Yeah, I almost wonder if there isn't anything with someone in particular. Like maybe the fantasy is just the general desire for something different than me in the future where she will be happy.
And yeah, I get that time will burn through the resentment but how much time. Being in limbo is ridiculous.
I mean there is a real element on my side that just thinks this is beyond unfair that she never communicated these things and powered on pushing me away.
Then when the blow up happens, I get blindsided and heartbroken. I fully commit to fixing things and I'm not even given a chance because she is already fully shut off.
During these past two months, the emotion on my side has mostly been extremely hurt/heartbroken/worried about possibly loosing my wife...a bit of frustration and just not understanding her side on why she is struggling so much.
Now that she dropped the "I'm done", it's like the frustration is the highest emotion.
I had lunch with a good friend the day after and left my ring at home (just frustrated with everything). Then I saw my wife wearing hers and I swallowed my pride, took a breath, and reminded myself what I need to do.
Sure does blow. I’ve never experienced anything like the feeling of your family slipping away and there is nothing you can do about it.
Yep she’s got her own internal struggles going on right now so rest assure she’s not feeling great right now either.
You got a long haul ahead of you so the best thing you can do is eat right, exercise and get good sleep. Your ride is just beginning and you’re going to need your strength.
Do not be passive aggressive and make decisions right now like taking your ring off. Just try to get through today. This is going to take many months/years to play itself out. I can promise you that you will not always feel like you do right now.
I brought whether she was seeing/sleeping with someone else to see what she would say and said she absolutely had not and would not ever in all the years we've been together. She said she has always been careful with male co-workers to not even send the wrong signal ever or for anyone to get the wrong idea.
They will straight up cold-blooded lie to your face. If she is having an EA or PA, she is absolutely NOT the sweet woman you've known for years whom you call W. They will lie, and lie, and lie some more until they get caught red-handed and even then only admit to only what they have to and has been proven and then lie about the remaining details. I confronted my ExW several times, revealing more and more than I knew each time (before I came to this forum; NOT a recommended path) and she flat out lied to my face each time. She didn't know but I was following along in great detail and knew everything. It was bizarre to me like gaslighting I couldn't even believe she could be saying that when I knew for a fact what was going on. So...your W telling you to your face that she's absolutely not with someone else doesn't mean anything.
Now...lots of discussion on this thread about a possible EA/PA which may or may not be happening. Part of that is my fault - I just wanted you to start preparing yourself for that possibly based on the long history of situations we've read here - but really this shouldn't a focus for you right now.
Like I said above...
1) Give her more space than she wanted or is comfortable with and starts to wonder if she really does want to lose you. No pressure, no pursuit, no begging, no pleading.
2) Shift your focus and efforts away from W and onto you and your daughter. Time to start improving yourself as a man and be the best father you can be.
Yeah I had already done my own validation of not seeing any signs of EA/PA when I asked that. After the blow up, I just wanted to see what she would say.
I’m not saying she is a saint here. What she’s done with suppressing all this resentment and being closed off after she finally came out with it is really messed up. But through validation, I haven’t seen signs of an EA/PA. I’m well connected and I would have seen it.
That said, I agree with your points on what my focus should be regardless.
br, your wife sounds a lot like mine. She would not admit anything other than there was another man. Wouldn’t say who or where she met him. Took me 5 minutes on Fb to figure it out. Still claims 8 months later that it wasn’t physical, bs. Would not give me any details about anything. Would lie to my face about trivial things and then I would bust her. It’s like you are dealing with a stranger that is a compulsive liar. I hope you are correct, it’s going to really hurt if you’re not. Be prepared. I went from disbelief to utter sadness to being furious. Sometimes in the span of 10 minutes. Nothing in my life prepared me for this. Fortunately, I mostly kept my cool. I’ve screwed up at times and let my anger get the better of me but nothing terrible. When I feel sad or want to give up, I think about my kids. They help me focus. I’m not standing solely for my kids, I do still love my wife and think we can make it work. It’s ultimately up to her, not me. Use this forum, these folks will keep you on the right track.
This is going to be a big week coming up as this past week was the "I'm done with the relationship". Whether she is truly "done" with the relationship or was "done" with feeling the pressure remains to be seen.
I did want to ask this as I wasn't sure I saw a consensus on the best way to handle it.
I don't want to do anything that seems like I'm niceing her back but should I keep making an effort to do dishes, cleaning more, etc.?
Over these past two months she has recognized these efforts but obviously still didn't move the needle at all.
Since her thinking I don't always help out around the house enough and has been a point of contention in our relationship in the past, what do you think?
I don't want to come off like a doormat or desperate/weak and that she just now expects me to do all the cleaning when she isn't coming around at all. But then again, it's tricky because she's like almost "firing" me. But if I don't do these things, that she has now acknowledged, I might regress on that positive.
Let me know what you think.
This weekend went well for me. I attended the Thanksgiving celebration with her family despite the recent tension. When I got there, the old me would have mostly stayed in the living room watching TV and talking with the father-in-law about sports. Instead, the new me helped my brother-in-law do most of the cooking and preparing. I didn't focus on my W at all. If she noticed, great, but I did it to be the new best me.
My sister-in-law has a 2 year old that really took me this weekend. The 2 year old and my W are super close when they are together. At times she turned down time with my wife for me to play with her, pick her up, sit with her, etc. My wife didn't make a big deal of it or say anything when it was happening but I know she observed all of this and I think she was impressed.
So the best thing to do is your share. No more and no less.
As for Thanksgiving the problem is she can see right through and it probably actually pi$$es her off that it took being done with you to make these changes.
Curious why you think talking to your FIL about sports is a bad thing?
