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#2939469 11/19/22 11:55 AM
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Hi
Im new here to the forum, my W recently asked me for a divorce in a span of 4 weeks it came up twice and yesterday we decided that seperation is best for now.
We have 2 children of 4 and 7. I know I was wrong for not treating her right, I showed very little affection and gave her almost no attention. I also had a OW about 5 years ago and W found out about it 2 years ago.
For 2 years she couldnt get over the OW and I also didnt help much with how I treated her. I have asked her to give ne a chance to fix this as I only realised how wrong I was when I realised im loosing her.

4 weeks ago I started making changes to our R, but it was almost as if she didnt want to accept it. I have tried and everytime she shuts me out. Last week I started with LRT and seemed to working, but yesterday I was told about the divorce again as it is starting to affect our kids.

We still staying in the same house, until the separation is finalised, then she will be moving out.

Whats starnge for me is that we never fight she say she loves me but at the same time she also say that she doesnt want to try and work things out with me.
She said that there is no OM, but it could possibly be a emotional affair that had been happning over the last couple of months.

But I will continue with LRT and 180s.

Please help as I am completely lost.

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JackyJoe,

Sorry about your situation, it's good you posted - there are a lot of people here who know what you're going through and want to help.

You may consider moving your thread to the Newcomers space which is more active and you may get more response.

Make sure you read all the welcome resources and other people's threads and the more you post the more people will chime in with support and advice.

Originally Posted by JackyJoe
Im new here to the forum, my W recently asked me for a divorce in a span of 4 weeks it came up twice and yesterday we decided that seperation is best for now.
When you say "we decided"...is it mutual? It sounds like she decided and you want to work on things.

Originally Posted by JackyJoe
We have 2 children of 4 and 7.
That's tough. I have a 7/4yos and BD happened when they were just 4/1. Your kids are young and no matter what happens you and W are going to be in each others lives for a long time.

Originally Posted by JackyJoe
I know I was wrong for not treating her right, I showed very little affection and gave her almost no attention.
Can you dive deeper on this? How specifically did you not treat her right? What are the behaviors you need to change, and what drove the behavior?

Originally Posted by JackyJoe
I also had a OW about 5 years ago and W found out about it 2 years ago.
Was it physical, emotional, both? Someone you knew, a friend or coworker? How long did it last What led you getting into the affair?

Originally Posted by JackyJoe
For 2 years she couldnt get over the OW and I also didnt help much with how I treated her.
It's a very difficult thing to get over. How did you try to address the issue? Any counseling?

Originally Posted by JackyJoe
4 weeks ago I started making changes to our R, but it was almost as if she didnt want to accept it.
How long have you been together? I'm assuming at least a decade based on your kids' ages. Try to think of it from her perspective...years or a decade of certain behavior vs. 4 weeks of change? You're going to really need to commit to the change for the long time (it's a marathon, not a sprint) to make a difference. Your words are not going to matter. Your actions over a few weeks are not going to matter.

Originally Posted by JackyJoe
She said that there is no OM, but it could possibly be a emotional affair that had been happning over the last couple of months.
Almost every situation here, seems like 99%, include sort degree of affair partner...even when the LBS swears up and down it's not possible.

Good luck JackyJoe.

Last edited by BL42; 11/19/22 04:13 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by JackyJoe
Please help as I am completely lost.
That is normal. We all were when we found this site.

Here is a link to my canned advise:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2923056#Post2923056


All I can say is embrace this process. The people here can help guide you through this. Your sitch is a little different than most since you had OW in your past, so some may be a little harsh on you.

I am sure W is still hurt. You have to find your empathy hat and keep it on. I wish the best for you and hope you can keep your family together.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Hello JackyJoe

Welcome to the board. I am posting Cadet’s welcome thread for your reference.



Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Jacky, I’d suggest moving your thread over to newcomers as it is more active and more folks will read and reply to you.

If interested, please post a reply here. I’ll check for your response.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.

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