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In with the new and out with the old ....



New threads typically involve growth.

Participation trophies to all that played along previously....

And a huge thank you....

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Hey you.. first of all...there isnt anywhere else I was meant to be then by your side honoring K..
Blessed to have been included.

So, I dont know, Mach, I may be getting old..but I am thinking that maybe you dont need to figure it all out.

Maybe you just give yourself a break and just be. Turn that brain off for awhile. I know you...you want to figure it out..and put it behind you. Along the way..you will want to be further along than you are in that moment.

Truth is..that is a whole lot of loss. A whole lot.

I find that I am trying to accept the way things are..and not wonder so much about why they are. I know the why is important in some ways...but really isn't so much in others, ya know?

I think...let things unfold a bit..the answers will come when you need them to.

In the meantime..sometimes sitting in the present, not the past or the future may be the answer to some peace.

You are an amazing man, my friend. You are always in my prayers and will always continue to be. As will our girl.

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This may be unpleasant or an unpopular opinion, but so be it. I don't soft peddle things to my friends - aren't you lucky?

You promised your dad you'd take care of your step mother. That's admirable, but is it in fact even possible, or is your care for her even needed right now?

Doesn't matter that they were married for 40 years. Doesn't matter that it's a blended family. When all is said and done the truth is he was your dad and she is their mom. She knows you care, you've made sure of that. You've done a pretty great job of taking care of certain things for her and everyone knows that. They are circling the wagons around her, and the reasons could range from she's their mom to something more nefarious, but does it matter or change anything?

Perhaps it's time to take care of yourself. You've lost K and now you've also lost your father. That's a huge amount to unpack.

Don't you think you deserve some care and attention?

What would K say about all this, or J3B?

Think about it.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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You have obviously gotten some excellent advice. And what stood out at me the most was what UR said:

Just let things be for a while. Trying to figure out why the way things are isn’t always necessary. Especially if it’s something we can’t change , even if we know the why.
I also understand that you feel like you can declutter your thoughts if you figure things out and can pack them away. But it’s OK to leave things mentally “unsolved” I think the reason why I feel lighter these days is because I am sitting in the present and not looking for the why’s so much.

You have gone through a lot of loss lately and it’s a lot to unpack. I know family dynamics can be complicated. Especially at the time of a big loss. And I think the best thing for you, might be doing what the best thing for you is. Make sense ?

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I am so sorry for the loss of your father. It is never easy to lose a parent.

The posters have given you really great advice and I am going to second what they have posted. For now, please listen to what they have said. You need to take this time for you. You have had two major losses in the last year. The loss of "K" is still weighing heavily on your mind and soul and then your father passing just recently. Now, you have twice the amount of weight on your shoulders at this time.

Step away for a bit, give yourself time to grieve and find your footing once again. You cannot help others until you are healed. It's the old saying with the oxygen mask, you have to use it first and then use it on your children, etc. For what it is worth...you definitely need some time for yourself. Can you get away for a few days and just relax a bit?

As for your step mother, she needs the time to grieve as well. Give her the time and space she needs and she knows that she can reach out to you if she needs to.

Time to focus on you, my friend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by uRworthy
So, I dont know, Mach, I may be getting old..

<Snicker>

: )


Originally Posted by uRworthy
but I am thinking that maybe you dont need to figure it all out.

Maybe you just give yourself a break and just be. Turn that brain off for awhile. I know you...you want to figure it out..and put it behind you. Along the way..you will want to be further along than you are in that moment.

Truth is..that is a whole lot of loss. A whole lot.

I find that I am trying to accept the way things are..and not wonder so much about why they are. I know the why is important in some ways...but really isn't so much in others, ya know?

I think...let things unfold a bit..the answers will come when you need them to.

In the meantime..sometimes sitting in the present, not the past or the future may be the answer to some peace.



Most days I'm there with you. Slowing down, letting things just happen.

I have a ton of crap going on in my head daily, and there are times that I just have to let things run their course. Mostly I have to get these thoughts out, and see them to understand the confused mess that is my brain....

I don't feel like it's as much as trying to figure it out, maybe just more of a ....how do I fit into all of it ???



The why.....

I will never know why she had to leave. It's not my place to know, so I don't stay there long. I feel the anger because she had to leave, but never at her for leaving. This wasn't her choice. Her choice would to still be here with me.

Like you have always said Darlin.....only way to do it is through it....



Originally Posted by uRworthy
You are an amazing man, my friend. You are always in my prayers and will always continue to be. As will our girl.

You know how I feel about you.....

You know how our girl felt about you....

I think you are pretty damned amazing yourself...

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Originally Posted by bttrfly
This may be unpleasant or an unpopular opinion, but so be it. I don't soft peddle things to my friends - aren't you lucky?

I am lucky...thank you...

And you know I don't shy away and hide from that either...

I welcome what is real and truth...


Originally Posted by B-lady
You promised your dad you'd take care of your step mother. That's admirable, but is it in fact even possible, or is your care for her even needed right now?

Doesn't matter that they were married for 40 years. Doesn't matter that it's a blended family. When all is said and done the truth is he was your dad and she is their mom. She knows you care, you've made sure of that. You've done a pretty great job of taking care of certain things for her and everyone knows that. They are circling the wagons around her, and the reasons could range from she's their mom to something more nefarious, but does it matter or change anything?

Perhaps it's time to take care of yourself. You've lost K and now you've also lost your father. That's a huge amount to unpack.

There is a large part of that, that isn't even mine to unpack. It's luggage from an up rearing of a different culture for me. I'm not that same person anymore, although I could possibly fall back into those patterns if I don't recognize them in the moment.

I have realized that it isn't needed for now. Her wagons are being circled by the natives there, and that's okay. IF the need comes, then I can asses the situation for what it is then. Not what I think that it will look like.


Originally Posted by B-lady
Don't you think you deserve some care and attention?

What would K say about all this, or J3B?

Think about it.


I have come to that conclusion....

And one of the factors that I involved in the conclusion that I made...

I simply cannot deal with both losses right now....

So I prioritize my heart....

K comes first....always....the rest, I will deal with when I get to it....

She would agree....

And I would get a FU Mach..... : )

I have them both with me. One of each shoulder...

And I know they are cheering me on....

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Originally Posted by job
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. It is never easy to lose a parent.

The posters have given you really great advice and I am going to second what they have posted. For now, please listen to what they have said. You need to take this time for you. You have had two major losses in the last year. The loss of "K" is still weighing heavily on your mind and soul and then your father passing just recently. Now, you have twice the amount of weight on your shoulders at this time.

Step away for a bit, give yourself time to grieve and find your footing once again. You cannot help others until you are healed. It's the old saying with the oxygen mask, you have to use it first and then use it on your children, etc. For what it is worth...you definitely need some time for yourself. Can you get away for a few days and just relax a bit?

As for your step mother, she needs the time to grieve as well. Give her the time and space she needs and she knows that she can reach out to you if she needs to.

Time to focus on you, my friend.


Thank you Job....very much so...

I'm getting there..

There is a reason it's called a process right ??

And there are stages for that process....

My oxygen mask has been deployed for a while now...

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
You have obviously gotten some excellent advice. And what stood out at me the most was what UR said:

Just let things be for a while. Trying to figure out why the way things are isn’t always necessary. Especially if it’s something we can’t change , even if we know the why.
I also understand that you feel like you can declutter your thoughts if you figure things out and can pack them away. But it’s OK to leave things mentally “unsolved” I think the reason why I feel lighter these days is because I am sitting in the present and not looking for the why’s so much.

You have gone through a lot of loss lately and it’s a lot to unpack. I know family dynamics can be complicated. Especially at the time of a big loss. And I think the best thing for you, might be doing what the best thing for you is. Make sense ?

I was thinking after I read this....

You met my Father, and everyone in these dynamics.... : )

He liked y'all a lot...

Genuine, was the word that he used...

And even if I'm not ready to take on the process with him just yet....

I think I need to be genuine with everything....just like he would have wanted....

And yes....Perfect sense G....


; )

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Mach,

I have been pondering... first off, I cannot read this thread and NOT hear the song so, thanks for that. LOL

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IF you made it this far, you win a puppy...

Awesome!! Not purse rats please (no offense intended wink

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My future wasn't working the way that he had planned it out to be. I packed everything that I owned into my car when I was 19, and moved 6 hours from "home" to be where I am today. ( and not just my location on a map ) And I'm sure that there was a longing for me to live the life that he had lived. Dinner once a week, Saturdays hunting or fishing, and football Sundays. Other than his military service, he had lived his life within a 10 mile square. I think that our biggest obstacle was that the pain over me moving became too great for him, and it became easier for him to distance himself from me to avoid the pain.

I think one of the toughest parts of being a parent is realizing that my children's lives are their own and it isn't my place to "want". I want them to have the life they are dreaming. I imagine that was a tough time and pain plus distance has typically equaled more emotional distance for me, at least for a time. There's a lot to be said that neither of you let it go. That can be really easy to do.

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I dunno, It's hard for me to hear some of it. As much as I wanted to gloat for what I did, I feel horribly for them, and the hill that they have to climb to get where they should have been. I told him that all he could do was to give the effort until he felt that he was sacrificing himself for it, then re-evaluate it and see where he was then. That it's gonna take a lot of work to get through it by BOTH of them....

Also that he was going to have to do the lions share of the work starting out. Because she is oblivious to the damage that has been done in their relationship.

It is really hard to hear our kids pain, whether we are the direct cause of it or not. And memory is fallible. I remember a conversation with one of my D's about an event, and she was angry at me for something surrounding it. We went back and forth for a minute because I remembered it differently. Bottom line, I did not want to be the cause of more pain for her and I was resisting. What happened was I apologized and it changed the dynamic. It might be a game changer for your Son and his Mom, IF she can find it in herself to not need to be right and realize she caused A LOT of pain. I got lucky, maybe she will too. I have encouraged and cajoled my D's to have the relationship they want with their Dad, and well, you know how that's gone so far...Not very far.
Keep in mind, I'm still wet behind the ears, so...

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I did join a couple grief groups, and no offense to any of them, I'm not sure that I couldn't lead them. Call me crazy, yet if I am the one supporting and offering ways to go through this, then when is it my turn to grieve ?

There's the rub my friend. You are a bit of a caretaker (LMAO). In my experience, folks like you have to make a concerted effort to make time for themselves. I have also wondered if it isn't a defense mechanism as well. Stay busy helping and you distract yourself. Not that that is always a bad thing, sometimes processing everything takes time.

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