- consider putting all focus on raising kids to 18 before getting into an R
I think this is great a great suggestion DonH and certainly ideal. I'd like to do it for my kids, but my kids were S4 & D1 at BD and are S7 & D4 now. 14 more years is a long time to not have a companion, yet it's hard to see things integrating smoothly either - though I guess people do it all the time. I guess time will tell.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
You got a lot of great feedback from a half dozen of the most experienced posters, and they all pretty much hit it on the head, so not sure how much more I can add. I'd re-read the posts from Ginger, LH, DonH, DnJ, Dawn70, and kml a few times if I were you.
The only thing I will say is the same thing I've already stated a handful of times on your thread which is...make sure your kids are your #1 priority and if GF can't accept you have other children and is trying to pit you against them than the relationship will never work and you need to stand up for your R with your children first and foremost.
Also, I'd consult an L to see if your child with GF being a baby might jeopardize 50/50 for you as the father if the court would be biased to the mother at that young age and if that is the case maybe you string things along a bit until equal custody is no longer a factor.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
- consider putting all focus on raising kids to 18 before getting into an R
I think this is great a great suggestion DonH and certainly ideal. I'd like to do it for my kids, but my kids were S4 & D1 at BD and are S7 & D4 now. 14 more years is a long time to not have a companion, yet it's hard to see things integrating smoothly either - though I guess people do it all the time. I guess time will tell.
Yeah, I don’t think it’s fair for someone with kids who are babies when you get a divorce. Me for example. Obviously , I never went on to remarry or have a very LTR, but to say to not have any focus on York own relationship is just not feasible .
Many do go on to have healthy relationships and blend well. Maybe not perfectly, but doing things smart is the key.
I am going to re-read the info here. I really hope anyone reading this wil not make the same mistakes I have made. I was right there with you newbies. I thought I could handle a new relationship. I wanted the pain to go away. I used another person to make that pain go away, yet I wasn't ready for another relationship. I had blinders on to the red flags, I ignored them because I wanted so bad to be loved and to give love to someone. But in doing so, I have only made my situation more complex and unfortunately have affected other peoples lives because of my poor decision. I beg the newbies to read my situation and learn from it.
Right now I am so depressed that another relationship is failing. Granted it should of never happened, but i am here and have to deal with the situation at hand. It is so hard when one person NEVER feels they are wrong are have done anything wrong. I hear everyone with the validate, but my question is how? How do I validate when "everything" is my fault. Granted some things are my fault, I am no angel. I own up to those things and apologize. But everything? I am so scared of the future!!!
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I hear everyone with the validate, but my question is how? How do I validate when "everything" is my fault. Granted some things are my fault, I am no angel. I own up to those things and apologize. But everything?
Wolf you have to have tough conversations for relationships to work. You also need boundaries and deal breakers. Not every relationship should continue.
Yeah, I don’t think it’s fair for someone with kids who are babies when you get a divorce.
Is it fair to the baby or the children involved? They had no choice in any of this. At least the parents had a choice in who they married or had babies with. That’s why it’s so very important to choose wisely. The child never had that choice and it’s clearly not fair to them. I get that it can be very difficult and probably not the best for the mom and dad, but it is the best for the children involved. I’m not saying I’d be able to do it. It would without a doubt be very difficult to do. Thing is sometimes the right things are also the most difficult.
The second thing is for both the divorced parents to make the child’s life as normal as possible. Holidays together, birthdays. Etc. parenting together. Keeping them out if the middle.
Whether by choice or not Ginger you have done all of this. Was it fair to you? Not in the slightest. Was it fair to your daughter? Absolutely!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Granted some things are my fault, I am no angel. I own up to those things and apologize.
Good. Apologize and own your things.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
…my question is how? How do I validate when "everything" is my fault.
It’s about giving credence to the other’s emotions. Realizing that their view is important and true for them. Not defending your view.
“I see how you would feel that.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Of course, when the other is unjustifiably blaming, or the quantity of said blame is just so voluminous to even be reasonable, add a truth dart and bit of reality to it.
Perhaps a possible recent example.
“I’m sorry you felt unheard. However, you and your Dad were the ones not hearing each other. Dragging me into this is uncalled for.”
Open dialog is needed. And at times, that dialog can be difficult. Yet, that difficult conversation is what is often required to get to the crux of a situation.
And boundaries are often required to keep dialog respectful.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yeah, I don’t think it’s fair for someone with kids who are babies when you get a divorce.
Is it fair to the baby or the children involved? They had no choice in any of this. At least the parents had a choice in who they married or had babies with. That’s why it’s so very important to choose wisely. The child never had that choice and it’s clearly not fair to them. I get that it can be very difficult and probably not the best for the mom and dad, but it is the best for the children involved. I’m not saying I’d be able to do it. It would without a doubt be very difficult to do. Thing is sometimes the right things are also the most difficult.
The second thing is for both the divorced parents to make the child’s life as normal as possible. Holidays together, birthdays. Etc. parenting together. Keeping them out if the middle.
Whether by choice or not Ginger you have done all of this. Was it fair to you? Not in the slightest. Was it fair to your daughter? Absolutely!
Let me clarify. The way wolf did it, it’s an absolute no. Entering a relationship I’m a way at a healthy point doesn’t have to be negative for kids. It could be an absolutely positive. Choosing wisely ks very important .
Validating is about making the other person feel heard, not about admitting they were right.
"That must feel terrible to think that" "I'm sorry that you feel that way" "I didn't mean that in that way" " Do you feel (X,Y,Z)?" "It was not my intention for you to feel that way"
Others can recommend more sentences.
When you are defending yourself, you are invalidating what she's saying. Not that you can't defend yourself, but not always at the same time you are validating how she feels.
All this being said - it's possible that she is not an emotionally mature enough person to make this work. That's something you will find out in the future. But I do think that trying to make it work right now, until your baby is older, is probably a good strategy (check with your lawyer). Continuing to go to therapy together may be your best chance if this relationship is salvageable.
"That must feel terrible to think that" "I'm sorry that you feel that way" "I didn't mean that in that way" " Do you feel (X,Y,Z)?"
Sorry K but for the readers at home those statements above are not very good validation examples.
I can see that you are very upset that was not my intention. Here's what I'm hearing you say. You feel unappreciated. I guess that must have been hard for you. I can see you are making an effort. I can see how hard you are working.
