make everything up to you. Last day of her visit he came home and told me I think we are done I’m in love with her. He moved to other bedroom for 3 nights. Then he came back to me we had sex every day since then but he also booked a ticket to see her in jan, and started calling her from his car every day for at least an hour. Those hours were heartbreaking for me, more than the PA.
Things went up and down, from we are done I’m looking for an apartment to I think I come back to you. I booked a trip for myself to be away in jan when he goes to see her. The last night before I had to go even went from waking up and saying I think we are going to get back together after this, to I’m not able to stop this, to the words right after sex a few hours before my flight; listen to the subtitles this is to be continued. I asked what that means he said we are going to have sex many more times. And him crying that he didn’t want me to leave because he would miss me so much.
Now I’m at a tropical island in that part of the world where she is from (but another country). This has always been our happy place. He will leave in a few days we text all the time. I try to go dark and let him miss me (he said if I miss you I come back to you), and it’s working he’s the one reaching out for attention. But I made the mistake to ask about it and then he said I do miss you but I now know I will never be able to stop, no matter how much it hurts to loose you I just can’t stop it. I did ask at a wrong time (he was tired and stressed) and start to learn that when I ask I get this answers, when I wait and let him talk he says the opposite.
So now I’m planning to stop asking questions. Let the A run its course and hope for the best. In the meantime I do wonder should I keep the connection between us by talking to him but without R talk? Or should I put pressure on him by going more dark and stop talking? It feels like pushing and manipulation and not giving him the space to let the A run its course.
Sorry about any typos I use my phone 🙄. And what I said I could write a book so there is much more to it, but this is my story in a nutshell.
Looking forward to any advice, especially now their A really is about to start. I am confident he will come back but don’t know if this will take a long time.
Me 41 H 34 T 14 No kids 1 dog First BD 3-22 ILYBNILWY Second BD EA (LD online) comfirmed 6-22 PA 10-22 Moving out 1-23
You may be on moderation for a while, which just means your posts are to be reviewed by a moderator before getting displayed. Moderation is usually removed after new posters have created 5-10 posts.
Once your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread and continue on that thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your old full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The last couple of years have certainly had some stressful situations for you and H. Plenty of events to stir unrealized and buried hurts from the past.
H is displaying quite a bit of confusion. He bounces from idea to idea, with a general gravitation towards his fantasy. It’s near impossible to compete with a fantasy.
Originally Posted by Bat
And it had to be a woman from a specific part of the world, that was his dream.
Bat, the OW is just a symptom. I’ve never seen a more proof filled statement of that than the above. Such objectification. Just a women from a particular part of the world. Not “her”.
The other person is a symptom. A band-aid. An attempt for the person in crisis to feel better about their life and self.
Originally Posted by Bat
Long story short we agreed with help from MC that he would sleep with her. By then she had booked a ticket to meet him.
Odd advice, in my humble opinion.
That being said, having this out in the open may prove to be the best. H was otherwise likely to just take it underground. We really cannot stop someone’s crisis.
Originally Posted by Bat
In oct they met and did have sex. I supported him because even during those 5 days he said this is it after this I’ll end it and make everything up to you.
You gave him the opportunity. The benefit of the agreement from MC. And he did not make it all up to you.
Originally Posted by Bat
Last day of her visit he came home and told me I think we are done I’m in love with her.
It’s not love. H is high on his fantasy.
Originally Posted by Bat
He moved to other bedroom for 3 nights.
Good. Let him be the one to move. Let him own his affair and the consequences of it. You do not budge from the master bedroom, or house, or main floor. He moves.
Originally Posted by Bat
Then he came back to me we had sex every day since then but he also booked a ticket to see her in jan, and started calling her from his car every day for at least an hour. Those hours were heartbreaking for me, more than the PA.
Ah yes, cake eating. H wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants both lives.
B, it’s generally not a good idea to allow this. For someone embroiled in a crisis, nothing you do, or do not do, will have much effect. H needs to traverse his journey. Having sex will likely just prolong whatever outcome is pending. It also exposes you to a very real risk of STDs and such.
A person in crisis becomes the opposite of who they were. Tossing aside their sensibilities and embracing all manner of excessive, illicit, rebellious, devious, etc behaviours in their futile attempt to feel better, to feel normal, to feel anything. These behaviours display the running they are doing. They run from their pain and hidden torments. Spending, drinking, drugs, sex, etc. are very common.
Originally Posted by Bat
Things went up and down, from we are done I’m looking for an apartment to I think I come back to you. I booked a trip for myself to be away in jan when he goes to see her. The last night before I had to go even went from waking up and saying I think we are going to get back together after this, to I’m not able to stop this, to the words right after sex a few hours before my flight; listen to the subtitles this is to be continued. I asked what that means he said we are going to have sex many more times. And him crying that he didn’t want me to leave because he would miss me so much.
Now I’m at a tropical island in that part of the world where she is from (but another country). This has always been our happy place. He will leave in a few days we text all the time. I try to go dark and let him miss me (he said if I miss you I come back to you), and it’s working he’s the one reaching out for attention. But I made the mistake to ask about it and then he said I do miss you but I now know I will never be able to stop, no matter how much it hurts to loose you I just can’t stop it. I did ask at a wrong time (he was tired and stressed) and start to learn that when I ask I get this answers, when I wait and let him talk he says the opposite.
He is all over the map. Realize he is driven by his emotions right now. His actions and decisions will be more emotional and not very much rational. They will also change a lot. Just as feeling do.
Right now, for you, enjoy the tropical island. Go dark. No need to text H. This is for you.
Originally Posted by Bat
So now I’m planning to stop asking questions. Let the A run its course and hope for the best. In the meantime I do wonder should I keep the connection between us by talking to him but without R talk? Or should I put pressure on him by going more dark and stop talking? It feels like pushing and manipulation and not giving him the space to let the A run its course.
Yes, stop asking questions to H. The affair has to run its course. Any influence from you, as well meaning as it may be, will at best be neutral, it most likely will delay things or even stall them out completely. You really cannot speed this up, though you can certainly slow it down.
Give plenty of time and space. And definitely no R talks.
Going dark is a mechanism for you to heal and regain your balance. It is not a strategy for getting H through his turmoil, or influencing him, or some such. Going dark is not punishment either.
You do want to limit the pressures applied to H. Just do your own thing. Focus on you and your life.
You sound pretty detached. Of course, you’ve progressed over the past months. Keep moving forward, and be kind and cordial.
I’d recommend stopping the cake eating. It looks like H is planning on moving out to an apartment anyhow. Be dark, or dim. Let him miss you.
Originally Posted by Bat
I am confident he will come back but don’t know if this will take a long time.
This is a marathon, not a sprint.
You have the gift of time, use it well.
I look forward to talking with you again.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
What are your ages? Do you have any children together and/or from a previous relationship?
Originally Posted by Bat
In short, met 14 years ago when I was in an abusive marriage.
You met while married? What specifically was abusive about your previous marriage?
Originally Posted by Bat
Fell in love, I became a WAS and never looked back.
What would you ExH say about it?
Originally Posted by Bat
To name a few, relationship with his family was difficult, my mum had serious health problems, jobs were too stressful for us, we bought a house and responsibility for that was a huge deal for him, his grandfather died and we witnessed him passing away. This was before 2020 when [censored] really hit the fan, in feb in a few days-weeks I had a miscarriage, burnout, my mum had a stroke, our dog a tumor and oh yeah there was a global pandemic which resulted in losing my job a had for 12 years.
That's a lot for sure. Why was the relationship with his family difficult? Sorry to hear about the miscarriage...that's really tough. Were things good between the two of you when you got pregnant?
Originally Posted by Bat
Long story short we agreed with help from MC that he would sleep with her.
It sounds like you and MC endorsed him sleeping with OW to "get it out of his system? Hindsight is always 20/20, but this was a very bad decision. Not that you could stop him from doing it anyway, but it sounds very wrong for you and MC to give him your blessing.
Originally Posted by Bat
In oct they met and did have sex. I supported him because even during those 5 days he said this is it after this I’ll end it and make everything up to you.
Again, bad decision. Do not ever let yourself be treated like that and disrespected. Next time you walk away with your head held high and never look back. Let me come back begging if he wants.
Originally Posted by Bat
Last day of her visit he came home and told me I think we are done I’m in love with her. He moved to other bedroom for 3 nights. Then he came back to me we had sex every day since then but he also booked a ticket to see her in jan, and started calling her from his car every day for at least an hour. Those hours were heartbreaking for me, more than the PA.
Again, you're letting him "eat cake". Don't be a doormat. If he wants to meet up w/OW he doesn't get you.
Originally Posted by Bat
I booked a trip for myself to be away in jan when he goes to see her.
Good! Get out and live your life!
Originally Posted by Bat
This has always been our happy place. He will leave in a few days we text all the time. I try to go dark and let him miss me (he said if I miss you I come back to you), and it’s working he’s the one reaching out for attention.
You can't go dark for a few days and then text him. You have to mean it.
Originally Posted by Bat
In the meantime I do wonder should I keep the connection between us by talking to him but without R talk? Or should I put pressure on him by going more dark and stop talking? It feels like pushing and manipulation and not giving him the space to let the A run its course.
I would not try to keep the connection up. You need to detach for your own mental well being. Give him more space than he even wants. Do not let him eat cake by texting him back while he's with OW. Start moving in the complete opposite direction as him and be happy about it (or at least fake it till you make it). He is cheating on you. Start making plans for your life that don't include him. MAYBE he'll "see the light" and come crawling back. IF he does, you can decide at that point if you
Originally Posted by Bat
I am confident he will come back but don’t know if this will take a long time.
Chances are it'll take a really long time. Longer than LBSs here hope.
Bat - I'm wondering...are there any common threads/behaviors from your relationship with ExH and your R with current H?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
If I am reading this correctly, rather than having an A, it sounds like you opened up your marriage?
I am think some very important information here is what boundaries were set when the both of you with the help of a marriage counselor agreed to him having sex with this woman? Were the consequences discussed of what might happen if this was done? What would happen and how would you both feel if he simply wasn’t just “getting it out of his system”?
What are your ages? Do you have any children together and/or from a previous relationship?
Bat provided some further info in her signature line.
BTW, nicely done Bat. The signature line is usually found and utilized later on by most newbies. A few key details, like you did, really helps folks when posting to you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I’m glad you’ve landed here. There’s lots of wonderful people who will help shape and guide you on your journey.
Your husband is many, many years from coming back to you - if he does at all.
I’ve never, EVER read a story where a marriage was opened up and it worked out for the best. It always come from a place of someone wanting to cheat, but wanting permission so they don’t have to feel bad about it. Your marriage counsellor is an idiot.
I think you’re in for a really rough ride. Best of luck.
Work through the welcome thread that DNJ posted… and then the main things you need to prioritise are IC, exercise, sleep and managing your emotion.
Hi Bat. I'm sorry you're going through this. Focus on taking care of yourself. Even when you feel overwhelmed by the pain, you can still do small things to make yourself feel better. Like making yourself a cup of tea and drinking it really mindfully.
When you feel emotionally ok to do this, I think it'd be really useful to reflect on the questions that BL42 posted re: comparison of your previous marriage to your current one.
Quote
And it had to be a woman from a specific part of the world, that was his dream.
This is so gross. Wtf. I REALLY do not like this. Has he always had this fantasy or is this a new thing? I'm sorry, but I really question the character of this guy. Sounds like he has some serious issues with objectifying and using women that go beyond his current identity crisis.
The last couple of years have certainly had some stressful situations for you and H. Plenty of events to stir unrealized and buried hurts from the past.
H is displaying quite a bit of confusion. He bounces from idea to idea, with a general gravitation towards his fantasy. It’s near impossible to compete with a fantasy.
Do you mean short term? I mean could he be right that a woman from .. is what he needs?
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Bat
And it had to be a woman from a specific part of the world, that was his dream.
Bat, the OW is just a symptom. I’ve never seen a more proof filled statement of that than the above. Such objectification. Just a women from a particular part of the world. Not “her”.
The other person is a symptom. A band-aid. An attempt for the person in crisis to feel better about their life and self.
Yes I think this is true. Sometimes he says “her” but mainly “an .. woman”. He goes as far as believing it’s the same as being gay, that it’s an urge he needs to pursue.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Bat
Long story short we agreed with help from MC that he would sleep with her. By then she had booked a ticket to meet him.
Odd advice, in my humble opinion.
That being said, having this out in the open may prove to be the best. H was otherwise likely to just take it underground. We really cannot stop someone’s crisis.
Yes I am glad it’s out in the open, lies probably hurt even more.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Bat
In oct they met and did have sex. I supported him because even during those 5 days he said this is it after this I’ll end it and make everything up to you.
You gave him the opportunity. The benefit of the agreement from MC. And he did not make it all up to you.
The MC did not really agree. I agreed because I understood he needed the experience.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Bat
So now I’m planning to stop asking questions. Let the A run its course and hope for the best. In the meantime I do wonder should I keep the connection between us by talking to him but without R talk? Or should I put pressure on him by going more dark and stop talking? It feels like pushing and manipulation and not giving him the space to let the A run its course.
Yes, stop asking questions to H. The affair has to run its course. Any influence from you, as well meaning as it may be, will at best be neutral, it most likely will delay things or even stall them out completely. You really cannot speed this up, though you can certainly slow it down.
How does my influence slow it down?
Originally Posted by DnJ
Give plenty of time and space. And definitely no R talks.
Going dark is a mechanism for you to heal and regain your balance. It is not a strategy for getting H through his turmoil, or influencing him, or some such. Going dark is not punishment either.
Thank you for this. It does feel a bit like a strategy or punishment.
Last edited by DnJ; 01/18/2301:06 AM. Reason: Corrected quote syntax.
Me 41 H 34 T 14 No kids 1 dog First BD 3-22 ILYBNILWY Second BD EA (LD online) comfirmed 6-22 PA 10-22 Moving out 1-23
What are your ages? Do you have any children together and/or from a previous relationship?
I’m 41 he is 34. No children.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
In short, met 14 years ago when I was in an abusive marriage.
You met while married? What specifically was abusive about your previous marriage?
My ex abused me physically and emotionally.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
Fell in love, I became a WAS and never looked back.
What would you ExH say about it?
The moment I said there is OM and I’m out his family took control of the situation and pulled him away. That was for the best in this situation it was also to protect me. They didn’t know about the hitting and protected me by keeping him away.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
To name a few, relationship with his family was difficult, my mum had serious health problems, jobs were too stressful for us, we bought a house and responsibility for that was a huge deal for him, his grandfather died and we witnessed him passing away. This was before 2020 when [censored] really hit the fan, in feb in a few days-weeks I had a miscarriage, burnout, my mum had a stroke, our dog a tumor and oh yeah there was a global pandemic which resulted in losing my job a had for 12 years.
That's a lot for sure. Why was the relationship with his family difficult? Sorry to hear about the miscarriage...that's really tough. Were things good between the two of you when you got pregnant?
It had a lot to do with him feeling less loved by his parents than his elder brother. Elder brother had career opportunities he wanted, and his parents always talked about him also to others. When his brother started having kids things escalated. We weren’t really welcome anymore, when we visited they always were to busy to interact and activities we used to do got cancelled it was all about the grandkids.
H and I tried to have kids but didn’t succeed. We knew from beginning that it would be difficult due to medical issues. So we had the fantasy of adopting from that part of the world. I said that there was much more to the story here it goes.
We even had the crazy fantasy about a donor from that part of the world. Or even worse, getting me pregnant with a.. man or him getting a.. woman pregnant. We don’t really drink, but see it as drunken talking. This was in beginning of our relationship, we were very young.
I always knew he liked .. woman, and we both thought.. kids are very cute and often seem more well behaved.
We did look into adoption, I would like to but H is to afraid a) of people judging him and b) adoption would mean a child of 2+ years old and H thinks it’ll have to much emotional problems.
So yes, this OW from .. has a lot to do with that. And I can relate because I had a very brief fantasy A with someone from tv also from this descent. It was not more than that, a few weeks of fantasy about getting pregnant and have this mixed race child we always dreamed of. H found out in my search history we talked about it and I snapped out of it.
An attempt to resolve this part of the fantasy is that I encouraged H to take a test to see if he is fertile. He understands and admits that it’s part of the fantasy/problem. This is also fueled by his brother having kids, his best friend now about to have his first and some old colleagues on fb showing off. One of them, yes showing off by having an .. wife and mixed race baby. That fb post was one of the moments it clicked and H said I need to have this. The result of the fertility test is in a few days. H spoke to OW about having a child right away and she thinks it’s too soon. She right of course. She’s 39 btw. Another [censored] up part about this is that one of the options for the future H fantasy is about her having a baby and then breaking up with her and coming back to me. I don’t think this would be the worst case scenario. He wants a child but doesn’t want full responsibility, and her taking the biggest part of the responsibility would be a good solution.
All of this is not ethical, we know but this is an anonymous board so let’s be very honest and open.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
Long story short we agreed with help from MC that he would sleep with her.
It sounds like you and MC endorsed him sleeping with OW to "get it out of his system? Hindsight is always 20/20, but this was a very bad decision. Not that you could stop him from doing it anyway, but it sounds very wrong for you and MC to give him your blessing.
Why was this wrong? Otherwise as you said it would stick in his system this was exactly what he said.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
In oct they met and did have sex. I supported him because even during those 5 days he said this is it after this I’ll end it and make everything up to you.
Again, bad decision. Do not ever let yourself be treated like that and disrespected. Next time you walk away with your head held high and never look back. Let me come back begging if he wants.
I choose to allow it, he was open about doing it anyway so no disrespect in my opinion.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
Last day of her visit he came home and told me I think we are done I’m in love with her. He moved to other bedroom for 3 nights. Then he came back to me we had sex every day since then but he also booked a ticket to see her in jan, and started calling her from his car every day for at least an hour. Those hours were heartbreaking for me, more than the PA.
Again, you're letting him "eat cake". Don't be a doormat. If he wants to meet up w/OW he doesn't get you.
He did respect that I didn’t allow him talking to her in the house so he went out to do it in his car. This was his way of showing respect. I did tell him the phonecalls are over when you come back.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
I booked a trip for myself to be away in jan when he goes to see her.
Good! Get out and live your life!
Originally Posted by Bat
This has always been our happy place. He will leave in a few days we text all the time. I try to go dark and let him miss me (he said if I miss you I come back to you), and it’s working he’s the one reaching out for attention.
You can't go dark for a few days and then text him. You have to mean it.
I probably went dim instead of dark. By no R talks anymore and not responding as quickly as normal.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
In the meantime I do wonder should I keep the connection between us by talking to him but without R talk? Or should I put pressure on him by going more dark and stop talking? It feels like pushing and manipulation and not giving him the space to let the A run its course.
I would not try to keep the connection up. You need to detach for your own mental well being. Give him more space than he even wants. Do not let him eat cake by texting him back while he's with OW. Start moving in the complete opposite direction as him and be happy about it (or at least fake it till you make it). He is cheating on you. Start making plans for your life that don't include him. MAYBE he'll "see the light" and come crawling back. IF he does, you can decide at that point if you
Pff yes I know but it’s hard. He is my only friend to be honest and not speaking to him would mean not speaking to anybody. We also have a dog so need to communicate about that.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Bat
I am confident he will come back but don’t know if this will take a long time.
Chances are it'll take a really long time. Longer than LBSs here hope.
I know this is a stupid question but do you think the A will last months or even years?
Last edited by DnJ; 01/18/2302:26 AM. Reason: Corrected quote syntax.
Me 41 H 34 T 14 No kids 1 dog First BD 3-22 ILYBNILWY Second BD EA (LD online) comfirmed 6-22 PA 10-22 Moving out 1-23
