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Rockon #2941089 12/21/22 04:29 PM
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Rockon,

I get the sense from your post that you're hoping if only you can figure out exactly the right way to do Christmas gifts to give W maybe she'll see the light and want to R. That's extremely unlikely.

We've been telling you to limit your interactions and conversations with her, but you keep telling us reasons why you can't. We've been advising you not to pursue. Do you think buying her special Christmas presents is giving her space or putting more expectations and pressure on the situation?

How about giving her the gift of missing you entirely? Wouldn't that communicate you're listening to what she's saying and, more importantly, her actions?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Rockon #2941091 12/21/22 04:39 PM
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RockOn,

How are your personal improvements coming along...

Did you finish that 12 week mens health program? What were the results? Are you continuing with it going forward?

What about the GAL? You were crushing it for awhile: surfing, hockey, tennis, working out, pub nights, salsa lessons, museums, library, learning to cook more delicious meals with nutritional value church good friendships....etc. Are you keeping up with it or did it fall off?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
BL42 #2941094 12/21/22 04:58 PM
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Just completed the men’s health program. Fitter, stronger, sleeping better, cooking good meals, tackling health risks with prevention and have made some new friends. Continuing now with next 6 months health goals.

Looking after my home - organized, inviting, comfortable - and completing home improvement projects.

Playing basketball and hockey. Thinking of a regular dance class or cooking class in the new year. Involved in church. Having some pub nights still. Reaching out to solid friends who help me with perspective. Also investing in my kids and also a couple of younger men to encourage them.

A break from intensive therapy for the holidays and stressors I have mentioned have been bumps in the road to navigate if I’m being honest. In reflection, I can be proud of how I am staying on track in my lane of my values and what’s important to me and doing what I need to do to get through it but it’s not really hard and I also encounter negative feelings about myself.

As far as the W gifts go I just don’t know what to do really. Don’t want to get too bogged down and make a mountain out of it just considering if it makes sense to withhold any of the gifts or correct course. When I pause and use my wise mind, I dont think there’s anything for me to say or do to “fix the problem” and make W want to R. It seems to me that she is confused and all over the place and has not said or done anything concrete to make me know she wants in.

So best for me to be a lighthouse concentrate on what I need to do and what I can control and be well.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2941096 12/21/22 05:09 PM
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RockOn,

Good stuff. Way to keep up with the exercise and GAL. Sometimes those things fall off when folks hit a down spot is it's important to stay on track. Turn that 12-week program into 6 months and then a year. Keep up with the sports, church activities, pub nights with friends. Be open to adding more like a dance or cooking class but also be wary not to pile on too much you get overwhelmed. Keep relying on your closest family and friends.

You're doing all the right things external to W, just need to focus on the detachment and giving space aspect of your R. You need to make her feel like she's losing you...that you're a man too valuable to put up with her actions.

I vote "no" on the special Christmas gifts, but that's just me.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Rockon #2941097 12/21/22 05:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Rockon
It seems to me that she is confused and all over the place and has not said or done anything concrete to make me know she wants in.
Why do you believe that her not saying or doing anything concrete to make you believe she wants in is confusion?

Doesn't sound like confusion to me at all.

NO PERSONAL GIFTS. If you have to get her anything get her a spa day with daughter or something along those lines.

Rockon #2941100 12/21/22 08:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Rockon
Ok your thoughts please...Don’t know what to do about the Christmas gifts for her.
No matter what you do with them, she will resent you for it.

My vote is to take them and donate them to the local homeless shelter, or list them on Facebook marketplace. If you really want to give them to her, then wait two years.


She fired you as husband, correct?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Rockon #2941102 12/21/22 08:55 PM
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No gifts is also my vote


No fear. Respect.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
LH19 #2941106 12/22/22 05:45 AM
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LH,
Ok well I’m confused at times but trying to take and give space. What seems to me to be her confusion is how hot and cold she can be with me, our family and her friends. Don’t know if there’s any kind of pattern to it really, and I’m not trying to diagnose. We have agreed not to talk about our R and I am trying not to engage so I’m happy about that. She has seemed be all over the place about what she wants at this stage but clear to me is that she does not want to be told what to do, she doesn’t want to be controlled, pressured or smothered. I am trying to have zero expectations and basically let her be and focus on myself.


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2941107 12/22/22 06:00 AM
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Ok I’d like your input on something else. W has mentioned several times in texts over the last several months that she is thinking of moving back home. Most of the time it’s clear she has in mind us two living in separate suites. We don't actually discuss the idea - she would just send texts that weren’t questions and weren’t things I wanted to discuss. And now thankfully we aren’t having R talks. I prefer actually that she stays at her moms. I don’t want my wife living in our house and dating other men. We are doing better here without her. I certainly am and I believe that kids are too. How do you recommend I handle this?

Last edited by Rockon; 12/22/22 06:01 AM.

M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
Rockon #2941108 12/22/22 06:31 AM
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Tell her that you have absolutely no whatsoever interest in living under the same roof under those circumstances. Since it is by text, you can respond with "Not Interested."

Spiral

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