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Wolf I’ve mentioned in other posts a national radio doc I first heard in my early days of working in radio some 40 years ago. She’s still on the radio, currently XM. She very often states the largest reason for failed Rs in second marriages is due to children from the previous R. She will never feel the same way about your children as she does about the child you and her have together. If the house is on fire and she can only save one child is there any doubt in your mind who it will be?

She clearly wants a man with no previous children. That’s very unlikely to change. Your kids are suffering because if it. They already have had their life ripped apart. Now they have lost you to her. I totally agree with G you losing your D is very likely due to her. If you are accurate in what you tell us, she seems like a huge spoiled brat. Daddies little princess I’m guessing. Even when he doesn’t bow down to her, you see how she responds. She wants her way. She doesn’t want to compromise. She got involved and got knocked up by a newly divorced man with previous children. Now she wants him to abandon these children. Sounds like a dream girl. Of course that’s sarcasm because it sounds like a nightmare with a spoiled little brat that has a whole lot of growing up to do.

But I’m just going to be honest here - you put yourself in this sitch. We told you not to date so fast, not to get involved so fast. You knew better. Now you’re in the sitch you are in. And yet another child is going to be impacted. So what do you do? That’s a huge question - likely above our pay grade to answer. If we take what you say at full face value, she’s got a lot of growing up to do. People often don’t change. They are who they are. That’s why it’s so very important to choose wisely. I don’t know how to change her. If the only answer is to throw your previous kids away to try to make her happy the price is way too high. My advice is you DO NOT sacrifice your S in hopes of making her happy. There are ways to show her you value her without putting your kids last. She needs to learn how to share. I suspect that’s something she’s never done. Is she an inky child by any chance?

I wish I had better advice. Perhaps tune to XM 111 this afternoon and listen the advice given.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
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Good Morning Wolf

I agree with LH. Sit down with GF and have a conversation with her.

I would suggest a few things. Ensure son is napping. Sit down with her. Take your phone out and shut it off! In front of her. Then start off with something like: GF, I am sorry you feel unimportant. You are very important to me, and I apologize for not displaying that often enough. You have my complete and undivided attention, and I am willing to listen.

There are many subjects that are likely to be brought up. Be open and listen. Be sincere. Do not focus on fixing the things as much as learning about the things. Let her suggest, and listen to her suggestions for solutions and resolution to the present troubles.

Communication is key to everything. GF is still talking to you. She hopes you’ll understand how she feels. Validate her feelings and gently prompt her to expand upon them. She’s needs to lead that. It’s her feelings after all.

Where this all leads is unknown. Let it be unknown. Act as if. Go forward with a positive attitude and view that you and her can communicate sincerely and openly.

We often make our fate through the smallest of intent. If you go at this believing it is going to fail, it likely will. Small subconscious mannerisms will influence in that direction. And likewise, positive usually begets positive. And positive is a much better mindset for interactions.

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May I also suggest you get like 200 steps ahead? Consult a lawyer find out your rights about your baby, custody, support, your GF living with you.

Seriously plan like this is going to end. You need to have something in place

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
We can’t tell you how to answer. We only hear one side of the story here. She tells you that you don’t sacrifice for her, you tell us all you do is sacrifice for her.

All I know from what you write here, your wife of the story, is that she does not value your son and she wants you to value her and your child with her above your son. And you already lost your daughter. And I wouldn’t be surprised if it really was due to your GF.

From what YOU write, no matter what you do and how much you sacrifice it’s never enough. So you need to make a decision on what you need to do and what is important to you
You hit the nail on the head. It’s never enough. I do and I do and I do, it doesn’t matter. I am going to make sure my s knows I love him and that he is number 1. If she can’t get over that or understand then she needs to make a decision.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
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Originally Posted by LH19
Wolfy what I would do is sit down and have a conversation with her about moving forward. Validate her feelings of feeling unimportant. Apologize for not stating upfront that your kids are your number one priority. Ask her if she sees a path forward with you putting your kids and her as top priorities. If she says "yes" ask her what that looks like moving forward. If it's acceptable say great lets work towards that together. If it is not than tell her and counter offer what it will look like to you. Come to a compromise if possible. If you can't compromise or she says "no" to a path forward than ask where what she thinks the next move is for the two of you.

I love this. Thank you. I will definitely do all of that. This relationship has to “break” meaning we come to an understanding of what our roles are and how this relationship will be of we will go our separate ways. Thank you!!! 😁


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
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Originally Posted by DonH
Wolf I’ve mentioned in other posts a national radio doc I first heard in my early days of working in radio some 40 years ago. She’s still on the radio, currently XM. She very often states the largest reason for failed Rs in second marriages is due to children from the previous R. She will never feel the same way about your children as she does about the child you and her have together. If the house is on fire and she can only save one child is there any doubt in your mind who it will be?

She clearly wants a man with no previous children. That’s very unlikely to change. Your kids are suffering because if it. They already have had their life ripped apart. Now they have lost you to her. I totally agree with G you losing your D is very likely due to her. If you are accurate in what you tell us, she seems like a huge spoiled brat. Daddies little princess I’m guessing. Even when he doesn’t bow down to her, you see how she responds. She wants her way. She doesn’t want to compromise. She got involved and got knocked up by a newly divorced man with previous children. Now she wants him to abandon these children. Sounds like a dream girl. Of course that’s sarcasm because it sounds like a nightmare with a spoiled little brat that has a whole lot of growing up to do.

You are absolutely correct. She acts like a spoiled brat and when she doesn't get her away she throw a "temper tantrum". Like I said in other posts, she didn't understand what it meant to date someone with kids. Because I lived with my parents and she didn't see the kids all the time and the sacrifices I made. I would have thought us having our own child she would have understood what in meant to have kids and how important they are. If anything it made it worse.


Originally Posted by DnJ
Good Morning Wolf

I agree with LH. Sit down with GF and have a conversation with her.

I would suggest a few things. Ensure son is napping. Sit down with her. Take your phone out and shut it off! In front of her. Then start off with something like: GF, I am sorry you feel unimportant. You are very important to me, and I apologize for not displaying that often enough. You have my complete and undivided attention, and I am willing to listen.

Communication is key to everything. GF is still talking to you. She hopes you’ll understand how she feels. Validate her feelings and gently prompt her to expand upon them. She’s needs to lead that. It’s her feelings after all.
I have done these things, said these things too. She wants full control and I just have to listen and thats it. I want to be honest with all of you. She is very very attractive. She gets a lot of attention. So, guys she dated in the past did whatever she wanted. 2 things about this. Of course at the beginning a lot of men will do that to get in the pants. 2. She never had a relationship over a year. So she thinks men should and will do whatever she wants. That is not a relationship. Its give and take, its about compromises. She doesn't get that, she is just used to getting her way. Not for nothing I give her a lot of things that I don't always agree with.


Originally Posted by Ginger1
May I also suggest you get like 200 steps ahead? Consult a lawyer find out your rights about your baby, custody, support, your GF living with you.

Seriously plan like this is going to end. You need to have something in place

I think you are right about this. Ugh i am so sad. But I have no one to blame but myself. I hope newbies read my situation and learn and don't make the same mistakes I have made.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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I may be misremembering or misunderstanding your overall sitch, but as best I recall, at one point, you were on the road to breaking up with this woman for many of the same reasons you point out now (her tantrums, unrealistic expectations) and then found out she was pregnant so you stuck it out.

I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but I hope people go back and read that part and see it as a cautionary tale.

I feel for you, Wolf. While I do agree that sitting her down to have an open and honest discussion where you validate (and make sure that you have your phones off so she has your undivided attention), I am not sure that is going to get you where you want to be because of her attitude. She's shown you time and again that she thinks your children don't matter. This has already caused you to lose your daughter and may cost you your son as well, not to even mention the baby you share with her. I also get the sense that she really doesn't care if you prioritize her child as long as you prioritize her. She seems to be pretty dead set on how you must treat her and how you have to do this and that and sacrifice. Of course, we are only hearing one side of the story and I'd bet her side is wildly different from hers.

My advice echoes Ginger's. GET A LAWYER! Prepare for the ultimate end. Yes, it is sad, but man, if you don't get out in front of all of this now, she's going to do a number on you and you'll never see that baby again.

While it is noble that you stayed with her for the sake of the baby, is it really worth it? You were already going to break up with her. This should be a lesson to anyone who reads it that getting pregnant never solves an issue.


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1) Validate, validate, validate. Her feelings are her feelings. Doesn't mean you have to say you're wrong when you're not, just acknowledge her feelings.

2) Yes to finding out your legal status and how best to protect yourself if this goes south.

3) You "do and do and do" but maybe you aren't speaking HER Love Language? I did lots of things for my ex but Acts of Service was not his Love Language - Quality Time was, I needed to spend more time NOT multitasking and listening raptly to him lol.

4) I'm glad her dad took your side in this case.

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Originally Posted by Dawn70
I may be misremembering or misunderstanding your overall sitch, but as best I recall, at one point, you were on the road to breaking up with this woman for many of the same reasons you point out now (her tantrums, unrealistic expectations) and then found out she was pregnant so you stuck it out.

While it is noble that you stayed with her for the sake of the baby, is it really worth it? You were already going to break up with her. This should be a lesson to anyone who reads it that getting pregnant never solves an issue.

That is correct. I wanted to break up with her. But the baby keeps me there. I love that little guy so much. Honestly I am afraid if we did break up she will stop me from seeing the baby. This is so hard.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but I hope people go back and read that part and see it as a cautionary tale.

I actually did exactly that, this AM for a couple hours. Clearly I need to get a life smile I just wanted to remember accurately. And I had but it was even worse. It was about 2 years ago where Wolf was pretty much in the same place he is now only the baby was still baking. It is very much a cautionary tale - one Wolf appears to for the most part admit.

Sadly this story is repeated over and over and over again both by those visiting here and across the world. Started dating while still married even after being repeatedly warned here not to. Didn’t want to be alone and sought out other women. Thought this one was perfect. I’m wondering how much her looks played into it. Then when life got real she showed who she really was so they were about to or did split. Days later she claimed pregnant to which many here called BS. She wasn’t making it up though.

In reading back Daughter clearly pulled back when OW was found out. To which OW now GF encouraged Wolf to drop his daughter and not look back. So she was acting like this back then already. At least showing signs of it. Was it going to get better? Was that the Hope?

I don’t want to beat up on Wolf. But for anyone reading along, this happens all the time. Don’t think you’ll be different.

- Don’t date for at least a year after D - for sure don’t get into an R
- children will often spell success/failure in second or third marriages
- consider putting all focus on raising kids to 18 before getting into an R
- If you do date, do not introduce kids for 6 months minimum
- choose wisely! You won’t see who someone really is for as long as 2 years
- do not risk bringing another life into the world. Pregnancy can be avoided.

As for you Wolf, you really do need to start protecting yourself. You can also try validating and working this all out but the chances of success are not good. If it does not last you need to stop dating and learn to be happy by yourself. The last thing you’ll need is for any of this to repeat again.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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