Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
DW17 #2939663 11/23/22 08:45 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
DW17,
Originally Posted by DW17
Originally Posted by BL42
I have 50/50 custody and have traveled for work. If it comes to D try to align your business travel with your off weeks when possible and hopefully you and your Ex can be reasonable about switching time when it doesn't.
My trips are usually a minimum of 1 month up to a max of 8. I got to take the family to CA for 8 months several years ago and it was awesome. This last trip was "short" where I spend 6 weeks there. My Japan trips were both about 4 months long. It worked great when W could just take the summer off and bring the kids, but can't work with split custody.
Those durations are certainly more of a challenge, especially with a young daughter - I was thinking a week at a time - but also have to imagine similar situations have come up before. E.g., Military deployments, pro sports...etc. Do some research online to see how people handle it. There may even be case law which addresses it.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
DW17 #2939678 11/23/22 11:39 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 604
Likes: 251
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 604
Likes: 251
Quote
IC was interesting. I did my basic 2 week recap, we talked about my thoughts on responding to the D papers and I told him I made the decision to stick it out and fight for my marriage. He commended me for the strength to do that, but also made it seem like I was an idiot for doing so.

Counsellors don’t tell you what you should do. Their job is to ask the questions you need to be asked so that YOU make the right decision.

Your counsellor is correct in that they are at least questioning the reasonableness of a decision to stay in a marriage purely to keep the kids happy.

Generally, that’s not a good idea. It leads to unhappy outcomes where both parents resent each other, and children who are exposed every day to a dysfunctional relationship.

I also hung in there and put up with a multitude of s*** behaviours to try and keep it on the rails for my kids. Now I’m divorced, my kids are much happier too.

The marriage is the over-arching principle and reason for a family. It should always be the number one priority, because if it’s healthy, then everything else (work, family, kids) generally looks after itself. Keeping a marriage going for kids alone is like putting a V8 engine in your car to go faster, when it has four bald tyres. Cart before horse.

Keep going to IC, even if you don’t agree with them sometimes. They’re supposed to challenge you and ask the hard questions.

DW17 #2939863 11/28/22 06:48 PM
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 159
Likes: 19
D
DW17 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 159
Likes: 19
Haven’t posted in a bit, mainly because I usually post from work and I haven’t been at work since Wednesday. The holiday weekend was a mixed bag I guess. I still feel super confused about everything, and being in limbo is tough, but just taking it a day at a time.

Thanksgiving morning I ran my 10k, which due to an unmarked fork on the trail ended up being a mile and a half longer for a bunch of the runners. It was still fun and I thought I did pretty well. I’m already looking for another one to sign up for. While I was running my 10k, W sent me a message stating she was proud of me for setting a goal and accomplishing it. Then she added that just because she doesn’t want to be in an intimate relationship with me and she has a lot of work to do on herself it does not mean that we aren’t a family. She said she is hopeful we will remain close and will do life together for our kids and each other. She said I am always welcome at her mom’s house and it feels weird not having me there, but she respects my decision not to go to Thanksgiving there. I don’t know how to interpret this. It mostly just pissed me off when I first read it. I don’t see a scenario where I interact with her any more than necessary if we split up. I know that’s not her expectation even though I’ve told her I don’t see us as friends if we divorce. I like that she acknowledged she has things to work on, and I think that’s been a focal point of her therapy, but we’ll see.

It was nice spending Thanksgiving with my family, as I usually spend it with the in-laws. It was pretty tough not having my kids with me though. I could feel the emotion building for a few days. I ended up calling my MIL on the way to my aunt’s house and telling her that I wouldn’t be there. I wanted to make sure she knew it had nothing to do with her or my FIL and I thought she should hear it from me. The conversation ended up being a little deeper than I was planning or expecting. We didn’t talk about W, but I got the vibe that MIL doesn’t really know what’s going on, which was unexpected. She said I’m always welcome there and she’s always available if I need to talk. She joked that I’ve been her son almost as long as W has been her daughter. (For context, my MIL is not my wife’s biological mom, she’s her aunt. MIL raised W from about age 7 on, so W has always referred to her as her mom). After the call my emotions all came out. Anger, sadness, a feeling of loss, a bunch of stuff that I’d been keeping in for a few days. I didn’t go to Thanksgiving at the in-laws because of my wife and I did not want to pretend to be a happy family when there’s a lot of hurt and pain in each of us right now. In the days leading up to Thanksgiving, W tried to frame things as me abandoning my kids to be with my family, which pissed me off too. I wanted to tell her she blew up our family at the worst possible time, her selfish actions are causing irreparable damage with the few people in her life who actually do care about her and that her lying and cheating prevented me from spending Thanksgiving with my kids for the first time in their lives. Instead I just respectfully disagreed with her and went about my day. I’m still not 100% sure I made the right decision not to go, but that’s the decision I made and I’ll stick with it.

After Thanksgiving, W was pretty upset with me that I didn’t let her know I was going to call her mom. I later found out that she tried making up a story of why I wasn’t there only to have her mom say she already talked to me about it. I think getting blindsided while trying to badmouth me is what upset her. I never actually told W why I wasn’t going, so maybe she was just making some assumptions. I don’t know if I should have called her mom or not, but I don’t regret it.

W has engaged with the family more than normal the past few week or so, but after a bit she just kind of checks out. It’s like she is forcing herself to come upstairs and socialize, but she can only handle it for a little while. She ate dinner at the table one night, then disappeared to her bed. She’ll try and play with D4, but after 15 minutes, just disappears. I know she is battling depression right now and I’m not sure how that plays into everything. She will cycle between lying in bed (sleeping/watching TV/playing on her phone) and taking baths (usually multiple per day) and she’ll do this for entire days. When she gets home from work, this is usually all she does. It’s weird to observe and her lack of help is causing issues. I get stressed sometimes trying to take care of the kid related things she is neglecting. She doesn’t help with brushing teeth, giving baths, feeding, etc. I was reading about depression this week and one of the things mentioned was that I should be basically praising the little things W does to see if it encourages her to do more. I’m not sure about that strategy, but I did thank her for getting the kids (we have D6 this week) clothes ready and putting them to bed last night while I was at the store. I leave her things alone for her to take care of, but I’m not sure how to get her to do her part around the house, or if I should even be pushing that right now with her mental state. She can’t even put her laundry away, it just sits in baskets all week. It’s tough for me because usually I’m the one cleaning and nagging at everyone to help, but instead I’ve just been letting things go and just doing my fair share. It seems like D18 and S19 have been picking up W’s slack instead. I haven’t asked them to and in some situations I’ve specifically told them not to pick up certain things that W left lying around.

W still hasn’t mentioned the D papers and there’s been no real conversation about the future. D18 was concerned about where her stuff would be going when she left. W assured her she’d have a room at one of our houses, which I thought was funny. I am stressing about affording a 3 bedroom house right now and I know I can’t swing a 4 bedroom, especially if it isn’t being used. Pretty sure W can’t either. It’s just weird sifting through the fog she’s in. I probably shouldn’t be analyzing it, and I don’t for the most part, it’s just weird watching someone going through depression/MLC/whatever the hell she’s dealing with. And for whatever reason I’m starting to feel a mixture of anger and empathy rather than just sadness.

Okay, now some GAL stuff - Most of the long weekend I just spent time with the kids. I took the dog on a long walk, visited with my sister, and went out to watch a friend’s band one night. I invited some people but they were all busy. After waffling a bit, I just went solo. I told myself that whenever I debate whether or not I should do something, I need to just do it. I ran into some people I knew, got to chat with some people I didn’t know, and it ended up being a lot of fun. I finished the Boundaries book finally. Good info, but I’m still not there. I want to find another book this week about boundaries. I’m re-reading DR and I’m about to start another book that was recommended called Getting Back Together. The title feels a little optimistic for where I’m at right now, but I’ll give it a shot. I’m trying to set some kind of fitness goal/plan for next month also. Probably a mixture of running, ab workouts and continuing the daily pushups I’ve been doing all month. It felt like I spent a little too much time at home this weekend, even though a good chunk was spent with the kids. I’ll try to do a little more for myself the next few weeks and finalize some holiday event with the kids.

Sorry for the long post. I hope everyone enjoyed their weekends.


M:39 W:39
T:22 M:18
S:19 D:18 D:5
BD:7/2022
DW17 #2939865 11/28/22 06:51 PM
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 159
Likes: 19
D
DW17 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 159
Likes: 19
Haven’t posted in a bit, mainly because I usually post from work and I haven’t been at work since Wednesday. The holiday weekend was a mixed bag I guess. I still feel super confused about everything, and being in limbo is tough, but just taking it a day at a time.

Thanksgiving morning I ran my 10k, which due to an unmarked fork on the trail ended up being a mile and a half longer for a bunch of the runners. It was still fun and I thought I did pretty well. I’m already looking for another one to sign up for. While I was running my 10k, W sent me a message stating she was proud of me for setting a goal and accomplishing it. Then she added that just because she doesn’t want to be in an intimate relationship with me and she has a lot of work to do on herself it does not mean that we aren’t a family. She said she is hopeful we will remain close and will do life together for our kids and each other. She said I am always welcome at her mom’s house and it feels weird not having me there, but she respects my decision not to go to Thanksgiving there. I don’t know how to interpret this. It mostly just pissed me off when I first read it. I don’t see a scenario where I interact with her any more than necessary if we split up. I know that’s not her expectation even though I’ve told her I don’t see us as friends if we divorce. I like that she acknowledged she has things to work on, and I think that’s been a focal point of her therapy, but we’ll see.

It was nice spending Thanksgiving with my family, as I usually spend it with the in-laws. It was pretty tough not having my kids with me though. I could feel the emotion building for a few days. I ended up calling my MIL on the way to my aunt’s house and telling her that I wouldn’t be there. I wanted to make sure she knew it had nothing to do with her or my FIL and I thought she should hear it from me. The conversation ended up being a little deeper than I was planning or expecting. We didn’t talk about W, but I got the vibe that MIL doesn’t really know what’s going on, which was unexpected. She said I’m always welcome there and she’s always available if I need to talk. She joked that I’ve been her son almost as long as W has been her daughter. (For context, my MIL is not my wife’s biological mom, she’s her aunt. MIL raised W from about age 7 on, so W has always referred to her as her mom). After the call my emotions all came out. Anger, sadness, a feeling of loss, a bunch of stuff that I’d been keeping in for a few days. I didn’t go to Thanksgiving at the in-laws because of my wife and I did not want to pretend to be a happy family when there’s a lot of hurt and pain in each of us right now. In the days leading up to Thanksgiving, W tried to frame things as me abandoning my kids to be with my family, which pissed me off too. I wanted to tell her she blew up our family at the worst possible time, her selfish actions are causing irreparable damage with the few people in her life who actually do care about her and that her lying and cheating prevented me from spending Thanksgiving with my kids for the first time in their lives. Instead I just respectfully disagreed with her and went about my day. I’m still not 100% sure I made the right decision not to go, but that’s the decision I made and I’ll stick with it.

After Thanksgiving, W was pretty upset with me that I didn’t let her know I was going to call her mom. I later found out that she tried making up a story of why I wasn’t there only to have her mom say she already talked to me about it. I think getting blindsided while trying to badmouth me is what upset her. I never actually told W why I wasn’t going, so maybe she was just making some assumptions. I don’t know if I should have called her mom or not, but I don’t regret it.

W has engaged with the family more than normal the past few week or so, but after a bit she just kind of checks out. It’s like she is forcing herself to come upstairs and socialize, but she can only handle it for a little while. She ate dinner at the table one night, then disappeared to her bed. She’ll try and play with D4, but after 15 minutes, just disappears. I know she is battling depression right now and I’m not sure how that plays into everything. She will cycle between lying in bed (sleeping/watching TV/playing on her phone) and taking baths (usually multiple per day) and she’ll do this for entire days. When she gets home from work, this is usually all she does. It’s weird to observe and her lack of help is causing issues. I get stressed sometimes trying to take care of the kid related things she is neglecting. She doesn’t help with brushing teeth, giving baths, feeding, etc. I was reading about depression this week and one of the things mentioned was that I should be basically praising the little things W does to see if it encourages her to do more. I’m not sure about that strategy, but I did thank her for getting the kids (we have D6 this week) clothes ready and putting them to bed last night while I was at the store. I leave her things alone for her to take care of, but I’m not sure how to get her to do her part around the house, or if I should even be pushing that right now with her mental state. She can’t even put her laundry away, it just sits in baskets all week. It’s tough for me because usually I’m the one cleaning and nagging at everyone to help, but instead I’ve just been letting things go and just doing my fair share. It seems like D18 and S19 have been picking up W’s slack instead. I haven’t asked them to and in some situations I’ve specifically told them not to pick up certain things that W left lying around.

W still hasn’t mentioned the D papers and there’s been no real conversation about the future. D18 was concerned about where her stuff would be going when she left. W assured her she’d have a room at one of our houses, which I thought was funny. I am stressing about affording a 3 bedroom house right now and I know I can’t swing a 4 bedroom, especially if it isn’t being used. Pretty sure W can’t either. It’s just weird sifting through the fog she’s in. I probably shouldn’t be analyzing it, and I don’t for the most part, it’s just weird watching someone going through depression/MLC/whatever the hell she’s dealing with. And for whatever reason I’m starting to feel a mixture of anger and empathy rather than just sadness.

Okay, now some GAL stuff - Most of the long weekend I just spent time with the kids. I took the dog on a long walk, visited with my sister, and went out to watch a friend’s band one night. I invited some people but they were all busy. After waffling a bit, I just went solo. I told myself that whenever I debate whether or not I should do something, I need to just do it. I ran into some people I knew, got to chat with some people I didn’t know, and it ended up being a lot of fun. I finished the Boundaries book finally. Good info, but I’m still not there. I want to find another book this week about boundaries. I’m re-reading DR and I’m about to start another book that was recommended called Getting Back Together. The title feels a little optimistic for where I’m at right now, but I’ll give it a shot. I’m trying to set some kind of fitness goal/plan for next month also. Probably a mixture of running, ab workouts and continuing the daily pushups I’ve been doing all month. It felt like I spent a little too much time at home this weekend, even though a good chunk was spent with the kids. I’ll try to do a little more for myself the next few weeks and finalize some holiday event with the kids.

Sorry for the long post. I hope everyone enjoyed their weekends.


M:39 W:39
T:22 M:18
S:19 D:18 D:5
BD:7/2022
DW17 #2939870 11/28/22 07:46 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by DW17
Then she added that just because she doesn’t want to be in an intimate relationship with me and she has a lot of work to do on herself it does not mean that we aren’t a family. She said she is hopeful we will remain close and will do life together for our kids and each other. She said I am always welcome at her mom’s house and it feels weird not having me there, but she respects my decision not to go to Thanksgiving there. I don’t know how to interpret this.
This is the first time I have read something genuine from your W and she is being very honest with you. Not really sure what other way to intrepid it.

DW17 #2939874 11/28/22 10:46 PM
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 159
Likes: 19
D
DW17 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2022
Posts: 159
Likes: 19
Sorry for the double post, not sure what happened there or how to delete one.

LH19 - Yeah, I haven't read or heard much from her that has been genuine the past few months, so it does stand out. I guess I've gotten used to trying not to read into things so when I got something that felt real, it threw me off a bit. I did tell her thank you and that I appreciated it but that was it.


M:39 W:39
T:22 M:18
S:19 D:18 D:5
BD:7/2022
DW17 #2939876 11/28/22 11:36 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by DW17
Sorry for the double post, not sure what happened there or how to delete one.

LH19 - Yeah, I haven't read or heard much from her that has been genuine the past few months, so it does stand out. I guess I've gotten used to trying not to read into things so when I got something that felt real, it threw me off a bit. I did tell her thank you and that I appreciated it but that was it.
Ugh DW that is not a “thank you” moment. It’s a I understand you feel that way but we will not be friends when we divorce. End of discussion.

LH19 #2939880 11/29/22 12:14 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Originally Posted by LH19
Ugh DW that is not a “thank you” moment. It’s a I understand you feel that way but we will not be friends when we divorce. End of discussion.
whistle whistle whistle whistle


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
DW17 #2939881 11/29/22 12:18 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Originally Posted by DW17
I did tell her thank you and that I appreciated it but that was it.
So why did you leave this out of your first post about the interaction?


It is hard for us to give appropriate feedback if details are missing.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
DW17 #2939895 11/29/22 01:16 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by DW17
W still hasn’t mentioned the D papers and there’s been no real conversation about the future. D18 was concerned about where her stuff would be going when she left. W assured her she’d have a room at one of our houses, which I thought was funny. I am stressing about affording a 3 bedroom house right now and I know I can’t swing a 4 bedroom, especially if it isn’t being used. Pretty sure W can’t either. It’s just weird sifting through the fog she’s in. I probably shouldn’t be analyzing it, and I don’t for the most part, it’s just weird watching someone going through depression/MLC/whatever the hell she’s dealing with. And for whatever reason I’m starting to feel a mixture of anger and empathy rather than just sadness.

Typical WAS. No follow-thru. If you read through the situations here, most LBSs end up being the one to file for D. Because the WAS is usually lazy, and after they state what they want they just expect it will happen. DW17, have you considered setting a drop-dead date? A date that if she isn't recommitted fully back to the marriage then you will hire a lawyer and go file yourself? Do you know how long you are willing to live in the current situation? Being married to someone that clearly doesn't want to be married to you, isn't willing to put any work into the marriage, and goes around making it abundantly clear how miserable they are?

Also, notice that your WAW is in the "just tell them what they want to hear" mode that a lot of WASs default too. Your D18 asked a difficult question, and your WAW gave her an answer she thought she needed to hear. This is typical. They will say whatever is most convenient at that moment. This is why you cannot believe anything she says, and only half of what she does.

Great GAL. Good activities and personal insight (on spending too much time at home). Recognition is the first step to correction. So correct that moving forward and keep focusing on GAL!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1 member likes this: MikeP
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard