Happy New Year! After a year of mournnng, and a month of resting/slacking after having Covid, I’m ready to set goals and move forward into a better year with a better me.
I’ll revive a tradition I used to have, of writing my goals in a pretty notebook, including steps to get there.
While I don’t hit all or even most goals, it often surprises me how many things manifest in my life after doing this exercise.
Last year I lost weight and got fitter - I’m not done yet with this journey and plan to reach my goal weight this year, with a toned and fit body. The exercise bike has been working for me; I also have a great free weight workout video that I will start doing again.
This does present a dilemma - I’d rather meet a guy who thinks I’m sexy at my current weight, than one who meets me first at my ideal weight. But having a boyfriend right now would probably interfere with my regimen. Not really ready to date yet anyway, so rather moot at this point.
Other goals will include continuing to learn Korean, and advancing my drumming skills. Also cleaning and organizing my house and garage better.
Once I feel like I’ve made progress in those areas, later in the year, I think I’ll try dating again. I do feel too young to give up on male companionship in my life. Dating is a lot more complicated for me than it was ten years ago though, so I feel I need to be ready for those challenges.
This does present a dilemma - I’d rather meet a guy who thinks I’m sexy at my current weight, than one who meets me first at my ideal weight.
This seems like you're borrowing problems from the future. Lose weight and get more fit for yourself - don't worry about how some potential boyfriend might think or respond to it.
Originally Posted by kml
Not really ready to date yet anyway, so rather moot at this point.
Why aren't you ready to date?
Originally Posted by kml
Dating is a lot more complicated for me than it was ten years ago though, so I feel I need to be ready for those challenges.
Why is it more complicated?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
1). As for the weight - my ex was a fat-Nazi who thought I was “fat” at 5’6” 118 lbs. Don’t worry, I never took that on - I knew he was ridiculous. But having had boyfriends since who thought I was fabulous even when overweight, I wouldn’t want to date someone when at my goal weight only to find out he was like my ex.
2) As for not ready to date yet - just feeling like I have too many things I still need to attend to right now. I’d like my house to be m better shape (garage too full of stuff from my kids/ CMM, needs a good clean out, and some more decluttering n the house to be houseguest- ready.)
3) As to why dating is more complicated than ten years ago: - politics - although I’ve always dated liberals anyway, dodging the people who are politically incompatible is a little trickier these days, as they’re more aggressive. - Covid - having to dodge anti-vaxxed, science deniers, and people who simply aren’t at all careful - hair color - I’ve been letting my white hair grow in, and although I get frequent compliments on it, some men will just see me as old. In the past, most of the men I ended up dating just happened to be 5-10 ten years younger, but this might be an obstacle. Once it is completely grown out though I plan to dye the tips blue or purple - may look more punk then - sexuality - compared to ten years ago, there’s less chance guys my age are sexually functional. It’s still an important part of a relationship to me. - retirement. There’s two parts to this. The first is financial - has the guy planned for his retirement, and does he live within his means? The second is timing - I’m not planning to retire for a few more years, but many guys my age have retired or will soon. I wouldn’t be a fit for someone who is retired and wants to spend a lot of time playing, since I still work. - health - I’d prefer not to go through nursing someone through a terminal illness again in the near future.
Nothing is insurmountable, it’s just that when I was in my 50’s, dating guys in their 40’s to 50’s, most of these things were not issues I had to think about. And since CMM was the first new guy I dated after Crazy Ex BF, I haven’t REALLY done OLD for ten years.
Yeah - although that's how I met CMM, I met him so quickly (he was the first guy I dated that time around on online dating) I feel like the last time I REALLY did online dating was ten years ago. And so much has changed since then, including my age and hair color.
I have a confession to make. Something I never thought I would say. I have a newfound respect for, of all things …. BTS!
To me, I used to think of them as just some kind of Korean Backstreet Boys. I didn’t know much about them except that they were huge, and I might have seen a clip of them singing Dynamite on some talk show. Slick but not really my preferred type of pop music.
Then, because I follow some Korean language learning videos, social media started feeding me clips of BTS - interviews, candid videos. And I thought “they remind me of the Beatles in the 60’s”. That same easy camaraderie and humor, their affection for each other is obvious and endearing.
THEN I watched their performance at the Grammy award ceremony last spring - spectacular. Really an amazing performance. (Even more so when you learn that one member had a cast on his arm, so they had to rework the choreography for 6 instead of 7, and two members had tested positive for Covid earlier so they weren’t able to rehearse until the last minute).
Then the other day I listened to an 8 year old song of theirs, Boy in Luv (not to be confused with their recent Boy WITH Luv with Halsey) and THAT song is totally my JAM! It’s like something I would have played in my old pop-punk band. It’s stuck in my head now. It’s a raucous song with a fun video about testosterone-fueled teenage boys with no f-ing idea how to approach the girl they like. So fun.
And as I’ve learned more about the band, they’re surprisingly deep. And they overcame a lot of obstacles early in their career by figuring out how to connect directly with their fan base, building a surprisingly warm and symbiotic relationship with them. They sing songs with messages about mental health and loving yourself, directed to their fans. When BTS donated a million dollars to Black Lives Matter. their fans spontaneously decided to match it and raised another million in 24 hours. Their fan base has now organized charitable works all around the world.
The leader of the group, RM/Kim Namjoon/ 김 남준 is a super smart guy (IQ 148) who has addressed the UN. I now feel apologetic to him and all the boys for being so dismissive of them.
The movie of their concert in Busan (last concert before their two year hiatus to do their mandatory military service) will be in movie theaters in February, and I think I’ll actually go. Who knew?
Kdrama recommendation - on Netflix, Flower of Evil. Great twisty psychological thriller about a female detective and her loving husband who may or may not be a sociopathic serial killer. Lots of interesting psychology about how well do we actually know our partners, is love a feeling or an action, how well do we know ourselves and trust our partners.
Very happy that twice in the last day, I understood a sentence in my Korean drama without having to translate it in my head! Granted, they were very short sentences ("Don't go, please" "I'm doing okay") but still, I'm excited that things are starting to gel in my brain a little. I'm looking forward to the day when I can watch them without the English subtitles. This is really kinda unexpected, that I am having so much FUN learning a new language at this point. It really wasn't on my radar.
I went to the local boulangerie and ordered my croissants and quiche with a flawless french accent, causing the other patrons to look at me like ... whoa !!!
YAY for US !
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Super fun song my middle son sent me today - look on youtube for Brooke Alexx - All My exes' Moms. Very fun song about how all her exes' moms still love her. I can relate! Mr Big Lots' mom often says hi to me when she's on FB, and the guy from Brigadoon's adult children still love me!
I find it completely hilarious that no one challenged this comment about Italian men ;D
'
I don't feel qualified to speak on the subject since I never dated one. And I also feel Italian Americans may be different than Italians in Italy. I have one good friend who is half Italian and he is a sweetie but his other half is El Salvadorean so who knows which side won out? In Italy, I've been inappropriately touched by strangers in the street when I was younger (don't wear shorts in Rome, ladies!) and once made out with a handsome Italian guy in an Irish karaoke bar in Rome (in my 50's) but that's about the extent of my experience with Italian men. The ones in Italy sure are handsome though.
Yes, my best of Tom Petty CD got me through my ex's affair and our reconciliation at that time. I'd play that CD and psych myself up for him coming home from work. Breakdown and also You Got Lucky :
Good love is hard to find Good love is hard to find You got lucky, babe You got lucky, babe When I found you
I saw him in concert once, after my divorce, so maybe around 2018?
I'm not much of a singer but Breakdown was one that I had worked on with my voice teacher. It's nice and low so I can generally avoid the awkward break in my voice between chest and head voice. And it fit my sassy mood that night, which is probably why I ended up making out with the handsome Italian guy.
Got a call yesterday from the husband of a long time friend. A week ago she was fine, working out in the gym. Then she suddenly became jaundiced, has been in and out of the ER/hospital for several days, suspicious area on her pancreas, stent put into the pancreatic duct. May be pancreatic cancer but no positive biopsy yet. She’s about five years younger than me.
Yup. I’m praying it will turn out to be something inflammatory/ autoimmune instead, but cancer is definitely a concern at this point. And her husband, who is a few years older than me, isn’t really in great health, he has heart disease and has had surgery on his c-spine.
If anybody is looking to watch something just super sweet that will restore your faith in love, search youtube for "soft zeenunew moments" .
They are the two stars of a Thai gay romcom, who fell in love while making the drama and have come out publicly as a couple since then. They are so adorably in love with each other, all googly eyes and giggles and tenderness. It's just clips of them IRL. I stumbled across it and it made me want to watch the drama (which is actually a little problematic but their chemistry is great). Just nice to see such genuine, sweet love between two people. Better than cat videos!
Question for those on the dating apps (my bff is considering dipping her toe in again) - I know that on Bumble, the women contact the men first. Does that mean that men only see the profiles of the women who contact them?
no. i believe men can look and like but not initiate.. But, as my ex-college roommate said, "Are you sure you want to be with a guy who waits for you to initiate? I mean, think of what that says about him."
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
The whole 24 hour thing on there sounds like a pain, anyway. I just thought there might be a benefit for her if it worked that way, since she has a public occupation.
As for this: “Are you sure you want to be with a guy who waits for you to initiate? I mean, think of what that says about him."
Well, having dated a variety of alpha males throughout my life, a beta male doesn’t sound so bad now, lol! One of the happiest marriages I know is between a musician friend who is a lot like me, and her sweet and caring beta male husband. (He even got much handsomer over the 30+ years they have been married. )
I was reading her an article describing the current apps, and her comment about Rata was that it was probably “full of narcissists” lol. I used OK Cupid in the past and liked it, but worry that it might be considered outdated now? Hinge seems to be popular, what do people think about that app?
Another song suggestion for those who want to hear beautiful voices and harmonies:
Look on youtube for Nunew Nat Lovesick Girls. Two gay Thai actor/singers doing a beautiful acoustic cover of the BlackPink song Lovesick Girls in Korean and English. Stuck in my head today. (For those who don't know, BlackPink is THE biggest Korean girl group, they're headlining at Coachella, there's a netflix documentary etc. )
I see OLD discussion going on again on another thread. I'm still not really ready for it but inching closer to being ready I think. Still in touch with Spa Guy but only occasionally.
I do have a new correspondent via a Facebook group I belong to. It's a Korean-English Language exchange group. (No, DON'T WORRY, I will NOT be starting up a long distance relationship with someone who LIVES IN KOREA lolol. That's too far even for me.). He doesn't actually seem to be a scammer, but he is a bit too bitter and depressive. However, we discuss music and he sends videos of places in Seoul where he lives (like the local bar playing 80's British music like Flock of Seagulls and the Cure lol). He gets to work on his English and I get practice in Korean. We can correct each other's grammar and spelling. We also chat on an app called Line which uses Papago to translate, so if I write a comment in English, I can see the Korean translation right away and am learning from that comparison.
Interestingly, he remembers what a big deal it was getting Hershey's chocolate bars from the American soldiers when he was a kid. Apparently that was still a big thing even in the 70's as Korea was still a very poor country at that time.
My oldest son and I went to the movie theater last Friday to see the movie version of the BTS concert in Busan (their final concert before going on hiatus to do their mandatory military service). It was SO GOOD!!!
For those of you that have HBO Max, I recommend the new show Tokyo Vice. Based (very loosely) on the true story of an American journalist who worked on a Japanese newspaper in the late 1990's, and wrote investigative journalism about the Yakuza (Japanese Mafia). One of the actors is this great young Japanese actor Show Kasamatsu - he has the most expressive face. The show is in English with occasional Japanese dialogue with subtitles.
Lol - so my Korean language exchange partner accidentally sent something in the chat app to me that was meant for someone else at 4:30 in the morning. Okay, that happens. It's a 7 hour time difference. But then he sent me NINE separate messages apologizing for waking me up LOL!!!! Dude!!!
I see OLD discussion going on again on another thread. I'm still not really ready for it but inching closer to being ready I think. Still in touch with Spa Guy but only occasionally.
Any closer to dating?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Closer but not there yet. Feeling a little bogged down with things I need to do around the house first, and with work. “If you build it they will come”, right? I need more order in my life before I invite someone in.
Meanwhile, my Korean language exchange partner called me last night. Dang! Online he’s a grumpy old man, but his voice is great. If I met a guy in the States with a voice like that, I’d be smitten. I’m a sucker for nice voices. At least it will be pleasant listening to him while we practice Korean/English together. (His spoken English is really good, but his listening skills need a lot of work. I can read a lot more Korean than I can speak, although I’m a beginner in both).
Tonight I’m going to the movies with my BFF and my old friend Survival Goddess from these boards. I think all three of us are almost ready to date again, it will be interesting to see how that works out for us! Three very smart women in their 60’s (SG worked in IT, BFF is a songwriter but also likes astrophysics). It can be a challenge to find guys who think that is an asset and not a liability.
I'm so excited! I just got presale access to try to buy tickets tomorrow to see SUGA. So many people signed up for the fan presale that they used a lottery system and many fans are waitlisted. My access code lets me try to buy them as soon as the presale starts, although it still can't guarantee tickets. My chances are pretty good though.
I never thought much about BTS before a couple of months ago. I had only seen one late-night tv performance of Dynamite and kind of wrote them off as a Korean Backstreet boys - slick pop, good but not really my jam. But now I know all about the breadth and depth of their catalogue (much more hip-hop, rap and pop-punk stuff than you would expect) and appreciate the literary references and deep themes in most of their music. (When's the last time you saw a popular musician with a reference to a Ursula LeGuin story in their music video?)
So yeah - fingers crossed, I hope I'll get to buy two tickets tomorrow for me and my oldest son (who is enjoying their music with me). It's my birthday that month - happy birthday to me!
The last couple of days, I've also been enjoying some songs by a Japanese singer-songwriter named Reiji Kawaguchi. Check out I'm a Slave for You (Japanese and some English, from the soundtrack to a quirky Japanese show I watched) and R.O.C.K.M.E. (ft. Marty James) (David Aude remix) if you want to get your dance groove on. The video for R.O.C.K.M.E. is super fun too.
I joined an online instagram kpop dance class this weekend, taught by a young Japanese guy with green hair and an iffy command of English, but he's a great teacher! I'm the oldest one in the class for sure but I could keep up! We worked on the dance break to the BTS song Idol this week. SO HARD but super fun. If you happen to know any kpop dance fans, he's on instagram as hebi_kekke and it's less that $12 US for a month of weekly classes plus access to the archive of past classes. Plus if the time of the class doesn't work for you, you can watch the video later. I'm just feeling good that at 66, I can still do all the jumping and twirling involved. This is going to be SO fun!
Saddened by the news of the death of musician David Lindley this week. I saw him perform in the early 80's. The last music gig I performed before the pandemic, in Jan 2020, was opening for him. He was hilarious backstage, quite the raconteur, and his performance was amazing. Now this weekend I have my first gig since the start of the pandemic, with the same musicians. We will be thinking of him.
Also, just heard from my business partner about a local physician, younger than us, who has just had surgery for a gigantic brain tumor. Seriously, this stuff makes me not want to put anything off. I think I'll start planning that trip to Korea sooner rather than later.
Weird experience this morning. Driving to work, blasting my BTS dance playlist on my car stereo. Today is an annual fundraising drive for burn victims, where firefighters stand on the traffic islands and collect money. I was stopped at the light and put money in the boot. The firefighter started a whole long conversation with me (Where was I going? to work. Where's that? down the street. Where? Name the town. Are you an optometrist? (Wearing my glasses) No, a physician. The red brick building? No a block down. What's your name? What's your specialty?.... )
Now maybe he was just the world's chattiest firefighter. But I swear to god, it seemed like he was flirting with me. He looked to be in his 40's, no older than 50 I'm sure. What???? Maybe it was just my happy glow from singing all these uptempo songs for the last 20 minutes on my commute to work. But it made me think my white hair may not be such an obstacle to dating as I think??? He was cute, as most firefighters seem to be. Hmmmmmm.
