WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - 1.5 Year Divorced (8)

[BL42]

Previous Threads:
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (1)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (2)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (3)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (4)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (5)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (6)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - 1 Year Divorced (7)

Summary:
ExW (38) & I (40) were together 9 years, married 7, with two young children (then S4/D1, now S7/D4). BD shortly after a nice family Disney vacation, and soon discovered her affair w/married co-worker. For months I pursued, chased, begged, snooped...etc., put the kids to bed at night while she "worked late" and got up in the morning with them while she "went to work early". Affair w/OM1 blows up sometime around when their employer & OM1's wife find out; instead of working on the marriage ExW starts up w/OM2, moves out, files for divorce, moves OM2 right in (including with my kids). Physically separated occurred two and a half years ago and the divorce legally finalized a year and a half ago. ExW's been living with OM2 for over two years in a house she bought across the street from his sister.

Crushing it as a dad, at work / financially, and with GAL. Still dealing with some lingering anger around ExW's betrayal and OM2 being around my kids. Experimented with OLD apps for a time after D finalized but deleted my profiles awhile back and haven't fully jumped into the dating pool yet. Biggest focus has been the kids...

[bttrfly]

One more thought about the drop off, and the crushing sense of emptiness when the kids leave. Thankfully my ex always picked our son up, but ... even that was painful - to watch and know I wouldn't see my son for an entire week ... devastating is the word which comes to mind. A continual reminder of the failure of our marriage and the annihilation of our family, my hopes and dreams.

So, one day, as I was curled in the fetal position sobbing my heart out, I decided I didn't want to live like this any more. I decided the best thing I could do was volunteer somewhere - to give back in some small way to show gratitude for what I still had that was good in my life. I was lucky enough to be accepted as a volunteer at an endangered wildlife educational facility, a place I'd been interested in for years. My shift was always the same Sunday morning that my son would leave with his dad. Eventually I felt comfortable leaving before pick up so I wouldn't see the departure. I needed to make sure it was ok with both of us - my son and with me, to leave before he did.

While it was never ok that my son was living out of a backpack and bouncing back and forth between parents like a tennis ball, the sense of purpose I felt knowing it was volunteer day enabled me to find my way through the pain, anger and grief. The work was hard, often physical. The reward was earning the trust of the animals there and the knowledge that I was helping. Suddenly I wasn't so powerless after all.

But, I wouldn't have come to that place if I hadn't first spent a lot of time thinking about what my core values were post BD, and even earlier than that, discovering what my love languages are while DBing my marriage. Acts of service is one of my love languages and also a core value, as well as a love of animals. I'm forever grateful that I spent the time alone so I could get to know myself post BD, rather than getting distracted by idle flirtations or taking up with any of the guys who started to circle around after exh left. The growth from that time was priceless, and my relationships with those animals ... so humbling. They helped me find my joy again - especially a certain handsome furry fellow who would steal kisses when I least expected it. To have a 140 pound wolf dog hybrid suddenly jump up to kiss me on the cheek then run away before I had a chance to react will remain one of my favorite memories for my entire life, as will having my face completely slobbered by wolf kisses. I'm sure they helped me more than I helped them.

Anyway, that's what worked for me. Perhaps this resonates with you, or someone reading along.

[DnJ]

Hello BL

I thought I’d drop by:

You are giving excellent advice to posters. I enjoy reading your well thought out suggestions. Well done!



Somehow I missed a couple your posts.

I love the after Thanksgiving tradition. Green Christmas tree pancakes sound awesome. M&Ms ornaments and whipped cream garland, the kids would love those! The whole days sounds wonderful.

Well done not letting your feelings take over your day and ruin it. How long until they fleeted? Just curious, if you don’t mind.

It hit me a bit hard on the drive back and definitely on my mind during the workout (which of course helped), and I think it lingered throughout the day and perhaps later on I was a bit down being the holiday. When my kids returned that evening I felt the love and was back in full fledge loving dad mode.

Sounds like a reasonable response. And timeline.

“Hit me a bit hard” is the triggered feelings. Hit. Non rational. Felt. Emotions influencing thoughts.

“On my mind”, “lingered throughout the day” is the reinforcing of the feelings. Thoughts influencing emotions.

Absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. You didn’t get dragged around. And you controlled your thoughts and actions. And yes, a bit down due to the holiday is understandable and mixed in too.

Next time, fleeting will be even quicker. Your mind now has a map. A route. A guide. Telling yourself (and me) about your timeline crafts and reinforces the route. Your mind is listening. It now knows. And realizes that it knows. (Well you do. Seriously I’m not bonkers, it is just helpful to see your mind separate. If you know what I mean. ) Anyhow, with that route established, it’s just a matter of how swiftly now.

You know you can do it. It’s similar for forgiveness. Once we know and believe we can get over the hurdle, we’re there.

And forgiving really lessens the triggering in the first place.

Take care.

D

[OnlyBent]

Yo BL, what's the latest? Plans for Xmas? How's the potential dating going?

When's that trip to Australia?

[BL42]

bttrfly,

One more thought about the drop off, and the crushing sense of emptiness when the kids leave...

So, one day, as I was curled in the fetal position sobbing my heart out, I decided I didn't want to live like this any more. I decided the best thing I could do was volunteer somewhere - to give back in some small way to show gratitude for what I still had that was good in my life...

Anyway, that's what worked for me. Perhaps this resonates with you, or someone reading along.

Thanks for the recommendation. In the Thanksgiving case it was more about crossing paths with OM2 than missing the kids - though I do miss them - but point taken. I have volunteered a bit - worked a soup kitchen last year for the first time I wasn't with them on Christmas Day. Maybe something more regular would be good, but also only have so much capacity with full-time work and coaching S7's sports. I may look into it though. Would be a good way to network / socialize too.

[BL42]

DnJ,

Hello BL

I thought I’d drop by:

You are giving excellent advice to posters. I enjoy reading your well thought out suggestions. Well done!

Thanks. I've been trying to pay it forward and help others, especially the Newbies, because I know how awful and difficult a period that was for me and others. Hopefully I'm giving good and advice and if nothing else just getting responses I think makes folks who are spinning feel better.

I love the after Thanksgiving tradition. Green Christmas tree pancakes sound awesome. M&Ms ornaments and whipped cream garland, the kids would love those! The whole days sounds wonderful.

It's been real nice. I'm glad the kids remember it, anticipate it, and get excited about it. Makes me feel close to them and love that they're so close to my parents too.

[BL42]

OnlyBent,

Yo BL, what's the latest?

I've been feeling down and maybe a bit depressed over the last month or two to be honest. A couple things I've been meaning to post about, plus the holidays coming up.

Plans for Xmas?

S7 and D4 will be with me for Christmas Eve/Day this year so that's nice. Been a bit stressed about the prep, but hopefully have that under control now after this weekend.

How's the potential dating going?

Non-existent. I deleted OLD profiles months ago and the setups friends have alluded to haven't come to fruition. The one mom who was flirting with me hard over SM stopped messaging once I broached the topic of her martial status, so that answers that question I suppose. My sister's friend single mom who her and my mom were trying to get me together with is seeing someone. And my good buddy's friend's SIL single mom set up doesn't seem to be happening. Need to figure out a way to network more in that area. Tough with my job to meet people through work.

When's that trip to Australia?

Sounds fantastic but it might be awhile!

[BL42]

Been feeling down and a bit depressed lately, probably the last month and a half. Maybe why I haven't given an update in awhile, though I guess that should be the opposite lol...

Halloween with the kiddos went well for the most part. I volunteered as a class parent to run S7's school party, which went great and it seemed like he appreciated. Unfortunately I didn't realize at the time signing up it'd conflict with D4's school parade so I felt a lot of guilt missing that, but there wasn't much I could do. My mom went instead and D4 ran over to her, hugged her, and had her walk w/D4 (even though ExW was there) so it was nice she had someone from my side. Although afterwards ExW shot me an email and said "you could've told me you were doing S7's party. Are you a class parent or something?" (I told her I wouldn't make D4's event, but not why).

Also, I took the kids to my country club's Halloween party the next night and we had a blast! They had a DJ and were rolling people up in toilet paper mummy's and there was an incredible haunted hay ride on part of the golf course which I was nervous about my kids being scared (E.g., people w/chain saws attacking the tractor) but S7 was laughing and loved it and said he wanted to be an actor next year and D4 told me "Daddy I did not like those scary men...can we do that again?! I want to do that again!!!". So sounds like they weren't scarred for life or anything. And they already want to go back to the party next year.

Both had fantastic homemade costumes (S7's was especially tricky), which they loved and looked great in. And we had some neighborhood friends over for pizza before trick-or-treating, like usual, which was fun. As for trick-or-treating itself...S7 had a blast with our neighborhood friends we always go with but ExFIL showed up before he was invited and D4 latched on to him and I was torn and caught in the middle between the two with D7 running ahead and D4 latched on to ExFIL. And then when ExFIL had to leave she was crying and having a fit. Then, halfway through I had to take them to ExW's house (we agreed to split the night), and D4 was crying about ExFIL and apparently S7 wouldn't wear his mom's costume and refused to go out trick or treating over there telling her "I was having fun, why did I have to leave my friends?". So not the ideal trick-or treating experience.

Anyway...two things that have gotten me down recently...

ExFIL has been increasingly difficult towards me and my parents since Halloween. Apparently he lost it on his W in front of my parents that night, the stress of D4 and his relationship with ExW I guess. I wasn't there but it was a scene. And since has been very gruff and a bit nasty to me and my parents for no good reason really. If anything we've gone out of our way to keep up friendly relations with him and his W considering his daughter cheated on and divorced me, inviting them to things for the kids. But he called me to ask if he could come over dressed as Santa late Christmas Eve well after the kids go to sleep and then wake them up in the middle of the night to have them "see Santa". I thought it was a horrible idea (waking them up in the middle of the night, what if they ran down and didn't want "Santa" to go and then had a meltdown, or god forbid recognized him as grandpa...just didn't think it was a good idea. So he was very mad and passive aggressive about that and hung up abruptly. And then he's emailed me about D4 and meltdowns and how if ExW and I don't work together she's going to end up self-harming herself as a teenager. And finally at a sports game he refused to even say hi to my parents - who have been nothing but nice to him - and at the end of the game I said with a friendly smile "Hey ExFIL, how are you doing today?" and he responded with "a lot of room for improvement BL42, a lot of room for improvement". For a half second I thought he was referring to the game which we won and thought he was kidding but then I realized he was directing that at me. So I thought my parents and I were doing the right thing to keep things up with them for the kids and because they didn't really wrong me, but now I'm second-guessing that relationship. Not that I need a R with them, but thought we were all trying to keep it reasonable and friendly and it's hit me a bit the things he's said. And who really knows, but it sounds like his R with ExW isn't too great at the moment either, so maybe he's just redrecting his anger about her towards me. I don't know. Seemed like ExFIL was the reasonable one and ExMIL was the crazy one, but maybe it's on both sides. Perhaps I need to set some boundaries there and back away.

Anyway the other more important thing that's weighing on me is D4. She's had a slew of major melt downs lately. She's very sweet when she's happy, but gets into a spin at times and just loses it and it's bad. Hard to know what's being a 4yo and what's the struggle with the divorce and constantly going back and forth with people and places, but feels like extra / more serious than a normal 4yo behavior. It was a really tough week the last one with the kids. It was a hard on me, especially as a single dad. So now I'm wondering about counseling for D4. After the holidays I may schedule a session with a child counselor for me and discuss recommended paths.

This past week I was out of town hosting a face-to-face meeting for a lot of people who report to me and our stakeholders. It was great to see folks in person for the first time in quiet awhile (or in some cases ever), and think the team saw value in it and got energized, so that was great. D7 and S4 got sick this week, and although I did miss them, it was nice to avoid the illness and have ExW scramble and deal with it for once (seems like it's mostly been on me over the last two years).

So anyway...ExFIL interactions and D4 meltdowns have been weighing on me, plus prepping for Christmas for the two young kids (still believers) has me stressed though my mom has helped and pre-wrapped some gifts and I did a whole bunch of shopping this weekend, so I'm feeling much more prepared now, almost ready a week in advance.

Hope everyone else is ready for the Holidays. Would love to hear if you have any thoughts.

[bttrfly]

hey BL.
I have no magic words, sadly. First, I want you to know I think you're doing a fantastic job as a single dad. This is a tough time of year, for many reasons.

Kids go through phases. I think it's a good idea to talk to someone re the meltdowns. exFIL is another story. Perhaps you could invite him out for coffee and have a man to man talk with him, using your mutual concern for the well being of the kids as your starting point.

I read his answer differently ... a lot of room for improvement in answer to your question of how HE was doing. telling you he isn't doing very well, from my interpretation.

BL, I'm going to suggest something that might be hard: dig deeper for some compassion for exFIL. Think about your daughter. Imagine her as an adult, married to a great guy, with a beautiful family, and she blows it all up. How would you feel? Heartbroken? Disappointed in her? Ashamed of her behavior? Questioning what you could have done differently as a parent? Devastated and worried for your grandchildren?

I think you and exFIL might find your way. It's Christmas. There's magic to this season of hope, love and compassion. Think about it my friend.

xoxo

[OnlyBent]

Thanks. I've been trying to pay it forward and help others, especially the Newbies, because I know how awful and difficult a period that was for me and others. Hopefully I'm giving good and advice and if nothing else just getting responses I think makes folks who are spinning feel better.

Hats off to you BL, you're definitely kicking goals with this. Highly commendable how much effort you are putting in.

Non-existent. I deleted OLD profiles months ago and the setups friends have alluded to haven't come to fruition.

I sometimes had found the same thing when friends mentioned a setup. The way I look at it is like job interviews, if they're interested, they'll contact you. Maybe, the friend did mention and the setup wasn't interested, maybe they forgot, maybe they're a bit of all talk and the other person wasn't as great or available as they made out. I've had offers here and there with varying degrees of success. What I found is, that if you have the abundance mentality or even just an abundance (from all sources of dating as LH would say), then you won't care if it does or doesn't come through, and strangely that's when these sort of things to do tend to come through. Does that make sense?

Re the interactions with the FIL, as everyone has always said on here, blood will always be thicker. I was very close with my brother in law and he always told me how little he thought of my XW, but guess what....we don't talk anymore and he and his sister still do.

The second point is that once you stop giving a fuch about letting anyone else's mood affect you, the better your life will become. The FIL doesn't like you, zero fuchs given, that's your greatest power. I'm not saying be a dik, but just not letting what others think get to you. I'm there now with XW after being scared of her moods and what she thought for 10+ years and its very liberating. and she can't stand it!

BL, you're doing great, and its totally common after putting in 2 years of hard yakka on yourself, kids, gym, work, etc to regress a bit in the effort that you can make. Give yourself a break, recharge and get back to a good balance of work and play.

[Mach1]

I wonder, after reading that....

I wonder if your X-FIL is having some feelings of failure on his part. He's caught somewhere in between feeling like he failed in some way with his daughter, and vowing to do everything that he can to be different with his grand-daughter.

I think a lot of that comes from the primal male instinct to be "fixers".

I would venture that a lot of his anger is coming from feeling the loss of 'control' from everything that has happened. Feeling the resentment and anxiety from the interactions.

No matter how much or how hard he tries, he can't change what has happened.

I would also think that he sees how good of a parent you are, and his loyalty should be with his Daughter, yet he feels torn between the loyalty to her and his loyalty to his grandchildren.

Loyalty to her is to not have contact with you...

Loyalty to them means forming a relationship with you also...

Blood is thicker than water....always. And he could quite possibly be having a hard time in finding that balance and separating the two things.

Either way....IMO you deal with it in two ways...

You let things stay as they are and YOU struggle....

Or you have a conversation with him...

Hey man, I'm not sure if you are trying to treat me with a lack of courtesy and respect, however, the parenting of our children isn't a negotiable event that all can attend. I keep you in the loop as a courtesy. However, if you feel that you want to continue to treat me with anger and disrespect, then all future correspondences will go through your daughter instead of me.

Either way, don't let it change your course, and certainly don't let it throw your balance off in any way.

Whatever the reason, they are his reasons and not yours.

I would assume that this is more about him than anything that you are doing or have done....


As for your Daughter....

Well, she is a 4 year old girl, and they do throw tantrums and they do have meltdowns...(sometimes that goes away with Women )



I'm not saying to not keep an eye on it, just don't overthink this for right now. Read and learn about normal behavior ( if there is such a thing) and if there isn't anything alarming, then address things as normally as possible. The last thing you need is for her to have self-esteem issues by making more of this than there is, or her allowing herself to think that there is something wrong with her....

Maybe have a risk/reward system in place for her to start understanding consequences.

Acceptable behavior as opposed to unacceptable behavior.



So what's Christmas look like to you and the kiddos ? Anything special ? New traditions ??


Keep going man, you are knocking this out of the park....

Strength and honor....

[Ginger1]

Ok, first, I’m sorry you are down and depressed. Unfortunately k am right there with ya. The holiday cheer isn’t for everyone . I get it.

Secondly, ex FIL. I imagine he is struggling with this as well . I’m sure it is especially hard when the in laws are very close and it’s difficult to navigate for them as well. I was at the gym this morning and my trainer was telling me he does 4 chiststmases. His parents are divorced and his grandparents are divorced. He said he always enjoyed the presents, but it’s a lot in one day.

Which brings me to the kids. I know I had a expressed to you in the past revisiting your parenting plan. Needs change with different ages. I don’t think D4 per say needs therapy yet, but maybe some guidance from a professional in this area on how best to arrange your custody time for less stress.

Having to do Halloween on different costumes is stressful! I would urge you guys to get a little more on the same page with that. One costume for the kids. Why do they have to have 2? My ex and asked our kid what she wanted to be and we sit the cost of the costume. And when she was young we both took her trick or treating. As it became more about her friends. I would take her with her friends and before hand she would do with ex and her cousins for a little bit. Now neither of us are present, lol. Maybe consider asking the kids what they prefer on the holiday, rather than what you guys prefer. Son wanted to be with friends. He’s getting to that age now. We are just there to make sure they are safe.

D4 and meltdowns. Some on the words might remember in my previous screen and that my daughter was hell on wheels. Meltdowns, stubbornnes, everything, not listening. I was so stressed. It was awful. Parts of it is normal stuff. Girls are different creatures than girls. She was also bored in preschool and thankfully she went to kindergarten sooner than most. She would cause destruction. Part of it was transitions. The good news is my kid is a well-adjusted 15 year old now.

I absolutely think sitting down with a therapist to figure out what would make things easier on her is a great idea. I also remember when my daughter was 5 and she was acting like a crazy woman, I just sat her down and I asked her what was really bothering her. She broke down and told me that she is sad she doesn’t see her father too much. She just needed to vent to me. And she was a lot better after that. I actually got my ex to take an extra night after that convo ( he was returning her at 6pm on sundays his weekend, and he agreed to keep her on those Sunday’s)

Also, maybe communicating about kids stuff a little better would be good. Mom should know if dad is volunteering at the their sons class party. My ex wasn’t involved in much that way, but I never left him out of the loop. ( although I regret that time I told him I was going to be her class mystery reader and he slipped and said something to her)

You are doing a great job navigating this really tough emotional and logistical situation. I know the holidays seem to amplify it. Make sure you take some time for yourself and do a little self care

[BL42]

bttrfly/OB/Mach1/Ginger,

Thanks for the feedback on ExFIL and D4. Despite the delayed response (always seem to take longer replying on my own thread than others' for some reason), I read through each of these a few times and it helped quite a bit.

In terms of ExFIL...

My parents and I had a relatively cordial almost friendly relationship (considering the situation) for the first 2+ years post-separation but after Halloween it's been a big switch and he's been very cold, standoffish, even rude. Since I posted we had D4's school Christmas concert where ExFIL and his wife said hello and were friendly to me, so thought maybe it was over, but then then next week he almost refused to acknowledge my parents when my mom gave a friendly hello and Happy New Years at D7's game.

BL, I'm going to suggest something that might be hard: dig deeper for some compassion for exFIL. Think about your daughter. Imagine her as an adult, married to a great guy, with a beautiful family, and she blows it all up. How would you feel? Heartbroken? Disappointed in her? Ashamed of her behavior? Questioning what you could have done differently as a parent? Devastated and worried for your grandchildren?

Secondly, ex FIL. I imagine he is struggling with this as well . I’m sure it is especially hard when the in laws are very close and it’s difficult to navigate for them as well.

I wonder if your X-FIL is having some feelings of failure on his part. He's caught somewhere in between feeling like he failed in some way with his daughter, and vowing to do everything that he can to be different with his grand-daughter.

I would venture that a lot of his anger is coming from feeling the loss of 'control' from everything that has happened. Feeling the resentment and anxiety from the interactions.

I would also think that he sees how good of a parent you are, and his loyalty should be with his Daughter, yet he feels torn between the loyalty to her and his loyalty to his grandchildren.

Your comments on empathy and compassion towards him are fair and well taken...I know for sure this situation between me and his daughter is giving him flashbacks of him and my ExMIL and haunting him. He's reliving it. They had even gone to Disney not long before he found out about her affair and divorce...just like me and ExW! Talk about a physiological replay. I used to wonder what ExW's IC said to her about that. And I know this whole thing has cause strain between him and ExW's side of the family because he's tried to stay friendly and cordial with us (if nothing else for the kids' sake), so maybe he's distancing himself for those reasons, which I really can't blame him for.

Re the interactions with the FIL, as everyone has always said on here, blood will always be thicker.

The second point is that once you stop giving a fuch about letting anyone else's mood affect you, the better your life will become. The FIL doesn't like you, zero fuchs given, that's your greatest power.

I honestly do not need to be best friends with him, and totally understand blood is thicker, but at least be cordial and not a jerk about it. Maybe it's the abrupt about face that's surprising. I think over time it'll either get better or to OB's point the "dont give a F about another mood and letting them affect you will take hold".

In terms of D4...

She's been wonderful since I last posted. Very happy, pleasant, enjoyed the holidays...etc. with very little emotional outbursts or meltdowns. So, not out of the words by any means and certainly need to monitor things, but a lot calmer and more at ease than after that rough week.

Well, she is a 4 year old girl, and they do throw tantrums and they do have meltdowns...I'm not saying to not keep an eye on it, just don't overthink this for right now.

The challenge with this - and a lot of things - is knowing what's "normal" versus what might be a serious issue due to the divorce. I need to read up more and talk to someone probably to get a better sense of the baseline.

I don’t think D4 per say needs therapy yet, but maybe some guidance from a professional in this area on how best to arrange your custody time for less stress.

D4 and meltdowns. Some on the words might remember in my previous screen and that my daughter was hell on wheels. Meltdowns, stubbornnes, everything, not listening. I was so stressed. It was awful. Parts of it is normal stuff. Girls are different creatures than girls. She was also bored in preschool and thankfully she went to kindergarten sooner than most. She would cause destruction. Part of it was transitions. The good news is my kid is a well-adjusted 15 year old now.

Ginger1 - Reading this helped immensely. Definitely put my mind more at ease. My #1 job is to do everything I can to make sure those two wonderful kiddos are alright. Now-S7 did struggle a good bit after BD and with separation and crying and missing mommy and transitions, but this D4 behavior is a different animal. Maybe it's just what she would've gone through as a 4yo anyway, who knows for sure, but it helps to hear your experience and I do believe we'll get her through this.

Having to do Halloween on different costumes is stressful! I would urge you guys to get a little more on the same page with that. One costume for the kids. Why do they have to have 2?

It wasn't a "have to" - it honestly doesn't matter to me what the kids are for Halloween - they just asked for that from both of us. But maybe in the moment and the upset feelings around having to cut out on his friends to go to mommy's escalated things. First year ExW went to OM2's niece's birthday party instead of coming over for the kids, so I had them myself. Since we split it up. Agreed things should go differently next year.

I absolutely think sitting down with a therapist to figure out what would make things easier on her is a great idea.

Agreed. Think we need to do just that.

Keep going man, you are knocking this out of the park....

First, I want you to know I think you're doing a fantastic job as a single dad.

BL, you're doing great, and its totally common after putting in 2 years of hard yakka on yourself, kids, gym, work, etc to regress a bit in the effort that you can make. Give yourself a break, recharge and get back to a good balance of work and play.

You are doing a great job navigating this really tough emotional and logistical situation. I know the holidays seem to amplify it. Make sure you take some time for yourself and do a little self care

Thanks all! Deeply appreciate the kind words of encouragement! Feel free to pour it on :-)

[BL42]

Christmas with the kids was wonderful!

Everything worked out perfectly, despite the stress and anxiousness of preparing for it as a single parent of two young believers, and we all had a blast...especially S7 and D4!

My sister had baby#2! So I now have a baby nephew and the kids a baby cousin! She was due right around Christmas, which was part of my stress because my parents have helped Santa prep in the past, but this year were on grandparent duty to drive out of town to help with my niece if my sister and BIL were in the hospital. Fortunately the baby arrived a week early so mom and dad were there helping there for a full week, then I traveled with S7 & D4 to meet the baby on the 23rd and into Christmas Eve visited. Everyone enjoyed the time together, the three cousins always have fun and they made Christmas cookies (which we took back to leave out for Santa) and D4 held her baby cousin (though S7 was more tentative!).

So we all traveled back on Christmas Eve, went to church, drove around to see Christmas lights, did "Twas the Night Before Christmas", left out cookies...etc. Santa had a lot prepped (with the help of some family elves) and got to bed before midnight and the kids slept in until 7:20am for the win!

Both S7 and D4 had a wonderful morning of opening presents. S7 got some video games and an air hockey table and D4 had some especially priceless reactions to some princess dresses and Encanto house, and surprisingly a Dumbo stuffy Santa never expected to be her favorite.

Anyway, mid-next day I took them over to ExW's. And fortunately because I have a fixed holiday week and ExW had to work I had them again all day Wed & Thurs (ExW suggested they just stay over night) and then saw them again Saturday morning for S7's game. So I really had at most a day or two away from them. Not unusual, but nice considering the Holidays. And I used the "off" days to rest up and meet with up friends a few evenings.

Thought I might be alone for New Years. Last year a buddy through a big party with a dozen couples friends, but this year people were scattered. Fortunately at the last minute a buddy who lives in my neighborhood invited me other with his family and there 4 couples I know. So although I'd rather have a date or SO for once to kiss at midnight, at least I was with friends who care.

And then the kids came back on Monday the 2nd because the three of us had off from work / school for New Years observed and watched the Rose Bowl together.

So all in all a very nice Holiday season :-) And now we're back in to the work / school grind...

Hope everyone here had a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Years. Wishing all the best in 2023!

[DnJ]

Hello BL

Year 2022 came to close in a wonderful way. A new baby nephew, all heathy. S7 & D4 sharing their belief and spirit of St.Nick. I can’t believe they slept in until 7:20am. Yay, for you! And much quality family time.

Best wishes for 2023.

D

[bttrfly]

congrats on the new kid on the family block

Your kids slept in longer than my 23 year old, his 21 year old gf and their 23 year old friend, who were all chomping at the bit for the old lady to bring over the christmas loot, lol.

May our children never outgrow the magic and love of Christmas!

[BL42]

Completed my 3rd gym session of 2023:

Jan 1st - 4.5 miles treadmill & Leg Day
Jan 3rd - 4.2 miles treadmill, Chest & Back, & Abs
Jan 6th - 5.0 miles treadmill, Bis & Tris, & Abs

Proud of myself for fitting them in on a "kids" week. Next week's goal is 5 sessions.

I've also eaten mostly fresh and avoided junk food this week, including drinking water instead of other beverages.

My body is feeling energized and I can feel the physical benefits already.

Trying to be purposefully more consistent on the cardio/lifting/diet front (as well as general self care) in 2023. I'm in decent shape already but really want to crush it by the end of the year. I may post of monthly status to stay motivated and accountable.

After today's workout met up with a buddy at the club to play our first round of the Winter Sim Golf League. Now I have an hour to relax before picking up D4 and then S7 from school and enjoying the weekend with the kiddos.

[Rockon]

Outstanding BL

[Ginger1]

Nice work!!! Sounds like you are well on your way to crushing it!

My body and my mind always feel energized after a great workout

[Rockon]

Playing soccer did it for me tonight!

[BL42]

So a weird thing happened to today...

Had a few uninvited dreams last week which I meant to post about at the time and should've because now I can't remember all the details, but...

The first one was mid last week about ExW. I was in the house we lived in together when engaged and first married (which we moved into and lived with OM2 in after physical separation). Anyway I'm in the basement playing arcade basketball with S7 and trying to get more time with him and D4 when ExW shows up with OM2 all flirty and I feel a tinge about my family and wishing it were back. That's one of those dreams were you kind of know you're dreaming but can't quite snap out of it. Definitely unwelcomed. And it's actually been quite awhile since I've had one.

The very next night I have a second dream this time about a woman I dated right after my first very long term girlfriend (9 years) and I broke up. She wasn't the only one I dated before ExW and it was more like a Summer fling really but she was hot and I definitely got attached too quickly and took some time to get over it. We had another very brief run awhile later after she broke up with the next guy, but anyway...in the dream she and I are flirting and I'm trying to win her back a bit. Again, kind of starting to wake up and realize it's not real but still not with it and dreaming.

So today...guess who reaches out to me via social media and asks "How's life?". This second dream girl! Bizarre timing, no? Is that crazy or what? We exchange a few messages and I leave it at that and then she asks "this might sound weird or inappropriate but I'd love to catch up". So I said why not, knowing I'm not attached in any way and would not pursue, and we talk for 20 mins. She's married with two kids and lives in suburbia. She tells me she married a guy who went to the same college and major as me and likes the same teams and vacations in a similar destination and jokes that he's like BL42 version 2 (which I've actually always noted to myself, but didn't say).

Anyway...she's married with kids so there's absolutely no way anything would happen. Just figured I'd mention it because A) the incredible timing and B) it just goes to show (even if there's no future potential) they always reach out and never stop thinking of you completely.

[BL42]

Oh yeah, and crushed it on the GAL front last week:

Thursday - Golf Sim League and Bowling League
Friday - Gym, haircut & beard trim, open skate, drink with a buddy
Saturday - Gym, sim golf and NFL playoff games with 8 buddies
Sunday - Gym, another open skate, and stuff around the house

Stats from my 4 gym sessions since my last post:

Jan 13th - 3.5 miles treadmill, Leg Day, Open Skate
Jan 14th - 4.0 miles treadmill, Chest & Back
Jan 15th - 4.0 miles treadmill, Bis & Tris, Open Skate
Jan 17th - 5.25 miles treadmill, Abs & Speed Bag

So I've done 30 miles on the treadmill and 2 rotations of lifting (Legs, Bis/Tris, and Chest/Back days) in 2023. Need to keep up the momentum and make it a month, then 3 and then 6...into all of 2023. That's why I'm posting here for accountability.

[kml]

So today...guess who reaches out to me via social media and asks "How's life?". This second dream girl! Bizarre timing, no? Is that crazy or what? We exchange a few messages and I leave it at that and then she asks "this might sound weird or inappropriate but I'd love to catch up"

That's some psychic stuff there. But also - DANGER WILL ROBINSON. The married lady who calls the ex-boyfriend out of the blue just to catch up is probably having some temporary glitch in her marriage's matrix - stay away!

[DonH]

DANGER WILL ROBINSON. The married lady who calls the ex-boyfriend out of the blue just to catch up is probably having some temporary glitch in her marriage's matrix -

Yeah I was thinking the same. The stories about this type of thing are endless.

stay away!

Not sure you need to stay away. It’s not your job to make decisions for her. But proceed with the utmost caution and eyes wide open.

[BL42]

DANGER WILL ROBINSON. The married lady who calls the ex-boyfriend out of the blue just to catch up is probably having some temporary glitch in her marriage's matrix -

Yeah I was thinking the same. The stories about this type of thing are endless.

The thought certainly crossed my mind but really don't think it was anything but an innocent catch up. I had no ulterior motive and didn't sense any on her end. Plus she talked about her husband and not in a negative way.

stay away!

Not sure you need to stay away. It’s not your job to make decisions for her. But proceed with the utmost caution and eyes wide open.

I have no intention of reaching back out, plus we live a decent drive away - just thought it was an interesting/physic story to share relevant to relationships.

[Ginger1]

Everyone is glassing over the most important thing here….

You ice skate, BL?!

[Ginger1]

I’m also guessing you are an eagles fan.

[OnlyBent]

I thought it was that BL has a beard, I had him more picked for the clean cut type. You like dudes with beards right G?

[Ginger1]

I thought it was that BL has a beard, I had him more picked for the clean cut type. You like dudes with beards right G?

I totally had him pegged for a clean cut dude too.

But I like em’ with beards. Give me a ginger beard and play hockey, and I am putty in your hands .

And no BL, gritty does not count as a bearded ginger

[LH19]

I thought it was that BL has a beard, I had him more picked for the clean cut type. You like dudes with beards right G?

Apparently her ex trims her bush so who knows?

[bttrfly]

snow's picking up here. still fluffy but falling faster ...

[BL42]

Everyone is glassing over the most important thing here….

Apparently I buried the lede??? Thought folks would be interested in the dreams and Ex out-of-the blue contact!

You ice skate, BL?!

Sure do! Love me a warm sunny beach but also stay active in winter. And Ginger...they're hockey, not figure skates ;-)

I thought it was that BL has a beard, I had him more picked for the clean cut type. You like dudes with beards right G?

I totally had him pegged for a clean cut dude too.

You two were on to me...until my 180. I've always been clean cut - maybe a bit of scruff at times - but basically just decided to stop shaving on a whim down the shore this Summer and let it go for a couple months as an experiment. Gotten it trimmed up professionally a few times since when it got unwieldy. I've actually been shocked by how many people commented positively. I've decided to keep it at least through the Winter.

But I like em’ with beards. Give me a ginger beard and play hockey, and I am putty in your hands.

And no BL, gritty does not count as a bearded ginger

Picture this at your social event at the NJ/Philly game next month...

Gritty skates out, pulls the Devil's jersey over his head, grabs the mic, takes off his orange bearded head to reveal...BL42! Announces over the PA system: "Ginger1! Come down to center ice and proclaim your love for...all things Flyers!"

What would you do Ginger?!?

I thought it was that BL has a beard, I had him more picked for the clean cut type. You like dudes with beards right G?

Apparently her ex trims her bush so who knows?

Was waiting for LH's response as soon as I read that, but then Mach40 came in aggressive w/the vajazzle comment.

snow's picking up here. still fluffy but falling faster ...

Seems random bttrfly. You get the right thread?

[bttrfly]

wrong mach, back it up 39 BL

yes, I have the right thread.

[Ginger1]

Eh, I don’t care about your ex or ex GF 😂

I care more that you HOCKEY skate. I love going to open skate. With figure skates or hockey skates. I did take figure skating lessons when I was younger. I’m not a shabby skater.

That is probably the biggest dilemma I would have! I could not proclaim I love all things flyers. I would probably rip your clothes off and put a that devils jersey on you though 😉😉. Now THAT would be ultimate fantasy.

I’m also single again…..

[Vapo]

This thread sure did take a weird turn. Are you guys sure you are in the right place? Trimming bushes and naked ice skating? REally?

[bttrfly]

Vapo you need to pop in more often

[BL42]

Ginger1,

I care more that you HOCKEY skate. I love going to open skate. With figure skates or hockey skates. I did take figure skating lessons when I was younger. I’m not a shabby skater.

Me too. Lots of skating and skiing this time of year. Planned to take D4 this weekend - she's been asking and talking about it all week - last minute she changed her mind and didn't want to go. S7 has been pushing back on it even though he had fun when we went last year. Think D4 was just tired so maybe another day, but I was so disappointed. Want them to get into the Winter sports with me!

That is probably the biggest dilemma I would have! I could not proclaim I love all things flyers. I would probably rip your clothes off and put a that devils jersey on you though 😉😉. Now THAT would be ultimate fantasy.

I'll admit you had me excited there for a second, but what a mood killer ending. Total turn off.

Just a reminder if you do rip off my clothes...the ice is cold! ;-)

[bttrfly]

BL, why don't you put a rink in your yard?

Hockey mom here. Our son learned to skate at age 3. He played hockey right through til he quit at 16. My exh made a rink in the back yard every winter and we'd usually have several of the his teammates over on the weekends. We also lived around the corner from an awesome park with a pond in the middle that would freeze for outdoor skating each winter. Really great memories. If you decide to do it, make the liner out of the material they shrink wrap boats with for winter storage.

The kids will love it and so will you.

[Ginger1]

Ahhhhh, the old “cold” excuse ! 😂

I took my D ice skating for the first time at 4. It was pretty much me holding her up the time, lol.then around 10? We got her lessons. She kind of stinks at it, but goes with her friend. I take them so I can skate too!

Skiing, my ex traumatized me when I was 20. Then I tried snowboarding with my ex hour friend at 38. Not for me. I’m happy to be in the lodge in front of the fire with a hot toddie. Truth me told, I am not coordinated . I can just ice skate. Everything else I’m a klutz.

My D tried snowboarding school with a friend last year but wasn’t a fan. She wants to try skiing this year, but wants me to teach her. Yes, I explained I cannot because I $uck. She still wants me to though. Sadly, he dad was an excellent skier . But he has so many ailments he can’t do it anymore. He’s seriously an old man.

B- we have only had freezing temps in these parts during Christmas. Otherwise it’s been unseasonably warm and rainy. An ice rink would never make it around here

[bttrfly]

ice rink always hit or miss depending on weather.

[DnJ]

ice rink always hit or miss depending on weather.

Oh I hear you. November to March is pretty much guaranteed. But May is a bit iffy. Lol

[bttrfly]

only in your benighted part of the world D...

[BL42]

BL, why don't you put a rink in your yard?

Geez bttrfly! I'm sitting here thinking I'm crushing it as a single dad and you have to go and make me feel inadequate! lol

S7 actually did ask me this year if Santa could get him an indoor soccer dome in the back yard: "Eh...not sure Santa does that buddy...don't think it would fit in his sled?" lol

Skiing, my ex traumatized me when I was 20.

Sounds like you just need the right teacher ;-)

I’m happy to be in the lodge in front of the fire with a hot toddie.

Nothing wrong with that! ...perhaps a hot chocolate and Baileys as well?

She wants to try skiing this year, but wants me to teach her.

Just tell her to pizza and french fry and she'll be fine.

[Ginger1]

I’ll try skiing again, but only with you.

Especially if there is pizza, French fries, and hot chocolate with baileys ( that sounds delicious) involved .

[bttrfly]

BL, why don't you put a rink in your yard?

Geez bttrfly! I'm sitting here thinking I'm crushing it as a single dad and you have to go and make me feel inadequate! lol

It's a gift.
G can boost your ego, lol

[Ginger1]

I enjoy boosting your ego, BL. I’m happy to do it!

I am going to ask you a tough question though. I know you are PARTIALLY joking when you say you are inadequate as a single dad for not making a hockey rink.

But there was truth to it. You are indeed killing it as a single dad. Even take the single part out . You are killing it as a dad. I imagine if you were married, you would never think you were inadequate at all for not doing the huge gestures.

You don’t have to “make-up” for anything, especially for your ex wanting a divorce. Your ex doesn’t even have to make up for that in big gestures.

Killing it as a parent looks the same either way. Being emotionally present, keeping them safe, helping them grow and learn and teaching them healthy boundaries. You do that, and you are killing it as a parent? Single or not !!!

OK, back to our regularly schedules program. You better get a move on, BL, my coworker gave my number to her boyfriends friend . He lives in PA and is a flyers fan. I was hoping it might be you, but the picture isn’t how I imagine you to look.

[bttrfly]

if skating is something you really love, and you'd like to share that with your kids, then build a rink.

it's a ton of fun and their friends LOVE to come skate.

if skating isn't for you, then do something else.

[bttrfly]

Remember I was married to the guy who built a rink every year, yet brought his AP to Hawaii on our 21st wedding anniversary and tried to stiff me with half the bill.

I was married to the guy who moved thousands of miles away and became someone else's everyday dad, not his son's.


So. Building a rink isn't a measure of quality of character.

[BL42]

I am going to ask you a tough question though. I know you are PARTIALLY joking when you say you are inadequate as a single dad for not making a hockey rink.

So. Building a rink isn't a measure of quality of character.

I really was just kidding about hockey rink inadequacy. Though it was an especially interesting suggestion considering S7 actually did ask for a soccer dome in our backyard!

But there was truth to it. You are indeed killing it as a single dad. Even take the single part out . You are killing it as a dad. I imagine if you were married, you would never think you were inadequate at all for not doing the huge gestures.

Thanks for the kind words. I do know I'm crushing it as a dad, and I'm proud of that. However...

You don’t have to “make-up” for anything, especially for your ex wanting a divorce.

Even though I know that, and even though this life for my kids wasn't my decision, I do still feel a deep sense of guilt and need to be perfect for them at times. It pops especially at certain occasions like birthdays or Christmas. I know I need to let it go and give myself grace, but that sense of guilt and need to "make-up" is there at times.

Killing it as a parent looks the same either way. Being emotionally present, keeping them safe, helping them grow and learn and teaching them healthy boundaries. You do that, and you are killing it as a parent? Single or not !!!

Will do, and would've regardless - it's not even a question. Always wanted to be a dad; love those kiddos more than anything.

OK, back to our regularly schedules program. You better get a move on, BL, my coworker gave my number to her boyfriends friend.

I'd swipe right on you Ginger - could see us hitting it off in real life - but the anonymous message board makes that challenging. Plus if we're being honest my young kids and the distance is probably a deal breaker.

I was hoping it might be you, but the picture isn’t how I imagine you to look.

So you're saying this guy isn't really, really, really, ridiculously good looking? ;-)

[bttrfly]

When the heart wants what the heart small children, distance, and anonymous message boards are no obstacle

[Ginger1]

BL, I promise you, they don’t remember how big and extravagant Christmas and birthdays are. They remember show showed up and how they felt. I understand the feeling of needing to be “perfect” for our kids, but kids don’t want perfect parents. They want real parents. Present parents. Reliable parents. And you are all of that.

Honestly BL, your kids are not a dealbreaker! For me, personally, I love kids and kids love me. I’m like the pied piper of children. The reason why I am so hesitant was because of how much it hurt when me and M broke up and I just lost his son. We were super close, I loved him , and I never got to say goodbye and to this day, I can’t not shed a tear talking about it. So it’s not because my kid is older and I’m about to be “free” in 2 years ( BTW, it’s not as exciting as I thought it would be, a pice of my heart won’t be living with me anymore and it makes me so so sad) .

I say this not to sway you into falling in love with me 😂but the kids thing will be a deal breaker to a few, sure, but like B said when someone falls for you, the kids will not be a deal breaker.


Again, not to sway you into falling in love with me, but I did have long distance R once ( 2.5 hours away, more than you probably are from me) and it didn’t work back then for multiple reasons, but because my daughter was young and there was no situation changing in sight . Now, I will have freedom in 2 years . So it’s actually a different perspective.

I don’t say this because I know we totally would hit it off, but just general. While dating for you might have additional challenges given the kids and their ages , really, they are challenges, not deal breakers

[LH19]

I'd swipe right on you Ginger - could see us hitting it off in real life - but the anonymous message board makes that challenging. Plus if we're being honest my young kids and the distance is probably a deal breaker.

So BL I totally get you rejecting G based on the posts of her love life on here. Believe me I do lol. But she is flirting with you. Just go with it. Practice makes perfect. I bet this is your problem on OLD unless you are lying to us. If you have the 6s it shouldn't be that difficult to get some dates. Be fun! Be playful!

[Ginger1]

I'd swipe right on you Ginger - could see us hitting it off in real life - but the anonymous message board makes that challenging. Plus if we're being honest my young kids and the distance is probably a deal breaker.

So BL I totally get you rejecting G based on the posts of her love life on here. Believe me I do lol. But she is flirting with you. Just go with it. Practice makes perfect. I bet this is your problem on OLD unless you are lying to us. If you have the 6s it shouldn't be that difficult to get some dates. Be fun! Be playful!

What does that even mean, LH? Why would someone reject me due to the posts regarding my love life? My love life is not so tragic. I date amongst many challenges. They don’t work out sometimes. You act like I’m a train wreck and awful at dating, but I’m really not. Just haven’t found my person yet. That’s a pretty rude thing to say. Like your love life has been so incredibly successful ?

BL, he is right about one thing. You can absolutely practice your flirting on me. You are good it as it is, but I’m here to help.

[Mach1]

You don’t have to “make-up” for anything, especially for your ex wanting a divorce.

Even though I know that, and even though this life for my kids wasn't my decision, I do still feel a deep sense of guilt and need to be perfect for them at times. It pops especially at certain occasions like birthdays or Christmas. I know I need to let it go and give myself grace, but that sense of guilt and need to "make-up" is there at times.

One thing to think of here B....

You can have them in your life for a minute...

Or you can have them in your life for a lifetime....

It isn't about you making up for anything....

It's about you giving them a full enriched life, showing them character and molding them into well balanced adults....

Why the F would you feel guilty for doing that ??? : )

Perfection is un-obtainable...

It's showing them that when life kicks you in the huevos, you respond with dignity, honor, grace, and courage...

Pretty sure you are trying to do that.....

OK, back to our regularly schedules program. You better get a move on, BL, my coworker gave my number to her boyfriends friend.

I'd swipe right on you Ginger - could see us hitting it off in real life - but the anonymous message board makes that challenging. Plus if we're being honest my young kids and the distance is probably a deal breaker.

I was hoping it might be you, but the picture isn’t how I imagine you to look.

So you're saying this guy isn't really, really, really, ridiculously good looking? ;-)

I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit....

: )

[LH19]

Like your love life has been so incredibly successful ?

I am guessing we measure success very differently. I consider mine very successful and my guess is Don H and Andy would not.

You have dated a lot of dudes it is up to you to consider it a success or not.

[Ginger1]

Like your love life has been so incredibly successful ?

I am guessing we measure success very differently. I consider mine very successful and my guess is Don H and Andy would not.

You have dated a lot of dudes it is up to you to consider it a success or not.

So what exactly made you say what you did to BL ? Why is my love life such a red flag to you and you wouldn’t blame BL for it being a red flag to him?

Seriously. I dated, they didn’t work out. Just like anyone else. Why would you say something like that?

Sorry for the hijack, BL.

[LH19]

Uuuummm it was a joke. Sheeesh.

[bttrfly]

So how do we go about getting Super G and BL in the same room? Should we host a DB board party?

[DonH]

I am guessing we measure success very differently. I consider mine very successful and my guess is Don H and Andy would not.

Huh? Because Andrew and I think alike about so many things… said no one. I guess it comes down down to how you measure success. If landing a super hot, partially broken chick for a few months or bagging the younger office slut is the benchmark…. I’d maybe agree in my 20s and probably 30s just not in my 50s. But other than that you and I have many of the same dating rules. I’m just picky with a high bar and not trying to shove anything in my exs face.

[Ginger1]

So how do we go about getting Super G and BL in the same room? Should we host a DB board party?

Where there’s a will there is a way, is what they say

[bttrfly]

I invite y'all to a Bruins game, lmao

[LH19]

I am guessing we measure success very differently. I consider mine very successful and my guess is Don H and Andy would not.

Huh? Because Andrew and I think alike about so many things… said no one. I guess it comes down down to how you measure success. If landing a super hot, partially broken chick for a few months or bagging the younger office slut is the benchmark…. I’d maybe agree in my 20s and probably 30s just not in my 50s. But other than that you and I have many of the same dating rules. I’m just picky with a high bar and not trying to shove anything in my exs face.

Lol like I said Don I didn’t think you would consider my dating life successful. Though apparently comparing you to Andy got your panties in a bunch.

[Ginger1]

So BL, I’m not going to the devils flyers game with my singles group feb 25th. I never pulled the trigger and got the tickets.

However, my dad just informed me he bought tickets for me, the kid him and his wife.

So I will be there. The devils will win.

You should get tickets as well!

[BL42]

BL, I promise you, they don’t remember how big and extravagant Christmas and birthdays are. They remember show showed up and how they felt. I understand the feeling of needing to be “perfect” for our kids, but kids don’t want perfect parents. They want real parents. Present parents. Reliable parents. And you are all of that.

Appreciate that Ginger. I do put pressure on myself at times to be perfect for them, especially considering their back and forth life, but know that's not realistic. And there's no doubt in my heart I've been as present and reliable as the has situation allowed over the last 3 years...going above and beyond on that front.

So it’s not because my kid is older and I’m about to be “free” in 2 years ( BTW, it’s not as exciting as I thought it would be, a pice of my heart won’t be living with me anymore and it makes me so so sad).

I hear you! Took my mom out to lunch after coaching S7's soccer game this morning and we were talking about how he's almost 8 and starting to "grow up" and be less huggy and affectionate with us and going off with his buddies. Totally normal and healthy for a boy his age so it's all good...but already giving me a twinge of nostalgia as a parent!

So BL I totally get you rejecting G based on the posts of her love life on here. Believe me I do lol.

No rejection here, and her posts wouldn't be a contributing factor to it anyway.

But she is flirting with you. Just go with it. Practice makes perfect. I bet this is your problem on OLD unless you are lying to us. If you have the 6s it shouldn't be that difficult to get some dates. Be fun! Be playful!

Well to be fair I deleted my OLD profiles quite awhile ago, but LH you might be touching on some truth here...I do tend to look for the perfect fit / long term relationship as opposed to opening the aperture and just going on a casual date and having fun for what it is.

And not lying or misrepresenting myself here...6 figure salary, probably top 10% income and net worth, 6 foot even 195lbs and though can't claim a six pack in pretty decent shape overall. Fairly active and athletic. Great career, fantastic father, tight family and quality friends...etc.

I've had some dating options IRL but haven't followed up on their obvious interest. Think part of it is PTSD from the affair/D, part being there for the kids and working on myself, and part of it is the question you raise about seeking out the right long term fit vs. just opening myself up and having fun / enjoying the process.

One thing to think of here B....

You can have them in your life for a minute...

Or you can have them in your life for a lifetime....

It isn't about you making up for anything....

It's about you giving them a full enriched life, showing them character and molding them into well balanced adults....

Why the F would you feel guilty for doing that ??? : )

Perfection is un-obtainable...

It's showing them that when life kicks you in the huevos, you respond with dignity, honor, grace, and courage...

Pretty sure you are trying to do that.....

Thanks for that Mach. You're right, and I am doing that. But can't help feel guilty and the need to "make up" for their sitch at times either. Maybe that's me projecting my loss of a nuclear family onto them as well, and maybe they're just going to be OK with that. But I have had the sense I need to step up because of what ExW decided. I'm working to give them that enriched life and modeling the character and values I can. That'll have to be enough. Just need to give myself a bit of relief and grace for the part of the situation I can not fix.

I was hoping it might be you, but the picture isn’t how I imagine you to look.

So you're saying this guy isn't really, really, really, ridiculously good looking? ;-)

I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit....

It's a movie reference Mach! No one picked up on it?

So how do we go about getting Super G and BL in the same room? Should we host a DB board party?

I invite y'all to a Bruins game, lmao

Not sure about the Bruins game bttfly, think LH volunteered first to host at the Sundowner ;-)

So BL, I’m not going to the devils flyers game with my singles group feb 25th. I never pulled the trigger and got the tickets.

However, my dad just informed me he bought tickets for me, the kid him and his wife.

That's awesome! Well done G's dad! Enjoy the game...but not too much ;-)

So I will be there. The devils will win.

I'm loyal to my teams Ginger, but not gonna bet on them in Vegas either. Rough season...

You should get tickets as well!

It's Vermont ski trip weekend with my boys! My crew only has 5 this year but just found out another group we know are going the same weekend, so may have 10 or a dozen guys. Should be fun. Pray for more snow up that way.

[Ginger1]

I forgot it was that weekend! Have fun. But not too much fun. Oh screw it, have too much fun.

If our paths every do cross in real life, you can practice flirting on me, who is not the perfect fit. I make 6 figures, but I am not 6ft, and I don’t have a 6 pack. Well, I do, you just can’t see it quite yet. I used to have fake boobs but I don’t anymore.

Just to add, about your kids, I know you keep trying to “make up” bit quite honestly, their life is going to be fantastic. It is fantastic. They have 2 parents who really love love them, they seem to like ex’s BF( I know this grates you, but this a part that contributes to a good life) you and your ex get along, you aren’t toxic as divorced parents. And they were super young and this is something my D has verbalized to me. That the fact she doesn’t know a life otherwise is much easier than divorce when she was older . Life might be “different” but it certainly won’t be anything anyone needs to make up for. I also know this grates you because then you feel there are no consequences for what your ex has done. I get it. It provides for a lot of conflicting emotions. Been there, still am there sometimes . In the end, it is me who really it really really affected and tore apart. Not my D. And I am thankful for that. But yes, it really blows for us. Truth is, your kids have the best divorced parent situation they can possibly have. And that can be a tough pill to swallow for US.

And I’m all seriousness, I’m easy to find on the other side. Im happy to be a friend. I think from what I read here, you a really stand up good guy. Is hang out with you.

Plus I think you might really be hot. 😂😂 I’m sorry, I can’t help
Ya elf, my toxic trait is having to take a serious moment and making someone laugh

[OnlyBent]

I used to have fake boobs but I don’t anymore.

All makes sense now, this is why you and LH aren’t mates anymore

[Ginger1]

I used to have fake boobs but I don’t anymore.

All makes sense now, this is why you and LH aren’t mates anymore

Yup. The boobs are gone and there isn’t much substance left to me 😂

[OnlyBent]

G, I dream of the day you tell me that you’re sitting at a bar alone in Sydney….

[Ginger1]

G, I dream of the day you tell me that you’re sitting at a bar alone in Sydney….

That’s a bucket list vacation, or as you Australians call it it a “holiday”

Just look for the woman with small boobs, green eyes, drinking a beer. You’ll also know it’s me with my joisey accent

[BL42]

I used to have fake boobs but I don’t anymore.

What??? Plot twist! Did not see that coming...

All makes sense now, this is why you and LH aren’t mates anymore

😂

G, I dream of the day you tell me that you’re sitting at a bar alone in Sydney….

Alright, OB, alright...time to head back to your own thread and flirt with the Aussie ladies lol

Just look for the woman with small boobs, green eyes, drinking a beer. You’ll also know it’s me with my joisey accent

Order a Fosters, Ginger. I hear it's "Australian for beer"

[bttrfly]

Geez OB, BL was just making some headway here, getting over his shyness ... I second the get thee to an Aussie bar and flirt with an Aussie lass ...

[BL42]

Just to add, about your kids, I know you keep trying to “make up” bit quite honestly, their life is going to be fantastic. It is fantastic.

Thanks Ginger

They have 2 parents who really love love them

True. ExW was not a great parent the first year or two. They certainly weren't here priority anyway. She'd dump them off to go out with OM2, ask me to take her time to go away with him, they'd come home unbathed for a week more than once...etc., but seems to have come around a bit in the last year there, so that's very good. Important for the kids.

they seem to like ex’s BF( I know this grates you, but this a part that contributes to a good life)

That does grate on me. Not sure I'll ever fully get over it if they stay together, but have to swallow it and let it go. And as hard as it is to admit the relative post-BD "stability" they have on that front is better than constant upheaval.

you and your ex get along, you aren’t toxic as divorced parents.

Not sure I'd go as far as "get along" - I certainly try to keep my distance best I can and not engage - but agreed we're not toxic as divorced parents and generally collaborate in the kids' best interest.

And they were super young and this is something my D has verbalized to me. That the fact she doesn’t know a life otherwise is much easier than divorce when she was older . Life might be “different” but it certainly won’t be anything anyone needs to make up for.

The young thing is weird to me. Yes, maybe it would've been more of an upheaval down the road when they were 13 and 10 instead of 4 and 1, but also don't love that they only know divorce and back-and-forth and mommy living with another man. And have fears my daughter will see OM2 as a father figure. But guess that shouldn't take away from me.

I also know this grates you because then you feel there are no consequences for what your ex has done.

That does get to me. Seems like there should be some karma at some point. And when I see people who know what she did give her a friendly "hello how are you?" I think, really? And when her or OM1 don't get fired for relations in the office I think, come on! But then who knows what's going on behind her scenes and the emotions and awkward situations and encounters she's having. I do know she already left that new job with the other employer I posted about a year ago. Heard things weren't to her liking there and is no per diem back at the original employer. So maybe the grass isn't always greener. Really though, it's not the Ex specifics consequences that grate me as much as OM2 living with my kids, and I know the focus should be on me...and it is for the most part, just venting a bit here while you brought it up.

I get it. It provides for a lot of conflicting emotions. Been there, still am there sometimes . In the end, it is me who really it really really affected and tore apart. Not my D. And I am thankful for that. But yes, it really blows for us. Truth is, your kids have the best divorced parent situation they can possibly have. And that can be a tough pill to swallow for US.

It is a tough pill to swallow, but you're right the caveat is always the kids. I completely relate to what you're saying - think you're just a decade ahead in the process.

And I’m all seriousness, I’m easy to find on the other side. Im happy to be a friend. I think from what I read here, you a really stand up good guy. Is hang out with you.

Right back at you. If I take away anything from your thread it's you've been a wonderful mother in a very difficult situation you didn't create, and that's just about the best compliment anyone can receive in my mind.

Plus I think you might really be hot. 😂😂 I’m sorry, I can’t help
Ya elf, my toxic trait is having to take a serious moment and making someone laugh

Don't laugh at the prospect of me being hot! That's serious business!

[Ginger1]

Well, this is a first, two 10% ers fighting over me! I think I like it ! The bearded man and the one with the Aussie accent….. bring it on boys!!!

Everything you say resonates with me. I am 10 years ahead so I can tell you that you won’t always feel how you do. And I was the same, I got over my ex way faster than I got over another woman in my daughters life. It crushed me and killed me in every way. I was terrified she would think of her as mom. I was so jealous of their holidays spent together as a family, vacations spent together. I almost didn’t let my D go to their wedding because I couldn’t bare it. My friends came together for me that day and distracted me, because I was falling apart.

I can tell you, that D sees me and only me as mom. His wife is another trusted adult that she loves and that loves her, but I am MOM. Honestly, she goes there to see her dad and grandma. If neither around on his weekend, she chooses to stay with me. And I say yes if I don’t have plans.


You are irreplaceable, my friend! You are the one and only DAD

I also have no doubts that you are super hot . And the compliment you gave me ? THANK YOU! Because that is the highest of compliments in my book. I may not be successful by my own standards on the area of dating, but k would rather take the success on parenting and in these circumstances.

By the way, I share a name with the ultimate MILF, stifler’s mom. Only it’s spelled much differently, the first 3 letters are that of my screen name here. Hint hint

[LH19]

Well to be fair I deleted my OLD profiles quite awhile ago, but LH you might be touching on some truth here...I do tend to look for the perfect fit / long term relationship as opposed to opening the aperture and just going on a casual date and having fun for what it is.

Yes! You need to just go on dates because it's going to be awkward. My guess is the woman you are looking for is going to have MANY options so when you find her you don't want to blow it on something stupid. Though everyone is different (G & Dawn) most women want a man who will take charge, set dates and know what they are doing around the lady parts. There is a very fine line between awkward and creepy.

And not lying or misrepresenting myself here...6 figure salary, probably top 10% income and net worth, 6 foot even 195lbs and though can't claim a six pack in pretty decent shape overall. Fairly active and athletic. Great career, fantastic father, tight family and quality friends...etc.

I believe you (Don H). Just out of curiosity what's keeping you from the six pack other than about 10 pounds? It's hard to display great dad and career online so your best bet is to try to display fun/funny.

IMO you our so young and should be having tons of fun out there and not worrying about a relationship. That will come in time. Time to get that OLD profile worked out and give it another shot. You can't just go for top 10%ers you need to branch out a bit.

Just out of curiosity who is your doppelganger? I am thinking a young John Cusak.

[Ginger1]

You can have fun and date a bunch of women do that if that’s really want you want to do. Not because others make you feel like that’s what you should be doing right now. Some people aren’t all about dating all the people and some are about dating, but would be totally happy that if the 3rd person they dated was the one the wanted to ck to ie dating exclusively.

[Ginger1]

BL, I can tell you what keeps me from the six pack. You basically need like7% body fat and what I would have to give up isn’t worth it for me.

And as a woman in her early 40’s, who has many beautiful friends in their 30’s and 40’s, we really couldn’t give 2 sh!ts about a 6 pack. Sure they fun to look and touch sometimes? Sure. Just like big knockers. But it would simply be ab extra and doesn’t make us say “I need to date that guy” I’m sure LH knows more on that subject than me and the kazillion of women I am surrounded with everyday. But yeah, maybe a 6 pack was cool in my 20’s, but it’s so low on my list of things that make me want to date a guy now. So don’t worry about it. You sound fit, active, and you’re funny. Flashing your abs on an online dating site isn’t going to get you what you want

[DonH]

I believe you (Don H).

Now THIS I believe as well. It was the whole 1% nonsense I called BS on and turns out for good reason. But other than coming up short by a few inches I’m just an older version of the same. Totally believe.

And as a woman in her early 40’s, who has many beautiful friends in their 30’s and 40’s, we really couldn’t give 2 sh!ts about a 6 pack. Sure they fun to look and touch sometimes? Sure. Just like big knockers. But it would simply be an extra and doesn’t make us say “I need to date that guy” s

Totally believe this too! Looks may attract or open the door but personality and other attributes keep it from slamming shut.

[kml]

Yeah - a 6 -pack is nice, but a guy who is obsessed with his own body and won't eat anything fun is kind of a turn off. I'd love to meet a guy at the gym who is moderately into working out but not obsessive. I've never actually met a date at the gym though, although maybe once or twice a guy has said something flirtatious to me. I tend to go into my own "cone of silence" though when working out so I probably have missed some signals.

Crazy ex-BF was the only BF who ever went to the gym with me - I liked that. We didn't always do the same kind of workout but we would go together. When I would do a water exercise class, he would stand at the upstairs window and wave to me and make goofy faces - all the women in the class thought that was great because he was very handsome and looked like an athlete. (Too bad it turned out he was crazy and duplicitous!). Eventually I'd like to get back to working out in the gym instead of at home, maybe I need to pay more attention to the guys around me in the future.

[OnlyBent]

Well, this is a first, two 10% ers fighting over me! I think I like it ! The bearded man and the one with the Aussie accent….. bring it on boys!!!

BL you have a 12,000km advantage over me, don't fuch this up!!

I do agree BL that it seems like you are looking for perfect or reasons why things can't work. You have to kiss a lot of frogs my friends, and its all experience and it all helps. Think of that movie Slumdog Millionaire, where everything that happened in his life helped him win that final prize.

By the way, I share a name with the ultimate MILF, stifler’s mom. Only it’s spelled much differently, the first 3 letters are that of my screen name here. Hint hint

Her screen name or real name? I'm not the most talented Facebook stalker, but I am curious to know what I'm competing against BL for

[Ginger1]

Her screen name in that movie. Let’s see if you can find me !

[LH19]

Well, this is a first, two 10% ers fighting over me! I think I like it ! The bearded man and the one with the Aussie accent….. bring it on boys!!!

BL you have a 12,000km advantage over me, don't fuch this up!!

I do agree BL that it seems like you are looking for perfect or reasons why things can't work. You have to kiss a lot of frogs my friends, and its all experience and it all helps. Think of that movie Slumdog Millionaire, where everything that happened in his life helped him win that final prize.

By the way, I share a name with the ultimate MILF, stifler’s mom. Only it’s spelled much differently, the first 3 letters are that of my screen name here. Hint hint

Her screen name or real name? I'm not the most talented Facebook stalker, but I am curious to know what I'm competing against BL for

Would one of you two find her on Facebook because I’m starting to feel embarrassed for her lol. Sounds like j-rhymes with bean lol.

[OnlyBent]

Would one of you two find her on Facebook because I’m starting to feel embarrassed for her lol. Sounds like j-rhymes with bean lol.

My excuse is that I never use social media, though hearing how someone's kid hooked up on Insta, I might need to check that out. My need another hint, coming up short.

[Ginger1]

You’ll be disappointed, I don’t think I am as hot as your GF.

I’m just a regular girl. In a devils jersey. Who is ….een. On gin.

[OnlyBent]

You’ll be disappointed, I don’t think I am as hot as your GF.

I don't think anyone is as hot as my gf, but that's just my opinion. It's one of those things where we are both just ridiculously attracted to each other, more than just looks though.

I’m just a regular girl. In a devils jersey. Who is ….een. On gin.

Surely cannot fuch this up. Get moving BL!

[Mach1]

Thanks for that Mach. You're right, and I am doing that. But can't help feel guilty and the need to "make up" for their sitch at times either. Maybe that's me projecting my loss of a nuclear family onto them as well, and maybe they're just going to be OK with that. But I have had the sense I need to step up because of what ExW decided. I'm working to give them that enriched life and modeling the character and values I can. That'll have to be enough. Just need to give myself a bit of relief and grace for the part of the situation I can not fix.

So is guilt holding you back, or moving you forward ???

Maybe define the guilt to see what direction it's moving you in..

A good friend of mine asked me once.

Do you want to be defined by the worst thing that you have gone through ???

Guilt holding you back, keeps you defined by it....

Because you DO deserve some relief, and you do deserve some grace ( as long as Grace is okay with that : ) )


Cause even though "ExW decided". you've made decisions since then that have affected each of you positively, and you can't be stuck in what her decisions were...


Have you always been this hard on yourself ???

[BL42]

Well, this is a first, two 10% ers fighting over me! I think I like it !

Oh no OB, we're playing Chump Lady's "pick me dance"!

The bearded man and the one with the Aussie accent

Sounds like a circus side show, at least "the bearded man" lol

I got over my ex way faster than I got over another woman in my daughters life. It crushed me and killed me in every way.

So true.

I can tell you, that D sees me and only me as mom.

You are irreplaceable, my friend! You are the one and only DAD

Thanks for that.

Well to be fair I deleted my OLD profiles quite awhile ago, but LH you might be touching on some truth here...I do tend to look for the perfect fit / long term relationship as opposed to opening the aperture and just going on a casual date and having fun for what it is.

Yes! You need to just go on dates because it's going to be awkward. My guess is the woman you are looking for is going to have MANY options so when you find her you don't want to blow it on something stupid.

IMO you our so young and should be having tons of fun out there and not worrying about a relationship. That will come in time. Time to get that OLD profile worked out and give it another shot. You can't just go for top 10%ers you need to branch out a bit.

I do agree BL that it seems like you are looking for perfect or reasons why things can't work. You have to kiss a lot of frogs my friends, and its all experience and it all helps. Think of that movie Slumdog Millionaire, where everything that happened in his life helped him win that final prize.

You guys are probably right. I should be more open just to going out casually and having a good time - not narrowing done so much on the long term fit.

Just out of curiosity what's keeping you from the six pack other than about 10 pounds?

BL, I can tell you what keeps me from the six pack. You basically need like7% body fat and what I would have to give up isn’t worth it for me.

And as a woman in her early 40’s, who has many beautiful friends in their 30’s and 40’s, we really couldn’t give 2 sh!ts about a 6 pack. Sure they fun to look and touch sometimes? Sure. Just like big knockers. But it would simply be ab extra and doesn’t make us say “I need to date that guy” I’m sure LH knows more on that subject than me and the kazillion of women I am surrounded with everyday. But yeah, maybe a 6 pack was cool in my 20’s, but it’s so low on my list of things that make me want to date a guy now. So don’t worry about it. You sound fit, active, and you’re funny. Flashing your abs on an online dating site isn’t going to get you what you want

Yeah - a 6 -pack is nice, but a guy who is obsessed with his own body and won't eat anything fun is kind of a turn off.

Point taken, all. Not a requirement for dating...but guessing it doesn't hurt my case either! 6 pack abs isn't really my specific goal, but I did very well in the gym in January and plan to continue consistently throughout the rest of the year, so assuming good things will come of that. Worry about the process, not the result; the results will follow, right?

Just out of curiosity who is your doppelganger? I am thinking a young John Cusak.

Interesting question. I'll have to survey my friends. I don't see John Cusak. Could've sworn there was some speculation on the topic awhile back but for the life of me can't find the thread. Think OB may have guessed Robert Downey Jr?

I'd love to meet a guy at the gym who is moderately into working out but not obsessive.

Hmmm...sounds like someone I know. Maybe we should date, kml! The competition anxiety is on you now Ginger, how about that Pick Me Dance? ;-)

I've never actually met a date at the gym though, although maybe once or twice a guy has said something flirtatious to me. I tend to go into my own "cone of silence" though when working out so I probably have missed some signals.

Eventually I'd like to get back to working out in the gym instead of at home, maybe I need to pay more attention to the guys around me in the future.

Maybe you should step out of that cone. Many guys aren't sure about approaching because they don't want to disturb your workout or cause awkwardness in the future. If you're more open and even initiate I bet good things happen.

When I would do a water exercise class, he would stand at the upstairs window and wave to me and make goofy faces - all the women in the class thought that was great because he was very handsome and looked like an athlete.

Want me to come wave at you and make them jealous?

By the way, I share a name with the ultimate MILF, stifler’s mom. Only it’s spelled much differently, the first 3 letters are that of my screen name here. Hint hint

Her screen name or real name? I'm not the most talented Facebook stalker, but I am curious to know what I'm competing against BL for

Her screen name in that movie. Let’s see if you can find me !

Would one of you two find her on Facebook because I’m starting to feel embarrassed for her lol. Sounds like j-rhymes with bean lol.

My need another hint, coming up short.

I’m just a regular girl. In a devils jersey. Who is ….een. On gin.

Pretty sure they're punking us, OB. Curiosity got the best of me over the weekend and did a couple searches on both the character and actress names (modified with the hints) and came up with nothing either. And it's not like "name, new jersey, nurse" narrows it down all that much. ;-)

Oh yeah...I also Googled "LH-named Pitbull lookalikes who drink Mich Ultra and frequent the downer" as well but came up blank there too! 😂

My excuse is that I never use social media, though hearing how someone's kid hooked up on Insta, I might need to check that out.

FB and Insta? Ginger's daughter got asked by a boy for her SnapChat ID at the mall! Get with the times, OB!

[Ginger1]

I do not have snap. I’m old. Face book and insta it is.

You have never seen “American pie”, BL?!!

The spelling of my name is unique enough for me to pop up.

I’m not so afraid of identity being exposed because just about everyone on this board is my friend on the other side, lol

[LH19]

Oh yeah...I also Googled "LH-named Pitbull lookalikes who drink Mich Ultra and frequent the downer" as well but came up blank there too! 😂

If you can find G you can find me and I will take you to the downer for your for your b-day. lol

[LH19]

I do not have snap. I’m old. Face book and insta it is.

You have never seen “American pie”, BL?!!

The spelling of my name is unique enough for me to pop up.


I’m not so afraid of identity being exposed because just about everyone on this board is my friend on the other side, lol

FFS she gift wrapped it for you.

[job]

Ginger,

I removed the hints due to the Board policies. I know that you aren't afraid of people knowing who you are, but we should follow the policies. Again, I'm sorry.

[Ginger1]

Eh, that’s ok job. My bad.

[job]

Not a problem. I just wanted you to know that I removed it, not because I wanted to, but because of the Board policy.

[DonH]

Not a problem. I just wanted you to know that I removed it, not because I wanted to, but because of the Board policy.

Good thing we have someone else to look out for and make decisions for us, sorta like government has decided is their place. Lord forbid we make decisions for ourselves and take care of our own lives. But I totally get it Job you are just doing your “job” and following directions like the cops who had to arrest people for not wearing a face diaper a few years ago. So not blaming you. I just long for America again to be the land of the free, but whatever, moving on.

FYI, multiple quotes still remain with the hints that you missed, but if anyone hadn’t figured it out by this time… lol it is correct, find G and you find many of the rest, and I’m sure we’ll all survive.

[bttrfly]

d@mn skippy and wtaf BL ...either you're not paying attention or you're not trying too hard. she totally gift wrapped that for you !

[Spiral]

If only I could figure out which one was LH...

[LH19]

I have the same name of Stiflers moms, cousins, grandfather etc.

[LH19]

d@mn skippy and wtaf BL ...either you're not paying attention or you're not trying too hard. she totally gift wrapped that for you !

Think g was ghosted.

[Ginger1]

I pursued too hard on this one. Lesson learned.

[Spiral]

Too hard. I'm linking up with DonH instead.

[OnlyBent]

I slid into G’s DMs but she’s playing it cool

[LH19]

Too hard. I'm linking up with DonH instead.

Spit my coffee!

[DnJ]

Please start a new thread BL.

I’ll return and link to the new one.

[DnJ]

Next Thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2943522