Hello. I’ve been lurking for a couple of months. I found this place a few weeks after bomb drop. After a lot of reading about MLC here and elsewhere, I think it fits with what my husband is going through. That and the fact that, just a day before BD, he himself said that he was going through MLC.
I’m in my early 30s, H is in his late 30s. We’ve been together for over 10 years, married for 7. No kids. For the past few years, we have been long distance for work reasons, with me in Country A and H in Country B. My husband and I have very demanding careers, and our careers heavily affect our relationship. Our work involves a lot of uncertainty and international moves, especially in the early stages. I will follow up with more background in another post.
Summer 2022 We reunite after almost a year of long distance (partly COVID-induced). We have a great time (he actually said so too during BD) traveling and visiting his family (not in either Country A or B). We are both excited about the future. We talk about the new apartment he got us for the next chapter of our life together—I am moving to Country B in the fall! I’ve already shipped my stuff there.
Fall 2022 After our trip, H goes back work, and I return to Country A to wrap up some work stuff, visit my family, and apply for a visa for Country B. Just a few more weeks of long distance left before our new chapter begins. H overnights documents to me for my visa application; he wants me to be able to travel as soon as possible. He sounds extremely excited about me finally joining him. In fact, for a couple weeks, he seems in an unusually good mood, even talking in a sing-song voice. We tell each other ILY everyday (which is normal for us). We talk about having kids soon.
Then, literally overnight, his mood crashes. Complete 180. The tone of his voice is completely different. He says he doesn’t feel like he has a purpose. He feels unmotivated at work.
Over the course of the following days, he basically has a meltdown. It’s too late for him to have children, he says. He no longer has tender feelings for me. He says we haven’t really talked over the past year. He resents me. He has issues with our sex life. He hasn’t been productive for a month and it’s my fault. He thinks he wants to be alone and be responsible only for himself. We talk. No, he says, actually, he’s just blaming me. He’s sorry he said all those things. He loves me. He thinks he’s going through a midlife crisis. Maybe he’s feeling bad because his birthday is coming up soon. I try to validate (definitely could have done better though). I thank him for sharing his feelings and ask what we can do to communicate better and address our intimacy problems. He says he doesn’t want to talk about it. I say, maybe it will be easier once we are together. It’s just two more weeks before my move.
The next day, he asks me for a divorce. Over TEXT. He says he’s made up his mind, and it will seem sudden. He’s telling me over text so he can remain calm. He’s available over the phone to discuss practicalities. That’s it.
When I call him, he sounds so ANGRY. He’s adamant that there is nothing I can say to change his mind. I say I would like to have conversation in person, when I arrive in Country B. He says fine, but when I come, I cannot stay with him in the apartment. I am heartbroken. To me, this is tantamount to him kicking me out of my own home.
So I have to make last-minute plans for accommodations, which is expensive. At this point, travelers still have to quarantine, and rooms in quarantine hotels are scarce. H doesn’t offer any help. Even when I tell him that hotels are tight, and can I please stay with him if I can’t find anything, he only says “I’ll look into it.” Which is ridiculous because the plan just a few days ago was for him to stay with a friend while I quarantine in the apartment.
I make it to Country B. I quarantine in my expensive hotel. I move to an expensive AirBnB. H and I have very limited contact. Immediately after bomb drop, I sent one pursuing text message. Since then, I have been pretty much radio silent.
We meet in person once at a coffeeshop to have a conversation and H says the nuttiest things. He says he’s happy. He’s happy with his job now. He used to have a lot of anxiety (I suspect OCD) around driving, now he has no problem. He’s also a more mature person, because he now buys his own clothes and cleans the apartment (as if he wasn’t already doing these things???). He can also have an apple for dinner and no one can judge him. He doesn’t have to ask for permission to go to the bar with friends.
Our previous BD follow-up phone conversation (while I was in Country A) was very short (literally 10 minutes), so during this in-person meeting, I ask him to explain how he came to his decision. I don’t think I embodied all the ideals of DB during this conversation, but I am proud of myself for having remained calm. H, meanwhile, started to cry. He left the conversation and said we could continue it later, when we’re not in a public place.
The next week, I ask (over text) if we can meet again to continue the conversation. He says no, because our meeting made him feel bad for several days. He says maybe we can talk in 6 months or a year. He reiterates that he needs to be alone to be happy. It’s very difficult not having me in his life, but the marriage has become a burden. It will take time, but things will get better (I couldn’t tell if he was trying to comfort me or himself.)
Since then, we’ve only been in contact for business matters. He delivered stuff to me from the apartment twice. I still haven’t been to “his” apartment.
Now After being in Country B for two months, I returned to Country A for a business trip. My family is here, so I decided to stay at least through the holidays. I am not sure what I will do after that.
Two weeks ago, while I was on my business trip, H asked if we could start the divorce paperwork, and which country I wanted to do it in. I told him I need more time to think, because I haven’t even decided where I will move next. I was very annoyed that he asked me such a huge question when he KNEW that I was on a business trip.
I am really torn. I have a good support network here in Country A. Keeping a PMA and GALing would be easier if I stayed. But it feels like I would really be shutting the door on my marriage if I don’t go back to Country B.
Wrapping up It’s been 3 months since BD. I am a lot calmer now than I was in those early days. I am not prepared to make any big decisions about moving or legal stuff. Right now, I’m just trying to catch up on work and take care of myself. GAL activities: exercise, talking to friends, reading the forums, reading novels. I’ve been working on myself in IC, too. I have not initiated any contact with H and blocked him on social media. I’ve also refrained from asking mutual friends in Country B about him. I’m in limbo. And I’m deciding to not make any decisions for the time being.
(By the way, yes, I am aware that affairs are common during MLC. I try not to torture myself with speculation, but I have braced myself for the possibility.)
Welcome to the boards. I am posting the welcoming post from the MLC board as it has some extra links that will likely resonate with you, and be of benefit in this particular situation.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by DnJ; 12/03/2201:39 AM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Your H certainly has displayed a significant shift. Very MLC-like indeed. Late thirties is not unheard of for someone to unwittingly dredge up some unknown and unrealized past trauma(s).
There is usually a triggering event within 12-18 of bomb drop. A death of family parent or child or grandparent, a wedding, getting fired, etc. The trigger is major and significant to the person experiencing it, and as individual as they are.
One obvious change in his life is you two finally moving in together. He went from giddy and looking forward to it, to the opposite in record time. Of course, he may have been trying to put on a brave face for the last while, and everything just unravelled with two weeks to go.
He has an upcoming birthday in a few weeks. The pressures of mortality stir up plenty from one’s depths. As said, usually later in their fifties or so. Still, we don’t know what is going on in his mind, or how bad it is. Although, from what you’ve shared, he sounds pretty lost.
I’m glad you found this place soon after BD. And that you have been reading up on MLC. Something I’m sure you’ve read, yet should be reiterated, his MLC is not your fault. The seeds for a crisis were sown long ago, back in childhood.
Originally Posted by marching
…H says the nuttiest things. He says he’s happy. He’s happy with his job now. He used to have a lot of anxiety (I suspect OCD) around driving, now he has no problem. He’s also a more mature person, because he now buys his own clothes and cleans the apartment (as if he wasn’t already doing these things???). He can also have an apple for dinner and no one can judge him. He doesn’t have to ask for permission to go to the bar with friends.
I’m sure that sounds rather strange to you. I heard similar stuff from my W when she dropped the bomb. MLC drags folks back to their trauma, back to when they were emotionally stunted. And they need to grow ip from there/then. It’s pretty strange to see and hear, for the uninitiated; with most peripheral folks (including friends and family that don’t witness it) finding MLC to be quite unbelievable. MLC is so far from the Hollywood version. MLC is horrible!
He can have an apple for dinner, and no one can judge him. MLCers drop lots of clues. Not getting judged for an apple probably sounds rather bizarre, and I get it - it kind of is. However, that amd the other said things, are a glimpse of his psyche and inner turmoil.
Originally Posted by marching
It’s been 3 months since BD. I am a lot calmer now than I was in those early days. I am not prepared to make any big decisions about moving or legal stuff. Right now, I’m just trying to catch up on work and take care of myself. GAL activities: exercise, talking to friends, reading the forums, reading novels. I’ve been working on myself in IC, too. I have not initiated any contact with H and blocked him on social media. I’ve also refrained from asking mutual friends in Country B about him. I’m in limbo. And I’m deciding to not make any decisions for the time being.
You are doing some very good stuff. Well done!
Keep at it. Focus on you. Give H time and space. Lots of both!
Originally Posted by marching
I am aware that affairs are common during MLC. I try not to torture myself with speculation, but I have braced myself for the possibility.
Yep, staggeringly common. And affairs mean nothing! The other person is a symptom, a band-aid to a broken person. The affair partner is likely broken too.
Originally Posted by marching
I am really torn. I have a good support network here in Country A. Keeping a PMA and GALing would be easier if I stayed. But it feels like I would really be shutting the door on my marriage if I don’t go back to Country B.
Some other possible hard to hear advice. Stay in country A. PMA and GALing is easier. Good support network. Etc. Ask yourself, if you weren’t married, had no H, would you move to Country B or stay in Country A?
As you said, it feels like you’d be shutting the door on your marriage. Feelings are fleeting. You’re not shutting the door, H shut his door. You can stand for your marriage in Country A.
Make major life decisions using logic and reason, keep emotion out of it. Feelings change, and decisions based upon feelings will have their “reasons” changed. Emotional decisions often lead to regrets.
Do talk to a lawyer. Gather information. You do not need to act upon it. However, knowledge is power. Find out your rights. Which country you should divorce in, if it came to it. And so on.
Ask any questions you like. You are among folks who understand. There are many kind and compassionate people with much hard-earned wisdom on these boards.
We all need a certain amount of understand before we can move forward, detach, and let go.
I look forward to talking to you again.
Walk with grace.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi DnJ. Wow, you were ninja quick with the welcome thread. Thanks so much. Is it ok that I posted in Newcomers? It seems more active than the MLC board. If Newcomers is the wrong place to be, could I be moved to the MLC board?
I'm working on detachment. I am trying not to take this personally. I know I didn't break him, I know I can't fix him. I was a bit of a fixer during our relationship.
I do think H is depressed and, looking back, I realized I'd missed signs over the past two years. He's been complaining about living in Country B, work, aging, sleeping problems, Youtube content (yes), nothing good on Netflix, so many things. But I know that he is the only one who can address his issues.
I miss him terribly. But I guess it's kind of a relief to not be subjected to his moods all the time. (And I remind myself that, indeed, H is giving me the gift of time. I have SO much time and space to work on myself.)
Detachment would be much harder if we were living together, I think. Because of our separation, detaching, PMA, GAL are the only things I can do. Yes, these things help me maintain my sanity. But I don't know what else I can do to improve our relationship dynamics. H doesn't initiate contact. Nor do I. There is virtually no interaction. We don't even live in the same country. What can I do but let him go?
That said, I know MLC takes a long time—years. I am only 3 months out from BD. I suspect MLC has been going on for two years already though. So maybe it's a good thing that we have so much distance between us? This way, he has allllllll the space he needs to sort out his issues.
^Ah! I posted my response before I saw yours! You really are a ninja.
If I had no H, I would stay in Country A. I definitely am leaning toward staying in Country A.
Bomb drop was just a few days before his birthday. He's been complaining of feeling old for the past couple of years.
As for a possible trigger within 12-18 months of bomb drop. He got a very major promotion 1.5 years ago. He was very stressed leading up to it—the application process is extremely grueling. Anyway, he got it, and it was a huge relief. He is very young to be where he is in his career. He's extremely accomplished. After the promotion, he was unhappy and said that he didn't have any more goals. Since then, he's been feeling a bit stagnant. His started a new project that hasn't gotten very encouraging feedback.
I also wonder if visiting his family in his home country (he is not from either Country A or B) in the weeks leading up to bomb drop could have dredged up some FOO issues. He hadn't seen his family in 3 years because of COVID, and he has a very complicated relationship with them. His parents married and divorced each other twice (during his teen years no less), and his dad has alcohol problems. [Edit: We attended his sister's wedding during this trip, too.]
I forgot to mention in my first post that in the days before bomb drop (during the meltdown), he talked about wanting to quit his job and buy a farm in his home country. He knows nothing about farming and hates bugs. At first, I thought he was joking, so I laughed, and he became very hurt. Then he angrily acknowledged, "I know, I am having reckless ideas!"
Funny thing about the apple for dinner. That really felt like it came out of nowhere. But now that I am writing this, I realize that when were talking about starting a family, he said that he'd cook more and eat more healthily to be a good example for the kids. So maybe there's a connection there.
The thing is, his diet isn't that bad at all. I've never told him I thought he ate poorly. And yet—this is another realization I'm having just now—he started expressing anxiety about his eating habits in the past year or so. Which is also classic MLC.
Interesting that you say your ex also said similar things, DnJ. It makes me feel less alone and crazy to hear that.
Ninja quick. Lol. I happened to be checking and saw you posted.
You are fine to post in newcomers. You are correct, newcomers does have more traffic. Not to worry, the folks on the MLC boards do read newcomers too. Most folks visit all the different forums. If you ever do want to move over to MLC just let me know.
It’s pretty normal when looking back to see all the signs we missed. Small indications of something brewing within our spouse. Don’t beat yourself up, you honestly had no idea what was about to explode.
The basic principle of dealing with a spouse’s MLC is letting go. H is angry. He is projecting on to you, and blaming you for his pain. Realize he cannot handle his emotions right now. He cannot handle being at fault. So, with such torment, he looks around and sees you. Poof, you must be the cause he figures, in his addled mind.
Give lots of time and space. Let him burn through his anger. At some point, hopefully, he realizes “hey, marching hasn’t been around for a while AND I’m still unhappy. Hmmm. Perhaps, she wasn’t to blame after all.” Then, with some good fortune, he would look inward and work on his issues.
His path is on his time line, and you weren’t invited along on this journey with him. You’ve got your own journey to traverse now. The future is unknown and unwritten, perhaps your paths converge and merge again.
Originally Posted by marching
I don't know what else I can do to improve our relationship dynamics. H doesn't initiate contact. Nor do I. There is virtually no interaction. We don't even live in the same country. What can I do but let him go?
I empathize. (((Hugs)))
Go dim/dark, and keep conversations to business. I realize with no kids there are not too many reasons to reach out.
Did you read the lighthouse story yet? Its link is in the welcoming thread. Second last one. Pretty good direction in my opinion. You can keep the door ajar, a light in the window, and live your life. And love your life.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Welcome to the boards. It’s a safe space, full of wonderful people who will help you navigate this journey.
Quote
(By the way, yes, I am aware that affairs are common during MLC. I try not to torture myself with speculation, but I have braced myself for the possibility.)
I don’t think I’d consider it a “possibility” after reading your post. I think I’d almost call it “a dead certainty”.
Keep coming back and keep posting. It’s a wild, long ride this divorce business. You seem very level headed and calm so far … that will stand you in good stead.
DnJ, thanks so much for the wise words and encouragement. I hope to be his lighthouse, but how do I do this when there is such limited contact? During our business communications (only ever through text), I am polite and efficient. Is there a way I can show him that the door is open without pursuing? I suppose he knows that I don't want a D...
Kind18, thanks for the welcome. It's hurts to think about an affair. But I comfort myself with the wisdom shared here that MLC spouses are incapable of having healthy relationships with anyone in their current state and that the APs are very troubled people. I haven't asked H about it.
Yep, quite the rollercoaster, this MLC-divorce business. My head knows that I just need to keep moving forward, take things day by day, and focus on myself. My heart still longs for H and comes up with unlikely reconciliation scenarios.
(For example, what if H starts changing his mind over the holidays??) (I know, I know, that would be way too soon in the MLC process.)
It's taking time for my heart to catch up with my head. I'm aware of this lag and definitely do not want to make any big decisions from a place of high emotion—unlike, ahem, our MLCers.
