Wolfman Moving Forward 5

[Wolfman]

Happy Belated Thanksgiving Everyone!!! Thank you for all the support. It means a lot. Update:

Gf created such a stink about me not having my son 2 days before Thanksgiving. Using the excuse that we need to clean the house and he shouldn't come over for those 2 days (Tuesday & Wednesday). I explained to her I was not foregoing those days just to clean the house. Guess what happened? We went food shopping with my s and it was fine. No issues at all. We cleaned the entire home after my son would leave at night and go to his moms. Everything got done, had a great Thanksgiving. All of that arguing and fighting was over nothing. If she would just listen to me sometimes and trust we can get things done if we work together. From Thanksgiving on, she was sweet as pie. Honestly, not even kidding, i feel like she might be bi-polar. She literally goes from one extreme to another. Then this morning she sends me a link to read about post partum and how the man needs to be patient and understanding. If she feels she is post partum then she should go and get that checked out. I never know what person i am getting. It is mentally exhausting.

[Wolfman]

Old thread

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2937935#Post2937935

[bttrfly]

Perhaps her sending you that link is a cry for help. Perhaps it would be worth raising the issue of your concern for her health and wellbeing in your couple's counseling and offer to go with her to the doctor just to rule out the possibility that she's still in post partum.

Glad you had a great thanksgiving.

[Ginger1]

Does your son not sleep at your house ?

[DonH]

I never know what person i am getting. It is mentally exhausting.

I’m stealing this line but “how do you want to live for the rest of your life?”

Do you want to live with someone like this? This is why we need to move slower and more cautiously. Many seem “perfect” in the first months. It’s in the next 12 to 24 months that we learn who the real person is. She seems really difficult to live with. Could there be an underlying reason? Certainly. Will she change? While possible, most do not.

It’s not something you have to answer today but is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Or even the next 5 years? What about the next 5 months?

[BL42]

Wolfman,

Gf created such a stink about me not having my son 2 days before Thanksgiving. Using the excuse that we need to clean the house and he shouldn't come over for those 2 days (Tuesday & Wednesday). I explained to her I was not foregoing those days just to clean the house.

Good for you for sticking up to your GF about your relationship with your son. That is a non-negotiable.

Guess what happened? We went food shopping with my s and it was fine. No issues at all. We cleaned the entire home after my son would leave at night and go to his moms. Everything got done, had a great Thanksgiving. All of that arguing and fighting was over nothing.

Glad you had a positive result. Often times when we stand up for what's right even when there's fear of the response it's less pushback than initially feared.

If she would just listen to me sometimes and trust we can get things done if we work together.

"If she would just listen to me ..." is a concerning way to phrase it. Make sure you're not coming off patronizing in your regular interactions.

Then this morning she sends me a link to read about post partum and how the man needs to be patient and understanding. If she feels she is post partum then she should go and get that checked out.

Perhaps her sending you that link is a cry for help. Perhaps it would be worth raising the issue of your concern for her health and wellbeing in your couple's counseling and offer to go with her to the doctor just to rule out the possibility that she's still in post partum.

I agree w/bttrfly. Are you supporting her in this? Instead of putting it all on her, could you help out in some way?

I never know what person i am getting. It is mentally exhausting.

I can imagine.

It’s not something you have to answer today but is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Or even the next 5 years? What about the next 5 months?

Good question to ponder by DonH. You have a limited sample size, but it hasn't been great. Think you need to keep DB'ing and see if things improve over time, especially because of the young child, but be wary...

[Wolfman]

Does your son not sleep at your house ?

He only sleeps at my house ever other weekend. Some holidays too. Never during the week on school nights.

I never know what person i am getting. It is mentally exhausting.

I’m stealing this line but “how do you want to live for the rest of your life?”

Do you want to live with someone like this? This is why we need to move slower and more cautiously. Many seem “perfect” in the first months. It’s in the next 12 to 24 months that we learn who the real person is. She seems really difficult to live with. Could there be an underlying reason? Certainly. Will she change? While possible, most do not.

It’s not something you have to answer today but is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Or even the next 5 years? What about the next 5 months?

This is a great question. I can honestly say, I don't know. Maybe and hopefully with therapy we can iron some of these issues out. I am trying to be real patient, I am trying to be understanding. I really am trying to avoid having to baby mamas. I want the baby to have both parents in his life. At the same time, not bouncing back and forth.

The other issues could very well be her hormones. I have to speak to her about seeing a dr and having her hormones checked.

BL thank you for talking about me standing up for my son. Lately I have had my eyes open. here is something weird.

The 3 days ago out of nowhere my gf said she wanted to speak to me. She said she has a crazy proposition. She said she thinks I should go on dates with other women. I said, what? Why? She said this way I can see what else is out there and I would appreciate her more. She feels i do not appreciate her and everything she does. She mentioned taking care of the baby, doing 3 online classes, cooking on occasion, cleaning, going to my sons games. I felt like this was some kind of trap. i told her i would not do that. i said our focus is to work on our relationship not add other complexities to the situation. Deep down this made me feel like she was projecting, she wants to go out and see what else is out there. Ugh I am so confused. My marriage I was so blindsided by the divorce, so I don't know what is right and wrong. I just feel like I never know what to expect.

[bttrfly]

bring this up with her in counseling. seriously. it's a good starting point for the two of you to open discussions about deeper issues.

[BL42]

Wolfman,

She said she has a crazy proposition. She said she thinks I should go on dates with other women.

Uh oh. This is a major red flag. Seems like around here typically that proposition is the precursor to she's already found someone she wants to date, or at least wants to find someone she wants to date.

I felt like this was some kind of trap.

Sounds like it could be. The thing is you can't control her, you can only do you - so keep DB'ing.

i told her i would not do that. i said our focus is to work on our relationship not add other complexities to the situation.

Good to state it. Now you need to step back and DB like a madman.

Deep down this made me feel like she was projecting, she wants to go out and see what else is out there.

Seems likely.

Wolfman - You're in a tough situation. I don't envy it. Remember the principles...give space, detach, try to find acceptance of the situation and inner peace, and improve yourself. All you can do is control you.

[Wolfman]

We spoke with therapist the other day. She suggested a daily calendar which we have done. And a "sit down" meeting to go over the calendar. She brought up how she feels like i take her for granted. She also talked about how upset I got the day when i asked for her food stamp card to go out and buy her water. She told me no. Basically that she didn't trust me with it. Not sure what i am going to do, buy lobster? She has let me use it before. I explained to the therapist why i got so mad at this. I said there is a double standard. She can tell me know and do what she wants but if i do it, there is a problem. The example I gave her, the other day we were at a friends house and eating pizza on their front porch. I grabbed some plates to throw them out in the house, She asked me to take the baby to throw out the garbage. I said no, why would i bring the baby with me to throw out garbage. To make a long story short, she was mad at me for saying no. I said so she can tell me no, yet if i say no, there is a problem. The therapist asked her why i would take the baby to throw out garbage? She said she needed a break with the baby. She said did you tell him that? She said no. The therapist explained how important communication is. How can she expect me or her to read each others mind. It "opened' gf eyes a little about the double standard.

Other than that things are ok.

[BL42]

Wolfman,

We spoke with therapist the other day. She suggested a daily calendar which we have done. And a "sit down" meeting to go over the calendar.

Great idea. Having a regular discussion to look out at the day or week would also facilitate communication and help eliminate confusion. Have you tried a digital calendar on Google or Apple? You each have your own and share out to each other, so you can see both. Makes logistics and scheduling much easier. I use it even for just me and the kids to mark their events in different colors.

The therapist explained how important communication is. How can she expect me or her to read each others mind.

Hopefully this IC is helping on the communication front - sounds like with examples of the groceries and baby time you two need to get better in this area.

Other than that things are ok.

No offense, and wishing you all the best, but not sure this is true. You have some major issues to work out.

[bttrfly]

did you mention to the therapist that gf made the suggestion that you date someone else? i'd be interested in the therapist's take on that.

I agree with bl - you've got a lot to sort through. i get wanting a break maybe or wanting to celebrate the 10% but don't sweep things under the rug.

[bttrfly]

ththat = that
rake = take

(Typos corrected - DnJ.)

[Wolfman]

Other than that things are ok.

No offense, and wishing you all the best, but not sure this is true. You have some major issues to work out.[/quote]

I just meant for the moment things were ok, not overall. LOL not even close.

did you mention to the therapist that gf made the suggestion that you date someone else? i'd be interested in the therapist's take on that.

I agree with bl - you've got a lot to sort through. i get wanting a break maybe or wanting to celebrate the 10% but don't sweep things under the rug.

I will mention it to the therapist. I am curious myself to see what she will say.

Overall pretty good weekend. Communication is getting better, just very slowly.

Completely different question. Ever once in a while sadness creeps in about my d. I just miss her so much. I can't help but feel how much time I am missing with her. I literally pray for the day I can talk to her and just give her a hug. I guess my question is, is it normal that every once and a while the sadness creeps in. No one knows, nor would I show that emotion to anyone. I just wonder sometimes what she is doing or who her friends are. It just hurts sometimes so bad.

Sometimes when that creeps in I just try and focus on the ones I love and who love me. I just love seeing the baby and my s together. They absolutely love each other. It is such a wonderful feeling. I am so happy my son was not brainwashed by my ex into not having a relationship with his brother.

[BL42]

Wolfman,

Completely different question. Ever once in a while sadness creeps in about my d. I just miss her so much. I can't help but feel how much time I am missing with her. I literally pray for the day I can talk to her and just give her a hug. I guess my question is, is it normal that every once and a while the sadness creeps in. No one knows, nor would I show that emotion to anyone. I just wonder sometimes what she is doing or who her friends are. It just hurts sometimes so bad.

That must be incredibly difficult. I often have those feelings when I can't see the kids on my off weekends, and that's just a short period of time...not an extended one like you and your D. I think your feelings of sadness there are completely normal and justified. Hang in there.

Sometimes when that creeps in I just try and focus on the ones I love and who love me. I just love seeing the baby and my s together. They absolutely love each other. It is such a wonderful feeling. I am so happy my son was not brainwashed by my ex into not having a relationship with his brother.

Focusing on the ones you do see is a great approach, but doesn't make missing your D any less valid.

[Wolfman]

Thank you BL42 for that. i appreciate it.

I have a situation I need advice on. For the last week things have been very good. Yesterday gf's parents came over. He dad helped with a problem I had with one of my bathroom sinks. After we took care of it we had dinner together. At the end of dinner i was talking to her father about a situation at my job. Her dad and i are in the same field so we can relate. The gist of the conversation was about kids and anxiety and kids going late to school. Gf brought up about a situation we had about 2 weeks ago. How my s had a basketball game but eh game was at 5. So, it was my day with my s (he is 12) and i had to pick him up from school then bring him back for his game. Then would of had to drop him off at his school then go back and pick up gf and baby so they could see the game. Side note: from the time i dropped off my son to his game it was 45 minutes before it would start and we didn't want to wait around with the baby before the game and i only live 15 minutes from my sons school. Gf wanted my son to stay after school and just go to either a random after school program or just go and sit in the school library. This way i didn't have to go back and forth. i told her my son doesn't want to stay after school for a program or just go to the library and that I didn't mind picking him up. She was insisting that my s should just stay after anyway and i shouldn't be going back and forth. I said to her he doesn't want to stay after he wants to come home with me. Well it went back and forth for a little while. Finally I made arrangements for my son to go to a friends house who is also on the basketball team and they drove him to the game and then we went.
fast forward to last night how she brought that up to her dad how imy son should stay after school and either go to a program or just go to the library. She was hoping to get her support and I guess "use" that against me. Well he disagreed with her. She became very upset that she did not have his support.At one point during the conversation, it went in a little bit of a different direction because she was talking about how if our son ever wanted anything from her she would do it, no matter what he needed. Gf's dad said wait a second, so you can do whatever the baby wants or needs but if i do it for my s then that is wrong? He said isn't that a little contradictory? She tried to argue thats not what she meant, he repeated exactly what she said how it was a little hippocritical how its ok for her to do something but not me. After a while her dad got annoyed and said that was enough and decided to leave. Yet now she was mad at me. She wouldn't talk to me, I went to bed and when she came in started to make a lot of noise on purpose, even took the child monitor and moved it to my side. She has never done that. Then just a little while ago i get this text:

I feel unimportant. I am frustrated with feeling like I'm the only one expected to make sacrifices. i can't think of a time i've asked you to make a sacrifice for me and it was done without a fight. Im realizing this is a losing battle for me and i just have to accept it. In accepting this, im sacrificing my happiness just to keep the peace. i dont want to argue. My hope is that one day you will understand how I feel and take that into consideration.

How do I answer this? Please help

[BL42]

What is GFs relationship with her dad like?

[Wolfman]

What is GFs relationship with her dad like?

It’s pretty good. She only really listens to her dad. But if they do t agree on something it can get ugly.

Did everyone give up on me? I really need people to talk to.

[Ginger1]

We can’t tell you how to answer. We only hear one side of the story here. She tells you that you don’t sacrifice for her, you tell us all you do is sacrifice for her.

All I know from what you write here, your wife of the story, is that she does not value your son and she wants you to value her and your child with her above your son. And you already lost your daughter. And I wouldn’t be surprised if it really was due to your GF.

From what YOU write, no matter what you do and how much you sacrifice it’s never enough. So you need to make a decision on what you need to do and what is important to you

[LH19]

Wolfy what I would do is sit down and have a conversation with her about moving forward. Validate her feelings of feeling unimportant. Apologize for not stating upfront that your kids are your number one priority. Ask her if she sees a path forward with you putting your kids and her as top priorities. If she says "yes" ask her what that looks like moving forward. If it's acceptable say great lets work towards that together. If it is not than tell her and counter offer what it will look like to you. Come to a compromise if possible. If you can't compromise or she says "no" to a path forward than ask where what she thinks the next move is for the two of you.

[DonH]

Wolf I’ve mentioned in other posts a national radio doc I first heard in my early days of working in radio some 40 years ago. She’s still on the radio, currently XM. She very often states the largest reason for failed Rs in second marriages is due to children from the previous R. She will never feel the same way about your children as she does about the child you and her have together. If the house is on fire and she can only save one child is there any doubt in your mind who it will be?

She clearly wants a man with no previous children. That’s very unlikely to change. Your kids are suffering because if it. They already have had their life ripped apart. Now they have lost you to her. I totally agree with G you losing your D is very likely due to her. If you are accurate in what you tell us, she seems like a huge spoiled brat. Daddies little princess I’m guessing. Even when he doesn’t bow down to her, you see how she responds. She wants her way. She doesn’t want to compromise. She got involved and got knocked up by a newly divorced man with previous children. Now she wants him to abandon these children. Sounds like a dream girl. Of course that’s sarcasm because it sounds like a nightmare with a spoiled little brat that has a whole lot of growing up to do.

But I’m just going to be honest here - you put yourself in this sitch. We told you not to date so fast, not to get involved so fast. You knew better. Now you’re in the sitch you are in. And yet another child is going to be impacted. So what do you do? That’s a huge question - likely above our pay grade to answer. If we take what you say at full face value, she’s got a lot of growing up to do. People often don’t change. They are who they are. That’s why it’s so very important to choose wisely. I don’t know how to change her. If the only answer is to throw your previous kids away to try to make her happy the price is way too high. My advice is you DO NOT sacrifice your S in hopes of making her happy. There are ways to show her you value her without putting your kids last. She needs to learn how to share. I suspect that’s something she’s never done. Is she an inky child by any chance?

I wish I had better advice. Perhaps tune to XM 111 this afternoon and listen the advice given.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Wolf

I agree with LH. Sit down with GF and have a conversation with her.

I would suggest a few things. Ensure son is napping. Sit down with her. Take your phone out and shut it off! In front of her. Then start off with something like: GF, I am sorry you feel unimportant. You are very important to me, and I apologize for not displaying that often enough. You have my complete and undivided attention, and I am willing to listen.

There are many subjects that are likely to be brought up. Be open and listen. Be sincere. Do not focus on fixing the things as much as learning about the things. Let her suggest, and listen to her suggestions for solutions and resolution to the present troubles.

Communication is key to everything. GF is still talking to you. She hopes you’ll understand how she feels. Validate her feelings and gently prompt her to expand upon them. She’s needs to lead that. It’s her feelings after all.

Where this all leads is unknown. Let it be unknown. Act as if. Go forward with a positive attitude and view that you and her can communicate sincerely and openly.

We often make our fate through the smallest of intent. If you go at this believing it is going to fail, it likely will. Small subconscious mannerisms will influence in that direction. And likewise, positive usually begets positive. And positive is a much better mindset for interactions.

D

[Ginger1]

May I also suggest you get like 200 steps ahead? Consult a lawyer find out your rights about your baby, custody, support, your GF living with you.

Seriously plan like this is going to end. You need to have something in place

[Wolfman]

We can’t tell you how to answer. We only hear one side of the story here. She tells you that you don’t sacrifice for her, you tell us all you do is sacrifice for her.

All I know from what you write here, your wife of the story, is that she does not value your son and she wants you to value her and your child with her above your son. And you already lost your daughter. And I wouldn’t be surprised if it really was due to your GF.

From what YOU write, no matter what you do and how much you sacrifice it’s never enough. So you need to make a decision on what you need to do and what is important to you

You hit the nail on the head. It’s never enough. I do and I do and I do, it doesn’t matter. I am going to make sure my s knows I love him and that he is number 1. If she can’t get over that or understand then she needs to make a decision.

[Wolfman]

Wolfy what I would do is sit down and have a conversation with her about moving forward. Validate her feelings of feeling unimportant. Apologize for not stating upfront that your kids are your number one priority. Ask her if she sees a path forward with you putting your kids and her as top priorities. If she says "yes" ask her what that looks like moving forward. If it's acceptable say great lets work towards that together. If it is not than tell her and counter offer what it will look like to you. Come to a compromise if possible. If you can't compromise or she says "no" to a path forward than ask where what she thinks the next move is for the two of you.

I love this. Thank you. I will definitely do all of that. This relationship has to “break” meaning we come to an understanding of what our roles are and how this relationship will be of we will go our separate ways. Thank you!!! 😁

[Wolfman]

Wolf I’ve mentioned in other posts a national radio doc I first heard in my early days of working in radio some 40 years ago. She’s still on the radio, currently XM. She very often states the largest reason for failed Rs in second marriages is due to children from the previous R. She will never feel the same way about your children as she does about the child you and her have together. If the house is on fire and she can only save one child is there any doubt in your mind who it will be?

She clearly wants a man with no previous children. That’s very unlikely to change. Your kids are suffering because if it. They already have had their life ripped apart. Now they have lost you to her. I totally agree with G you losing your D is very likely due to her. If you are accurate in what you tell us, she seems like a huge spoiled brat. Daddies little princess I’m guessing. Even when he doesn’t bow down to her, you see how she responds. She wants her way. She doesn’t want to compromise. She got involved and got knocked up by a newly divorced man with previous children. Now she wants him to abandon these children. Sounds like a dream girl. Of course that’s sarcasm because it sounds like a nightmare with a spoiled little brat that has a whole lot of growing up to do.

You are absolutely correct. She acts like a spoiled brat and when she doesn't get her away she throw a "temper tantrum". Like I said in other posts, she didn't understand what it meant to date someone with kids. Because I lived with my parents and she didn't see the kids all the time and the sacrifices I made. I would have thought us having our own child she would have understood what in meant to have kids and how important they are. If anything it made it worse.

Good Morning Wolf

I agree with LH. Sit down with GF and have a conversation with her.

I would suggest a few things. Ensure son is napping. Sit down with her. Take your phone out and shut it off! In front of her. Then start off with something like: GF, I am sorry you feel unimportant. You are very important to me, and I apologize for not displaying that often enough. You have my complete and undivided attention, and I am willing to listen.

Communication is key to everything. GF is still talking to you. She hopes you’ll understand how she feels. Validate her feelings and gently prompt her to expand upon them. She’s needs to lead that. It’s her feelings after all.

I have done these things, said these things too. She wants full control and I just have to listen and thats it. I want to be honest with all of you. She is very very attractive. She gets a lot of attention. So, guys she dated in the past did whatever she wanted. 2 things about this. Of course at the beginning a lot of men will do that to get in the pants. 2. She never had a relationship over a year. So she thinks men should and will do whatever she wants. That is not a relationship. Its give and take, its about compromises. She doesn't get that, she is just used to getting her way. Not for nothing I give her a lot of things that I don't always agree with.

May I also suggest you get like 200 steps ahead? Consult a lawyer find out your rights about your baby, custody, support, your GF living with you.

Seriously plan like this is going to end. You need to have something in place

I think you are right about this. Ugh i am so sad. But I have no one to blame but myself. I hope newbies read my situation and learn and don't make the same mistakes I have made.

[Dawn70]

I may be misremembering or misunderstanding your overall sitch, but as best I recall, at one point, you were on the road to breaking up with this woman for many of the same reasons you point out now (her tantrums, unrealistic expectations) and then found out she was pregnant so you stuck it out.

I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but I hope people go back and read that part and see it as a cautionary tale.

I feel for you, Wolf. While I do agree that sitting her down to have an open and honest discussion where you validate (and make sure that you have your phones off so she has your undivided attention), I am not sure that is going to get you where you want to be because of her attitude. She's shown you time and again that she thinks your children don't matter. This has already caused you to lose your daughter and may cost you your son as well, not to even mention the baby you share with her. I also get the sense that she really doesn't care if you prioritize her child as long as you prioritize her. She seems to be pretty dead set on how you must treat her and how you have to do this and that and sacrifice. Of course, we are only hearing one side of the story and I'd bet her side is wildly different from hers.

My advice echoes Ginger's. GET A LAWYER! Prepare for the ultimate end. Yes, it is sad, but man, if you don't get out in front of all of this now, she's going to do a number on you and you'll never see that baby again.

While it is noble that you stayed with her for the sake of the baby, is it really worth it? You were already going to break up with her. This should be a lesson to anyone who reads it that getting pregnant never solves an issue.

[kml]

1) Validate, validate, validate. Her feelings are her feelings. Doesn't mean you have to say you're wrong when you're not, just acknowledge her feelings.

2) Yes to finding out your legal status and how best to protect yourself if this goes south.

3) You "do and do and do" but maybe you aren't speaking HER Love Language? I did lots of things for my ex but Acts of Service was not his Love Language - Quality Time was, I needed to spend more time NOT multitasking and listening raptly to him lol.

4) I'm glad her dad took your side in this case.

[Wolfman]

I may be misremembering or misunderstanding your overall sitch, but as best I recall, at one point, you were on the road to breaking up with this woman for many of the same reasons you point out now (her tantrums, unrealistic expectations) and then found out she was pregnant so you stuck it out.

While it is noble that you stayed with her for the sake of the baby, is it really worth it? You were already going to break up with her. This should be a lesson to anyone who reads it that getting pregnant never solves an issue.

That is correct. I wanted to break up with her. But the baby keeps me there. I love that little guy so much. Honestly I am afraid if we did break up she will stop me from seeing the baby. This is so hard.

[DonH]

I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but I hope people go back and read that part and see it as a cautionary tale.

I actually did exactly that, this AM for a couple hours. Clearly I need to get a life I just wanted to remember accurately. And I had but it was even worse. It was about 2 years ago where Wolf was pretty much in the same place he is now only the baby was still baking. It is very much a cautionary tale - one Wolf appears to for the most part admit.

Sadly this story is repeated over and over and over again both by those visiting here and across the world. Started dating while still married even after being repeatedly warned here not to. Didn’t want to be alone and sought out other women. Thought this one was perfect. I’m wondering how much her looks played into it. Then when life got real she showed who she really was so they were about to or did split. Days later she claimed pregnant to which many here called BS. She wasn’t making it up though.

In reading back Daughter clearly pulled back when OW was found out. To which OW now GF encouraged Wolf to drop his daughter and not look back. So she was acting like this back then already. At least showing signs of it. Was it going to get better? Was that the Hope?

I don’t want to beat up on Wolf. But for anyone reading along, this happens all the time. Don’t think you’ll be different.

- Don’t date for at least a year after D - for sure don’t get into an R
- children will often spell success/failure in second or third marriages
- consider putting all focus on raising kids to 18 before getting into an R
- If you do date, do not introduce kids for 6 months minimum
- choose wisely! You won’t see who someone really is for as long as 2 years
- do not risk bringing another life into the world. Pregnancy can be avoided.

As for you Wolf, you really do need to start protecting yourself. You can also try validating and working this all out but the chances of success are not good. If it does not last you need to stop dating and learn to be happy by yourself. The last thing you’ll need is for any of this to repeat again.

[BL42]

DonH,

- consider putting all focus on raising kids to 18 before getting into an R

I think this is great a great suggestion DonH and certainly ideal. I'd like to do it for my kids, but my kids were S4 & D1 at BD and are S7 & D4 now. 14 more years is a long time to not have a companion, yet it's hard to see things integrating smoothly either - though I guess people do it all the time. I guess time will tell.

[BL42]

Wolfman,

You got a lot of great feedback from a half dozen of the most experienced posters, and they all pretty much hit it on the head, so not sure how much more I can add. I'd re-read the posts from Ginger, LH, DonH, DnJ, Dawn70, and kml a few times if I were you.

The only thing I will say is the same thing I've already stated a handful of times on your thread which is...make sure your kids are your #1 priority and if GF can't accept you have other children and is trying to pit you against them than the relationship will never work and you need to stand up for your R with your children first and foremost.

Also, I'd consult an L to see if your child with GF being a baby might jeopardize 50/50 for you as the father if the court would be biased to the mother at that young age and if that is the case maybe you string things along a bit until equal custody is no longer a factor.

[Ginger1]

DonH,

- consider putting all focus on raising kids to 18 before getting into an R

I think this is great a great suggestion DonH and certainly ideal. I'd like to do it for my kids, but my kids were S4 & D1 at BD and are S7 & D4 now. 14 more years is a long time to not have a companion, yet it's hard to see things integrating smoothly either - though I guess people do it all the time. I guess time will tell.

Yeah, I don’t think it’s fair for someone with kids who are babies when you get a divorce. Me for example. Obviously , I never went on to remarry or have a very LTR, but to say to not have any focus on York own relationship is just not feasible .

Many do go on to have healthy relationships and blend well. Maybe not perfectly, but doing things smart is the key.

[Wolfman]

I am going to re-read the info here. I really hope anyone reading this wil not make the same mistakes I have made. I was right there with you newbies. I thought I could handle a new relationship. I wanted the pain to go away. I used another person to make that pain go away, yet I wasn't ready for another relationship. I had blinders on to the red flags, I ignored them because I wanted so bad to be loved and to give love to someone. But in doing so, I have only made my situation more complex and unfortunately have affected other peoples lives because of my poor decision. I beg the newbies to read my situation and learn from it.

Right now I am so depressed that another relationship is failing. Granted it should of never happened, but i am here and have to deal with the situation at hand. It is so hard when one person NEVER feels they are wrong are have done anything wrong. I hear everyone with the validate, but my question is how? How do I validate when "everything" is my fault. Granted some things are my fault, I am no angel. I own up to those things and apologize. But everything? I am so scared of the future!!!

[LH19]

I hear everyone with the validate, but my question is how? How do I validate when "everything" is my fault. Granted some things are my fault, I am no angel. I own up to those things and apologize. But everything?

Wolf you have to have tough conversations for relationships to work. You also need boundaries and deal breakers. Not every relationship should continue.

[DonH]

Yeah, I don’t think it’s fair for someone with kids who are babies when you get a divorce.

Is it fair to the baby or the children involved? They had no choice in any of this. At least the parents had a choice in who they married or had babies with. That’s why it’s so very important to choose wisely. The child never had that choice and it’s clearly not fair to them. I get that it can be very difficult and probably not the best for the mom and dad, but it is the best for the children involved. I’m not saying I’d be able to do it. It would without a doubt be very difficult to do. Thing is sometimes the right things are also the most difficult.

The second thing is for both the divorced parents to make the child’s life as normal as possible. Holidays together, birthdays. Etc. parenting together. Keeping them out if the middle.

Whether by choice or not Ginger you have done all of this. Was it fair to you? Not in the slightest. Was it fair to your daughter? Absolutely!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Wolf

Granted some things are my fault, I am no angel. I own up to those things and apologize.

Good. Apologize and own your things.

…my question is how? How do I validate when "everything" is my fault.

It’s about giving credence to the other’s emotions. Realizing that their view is important and true for them. Not defending your view.

“I see how you would feel that.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Of course, when the other is unjustifiably blaming, or the quantity of said blame is just so voluminous to even be reasonable, add a truth dart and bit of reality to it.

Perhaps a possible recent example.

“I’m sorry you felt unheard. However, you and your Dad were the ones not hearing each other. Dragging me into this is uncalled for.”

Open dialog is needed. And at times, that dialog can be difficult. Yet, that difficult conversation is what is often required to get to the crux of a situation.

And boundaries are often required to keep dialog respectful.

D

[Ginger1]

Yeah, I don’t think it’s fair for someone with kids who are babies when you get a divorce.

Is it fair to the baby or the children involved? They had no choice in any of this. At least the parents had a choice in who they married or had babies with. That’s why it’s so very important to choose wisely. The child never had that choice and it’s clearly not fair to them. I get that it can be very difficult and probably not the best for the mom and dad, but it is the best for the children involved. I’m not saying I’d be able to do it. It would without a doubt be very difficult to do. Thing is sometimes the right things are also the most difficult.

The second thing is for both the divorced parents to make the child’s life as normal as possible. Holidays together, birthdays. Etc. parenting together. Keeping them out if the middle.

Whether by choice or not Ginger you have done all of this. Was it fair to you? Not in the slightest. Was it fair to your daughter? Absolutely!

Let me clarify. The way wolf did it, it’s an absolute no. Entering a relationship I’m a way at a healthy point doesn’t have to be negative for kids. It could be an absolutely positive. Choosing wisely ks very important .

[kml]

Validating is about making the other person feel heard, not about admitting they were right.

"That must feel terrible to think that"
"I'm sorry that you feel that way"
"I didn't mean that in that way"
" Do you feel (X,Y,Z)?"
"It was not my intention for you to feel that way"

Others can recommend more sentences.

When you are defending yourself, you are invalidating what she's saying. Not that you can't defend yourself, but not always at the same time you are validating how she feels.

All this being said - it's possible that she is not an emotionally mature enough person to make this work. That's something you will find out in the future. But I do think that trying to make it work right now, until your baby is older, is probably a good strategy (check with your lawyer). Continuing to go to therapy together may be your best chance if this relationship is salvageable.

[LH19]

"That must feel terrible to think that"
"I'm sorry that you feel that way"
"I didn't mean that in that way"
" Do you feel (X,Y,Z)?"

Sorry K but for the readers at home those statements above are not very good validation examples.

I can see that you are very upset that was not my intention.
Here's what I'm hearing you say. You feel unappreciated.
I guess that must have been hard for you.
I can see you are making an effort.
I can see how hard you are working.

[DnJ]

A good resource:

Validation: Cheat Sheet

[Wolfman]

Thank you all. Real quick before I go to bed.
Gf just said to me, That she wants to feel like number 1. And that she should not be competing with a 12 year old to be number 1. I am her woman and I should make her feel that way. She said instead and your son is, then drew on a piece of paper “#1”. I said I am sorry I made you feel that way, but everyone is number 1. The other thing she said earlier on. That she thinks she might need some time away, and that she would take the baby with her away for a month. With this conversation, I will be reaching out to a lawyer tomorrow. I did not want to argue with her. It only would have escalated and got bad.

[BL42]

Wolfman,

Gf just said to me, That she wants to feel like number 1. And that she should not be competing with a 12 year old to be number 1.

He is your son, not a female best friend - your GF should not be in competition with your child.

she thinks she might need some time away, and that she would take the baby with her away for a month.

Um...no. A month is a really long time. Maybe if things were wonderful and you had no worries, but with her behavior that'd be a real concern. Don't let her take your kid away for a month, have that turn into 2 or 6 months, and then let that be the "norm" for the family court judge to consider making her the primary custodian.

With this conversation, I will be reaching out to a lawyer tomorrow.
Good! It's overdue imo.

[quote=Wolfman]I did not want to argue with her. It only would have escalated and got bad.

Good. Way to not argue/debate/escalate.

Wolfman - Just make sure to protect yourself and your R with your children. That should really be your only goal at the moment.

[kml]

I’m wondering, where is she planning on going for a month? And with what money?

As for the ridiculous immaturity of her competing with your children, I can’t even. Let that be a cautionary tale for the other guys here about dating young women.

[DnJ]

Hi Wolf

I agree with BL and kml. Don’t go along with her ill-thought out plan of taking off with the baby for a month.

And yes, where would she go? How would she get there? Pay for things? Like food, diapers, and such.

Glad you are going to speak with a lawyer.

Take care man.

D

[LH19]

I would let her go wherever she wants for however long she wants but make it clear you will be having the baby with you 50% or whatever schedule works for you. Also make it clear you will not be funding this break. Call your lawyer today.

[Wolfman]

Wolfman,

Gf just said to me, That she wants to feel like number 1. And that she should not be competing with a 12 year old to be number 1.

He is your son, not a female best friend - your GF should not be in competition with your child.

she thinks she might need some time away, and that she would take the baby with her away for a month.

Um...no. A month is a really long time. Maybe if things were wonderful and you had no worries, but with her behavior that'd be a real concern. Don't let her take your kid away for a month, have that turn into 2 or 6 months, and then let that be the "norm" for the family court judge to consider making her the primary custodian.

With this conversation, I will be reaching out to a lawyer tomorrow.
Good! It's overdue imo.

[quote=Wolfman]I did not want to argue with her. It only would have escalated and got bad.

Good. Way to not argue/debate/escalate.

Wolfman - Just make sure to protect yourself and your R with your children. That should really be your only goal at the moment.

The month thing, she is out of her mind. That is why I am reaching out to a lawyer today about my rights. Its sad it got to this. Lets this be a reminder to the newbies here. Share my story, please i don't want anyone else to go through this.

I’m wondering, where is she planning on going for a month? And with what money?

As for the ridiculous immaturity of her competing with your children, I can’t even. Let that be a cautionary tale for the other guys here about dating young women.

She has family in another country and she plans on going there. So housing and food will not be a problem for her. She does have some money saved from her previous job. Remember I have been paying for everything. She can afford the plane ticket.

I asked her this question yesterday in that conversation. If we broke up, and you were dating someone else, who would be "#1" in your life? The new man or the baby? She replied that is different. I said how? She refused to answer then went back to how she should be #1 in my life. And if she found another man how he would make her and the baby #1. Ugh she is living in a fantasy world.

[DnJ]

I asked her this question yesterday in that conversation. If we broke up, and you were dating someone else, who would be "#1" in your life? The new man or the baby? She replied that is different. I said how? She refused to answer then went back to how she should be #1 in my life. And if she found another man how he would make her and the baby #1. Ugh she is living in a fantasy world.

I’m glad you asked that. Pointing it out to her. Good for you.

[kml]

Another country? Oh hell no. International custody disputes are a nightmare.

Does the baby even have a passport? I believe in the US both parents have to sign off on a passport for a child. Def see a lawyer.

[Wolfman]

Another country? Oh hell no. International custody disputes are a nightmare.

Does the baby even have a passport? I believe in the US both parents have to sign off on a passport for a child. Def see a lawyer.

He does have a passport. She is not a citizen of that country. She was born and raised here.

[Ginger1]

I asked you if she was from a different country? Her family is clearly in a different country and this is why I asked . I had a feeling she was going to do this.

Lawyer up immediately. Do not wait a second more

[BL42]

Wolfman,

She has family in another country and she plans on going there.

Another country? Oh hell no. International custody disputes are a nightmare.

I'm with kml here. Be very wary of your kid leaving the country. Maybe she'd come back in a month...or perhaps she gets comfortable living off of family and goes out on a date or two and decides to stay there and you spend the next couple years trying to see your child. Given the current state of your relationship and her actions I wouldn't risk it.

Does the baby even have a passport? I believe in the US both parents have to sign off on a passport for a child. Def see a lawyer.

He does have a passport. She is not a citizen of that country. She was born and raised here.

Just curious mostly...why the passport at a young age? We took a couple international vacations with my son so he's had one, but my daughter doesn't. Not sure where you're located...maybe near a border you have to cross over from time to time?

[Wolfman]

I was just talking to a buddy and he approached my situation from a very different perspective. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage. His wife passed away. He got remarried and now has 3 kids. He explained to me I need to see it from her eye. Because he has had this problem with his current wife. As far as spending time time with his 2 who are 15 & 13 from the previous the other 3 from current marriage are 5,3,1. How he believes there has to be times that I pick the baby over my s12. He explained to me just going to mys12 basketball games and leaving is not quality time with my son. That maybe miss on a rare occasion if there is something that needs to be done for the baby. Tell my s12 that instead of going to the game, doing something together one on one. Make that quality time. He really got me to step back for a second and look at this through a different lense. What do some of you think of that idea?
One of the things I never said on here which I recognize today is my fault is this. 2 years ago when gf was pregnant she got COVID. I had plans with my son to go upstate for 3 days with a buddy and his son. I didn't want to let my son down so I left her home while she was pregnant and very sick. She brings that up. I am sharing this because again, I recognize I have made mistakes and some of these decisions have caused her resentment. That has grown inside of her. Another time I promised my son to take him to a theme park during one of the vacation weeks I had him.. She had a paper due that week. She asked once she was done to take him a day after that. I had promised my son at the beginning of the week. So I took him anyway. Obvioulsy she was very upset with that. I am sharing this to hopefully help everyone out to my situation and why she is so frustrated and says the things she does.

[LH19]

How he believes there has to be times that I pick the baby over my s12.

Don't you have 50/50 custody of your son? That means 50% of the time you can make W and baby number 1.

I am sharing this to hopefully help everyone out to my situation and why she is so frustrated and says the things she does.

Truth be told Wolf we all knew we were getting your version and not hers and there was more to it. So I think at this point Wolf if Wolf and isn't going to change. Do you see anyway you can make real changes to turn this around?

[Kind18]

One of the things I never said on here which I recognize today is my fault is this. 2 years ago when gf was pregnant she got COVID. I had plans with my son to go upstate for 3 days with a buddy and his son. I didn't want to let my son down so I left her home while she was pregnant and very sick. She brings that up. I am sharing this because again, I recognize I have made mistakes and some of these decisions have caused her resentment.

That’s such BS.

Resentment does NOT get built because people make selfish choices. Resentment gets built because people don’t say what they need/want, and choose to sulk about it after.

I’m sure if she was incredibly sick you would not have chosen to go.

Yes, maybe it was an inconsiderate choice - I’m not denying it definitely wasn’t your finest hour - but you did it for a reason, because you didn’t want to let your son down.

She had the option of saying “I really need/want you to stay home with me when I’m sick, please don’t go” and she didn’t (unless she did and you haven’t told us).

IMHO this “resentment” phase that WS/WAW cling to is just a bullsh*t excuse for people who choose to stay silent and then want to retrospectively blame.

If she says “don’t go, I need you here” and you stay home - everyone is happy.
If she says “don’t go, I need you here” and you leave anyway, well that’s on you and she has a right to resentment.
If you go so you don’t break a promise to your son and she chooses to say nothing and doesnt explain want she wants or needs, she has no right to resentment against you.

Look, none of us are, or were, perfect partners. But don’t fall into the trap of blaming yourself for everything and taking responsibility for HER resentment.

It serves no purpose.

[BL42]

Wolfman,

He explained to me just going to mys12 basketball games and leaving is not quality time with my son. That maybe miss on a rare occasion if there is something that needs to be done for the baby. Tell my s12 that instead of going to the game, doing something together one on one. Make that quality time.

It means a good deal to kids to show up at their events. It's my 3rd year of coaching S7's sports teams and he loves and takes pride in that. Even just going to a game means a great deal. He wants my parents to come see him, and even D4 asked my mom if she would come to her Christmas concert.

I'm totally with your friend about doing other one-on-one activities for quality time, but it's not necessarily an either or thing. My take is your kid with GF is a baby...might as well take the baby to the game and watch together. That way you see your son's games AND spend time with baby (and GF should she choose). My D4 goes to S7's events, even though they're not hers - actually wants to and asks for it.

Just my $0.02.

How he believes there has to be times that I pick the baby over my s12.

Don't you have 50/50 custody of your son? That means 50% of the time you can make W and baby number 1.

And I totally agree with LH's point here that your baby and GF already have 50% of the time where they can be your main priority and don't even need to "compete" with your son.

Therefore it's fair to make son a focus when you do have the opportunity - doesn't mean baby (and GF if she chooses) can't be a part of that (e.g., all going to the game together).

[Wolfman]

Hello everyone. It’s been a little while. Here is a situation that happened with my ex. It never ends!!

On my cell phone provider app they occasionally do giveaways for NBA, NHL, NFL and concerts. It’s a timer that counts down and first person to hit the button wins the tickets. After many tries for many events and games, my son and I won 2 tickets to an NBA game. He was supper excited, like we just won the lotto. After we won, I looked at the date, it’s a day he is with his mom. I said to him, you mom would have to agree to me having you that day. He was confident she would. To make a long story short. I emailed her about the game, and was willing to switch a day with her(even though she still owes me 4 make up days) and included another option of him coming home with me after the game, and I would take him to school the following day. She said no to me, my son asked too. She said no to him. She won’t let him go because it’s her day regardless of the tickets he won. Oh they are 19 rows back off the court. I can’t even express how mad and upset I am for my son. Once in a lifetime opportunity and she won’t let him go. Oh and I have to show id in order to claim the tickets.

[BL42]

Wolfman,

So sorry to hear that. Sounds like your Ex is playing games and trying to hurt you instead of doing what's best for your son. That's not the right way to parent. Although it doesn't help your situation in terms of the game, my guess is she's going to catch some grief with your son for this.

Because I'm a guy/fixer and apparently have a hard time just listening/empathizing and not also helping...any chance you could contact them to request a different game? Or sell the tickets and use the money to buy tickets for a different night? The cell phone provider / contest company / NBA team office might be accommodating.

[Wolfman]

Wolfman,

So sorry to hear that. Sounds like your Ex is playing games and trying to hurt you instead of doing what's best for your son. That's not the right way to parent. Although it doesn't help your situation in terms of the game, my guess is she's going to catch some grief with your son for this.

Because I'm a guy/fixer and apparently have a hard time just listening/empathizing and not also helping...any chance you could contact them to request a different game? Or sell the tickets and use the money to buy tickets for a different night? The cell phone provider / contest company / NBA team office might be accommodating.

I reached out to Verizon. That’s where we won the tickets. They were able to get me tickets to a game a day I have my son. Great seats 4 rows behind the visiting bench. I didn’t tell my son yet. I want to surprise him and make sure the ex doesn’t try to sabotage it.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Wolf

Nice to hear that the tickets could be exchanged for a different day.

I agree not to mention this to XW. She has shown her colors. Best to take preventative steps to limit any potential sabotage.

Enjoy the game!

D

[Wolfman]

Here is the situation. Or maybe question. How do I balance my 12 year old who is disrespectful at times to my gf? I reprimand him, I make him say sorry. But at times, gf wants tougher consequences. Feels I am not doing my job it making sure my son respects her.
Situation: the other day gf asked son if he would like to hang out with his friend (they have been best friends the last 3 years). We are also friends with the parents so we would probably all hang out togther. My son said no it’s ok she asked why, to make a long story short my son basically told her he is annoying and complains a lot. Keep in mind they are 12. She kept asking him questions why, he explained why and he has anew set of friends. This conversation went on for 10 minutes. Then my son started to play with the baby. And the conversation stopped for about 3 minutes. Then she asked him a question, I didn’t hear the question and his response was, what are you interigating me and he quoted a movie and was laughing. She said that she was serious and she wasn’t kidding. I said he was just making a joke and trying to make light of the situation. She said well I am serious this is not a joke. My son continued to chuckle a little and then she lost it. How he is being disrespectful for laughing at her when she is trying to talk to him, how’s am backing him up by explaining for him. I told my son to go downstairs at this point. The. She started to get loud and say this is bs. We have no respect for her. It died to explain that he wasn’t laughing at her he was just making a joke and was still laughing. Her response was there you go defending him instead of saying something to him when he is trying to have a serious conversation. Then I said something mild but shouldn’t have. I told her to calm down. She said don’t f-ing tell me to calm down. I said I see you are very upset right now, I am going to walk away with the baby and we can talk later. Unfortunately we did not speak the rest of the night. Next day else ignored each other most of the day. Then She went out for hours, then called me and explained how she is done being disrespected by both of us, how I do nothing and she apologized for yelling and cursing but then justified it with she has had enough. We pushed her to her limit. She does a lot for him now and she feels he does not respect her. The other day I picked him up early from school, he wasn’t feeling well. She made him soup, ran out to the store in the rain and got him Gatorade, and other things to make him feel better. She goes to all his game even though she has a lot of school work to do.
She also get really mad when he acts that way. I tell her it is not right what he does, that I speak to him but kids his age will be rebellious, difficult, disrespectful, but I will address it. For her she feels it’s not enough what i do. Help. Any suggestions or advice. Thanks

[BL42]

Wolfman,

I reached out to Verizon. That’s where we won the tickets. They were able to get me tickets to a game a day I have my son. Great seats 4 rows behind the visiting bench. I didn’t tell my son yet. I want to surprise him and make sure the ex doesn’t try to sabotage it.

Excellent! So glad to hear that...what a great memory you'll make with your son!

Smart move on avoiding the sabotage.

[BL42]

Wolfman,

Re: Son & GF...I've never parented a teenager but just about every material out there says they push boundaries, assert independence, and act disrespectfully at times. Doesn't sound like this specific instance was any worse or alarming than an average teenager interaction. I'm guessing it's more challenging in a way though in a mixed family situation because she's not his mother but his dad's GF. So she doesn't feel like she has the authority to discipline a kid in her house and might feel like you side with him over her (blood is thicker than water). It's a challenge I imagine you'll have in any situation going forward. Continue to think you and GF need to work on communication and see a counselor...maybe a good topic to discuss there.

[kml]

I'm sorry - she was interrogating him for ten minutes and pushing him completely inappropriately. I totally see this from your son's perspective and she is TOXIC!!! Does she EVER apologize to him (or to you?) for ANYTHING????

If it was me, I would just let her go, and get a good attorney to protect your custody rights to your child with her.

Hearing these stories about her makes me glad I'm a straight woman and don't have to date crazy women like this.

[DnJ]

Hello Wolf

Situation: the other day gf asked son if he would like to hang out with his friend (they have been best friends the last 3 years). We are also friends with the parents so we would probably all hang out togther. My son said no it’s ok she asked why, to make a long story short my son basically told her he is annoying and complains a lot. Keep in mind they are 12. She kept asking him questions why, he explained why and he has anew set of friends. This conversation went on for 10 minutes.

To me it looks like GF wanted to hang out with the parents/friends and with son saying no, she was trying to talk him into it. Ten minutes of questioning why and pushing is going to get the response she got.

My thoughts and how I approach things (workplace, home, with friends, etc.). When one asks a question they need to be ok with either a yes or no answer. If one is not ok with one of those answers, then it’s not a question, it is a command, direction, or statement. So don’t ask. Direct, or tell, or let know - depending upon the situation.

Consider, “Son, rake the leaves. I’m getting tired of asking.” Is Dad really asking? Or is his telling?

An example, six years ago just after BD, W and I met to talk about son’s upcoming graduation. She told me she was going to ask son if she could attend. I asked her what are you going to do if he says no?

Son saying no, was highly likely since she was treating him very badly and he was very mad at her.

W said she’d just go to the graduation anyhow. I told her that would be pretty dismissive and disrespectful of son’s wishes, especially after specifically asking him. I asked her if she would be willing to hear some advice. She welcomed it. I told her to not ask, since she really isn’t. Just let son you will be attending. (The school required the number of people for the super for each student.) If you give him a choice, and you ignore that choice, things will just get worse between you two.

She thought that was wise. And that is what she did. So W attended the ceremony and the supper. With no feathers ruffled, they even had the mother and son dance together.

GF should have asked if you wanted to spend time with the parents/friends. And then she or you let son know that “we are going to go see <parents names> this Wednesday. Probably will stay for supper as a well.” Not asking what or why, just letting son know of some upcoming plans.

Kids are not small adults. They are children. And there is nothing wrong with sometimes simply letting them know what is going on without ensuring their upfront agreement.

And yes, choice does exert a feel of control over a situation. “Hey son, we are going over to <name>. Pick out a couple of video games for you and <friend> to play.” A little less rebellion when they have some say in it.

Best of luck.

D

[bttrfly]

Is she mentally ill? Because your posts indicate at best a deep immaturity, bordering on some kind of personality disorder.

I second Kml's post.

[Wolfman]

Wolfman,

Re: Son & GF...I've never parented a teenager but just about every material out there says they push boundaries, assert independence, and act disrespectfully at times. Doesn't sound like this specific instance was any worse or alarming than an average teenager interaction. I'm guessing it's more challenging in a way though in a mixed family situation because she's not his mother but his dad's GF. So she doesn't feel like she has the authority to discipline a kid in her house and might feel like you side with him over her (blood is thicker than water). It's a challenge I imagine you'll have in any situation going forward. Continue to think you and GF need to work on communication and see a counselor...maybe a good topic to discuss there.

We see a therapist every week. Things were getting better. But for her the littlest things get completely blown out of proportion. The therapist has helped us work on communication and just planning ahead. But it’s little day to day things that throw things off.

I'm sorry - she was interrogating him for ten minutes and pushing him completely inappropriately. I totally see this from your son's perspective and she is TOXIC!!! Does she EVER apologize to him (or to you?) for ANYTHING????

If it was me, I would just let her go, and get a good attorney to protect your custody rights to your child with her.

Hearing these stories about her makes me glad I'm a straight woman and don't have to date crazy women like this.

Surprising she gave a half apology about her behavior. Half because she said she should have never cursed or raised her voice like that. But then tried to justify why she did. That she just feels completely disrespected and that i don’t back her. And this is build up over the years we have been together. My opinion still no reason to speak like that. She has a real problem with ANYONE telling her what to do. She has to be “right” all the time. And if someone disagrees she will keep going until they do or she gets mad and walks away. I have put up with so much for the sake of the baby. I try and I try. I know I am not perfect but my god. My mental health is taking a toll. The last 4 days I cried twice. Granted I know this is my fault but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Dnj I agree with you. If she is going to ask a question she should be ok with either answer otherwise don’t ask the question. He said no, explained why, but that wasn’t enough for her. I think you are right she really wanted to do a family hang out and my son I said shot it down. So she was trying to convince him, which was not right.

Is she mentally ill? Because your posts indicate at best a deep immaturity, bordering on some kind of personality disorder.

I second Kml's post.

Honestly sometime I think she is bi-polar. She can be happy and sweet one minute and the next, completely out of her mind. I walk on eggshells a lot. I am trying so hard to make this work at the expanse of my mental health. I am just so sad and feel like a failure. I don’t know what to do anymore. Honestly I just feel like being alone. But the. Feel the loneliness will kick in and make me depressed that I am alone. These last 4 years (since divorce to now) have completely destroyed me. I don’t know who I am anymore. Or even what I want out of life. I rushed into something I had no business doing and here I am.

[BL42]

Wolfman,

Good you two are seeing a therapist and that's helping.

What you've been describing for awhile now is not a good relationship, and not sustainable over the long term. Do you have a plan for whether you plan to exit or continue on this way?

[Wolfman]

Hello everyone, its been a while. Things have not been good. I really don't know what to do anymore. The relationship is sinking and fast. Its getting to the point where I cannot disagree with her or else I will feel the wrath. Obviously, she is super jealous of my son. There is always a problem with him. She keeps wanting me to put her as number one. She feels whatever she tells my son he should do and I should back her. Example super bowl. I do not have cable I just have a few streaming services (to keep cost down) and I went to the store before the super bowl. No party it was just me, gf, son and baby. My son and I were on our way home from the store, my son asked if he could watch the beginning on my phone. I said sure, we walked in the door at 6:30. The kitchen table was a mess and the baby was eating dinner in the high chair and gf was trying to get the super bowl on the tv through youtube. She was paying for it for us to see. As soon as we walked in she told us she was trying to get it and for us to clean off the table (not a mess we made) while she tries to get it. My son said he doesn't want to miss the kick off. I said just clean up a little quickly. He said dad they are about to kick off. I said ok don't worry I will clean off the table. Gf said I asked both of you to clean it off, it will go faster if you both do it. Son said, he doesn't want to miss any, I said to Gf let him watch it I will take care of the table in no time. Now she got upset and said really he can't even help a little. So he started to take some things off the table and now he was upset he was missing a little bit of it. It took her about 15 minutes to get it up and running on the tv. Now she was very annoyed with the both of us. Later on I spoke to her about it. She was very angry that she feels my son does not respect her and does not have to listen to her and that I allow him not to listen to her. I replied, he is 12 ans doesn't want to miss any of it and I said I would take care of it and he did clean up a little bit of it too. She feels why was it so difficult for him to help and that I basically baby him. Her exact words were, "he should listen to what I tell him to do." I said very nicely I get that but I said I would take care of it and he did help a little, why is this such a big deal? She replied because she feels my son does not have to listen to her and I don't back her. She has literally been mad at me now since sunday.

Another example, she takes the baby to the library down the road from our home. Library is great a lot of activities for kids. She also signs him up for programs there. Well one day she said we should sign you son up for some programs to get him out of the house. I looked at the programs and said to her, look I know my son he will not like any of these programs. She replied but don't I think it would be a good idea for him to try new things. I replied yes, but things he would be interested in, sports is what he likes. But she insisted to ask him to try these things. It went back and forth for a little while. I said I will ask as a joke just to see his reaction. Of course he was not interested I played along briefly, why not? its something different? He said he wasn't interested. Then gf came into the room and she started. Why not? try something different? you might like it. You can meet new people. He kept saying no he wasn't interested. I said to her nicely he's not interested, I told you he wouldn't like to do those things. Now she ket going with it. Come on just try it. Now he was starting to get annoyed. Now he started to ignore her, and of course now she gets mad, why are you ignoring me, thats disrespectful, she says to me are you going to say something. I said look he doesn't want to do it lets just let it go and I said to my son, don't ignore gf when she is talking to you. He said but i already said no a bunch of times and she keeps asking. Of course gf getting a little louder that doesn't give you a right to ignore me. I said look lets just end this conversation its going nowhere. Now she is really mad saying how can i take his side when he is being disrespectful to her. Honestly she is a child mentally/emotionally. I have another child on my hands. I honestly can't take this anymore. I am going to have to figure out how to get out of this. I am not ready to let go, but I know at this point I may have to.

Please any advice, thoughts. I am just feeling down. I worry about the baby and how I am going to handle all of this.

[bttrfly]

talk to a father's right lawyer so you know your rights vis a vis the baby

[BL42]

Wolfman,

Sorry you're still struggling with your relationship with GF and her interactions with your son. Not sure what to say that I haven't already, but definitely wishing you the best and agree w/bttrfly on consulting the L just in case.

Hang in there.

How'd the NBA game ticket surprise go with your son?

[kml]

Honestly she is a child mentally/emotionally. I have another child on my hands.

DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!!!

And she is doing damage to your son.

See a family law attorney and figure out the best way to get out of this and get adequate custody of your baby. SHE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

[kml]

Oh - and stop sleeping with her (or get a vasectomy) so she doesn't get pregnant again.

[DonH]

Oh - and stop sleeping with her (or get a vasectomy) so she doesn't get pregnant again.

This is the real DING DING DING DING!!!!

Or at least it should be. Like too many situations the kids are the real losers here. The adults at least have/had a choice. The children did not. Your son didn’t get a vote when his family split apart. Then if not bad enough he didn’t get a vote with this new woman who somehow wants him to bow to her every whim. She doesn’t get a say. She’s not his mother.

I won’t even go into how F’d up new woman is but she’s already doing more damage to your son. THIS you must put a stop to. Don’t allow her to abuse him like this. It’s your choice if you want to allow her to continue to abuse you but he doesn’t get that choice and needs you to step in and protect him.

Then there’s the new baby. OMG. So sad but you can’t undo that either. But you most certainly can keep all of this from happening again. Please don’t take that responsibility lightly.

[Wolfman]

Hello everyone. Been a little while. I read those other comments. We are not active so that is not a problem. Honestly, i am scared to split up. How am I going to deal with another baby mama, what about the baby, how often will I see him, I will be able to pay another child support? I am petrified of all of this. This is why I continue to suck up this relationship. I do t know what to do. I understand only I can make a decision. I feel like a failure, I know I missed red flags, you all were telling me not to do this. I was so broken. I wanted to feel whole again, but went about it the wrong way. Lately I have been so depressed, I just feel like hopeless. If we break up what will that entail, stay together what will that be like day in and day out. I wish I had the strength to end it. Now she is telling me she needs a break, that she is so depressed and stressed. She wants to go visit family for a week with the baby. I feel different emotions about that, part of me wants her to go, the other part says is there more? I am just all over the place emotionally. Please call just need people to talk to. I am sinking fast. 😔
I know a lot of you want to tell me you told me so. I get it. All the mistakes I made. I just am looking for support.

[Rockon]

Here for support. What do you need today to get through Wolfman?

[Spiral]

Wolf,

Nobody wants to tell you we told you so. We all know why you did it. We were all there. We all felt the need to fill that void. We all wanted to fill it. It also doesn't matter if you failed yesterday. The past is gone. You have today. Don't fail today. Start by re-reading the book and by investing in yourself. Don't focus on where you are going. Focus on your next step on that road.

Best,
Spiral

[Ready2Change]

Hi Wolf,

Haven't followed your sitch for some time. Not really looking for answers from you, but more for you to reflect on:

How much have you changed since you arrived here?
What changes do you still want to make?
Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like? Can you move in that direction?
What type of IRL support network do you have? Has IC helped? Do you need more?
Why are you not "active" with your partner? What role did/does your behavior contribute?
Do you enjoy the drama? Can you change your behavior to reduce the drama?
How similar are X and GF? Did you attract the same "type" of women?


I wish you well. Make good choices.

Regards,

R2C