Going to bed tired. Finishing this stage on Reno on time and on track. Getting ready to head out of town to go visit eldest D and granddaughter next week really looking forward to it.
W is reaching out a lot - about family, stuff kids are going through, etc. I’m busy GAL, working on the house hanging out with family and friends. Today, W and her mom went unexpectedly (unexpected to me - W had told me that D didn’t want to do Christmas this year) to a Christmas craft event with my mom and sister. AfterW called and asked if she could drop by with her mom to see me. Said sure I’m working on the house. There was some tension at first with W’s mom expressing her opinions and being somewhat bossy towards W. I projected peace and calm and kept at my work while engaging in a friendly way and observed W stand up for herself to her mom. W delivered a beautiful wreath she made for our home and said she was impressed with the state of the Reno “it looks really good.” In the past she has been a very active participant looking after our home and and also a savvy agent with me in our renovations. This time I have been doing it without her. W called later and talked
They weren’t here that long but after the tension broke things were quite peaceful before they left. For me, even more peaceful after they left.
Wreath looks amazing on our door and was much appreciated.
Talking about bringing S home for a pass at Christmas. W has invited us over to her mom’s for Christmas Eve. Not sure how to navigate this stuff. I think if it weren’t for our kids and S’s special needs in particular, I might have said I had plans. S would likely appreciate me there and benefit from me being present but I am cool with him being there without me if he likes. We will also be consulting and following direction from the professional team. Still a ways away and time to plan.
Still seems like so much up in air to me. Staying focused on what I can control (me) and what’s important.
Rock you are very good at rationalizing reasons to engage. Cats out of the bag remember your W forced you to start telling everyone you are separated. I think they will understand why you are not together for Christmas. WWs have agendas with everything they do. Your W made you go public because she was either spotted with OM or plans or plans to go public with him. The gifts and family Christmas is her way to show the kids see dad is fine and we are still friends. Your GAL is strong but not good when you’re W comes a calling. You can never, ever, ever give her too much space.
LH thanks for this yes I am having a hard time. Doing somewhat better at times but keep getting pulled back in. I think I’m improving in detaching at least a little more and not initiating contact. But yes I see lots of engagement.
She has not forced me to start telling everyone though. Since the “cats out of the bag” talk, there has been some process. I told her I am going at my pace and while I hear her concerns and suggestions to tell more people, I’m not there. Yes we ended up telling S together and upon reflection, I’m happy with how we went about that. Other than S and a close friend who is a great support to us and who’s helping me with my Reno, I haven’t told anyone new since that talk - not my parents, not other friends. She has told a couple others so that she can be honest and not so lonely, she said - not pretend anymore.
After W called and asked if she could drop by with her mom to see me. Said sure I’m working on the house.
You've repeatedly gotten advice to be out and busy and less available to your wife. To give her more space than she wants. How does answering her call and saying she could come over with your MIL fit into that?
Originally Posted by Rockon
W called later and talked
Why did you answer her call?
Originally Posted by Rockon
They weren’t here that long but after the tension broke things were quite peaceful before they left.
If they hadn't come over you wouldn't have had any tension, no?
Originally Posted by Rockon
For me, even more peaceful after they left.
Interesting.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Wreath looks amazing on our door and was much appreciated.
You accepted a wreath from a woman who is betraying you? What if you throw it out and get your own decoration. Are you afraid that might ruin your chances to R?
Originally Posted by Rockon
W has invited us over to her mom’s for Christmas Eve. Not sure how to navigate this stuff.
"Thanks, but I have plans!" With a wry smile.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I think if it weren’t for our kids and S’s special needs in particular, I might have said I had plans.
You can't protect your kids from your W's decisions.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She has not forced me to start telling everyone though.
Because she can't force you to do anything. Just like you can't force her to do anything. You control you. W controls W. Do the right thing and what's best for you - regardless of what W does, says, or wants.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I told her I am going at my pace and while I hear her concerns and suggestions to tell more people, I’m not there.
Why on earth would you say all that too her? Way too much dialogue, especially on that topic. You did nothing wrong and she doesn't get you to tell who and when she wants you to. You shouldn't explain yourself at all. Stop engaging with this type of talk! Don't get emotional or pressure her with your feelings.
Originally Posted by LH19
Rock you are very good at rationalizing reasons to engage. Cats out of the bag remember your W forced you to start telling everyone you are separated. I think they will understand why you are not together for Christmas. WWs have agendas with everything they do. Your W made you go public because she was either spotted with OM or plans or plans to go public with him. The gifts and family Christmas is her way to show the kids see dad is fine and we are still friends. Your GAL is strong but not good when you’re W comes a calling. You can never, ever, ever give her too much space.
^^^This. Start listening to LH19.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Poor thing is lonely. I feel so bad for her. (Insert eye roll)
Once again, LH19 is all over it like a fat kid on a cookie.
And his analysis of the wreath and visit is correct. None of this is her being nice, reconnecting, seeing your changes.
ALL of it is her manipulating you and the situation. They want to tell other people it’s mutual to avoid feeling bad about ripping their family apart. The best way to do that is get you on board, telling people. You can guarantee she’s telling other people she “had to leave” and “Rockon agrees it’s for the best”.
What people do to avoid responsibility is incredible.
Last edited by DnJ; 11/27/2211:01 PM. Reason: Removed extraneous quote command.
You are walking down the path to divorce by ignoring the advice that we ignored and learned the hard way.
Always wear a condom when you have sex with a woman is solid advice. Those that do not listen to that advice are taking risks of STDs and possible pregnancies.
Give your wife more space than she asks for is just as solid advice. Those that do not listen to that advice end up divorced. You are friend zoned. She needs to feel like she has lost you. That is one thing I know from the successful guys here. She has to miss your friendship. There is more to it than that, but that is at the top of the pile.
No need to stop parenting, but do not let that be an excuse to engage with her. Just learn new ways of parenting.
We are on your side and want to see your wife have a change of heart. Your choices in behavior now will have the biggest effect on this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I agree. Even LH19 advise is softer than what I would do.
Don’t tell me LH19 is getting too soft in his old age! Hahaha
You’re walking straight into the friend zone Rockon. That’s a one way ticket to loss of respect, and women CAN NOT be with a man they don’t respect.
If you’d said “I’m too busy, and it’s not appropriate for you drop in with your Mum” … this is what would have happened:
1. She blows up, starts being a b*tch. Throws toys out of the pram 2. You feel like crap because Mr Nice Guys don’t like to rock the boat and you want to nice her back
But… 3. She secretly would have respected you for being a man and standing up to her.
I’ll say it again - you have to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. You’re handing this divorce to her on a silver platter.
In my case, about 3 months after BD, I took my wedding ring off because I didn’t want to be with her any more and accepted the loss of our marriage. She saw me not wearing my ring about a week later, and in front of hundreds of people went absolutely ape sh*t. Screamed at me for taking it off, how dare I disrespect her like that, “I knew you were actually the one who wanted this divorce”… and then said “Doesn’t matter, I’ve only been wearing mine when you’re around anyway.”
This is from a woman who single-handedly had started an affair, initiated a highly acrimonious separation and divorce from a guy who just kept encouraging reconciliation. Go figure!
Why did she react like this? Because she had a narrative to her friends and to herself that it was all my fault, and when I finally stood up for myself and acted like a man, it didn’t fit with her plan.
When a controlling WW loses control over her Mr Nice Guy, they lose their sh**. It was horrible. But for the first time since BD, I felt like I was standing up for myself, and not playing along to her little script.
Why am I telling you this? It’s certainly not to encourage you to take your wedding ring off or bait her. It’s to implore you to stop dancing along to her little tune, because while you walk away from those interactions feeling more buoyed - you’re actually slowly putting the final nails in the coffin of your marriage.
You can not nice her back. Women won’t reconcile with a man that they don’t respect. Don’t do what feels comfortable.
